Words. Actions.

My husband looks and sounds like the perfect man.  When I read his email to me, it is.....nice?  And I struggle with what is off.  With why it stresses me so much.  This morning, as I awakened and decided to stay awake early to enjoy that time when he is still in bed and I can be more restful....I figured it out.  He wrote to me that he would do certain things.  That he would find a place.  That he would figure out church.  That he would make life more of what I asked for and needed.  But he hasn't.  He has continued to push me.  To be upset about the process going forward.  He wanted me to let that go.  And I'm glad that I haven't.  Because he has made no movement towards making a change in living circumstances.
He expects me to cook for him.  To have conversations with him.  To interact.  To stay in the same house.  He expects everything to remain the same.  And though he SAID differently.  His actions show otherwise.  If he can get by with it, he will ignore what I need, "forget" about it.....and keep on as it is.  The bottom line is that my needs were "acknowledged" when he was faced with my very blunt email.  But.....not enough to cause action.
This is why it has always been so hard for me.  Because I believe him.  I hear or read the words and breathe a sigh of relief.  But...then....time.....goes....by.....and....nothing....is....better.  The words were just to settle me down or placate me.  They turn out to be meaningless.  There is no follow through.
That's why I've come to another Sunday with no plan.  Church is still just as it has been.  Of course, I did say that I didn't want him to give up choir.  That we could work around that.  And I know that he's teaching Sunday School.  And that's ok.  And it's important to him and important to the boys that he teaches to have consistency.  But what I wonder is why he doesn't regard me as important enough to follow up on those things.  I certainly don't want him home on sunday mornings.  But, I would like to know that I can go to a service some of the time with the kids.  Without him sitting by me.  Staring at me.  Waiting to pounce.
No wonder our faith is shown by our actions.  It's not our actions that save us, but our actions are the actual proof...the outward sign....of what we believe.  Easy to SAY you believe something.  What's important is what you do about it.
I have come to the sad conclusion...which I will have to face over and over.....that I have never been important enough to him to act on my behalf.  To use words to say what he thinks is one thing.  But to actually do something...it just doesn't happen.  And then I get left with the responsibility again.  How hard that is.  And you'd think that I'd get it and that it would sink in and that I'd be done with it.....but strangely, I keep thinking that I must be mistaken.  But the evidence is in.  He has had all of this time.  He has had day after day to choose to make a choice...a change.  He could have written that he has made appointments to look at houses or apartments.  He could have found a friend's house to stay at.  He could have taken a tent and gone to stay at a local campground.  He could have done many things.  But he hasn't.  He hasn't put forth any effort.  He is just waiting for me to change my mind.  Holding on.  Showing me that I am powerless.  But I'm not.  That's what made him upset about the papers being filed.  I am stronger then.  Not alone.  A voice bigger than my own.  And, frankly, I don't like it either.  I don't want my kids subjected to what others want for them.  But he won't work at it.  He simply wants it as it is.  How it works for him.  And what I feel or the fact that I am disappearing...simply doesn't matter.  Glad I filed.
grace to you.