heart felt

I feel things deeply.  Way down inside.  It is good.  For me.  Because it is who I am.  I am introspective.  I am a thinker....sometimes an overthinker.  But it's who I am.  I can't change it anymore than I can change my body type.  It's just a part of who I am.
I have a lot on my plate right now emotionally.  It's not bad.  I'm not even complaining.  I'm actually doing pretty well.  I am just simply tired.  Bone deep.  In that place where I just want...maybe NEED?....some time to sleep and rest and not have to look at the mess everywhere.
And so...though Christmas is going to be really hard, it's also going to be God's gift to me.  Time.  Still.  Quiet.  Able to sleep.  Able to wander.  Able to simply do as I need to do for me.  Sometimes I just need to cry.  Sometimes I just need a little time to just be.
Not get things done.  Or...work until I do get something done and then sleep as long as I need to.  Not on the schedule of school and family.
Because I am experiencing a loss.
I am hurting.  And it's difficult.  Trying.  It's intense at times.  And yet, I have to keep functioning and making it.  So, some time will be good for me.
Looking forward to Thankgiving too.  I've always loved it.  And I am ever so thankful.
Exhausted tonight.  So much to deal with in my mind and heart....and yet....also....so much to just think upon regarding blessings.
blessings.

Dark Nights

The mornings are dark these days.  The nights are too.  Makes it harder on me.  Funny how cloudy is relaxing to me, but dark is plain...tiring.  Exhausting.  I am so worn out tonight.  It gets dark so early.  By seven, all I could think was that I wanted to go right to bed.  But, I bathed.  Did some stuff.  Now it is just nearly 8...and I wonder, how early is too early for going to bed if I'm really tired?  My son is going to pick up the kids.  I often fall asleep before they get home these days.  So much going on in life and I get tired.
Some of it is stress.  I have to "perform" at work this week.  I have to be "formally" observed.  It should go just fine.  And yet....it stresses me.  I am still recovering...not recovered.
And what to tell my son has been on my mind.  How to tell him that I appreciate him.  Love him.  Value him.  But that I won't be going to counseling with his dad.  That I won't be working to reconcile the marriage.  Some kind of life that doesn't involve feeling completely overwhelmed when I see him might be good....but, beyond that, no thanks.
It makes me feel like a failure.  Like that is how my son will view me.  Not because I don't have good reasons.  But because I will not be giving my reasons to my son.  At least...not the big ones.
So, I should rest.
Sleep, even.
For tomorrow I go back to my wonderful job.  Yep.  Blessed.  Even in this literal dark time of winter.  And the figurative one too.
blessings.

Each Blessing

Those who I forgive hold no power over me.  My ex behaved in ways that hurt me.  But my holding onto unforgiveness is what would destroy me ultimately.  I'm not all for that!! So, I forgive.  I give it up.  I can get angry.  I can know that it's hurtful.  But I can let go of it and go on.  That is probably why I stayed as long as I did.  Forgiving.
Being angry is not the sin.  It's my actions.  I have to remember that!!
Off to the work week.
blessings. to all.

Incredibly Brave

I have to be brave every single day.
Just a little bit ago, my ex-husband basically followed me into my driveway.  Waiting to pick up my son.  He was supposed to do that at my son's work.  But, instead they did it here.  Awkward to be on the porch taking my dog out when he pulls in.
My second son asked me to consider going to counselling with his dad.  I need to let him know why I can't without making his dad look bad to him.  I'm sure his dad would say that he's willing. And perhaps, it seems, already has.....but that's because he is charming.  Chatty.  Able to do that.  But I am not going to subject myself to his lack of basic respect for me.  I am not going to worry about what differences we have anymore.  And I'm certainly not going to spend agonizing hours trying to talk out what he would never listen to before....when it did matter.  It simply doesn't matter anymore.  I am finished.  All done.  Have let go.  And am continuing to let go.  Toward a place of healing.  Even the thought of spending time with him causes regression.  This afternoon, hearing that from my son...via a letter....gave me the shakes.  Distracted me.  Made me tremble.
I won't do it.  Even for a son that I love.  And I won't make it so that it diminishes his dad in his eyes.  Somehow, I have to be truthful but kind.  Very kind.
And...on top of all of that, I am figuring out how to send my kids away for Christmas.  I got the last two on board tonight.  Not an easy thing.  But necessary.  I've even been emailing with my ex's sister in order to find a place that my one son will stay.  She agreed.  So...tentatively, we are good to go.  Oh, and I have to buy him and airline ticket.  He won't drive with his dad.
He won't speak to his dad.  I'm not going to go into it here.  But I know why.  He's told me.  So, I have bent over backward to be sure that he goes and has time with his grandpa who is in ill health because I know my son.  If anything happened to his grandpa and he didn't go because of his anger with his dad, he would feel so badly.  I'm glad he's going.
And yet.....it seems like their dad gets it all so easily.  I think about it.  But, though he may think that he has "won" something.  That he has manipulated in some way.  It's simply not true.  I have made a decision.  In the best interests of my children.  Because I love them as I love myself.  Because I see them.  Because I know.  I know what it means for them to belong to a big family.  I am glad for them to have that.  I am glad to give them the gift.  It comes at a great price.  One I will never let them know.  I will allow them to see my joy for them.  I will carry what it means to be a grown up.  I will not act as a victim.  Period.  I am their mom.  I get it.  I will be strong enough to do this.   And brave enough.  Because I am
blessings.

Value

My value is not based on who wants to be with me.  It's not based on how well I do. It's not based on being a great or not so great mom. It's not about marriage nor divorce.  It doesn't have to do with how well I do at interacting.  It isn't even about what good I do in the world.
My value is rooted in the fact that God says that I have value.  And just as He was able to speak light.  And water.  And land.  And animals.  And all that exists.  His saying so makes it real.  Not because others will agree.  But because the value is built inside of me.  Inside of each of us.  No matter who.
We are valuable because He made us in His image.  Able to feel.  To think.  To decide.  To choose.  To love.  To discern.
I am valuable.  To Him.
And He is valuable to the world through me.  He can use every little thing about me...good, bad, ugly, attractive, painful, joyful.....EVERY thing...to draw the world closer to Him.  To show Himself.  To bring Himself glory.
I have value because I am a container through which the God of the universe has chosen to reach out to the world.  So are you.  He loves you.
You are valuable.  No matter what is going on or how people are treating you.
blessings.

not sucked in

tonight my kids were going out to eat.  i had already made dinner when i found out.  i went to get them from work and heard that their dad had made arrangements to take them out for dinner.  hmm.  and it is aggravating.  it is...inconsiderate.  it is thoughtless.  it is rude.
but...the thing is....i guess that's why i'm not with him anymore anyway.  and i know that he uses the little things to try to activate me to interact.  to initiate.  nope.
i've decided.  i won't be sucked in.  i won't be forced to be reactionary.  i will be purposeful.  i will choose.  i won't allow myself to be engaged when i don't need to.
he is not in control of me anymore.  he can not bully me anymore.  i don't want to see him.  i don't want to talk to him.  i don't want to spend time and energy trying to communicate because it's always so pointless.
he can do what he pleases.  and i won't allow it to ruin my life.  or my day.  or my happiness.  i may allow myself a few pathetic moments. ;)
i won't be sucked in.  because it is draining.  and i am just beginning to be filled up.  slowly.  just beginning to be able to survive.  so....i choose to stay outside of suck range.
and it is my choice.
i am perfectly able to stand up for myself.  to speak.  to say what is ok or not ok.  and i am also perfectly able to allow myself the opportunity to let go of the need to do so with him.
he can't bully me if he can't interact with me.  and if he chooses to use his kids then that's up to him.  there are four years until the last one goes to college.  i will love all of them forever.  he can do as he chooses with them.  buy them off.  be disney dad.  whatever.  i'll just be me.  and we'll figure it out over time.
i will not be sucked in.  i will not sit and lament the fact that he is so very self centered.
tough for him.  can't even see anything but himself.  must be lonely.

soup and sanity

you know, warm food is healing.  nourishing in more than nutritional ways.  it is a comfort to know that i have food.  that god has provided.  and it's a comfort just to get to eat something that tastes good and warms me on the inside.  i am not hard to please.  i am content with life and what i have.
today, i made a decision not to go out and about shopping because i was hungry...and thirsty...and i knew that i really have no business spending any money whatsoever right now.  but, on the other hand, i craved the companionship of my friend.  i wanted to be there.  to enjoy the moments.
yet....i needed to eat too.
funny how coming in the house was so hard, but how the nice warm soup that i had made helped me.  it was so good to know that i had a place to go, food to eat, coffee to drink.  ;)
i missed out on something, but i'll just have to do it another time.  this time, i wouldn't have been able to "participate".  and since she knows i am currently broke, it would have felt like mooching.  taking advantage.
i'll spend time with her if i get a chance.  i'll watch a movie or play a game of scrabble.  she is a good friend.
it was hard to say no.  to not give an excuse and have her make an offer that she would gladly make.  because she is kind.
i needed food.  i have food.  i needed to go ahead and eat it.  to be thankful.
i was.  i am.  filled.  thankful.  joyful.  warmed.
soup and sanity?  yep.  they go hand in hand.  i can't imagine how it feels to have nothing to feed your children.  or maybe because i can imagine it so well, it changes me.  i have food.  i love that.  i have toilet paper.  i read about some moms who are trying to live together and take care of their kids and they didn't even have toilet paper this week.  i have heat.  those moms were huddling with their kids to keep warm during this cold week.
i am so blessed.
now...to find a way to hang out that won't cost money.  at least for now.  because beyond soup...friends are what help us keep going.
blessings.

laughter

i love laughter.  it fills my whole being with a sense of exhilaration.  of knowing that absolutely nothing has power to keep me from moving forward.  nothing.  nobody.  for god has a plan.  and he plans for my good.  my benefit.  not to harm me.  for a long time.  too long.  i bought the idea that he was well pleased if i was constantly suffering.  a martyr.  a woman bearing up under whatever came her way.  but....the fact is.....joy is my birthright.  peace is my gift.  and laughter is a release of each.  it bubbles up and over and causes the burden to be eased.  the pain to lift.  the shadows to be lighter.  i like to laugh.

brave me

there's this me.  a me i knew even in childhood.  full of courage.  full of hope.  the things that make a brave girl.  and i had always been brave.  truly brave.  standing up to bullies from a very young age.  finding hope even in the moments of greatest despair.  i couldn't have told you then what it was in me that caused me to be that way.  i didn't know that everyone wasn't that way....as i've mentioned, i'm weird.  i remember people wondering why i could smile.  how i was so desperately in love with jesus at such a delicate age.  how i believed that the world was good when i had been abandoned, abused, and somewhat orphaned by my mother's death and the resulting fallout within my family.  so many issues.  such a small, wee little girl....with heart as big as any problem that came.  god filled me.  i know it now.  i know that i was given the doses of courage to be who he needed me to be in life.  and along the way, he provided people to bolster that courage, to encourage me, to lift me up when i couldn't go anymore on my own.  he has always known that at the core of my courage that i am extremely vulnerable.  i am sensitive.  he met that need.
then getting married did something.  i have been facing why i married my ex husband.  i can't say that i didn't love.  but i can say that there was also a knowledge that wasn't quite right even early on.  i had to be a relationship carrier.  i had to always apologize.  i had to keep any hurt feelings to myself or face hours of belittling and fighting before receiving tears and self degrading comments from him.  not about me.  always turning things back about him.  about how i had to meet his needs.  always.  but he was the "nice" one.  so, i struggled.  he was the "normal" one, so i was so confused.  i didn't understand and couldn't reconcile why i had such a sense of unrest.  yes, even in my first week of marriage.  and it took a couple of decades to understand a bit.  i'm not sure that i ever will fully.
but i know that at some point, i got weary of trying to communicate.  and, being the communicator that i am, with the need to understand and be understood, that was like depriving me of oxygen.  i began to drown.  i had faced many things as a child, but i always knew that i would grow up and be free.  in marriage, there was no end.  there was no way to get him to see me or to care enough to understand me.  he hurt me over and over.  and he has never been willing to be a part of a relationship that is mutual and growing.  and over time, i withdrew.  i quit fighting.  i basically caved in to the bully.  to the incessant belief that i was somehow not as good, should try harder, wasn't a good enough housekeeper, didn't work hard enough, wasn't supportive enough.  never enough.  ever.  my self esteem became....nearly non-existent.  that god given sense of value.  stomped out.  dignity denied.  it was there...but i couldn't sense it.  looking back, i remember getting out of the car when he was belittling as we were driving along.  i remember telling him how bad it was.  he followed me.  wouldn't hear me.  told me how i was damaging the children and what would they think.....and now i wonder, what did they think about how he talked to me when i was in the car?  they were little.  i didn't want to hurt their hearts.  i got back in the car.
he doesn't give dignity to others.  he seeks it for himself.  and therein is what makes us unable to be together.  he does not give it to our children.  to me.  to those around.  he walk in a way to look good, but he never reaches out to lift up others.  he does the good things to lift up himself.  and i will not spend any more of my life with someone who is like that.  i value others.  i value encouraging.  i value giving.  i value compassion.
and in realizing these things, somewhere, that brave me is recovering.  she will have to go down again....many times, i'm sure....before the healing process is complete.  but now she is better because she has begun to have her voice again.  she followed right behind peace and hope and the courage to just simply get up each and every day.  and now, she is exercising her voice. her kind, compassionate, but truthful voice.  "no, it's not ok to walk over others.  no, you may not treat me poorly and then expect me to give you my heart.  i will give you compassion.  i will give you empathy.  i will not give you me to destroy." yep, i hear her.  i sense her.  her comforting presence.  i've missed her.  she walked with me through so much in life.  that's how i know that he did a real number on me....she had made it through so many difficult things and it took the one person that was supposed to nurture her, believe in her, hear her, love her, respect her.....to take her down.  the one that she had given her heart.
and at least i know that i had done that.  so fully that he had power.  and i still know and believe that in relationships, that is necessary.  but i also know that i can not give it to just anyone.  and if they prove by actions that they will sacrifice me over and over while lifting themselves....then i must walk away.  because i have purpose in the world.  not great or famous.  but in my small way, for little reasons.  who knows what god will do with that brave girl?  i can't wait to see.
blessings.

out of the shadow, into the light.

i have a place that i am supposed to be in this world.  a purpose.  i have spent a long time trying to keep someone else happy.  someone else shining.  someone else being successful.

but i have to remember that doing that is not wrong.  what made it wrong was how he took it and didn't give.  how he hurt me.  how he wouldn't hear.

i am so brave.  so very very brave.  full of it.  ;)  but sometimes, i just want to lay down and give up. other times, i rise.  i will rise more frequently as time goes by.  yes, i will. i will go forth.  with joy. i will find purpose.  true purpose.  not in only lifting up others.  but in lifting up the me that god created. actually, allowing him to lift up my head.  what i am supposed to do.  what i was created to be.
he loves me.  made me.  holds me.
he gives me strength.  and he is....proud of me.
and though that man did these things....and though i was an accomplice in it....i am brave enough to let go of that and live.
blessings.

It's Friday....and I am still standing...or at least, moving. ;)

i have made it to friday.  yes i have.  tired though i was.  i made it.  blessed by god.  held.  and he is teaching me so much.  showing me.  revealing himself to me.
so much is lost.  but, like the leaves of the tree, it is not forever.  it is temporary.  new growth will come.  in time.  with great beauty.  with newness.  freshness.  and the winter storms will abate.  the spring rains and balmy temperatures will come.  and eventually the summer itself.  warm.  hot.  shining.  growing time.
but right now, though i am able to figure out how to keep warm.  though i have the tools...it is still winter.
blessings.

be led forth with joy

though i can't stop what happened from affecting me, i can find a way to allow god to use it for good in my life.  i don't have to allow it to consume my joy.  i don't have to give in to the moments of despair.  oh, a pity party has to come sometimes in the fact that i need time to hurt for me.  to lament.  to weep.  to truly allow the appropriate emotions to have their time to do their work in my life.  i  need that time to happen because without it, i can't grow past this place.  though i see that people believe that stuffing it in or just faking it is better....i know that i can't live there.  because it destroys.  truth sets free.  the truth about what he did.  it is still hard for me to let that sink in.  when i think of the way he made me feel sexually, i cringe.  i find myself shaking.  the crying myself to sleep.
i only ever had one man.  one that was supposed to be a safe place.  he wasn't safe.  he wasn't nurturing of a relationship nor of me.  he was selfish and focused on what he wanted.  what he thought should be.  what i was lacking in.  and even now, the way he talks about me to others....the way he makes himself such a victim.  it hurts me.  though i'm trying to get past that.  to not care that it affects how they view me.  but it does. it hurts me.  because there is no place to go and just have my place.  a  place where i get to be "at home" and friended that he doesn't exist.  he's a shadow in my life.  cast over every day.  some days, the tilt is just right that it feels like it blocks the sun.  the warmth of love and care that is in my life.  like his shadow is bigger than the sun.  but it's not.  that's an illusion i know.  but still...in the chill of it, i tremble.  i sob.  i fall apart.  i shake.  i freeze.  i scream.  i find myself alone.  scared.  not of being alone.  but of the shadow.  of the hurt that he has inflicted and inflicts still in a residual way.
but, like a day at the beach, the sun eventually breaks through the fog and shines brightly.  warmly.  providing hope.  just have to remember that the sun is there.  he's just blocking it.  it hasn't gone a anywhere.....as a matter of fact, it's bright and there or he couldn't create a shadow.
i walk in the shadow, but i know that the light is there.  because i hope.
blessings.

ok, i get it

he hurt me.  deeper and more traumatically than i realize.  and then something happens.  as in....i need someone....and they behave in a certain way that is like that.  it's a trigger.  i know, psychobabble word....but accurate.  because yesterday, nothing was WRONG....and everything was wrong.  and i couldn't pull it together even though i wanted to.  i had to look at it.  figure it out.  but at least i'm getting to the point that i can relate it to it's root cause.  i see it so much more clearly.  and it hurts.  how was i so mean to MYSELF for so long that i allowed it?  because i thought that i was supposed to be good to everyone else and then somehow, i would get what i needed too.  and, to a degree, i still believe that.  i just have to be sure that it's the right people that i'm being good to. ;) 
he was really a jerk.  really.  and sometimes i wish that i could just tell everyone.  but...that makes me despise ME.  and it does nothing for anyone else.  so....i'm sure it will pass.
i lived way too long with my self dismissed.  completely and totally. no more.  today is going to be a good day.  my day. to live for god.
blessings.

a place to talk

I feel so much like this.  Beaten down.  Like nobody realizes what it takes to get back up again.  I absolutely know that his charm keeps them from knowing what he has done to me.  And so, I am expected to be normal.  To buck up.  To be ok.  To simply do what I do.
But you know, I have not an extra dime this month.  The last ten days of the month, I have had to not buy AT ALL.  Nothing.  I needed away from him so much that I gave up having him have to help with things or having to pay me alimony after the kids are grown.  And I'm glad for that.  And I'm glad to see how God does such amazing things.
But I don't feel important.  I don't even feel visible.  I feel like I'm never sought out.  As if it's fine  that I am places, but not like the world is brighter when I'm in it or less when I'm not.
And hey, I know how to live there.  How to blame myself for it.  How to think that it's me, not anyone else.
On top of everything else...my son was snotty again.  Why are there noodles with this meal?  I don't want them.  He wouldn't take his brother to the store.  Nor help at all around the house.  He says he's not going to Texas at Christmas...and I think that I need him to.  All of that on top of my broken heart.....about time to close the door and tune out.
But look at that hand on the shoulder.  I know it's there.  I don't deserve it, but it is.  Loving me though I can't pull it together.  Can't face the fact that maybe I'm just not very loveable.
I know that having to do the concert last night with him there...him having money to spend to take whoever wanted to Dairy Queen afterwards...when that was my idea and tradition....which was hotly disputed based on price.  It's just so hard to have to let him shine while I get to tell my kids that they have to wait awhile longer before I buy more cereal.  Don't get me wrong...we have food.  There are just things they are wanting me to get and I can't right now.
I wish....really wish........that I was one of the easy to love people.  Because right now it would feel really good.  You know, the kind of people that others call or reach out to.  The kind of people that are that bright spot in a day and people miss it when they don't see them.   Guess I'm lucky to be as normal as I am.  Looking at what I've lived through.
He was really a jerk to me.

In a chair

sat down.  in a comfy chair.  had my bath.  probably down for the night.  though there are dishes to be done and plenty that could be accomplished.  i'm just hurting about how hard it still is for me to believe in me.  to love me. 
i remembered, while i was soaking in the tub, how "he" just couldn't be with me.  ever.  unless sex was involved.  or going to be involved.  i was not a valued person.  i was a commodity.  i remember how when i would try to be with him, just to be with him...he would just keep walking in another room and back or doing whatever he was doing.  and i realized as i soaked how that has hurt me.  and is still with me.  when i am put aside like that, i struggle.  http://artbyerinleigh.blogspot.com/2012/10/31-days-of-scripture-art-journaling-day_10.html
This spoke to me today...her picture...her pursuing what was of value to her.
i am heartbroken not because of who i am, but because it is still so very hard for me to stand up for that woman that i am.  i am so easily swayed to think badly of myself.  i  didn't used to be that way.  he REALLY did a number on me.  slowly.  over time.  he taught me that i wasn't worth taking time for, not worth being excited over....that what i had to do was perform.
and when i am hurting like this, i feel that way again.  and i mourn the loss of being able to trust that who god made me was purposeful.  unique.  for His pleasure.
instead i think...."he" was probably right.
no wonder nobody wants to stop just to be with me.  if i have nothing to give then why would they?


wellll.....because i am me.  and though my voice is small and though i'm having trouble believing it...that doesn't change god's promise nor truth.
but i wish that i was one of "those" people that everyone just likes to be with.....

Maybe

Maybe I can like who I am and still change some behaviors.  I am somehow not user friendly for people.  Thankfully, professionally, I am good.  I have that down for work.  And...I care a lot about relationships, so I can learn....I'm teachable.
I just keep thinking....what is that thing that other people have that I just don't? 
How strange it is.  I feel normal inside.  Like the intense emotions and deep feeling and intuitiveness is natural.  But, I'm weird.  Why do I have to be weird, God?  Can't I just fit in and be able to be easily "gotten"?  Please???  Just for awhile???  Because this is hard.
Really hard.
And there was nothing wrong today.  Nothing at all.  I just needed to be connected.  And I blew it.  I interrupted, I messed up communication...I just can't get what I need because I just can't be how people should be.  And then, that made me so sad.  Like horribly sad...and I left...because I knew that I had blown it yet again.
I feel like a jerk when really I just want to be nice.  Relaxed.  I don't need to vent or gossip.  I just sometimes need someone near.  Maybe it's my tactileness too?  I don't know.  I could wonder what's wrong with me for days without figuring it out.
Instead....I'm going to remember that I like me.  I really do.  I'm caring.  And giving.  I'm fun.  I'm adventurous.  I'm loyal.  I'm able to understand things.  I am sensitive.  Though....people may not know that.  I'm a peace seeker.  I like to get along.  I don't like to create waves.  I like to make things easy for people.
I like me.  It's true.  It's a party.  Only of one.  But still...evenso....no matter what...I can't forsake the "me" of me anymore.

Relational

I am a relationship person.  I require time.  I have times when I just need someone to be there.  My kids are wonderful, but that isn't it...they are my kids.  And, my coworkers are great, you know I love my job....but, that's different too.
Sometimes at the end of the day, I wish that I had a place where it's ok to just be.  To go and be with a grownup.  To have time.  As it is in my life these days, it seems that something has stolen that from me.  It's always awkward.  I feel.....odd.  Like a disruption.  It feels like there is not a place in my life where I am the kind of friend or person that someone thinks, "wow, I am so glad that you are here....that you stopped by or called or whatever."  Most of my relationships are perfunctory. " This is what we need to talk about in order to accomplish whatever."  I can't remember the last time that I felt like I would be sought out or that it was special that I was around.  Ok, there's one kid that does it.  Always so inviting and kind to my heart.  With sweet words and just the most endearing attitude.  But, again, it's a kid.  I adore kids, but sometimes, I wonder if I will have grown up friends again that feel that way.
I guess that I can chalk it up to not particularly being a very good friend these days.  Perhaps it is not very uplifting to be around me.  Perhaps it is awkward because there is fear that I will still be needy or talking about their friend...my ex.  I don't really know.  I just know that while some can be and relax and just show up and be.......totally pulled in.....I feel like in my life I just don't have what it takes. I feel less.
How to get better, I don't know.  How to be a person that is that, "oh, I'm so glad she's here," person, might be too much for me.  I'm not sure how to be that. 
There's a guy in my school recently divorced.  He joined Match.com last week.  He has had three dates in this week.  Different women.  And last night he stayed with the woman he went out with.  First night.  Went home. Had sex.  And that is so far beyond my understanding. I really don't get it.  Does it have meaning?  Maybe I just am too different than other people to know what IS normal.
All I know is that sometimes I mourn the sense of being worth having around because of who I was...even if it was based on the "trying to keep things right" person.  Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I miss that fake girl because...I don't know....maybe people liked her better. 
It's since I've been single again that I have struggled so much with this.
So.....maybe I was more tolerable when I was miserable but keeping everyone else "safe and secure?"  I think that perhaps it's true.  People are more comfortable without this whole mess of what it means if my life was a wreck and full of pain. 
But I can't survive as her.  I like me.  Even if she is alone.  Even if when she really needs to talk, she finds that nobody really hears.  Even if she feels invisible most of her life.  I see her.  I remember her.  I value her.
But it's always at this moment that I realize that it's the lack of family.  There is nobody in the world that just goes, "hey, I'm happy you are here."  Happy that you are.  There are no just because things.  It's just.....like I try to say what I need, or to start a conversation and it's just stupid.  And it is just too hard that way, so I give up.  I'm not willing to force it to happen.
I talked to another introvert today.  Not too deep.  She is involved in similar activities as my ex at my church, but she and I have a lot of commonalities. 
I guess I don't have it in me to start over.  Feels like the people I've known forever don't know what to do and new people I just wonder if after they really know...maybe they will think I'm weird too.
I get that I'm annoying in so many ways.  I've heard it plenty.  I get that I don't seem too responsible and maybe I come off as if I don't care.  I don't know how to be any better. 
So, I am where I am.  Loved by God, but without a clue how to connect with those of His family around me.  I guess that they all have what they need.  They all know who to expect to have holidays with. 
I can hardly breathe I'm crying so hard. 
I just needed a place today.  To sit down.  To be.  To feel like I'm special.  Instead...somehow, I just wound up feeling like I don't have a place.  Like others do. 
Seriously, I have another friend that never calls me.  Ever.  But, if I don't make a point to call her, she is hurt that we haven't talked.  So, I make the effort. 
I wish I weren't so weird.  Story of my life.
I'll be ok again....just have to keep dealing with it.  It's not that they don't love.  It's that there is that sense that I don't contribute to bringing joy or happiness. 
I get it suddenly...I want to BE a blessing, a gift, a treasure.  A real friend.  Guess I better work on those friendship things.  If it's not there.....I should change it.  Somehow. 
blessings.

So many things

so much goes on in my life on a day to day basis.  by 615, I've put in 13 hours already. i've made sure that my kids are fed, have what they need for school, got to school, got home,  gone to work myself, worked with kids all day long, then done the paperwork aspect of my teaching job....i call it my "second job." ;)  i play some words with friends.  i do dishes.  i pick up around the house.  i throw the ball for my dog.  i am....relaxed.  in some weird sort of way, my body has found peace.  my mind and soul as well.  though there is activity all around.  though i never know how money is going to work out.  this month i'm thinking that if this little over half tank of gas doesn't last until next week's paycheck then i'm sunk.  but....not really.  it'll all work out.  some way.  some how.  with the grace that god gives.  with kindness.  i have to tell my kids to wait on some things.  on other things, we get to go ahead and do them.  they are used to the end of the month.  they get it.  but, when the beginning of the month comes again, i will be so thankful to pay my bills, fill my cupboards....actually, that is a blessing, i learned early on to always have food, toilet paper and toiletries....oh, and all of the basic soaps.  that way, we can limp along if we need to.  nothing fancy, but what we need.
i was talking to my kids today about going to texas with their dad for the holiday.  it's hard for me to say it positively, but i really tried.  i worked at convincing my kids to leave me at christmas time.  so that they will all be together.  their dad's family will make it nice for them.  they will be spoiled.  they will party endlessly and get way too little sleep.  it will mostly be fun.  my one son might go if he can stay with his aunt and uncle that have moved away from texas...but still have a house there.  i wrote to see if they will be there.  my daughter is warming to the idea.  sort of.  and i was extremely courageous.  i know for a fact how it will feel to wake up on christmas morning.  but.....knowing that they are all together will be good.  and, christmas for our family can be when we are all together. 
you see, always a lot going on...emotionally as well as every other way. 
but i am courageous.  i am kind.  i am learning to let go.  to let things happen differently  to be a parent, not a needy "take care of my needs" family member.  i am their parent.  i must have their best interest in my focus.  period.  and i guess....i will be able to sleep in and not do much cooking!  see there, a positive. 
so much to deal with.  and i still wonder....how is god gonna make this gas last?  dunno.  but he hasn't failed me yet.
blessings.

getting heavier

i am weighing more than i weighed in my pregnancies.  i am eating more.  exercising less.  i want to reverse it. i've just been so tired.  not cooking enough veggies, more carbs and meats.  not enough water either.  and, haven't been shelling out the money for my supplements that help me. 
so, no wonder i have lethargy of great proportions and crave junk.
i can change it again.  it's not about weight.  it's about health.  i don't feel well.  i have to stay on top of it because my body had really suffered over the years.  i've got to be wise and make better choices.  because, if i dont, i will crash.  not might....will.  i know from experience.
gotta take care of me.  so i can take care of my dearies. 
blessings.

holidays

here they come. 
found out from a kid this afternoon that the trip with their dad is planned for 10 days over christmas.  they will leave a day or two after they get off of school and arrive back home 2-3 days before they go back to school.  i find it odd that he hasn't written to let me know.  it is past mid october and i asked him at the end of summer.  i can only imagine what he is hoping for at thanksgiving.  fighting is kinda not my thing right now.  i will talk to my kids.  i will see what works for them.  and..i'll just do that.
if part are gone on christmas, then christmas day will have to wait to be celebrated anyway...as i explained to my daughter. 
i am going to be kind.  i am going to figure it out.
it's hard.  i am not.
blessings.

work week

it's hard for me to get up  in mornings.  to get going.  to get kids going.  it takes a vast amount of dedication and commitment.  it takes knowing that doing the hard thing propels me into a day of blessings.  because frankly, i've been at a stage where just staying in bed, eating, moping, hanging out...is pretty good.  it feels good.  but......not really.  because it doesn't satisfy.  it doesn't allow me to see god at work.  it doesn't give me purpose.
and, getting up, walking out of my room, getting my kids up, making sure that i am ready to go with lunch and all....it means that i give myself the opportunity to be used of god.  to make a difference in lives.  to love and give.
and it's not easy to take those first steps.  to choose to keep my eyes open in the five o'clock hours.  to smile and be cheery getting my kids going.  to be positive when all i want to say is...let's all go back to bed.  let's just watch movies and read books and let the world go on around us. 
but i do get up.  and that says a lot about my character.  i've been the one doing this for years.  getting the kids to school on time.  teaching them the respect and commitment involved in making it somewhere punctually.  with respect.  i have done it well.  they go to work on time.  they go to school on time...even when i'm not around.  even when they are tired. 
yes, there are struggles.  big struggles.  huge struggles.  without a doubt.
but somehow those struggles are overcome.  they are made small by comparison to the benefits of actually participating in life and not sitting out.
there are days to sit out.  but not during my work week.
i get to work.  i never forget what a gift that is.  i choose to remember it.  to think on it.  to be thankful for it.  even when it means doing really difficult things.  things that feel too big.  nothing is impossible with god...especially when it's something that he has called me to do.  he provides the way. 
blessings.

with a hope and a prayer

i look at my boys that have worked so far for 19 hours each this weekend.  my 14 year old daughter put in eight hours.  the boys are not off putting in three more.  Two days.  21 hours.  wow.  that's the kind of stuff men are expected to do.  they are bone tired.  i am happy about that.  very.  they need the responsibility.  they also need for their minds and bodies to be useful.  not in front of electronics.  they need to feel valued and useful.
so, they were at work and their dad brought in there little nephews.  my one son bought more tickets for the kids to do another ride.  made me wonder if he felt like they were being parceled out too ungenerously.  but he just said that he wanted them to have another ride.  he's a good uncle.
seeing the boys work.  seeing them go to a job together. seeing my son drive.  seeing my son do for his nephews. these things give hope to my prayers that they will again be ok.  not be all for themselves but see others.
i worked hard this weekend. they don't get it.  but, my daughter is getting it.  she is beginning to see. and in two years it will be just the two of us.  so.....we have things to figure out.  she does not want me to sell the house.  it's her home. i will honor that as much as i can.
i have some friends that i love dearly.  glad to be loved back.  it gives my heart hope as well.
blessings.

dear me

dear me,
take it easy on yourself.  there are a lot of things that seem normal for others that put you into a panic still.  even simple things like pictures.  like having a family portrait done for the church directory.  you are allowed to not be able to even picture having your photo displayed to so many that don't communicate anyway.  right next to your exes....alphabetical by name and all.  you need to cut yourself some slack.  take a breath.  not give up. you need to allow your fears to be heard. even when you know that they aren't easily understandable by others. 
dear me, you are valuable and treasured.  though you don't get those calls nor notes. though people just contact you to chat...you are allowed to have deep needs.  you are allowed to weep when you need to.  you are allowed.  encouraged to even. 
god loves you.  right where you are.  with all of the confusion of emotions from the constant pain you lived in.  the shock hits you hard sometimes and you need to take time to get your footing and to get a breath again.  because you don't need to fake it.  you need to be honest with yourself.  with others. you do not need to cover up the pain.  you do not have to make it ok for everyone else.
when you feel alone and in need, you are allowed to be there.  your own feelings matter.  a lot. 
dear me.  you are dear.  precious.  in his sight.  you are more valuable than you realize.  you have been repressed, held back, pushed down.  but you are rising out of the dust. do not be surprised by the pain you feel.  it's hard to live. it's way more painful than just giving up.
you must allow yourself to feel.  and to deal.  without explanation to others. 
and when you have wishes or hopes and desires for others to come and meet your needs, don't demean yourself for it.  mourn the loss so that you can go on.
you have value.  really.  keep saying it.  someday, you will internalize it.
blessings.  and grace.

K-LOVE - For King & Country "The Proof Of Your Love" LIVE

pumpkin ranch

my kids work at the pumpkin ranch.  my son that has kids has lost his job.  my grandsons are being taken by my ex to the pumpkin ranch today. my son apologized.  he didn't need to.  he wished that he could have afforded to have taken them by himself.  as i told him, no need to apologize.  he is a good young man.  sensitive in many ways.  and with lots of struggles too.  but for all of the difficulties that he and i have had, he actually sees me.  he gets what it feels like at least a little bit.
hey, i got to spend last evening with the munchkins.  it was fun.  rare.  a nice evening.  and i can let them be taken to get pumpkins and play the festival games with my ex.  i just wish that others got that this behavior is not who he is. it's some put on facade that he has taken up since we parted.  i feel sorry for him to be working so hard to convince people how good he is.  performing.  playing the part of the broken man who always does the good thing and is there for his friends.  he could have been. 
blessings.

Busy

I've cleaned and done laundry.  Still so much to do.  Yet, a start.  I've played ball with my sweet dog.  He liked it....a little out of shape.  Both of us. ;)  And I've faced my greatest fears yet again.  Cried?  Yes, but with the place in my heart that doesn't accuse me.  Of not being enough.  Of not being worth it.  That's the part that gets me.  I have been shown for so long that I'm not worth it.  That I'm lucky to have a guy like him that comes home at night and spends his money on us.  You know, it took me a long time to realize that that isn't love.  Holding things like that over people doesn't indicate love.  It indicates control. 
I might ache, but I am still going about my day and how to choose what I want.  I want my house to be a home.  Not just a shelter.  I will keep working to that end.  Though I am tired and overwhelmed, I can still do some.  And then I can be proud of me.  I am choosing to be proud of me.
I am figuring out that I need to let go and let people live their lives.  I am figuring out that at my church home I am easily replaced in people's lives.  What I have a hard time dealing with is what that says about me.  It really isn't the events.  It is more about the fact that I wish that I had done better.  I feel lacking.  But, I am facing the biggest hurdle of all and that is simply living with the facts, with what I am.....and being ok with both.  I am trying to actively take responsibility while NOT actively condemning myself.
Life is full.  And life is good.  I am going to make it.  One moment at a time.  Some filled with laughter.  Some with tears.  Some with sorrow.  Some with joy.  Some with confusion.  Some with certainty.  And I need to be who I am through all of them...actually, I need to be aspiring to be who I know that I should be no matter what the circumstances.  What is inside of me matters.  A lot.
blessings.

Every Single Time

Every single time I think that I've given up as much as I can give up.  That I've made it partly to the other side...I get sideswiped.  I didn't cry this morning.  Not even as I wrote.  That is huge progress.  But now I have. 
Have to continually let go.  Actively.  Purposefully.  And hold on?  How is that.  I don't know.  But I know that it's true.  There are some people that I want in my life but that I won't have them for my needs really.  I mean....kind of, but not really.  I will have them because I know them.  Care about them.  Appreciate them.  But I have to let go of the idea that they will be able to be what they once were.  Or..maybe they weren't.  I don't really know.  I just know that it's like constantly I am pushed to the place of knowing that I shouldn't count on anything.  That it's too much to ask.  So, these tears, I don't knwo what to do with them.  They are profuse.  But, again, I come to that place of mourning.....knowing that I still have joy.  Deep joy.  That there is peace.  The circumstances are not easy.  But they are just circumstances.  I can't fix them.  I can't help that my heart is broken and in need.  But I can choose joy and I can choose not to let it kill me when others have to walk their own journey. 
It's a tough thing to learn about doing for others and having to do for yourself and letting others do for you.  It's all Biblical.  Giving and receiving.  It's all hard.  I may have needs that others just don't want to meet.  Whether for good or bad.  But I don't ever want to be a person that doesn't see and reach for the needs of others.  I want to be that woman who sees and cares and shows it.  I just have to do it for myself too.  Seems like too many people in the world have me first going so well that they have lost sight of how to be kind at work, at home, at church, in the grocery store.
When I was out today, I could count the faces easily that looked peaceful and kind.  The others were guarded and distant.  How sad.  I want to help the world to be a kinder place.
Therein I will find joy in the mourning.  Though I lament, I will be comforted by the Comforter.
blessings.

Reflection

I had lots of time to think this morning.  I almost went to church because an old friend might be there, but I didn't reach her by text or phone, so I decided not to risk it.  I scrounged up enough money to buy myself a medium coffee and sit alone in a local coffee shop for 45 minutes in a comfy chair. 
I had some great realizations today.  Things that have been a part of my journey and have been thorns to me...when in fact, I am finding that maybe those thorns don't have the power to hurt me.
I am alone.  Period.  Nobody at church misses me.  The hole I perhaps left, is filled by others who meet the same or similar needs.  I am not indispensable.  Nobody has an obligation or a reason to make it better.  To make me feel better.  Each person continues on...living her/his own life.  Moving ever forward.  Sometimes connected, sometimes flowing onward...maybe to meet up again and maybe not.  That may sound hopeless, but really that's not it.  I sat in the coffee shop and realized that what is painful is not the truth, but fear of the truth.  Or avoiding the truth.  Sitting by myself reminded me that though I perhaps am indeed invisible to some, I am not invisible to the living God.  He sees me.  And when I sit alone, I can still be at peace.  I can know that it's ok.  That I'm ok.  I can discover who I am.  How I am.  I can keep moving forward.  I will be stronger.  I will be more faithful.  I will be more tender.  And I will survive.
Not to say that I don't, won't or haven't mourned.  I have, I do, and I will.  But lamenting is not about a lack of joy.  It is about the truth that even within the midst of joy, there is a knowledge of what has been left behind and what it will take to move forward.  I have come a long way.  I have a long way to go.
I have also come to the realization that I can't deal with stingy.  Not won't...can't.  Not in close relationships.  It is like putting in a port that drains blood.  It takes the life out of me.  Not stingy with time.  Not stingy with money.  Not in those that are close to me.  And certainly not in my inner circle....including any significant other.  This is a huge revelation.  I'm saying that because I have always been able to give.  I can make up for the lack.  I always just assume that it's what they feel or mean too.  But, slowly, it drains me.  It makes me weak.  It hurts my heart.  It destroys me.  I watched people at the coffee shop.  I could see the givers and the takers.  And the best couples were the giver/receivers.  I loved seeing it.  I am not cynical.  It is simply not what I had.  Not what I was going to have with him.  I saw a man who looked like the contractor we had many years ago.  He took advantage of us.  And my husband took out his rage on me.  In passive aggressive ways.  In withholding love.  In meanness.  He completely used me as his focus of blame.  He could have taken it out on the man.  Could have taken it out legally.  Could have sought help from other men.  But, instead, he spent his energy to make me pay.  To make me feel irresponsible.  I knew that there was a monetary price on his love.  That if it cost him that way, he would withdraw his love, compassion, support and kindness.  But he would pretend that it was ok.  He would want sex..  He would use sex.  Sex would become a way to dominate.  That stinginess of love, of money, is probably the root of what ended my marriage. 
I also realized again that if I don't reach out, others don't reach to me. I'm in a strange place in life.  Too needy for most to want to be around me.  Yesterday, I unfriended some people on my facebook account.  People who simply drain and don't have any investment in my life.  I can stand the fact that with acquaintances that I have to do the work.  But, again, in those closest, if that becomes the case, then I need to just accept the fact that they aren't the closest ones anymore.  That I need to know that I can't fix it all.  And that if I'm having to try to fix it all, to constantly keep relationships intact, then really....they have already changed.  I don't mean that I don't have to put in effort.  I just mean that when the effort becomes one sided, I need to have enough grace, to myself and to them, to wish them well, cry my tears and go on living. 
I've grown a lot.  Matured a lot.  Gone back to the person I was at the core...in a more vibrant, real, mature way than ever before.  But it's still happening.  It's going to be a very long journey.  Parts of it were delayed for way too many years.  The one who should have nurtured and cared for the person that I was supposed to become, instead tore her down, made her second guess, made her feel small, gave her no reason to try for things that would make her happy but only him.  Too much.  Too long.  The relationship died.  But, I did not.  I need to nurture the one that I am supposed to become.  I need to forgive myself.  I need to move along in life and not cling to what was.
Only a few things are certain in life.  One is God.  Another is my love for my children.  And one more....elusive and hard to believe....but that I will never walk alone.  God provides for me.  And He knows my heart and soul.  He knows my deepest heart.  And He knows that while I'm not a popular, outgoing sort, I require a few close people to walk with me.  Dry times come.  Deserts.  But there will be streams.  He will provide.  Always.
I have come to many realizations.  They may not seem positive.  But they were for me.  To be able to sit with them and not freak out.  To simply be.  To rest.  To know that there's really nobody who checks on me or even knows that I need that......but that's not forever.  It has gone on for way too long.  I was the reacher.  I was the connector.  I invited.  I cooked.  I was hospitable.  I genuinely cared about the many that I had through my home.  And someday, I'll be there again.  But for now, I can't be the one that does all of that.  I need to be nurtured.  Or I just need to be.  It's hard because my kids are suffering in this.  They want to have people over or go over to people's houses.  But that is from a previous life.  I guess that they have to grieve too.  That part kills me.  I'd like to fix it.  But I can't make people meet my kids' needs.  So, I will just trust that somehow we will make it through.  That they will learn to be stronger but not to give up on others loving them.  It's as if they are invisible to people too.  Such good kids that they don't get any of the "special" attention.  Their dad spends more money on them.  They talk about that.  It's not what a relationship is built on.  But, at least it is something.
Speaking of that....the ex is taking the grandkids to the pumpkin farm today.  When we were married, no way was money to be used like that.  But...now....well, it's his way of connecting now.  He's with so many people in so many places now.  My journey is different.  I am looking for how I failed in how I chose a man like him.  For what I needed or wanted that I failed to see the truth.  I am looking at myself and how I want to be and who I want to be in the future.  I am letting go of so much and learning to nurture what is left. 
I also realized that I may have a hard time doing this house thing, but I will keep trying.  It's important to my daughter to stay here.  So, I will figure it out.  Overwhelming though it is.  All 3200 square feet. And a really big yard.  I need to just do the best that I can.  Sometimes I weep that not one person from my "past life" has said those words...."do you need anything?"  Oh well.  I'll manage it.  I am strong.  I may not do it all right, but I'll just have to forgive myself.  And be gentle with myself. 
It is a good day.  A day full of truth.  Of a journey to being me.  The real me that God made.  Hard journey?  Yep.  Exciting?  Double yep.
blessings.

doing and being

today the kids are at work.  i got to have my meltdown.  have my plan time for the future.  and..yes, some vacuuming, dusting, moving thing around and getting ready for my grandsons to come over tonight.  i think we'll make cookies.  or something fun.
i guess that eventually i will have to bathe and dress.  i'm washing sheets and pillows.  laundry soon. watching a show series.  folding some clothes. 
being.  being who i am.  not trying to do to please someone else.  looking at what i want for the future and what i have to do in the now.
i love my job.  i love my kids.  i have great friends.  i am blessed.  and...i am learning to make time for me.
blessings.

love and boundaries

i adore my kids.  i have been trying to give them space.  to establish new relationships.  to hear them.  to be kind.  yet, in the sadness of my heart, a part of me sees them as simply being users.  not drugs.....situations.  they are using the situation to become people that i don't feel as proud of.  they are being slobs.  i don't mean teen aged mess, i mean slobs.  they are being unhelpful.  they don't cook or clean or fold laundry.  they don't do their best on schoolwork.  they don't do what they promised regarding exercise.  they use the thing between their dad and i to try and gain power.  and some of this is normal.  and the cleaning will come back as they all get their own homes eventually.  but, my concern is for their hearts.  their character.  their relationship ideas.  so i am praying and thinking.  i want to be gentle...but i don't want them to feel that they can simply use me.  to say, "yes, i'm doing that or i'm going to...." and when i say it again, they say the same....over and over until the only reason they do something is if it's going to keep them from something that they want.  i am appalled.  i am sad.  i want to speak, but i don't want to incite.  i want to help, but they push away until it's the last minute and then they demand.  it is wearing.
i am seriously considering selling this house.  i can't do over 3000 square feet of cleaning, plus 2/3 of an acre of yard by myself....well, i could, if there weren't young people going around each day being so messy that it takes all of my moments in each day just to clean up their last messes.  dishes, clothes, trash.  so, we don't fight or argue, but it is perhaps at the cost of their integrity.  i need to take some kind of stand in my own home.  if they do anything, it is grudgingly and behaving as if it were a great feat and i should be thankful.  if they vaccuum, they leave out the vaccuum, leave it plugged in, only do the area i pointed out.  if they unload the dishes, they leave at least a third of them sitting on the counter.  if they mow, they only do the easy parts.  they are being selfish.  they are not these people.  i know them.  i need them to find again the people that they really are.  not just to help me....but so that they respect themselves.  so that they have dignity.  so that they don't behave as their dad where doing something is supposed to "buy" something.  gosh, the mindset is killer. 
oh god, give me wisdom.  please.
blessings.

shaking off the idea of lazy

i spent so many years feeling that any down time was considered lazy.  and even now, there is this residual guilt...as if i can feel those accusing eyes piercing into me, letting me know that not being productive, not doing, is lazy.  it is an unforgivable thing.  a taint on character. 
busyness. 
life was not purposeful, but busy.  always having to have actions.  to prove how time was spent.  it was exhausting.
i worked hard this last week.
really hard. 
i work hard every week.
and today, i'm still in pj's.  i even drove my boys to work in my pj's.  i'm having coffee.  eating breakfast.  watching some shows.  kicked back.  thinking of what i might choose to do later in the day if i become so inclined...though at the moment, that seems like it's not going to happen.  i want to connect with people.  have time to rest.  just not be driven DO anything.  i may choose something when i feel rested, but it is the being driven that disturbs me.
i am weary.  i am worth rest time.  even when my house isn't perfect.  and while some may think it lazy....oh well, if i'm lazy, they don't have to like me.

abuse

i had a conference tonight with a parent that is emotionally abusive.  there were constant slurs about the child (who was sitting there) and also nitpicking.  it was uncomfortable.  but, i realize that i no longer am without a voice.  i no longer feel frozen or impotent.  i am....empowered.  i am able to speak up kindly.  i am able to speak truth to the child.  i am able to give encouragement.  and i am able to see the truth that though the words have an ok tone of voice, they are backhandedly cruel.  i have been sensitized. 
i was troubled for the child.  and for the parent.  for the parent has taught the child that attention getting requires doing something unacceptable.  the child's sense of well being rests on getting some kind of attention...so, he gets it by doing what works.....negative things. 
i want to take the parent on a long walk and explain what happens when you begin to find genuine, truthful good things about people...especially children.....especially your own children.
i heard the mean intent behind the words.  it was sad.
abuse is so much more than hitting.  just as rape is so much more than sex.  there is an  underlying demeaning, and stealing of a person's worth.  it's as if the one doing it can only feel good about him/herself if they make the other person seem low. 
i've seen it.  i've lived it.  it's no way to spend a life. 
it's too bad that more people don't learn to speak kindly.  really...it's not that hard.  not insincere.  not false praise.  just truly noticing the good.  for no other purpose than to build up another.  not to get something.  not to gain value.  just to give the gift of self worth to another. 
wish i had had more of that in the last years.  it's like food for the soul.
blessings.

lOOking back

in the last day, nine people have read "wuv. true wuv."  so, of course, i went back and read it too.  ;)  at the end i said that i am not a princess, i don't need rescuing and that i don't need a knight to throw his cape over the puddles for me because i like playing and splashing in puddles.  that was probably when i knew i was going to make it.  me.  at least a seed in there that i could survive.  the real me.  knights on horses aren't too common.  though i hear tell of a few.  and i am not cynical about there being really amazing men.  i just have realized that i made a blunder.  i thought that eventually he would see me as valuable.  for real.  not because he was "trying to love me."  how sad for him that he never glimpsed the person i really am since he was so busy looking at how i wasn't the person he felt that i should be.  and all the while i was praying and trying to show him how worthy i was.  and finally...i wasn't...because i wasn't who i was supposed to be.  i lost the essence of who i am. 
but....looking back, i realize that she is making a comeback.  and i am in awe over over how much i missed her.  i really like her.  and though she is still squelched.  still being birthed....yet again....i hear her voice.  and it is beautiful.  hopeful.  kind.  giving.
looking back.  at good. 
blessings.

the little financial things

i have had a huge month financially speaking...huge in the way of expenses.  i have a senior.  i have kids pictures that the payment went through.  i had senior pics...which have been slightly under seventy dollars so far.  i am supposed to be ordering the stuff for graduation, but that will have to wait until the end of the month.  college application fees.  i had paid down my credit cards some.  sadly, this month i'll be using them still.  i need to license my kids car.  i need to take my car in for maintenance.  i have a car payment.  i have four mouths to feed.  well, actually seven counting the two dogs and a cat.  i have water and heat.  i had to pay the eye doctors a big chunk of change this month.  it has nearly become amusing that every time i turn around, someone needs money.  ;)
and i could stress and fret.  i do wonder about christmas and about flying my kid home...that airline ticket is first on my list of purchases after pay day!  because he is a gift.
there are a lot of things.  and they are all going to be ok.  in time things smooth out.  getting kids settled in college was pricey.  and it will  even out in time.
i make between three and four hundred less than i was budgeting on.  so...that adds to the mix. 
and yet.  and yet....i see god's hand.  i see his provision.  i see how it all comes together in the right time....time after time.  how he blesses.  how he feeds.  not that i can have everything or do everything...but that there's the ability to look beyond this moment to what he is teaching me, to how he is sustaining, to how immense he is.  how great.  how good.
i could have gone after more maintenance from my husband.  i only took a bit so that in case i ever needed it, i could still negotiate it.  if i took zero, i would never be entitled to any.  no matter what.  but i didn't want to get more.  i didn't want to get even some.  it is enough just to be given my freedom.
i am brave in so many ways.  i don't get to celebrate it with anyone.  i'm sure that most think that it's all just hunky dory.  mostly, they would think that because i firmly believe that god is doing a good thing.  he is making a way.
i am learning how desperately i loathe stinginess.  but even moreso, the act of giving with stinginess.  i'm learning about how god gives.  how he desires us to give with open hearts and hands.  i am learning much. 
i am cared for.  though it can get a little scary.  though i completely laughed when another expense came.  because it has been that kind of month. 
i could take night work for four weeks.  i'd make an extra thousand dollars.  i just don't think that i can do it.  i'd be sooo tired with nothing left for my kids.  so...i'll  just trust that there's a different way.  just because it's an opportunity doesn't mean that it's the right opportunity for now.
i am learning a most basic thing over and over.  i am not in control, in charge, in any way able to make things happen.  and even more importantly.....it's not necessary or expected.  oh, i need to be on time to work i need to do my job well, i need to grow and learn...but no matter what i do, i can't control what may or may not happen.  so, i won't try. i'll leave god's stuff to him
i am blessed.
though that ex can make me crazy still...i am finding that i take away his power when i take away his power in my heart as i continually release the need to ruminate on the pain.  i had to for a time.  i had to come to terms with it.  now....it's ok to let it fade and to still know that it DID exist.  that i'm not crazy.  that he was not nice or giving to me.
i don't have to live there.  i have a new home.  it's called peace.  and laughter.  and openness.  and hope.  there's no room for despair here.  it cannot thrive.  i love my new home. 
blessings.

looks like i made it

wow.  that was hard.  ended up getting there alone.  sat in car for awhile so that i wouldn't have to make small talk.  went in.  found a friend that was only staying for the first third, but sat with her.  went to bathroom before it started.....ran into him in hall.  that was awkward.  especially since i didn't make conversation.  i turned and walked into the auditorium.  i just couldn't do it.  he followed me in.  i had sat somewhere different than we ever have in all of these years to make a new start.  he sat...very near.  sigh. 
my one son came.  that helped. 
it was hard.  i did it anyway.  so, i guess that i'm pretty amazing.  ;)
blessings.

brave in the midst of fear

tonight is my daughter's first ever show choir concert.  i am so proud of her.  she was brave even though she was scared.
and now i'm going to have to be.  because i have to go to it and be brave in case the ex is there.  it's hard.  but, i do it gladly.  because i believe in her.  because i love her.  because.....on another plane...i believe in me and the life i need to be living.  so i'm going.  i'm going to enjoy.  i am going to be oh so proud.  and i'm going to do my best to hold my head high.
blessings all......remember, brave is what you do with your fear.

Mornings

I am finding strength sufficient for each day.  It's a promise, I know, so I wonder why it amazes me so. ;)  Enough to do more than make it.  Enough to do what I need to do....not everything.  It's learning to balance.  To go.  To stop.  To not feel discouraged when there are rest times.  To know that they are part of the journey as well.
My mornings are better than I had feared.  I hurt.  I can be pretty tired.  I don't always sleep well.  However, come the morning, there is a new outpouring of strength for the day.  It's supernatural.  It's like a refreshing spring washing over me on a very hot day. 
So yes, even this fine Monday morning is a blessing.  To be ready to go and not afraid of what lies ahead.  Therein is peace.  I love it.  I flourish in it.  Not in being enough.  In knowing that He is enough.  That I don't have to be a superhero...or even try to act like one.  It's enough for my part for me just to give what I actually have. 
I went to a chiropractor in years past.  He was VERY good.  He knew long before anyone else did that my husband was a cause of my distress.  He knew that I kept going when I should stop.  He told me that my internal balance....my thymus even...was off because when I would get exhausted, I would push myself to keep on going.  I hadn't always been that way.  I did that to make it in my marriage.  Had to always be busy.  Always going.  Always producing.  No time to take a breath.  When I would just be still, there was harumphing and comments.  Mostly there was showing me up in the things that were deemed my responsibilities.  He loved nothing more than to show me how much better he could do it.  How I was a failure. 
I think that's why he let his mom treat me as he did.  Because it reinforced his deep seated belief that I am lazy.  And I guess that maybe I am.  Not generally.  I get things done.  Just not ALL of the time.  Sometimes I stop.  Sometimes I am with people.  Present.  Not working.  Just with them.  Sometimes I check out and rest my mind and heart.  Sometimes I nap.  Sometimes I work my butt off.  I'm not lazy.  I'm not a workaholic.  I'm something that nobody else is....me.  I must do what it is that I need at the moment.  I must listen to what I need.  And it has been a long time since I've done so.  I've gotten good at ignoring my SELF.  That's so weird.  I have no desire to be selfish, but I do have a desire to exist.  To actually be allowed to have needs.  To be able to express them and meet them. 
So, mornings are hard in that I have to get going in the five o'clocks five days a week.  But, they are also a tribute to the One who gives strength for today.  Who gives hope.  Who is peace.  Because every morning, He is still right here.  Never wavering.  I'm kind of learning to love waking up to that. 
Have a great week. 
blessings.

Ladies night

Made it through without losing it.  Pretty amazing.  I wanted to share, but they don't really see me.  I am quiet.  I blend easily.  Totally who I am.  And...I'm getting comfortable with that.  In a good way.  Not in a hiding sort of way.  I don't do that great in groups, but I'm working on it.  I'm learning to just be present.  Not wish for something.  Not think that I should be doing more to connect.  Just being there.  And laughing.  And hanging out.  And eating pie.  And learning about things that I don't know that much about.....I have friends that will talk about anything.  They will say things that I can't imagine verbalizing.  They are good for me.  But, they don't know.  They don't know who he is.  They don't know what I lived through.  I have one friend that connects with another....talks about how their relationships are similar.  I brought my Lundy Bancroft books and she thought that they belonged to my friend.  She can't reconcile that they could belong to me. 
I did look for an opening.  It must not have been the night. Or maybe I'm a coward.  Don't really know.  Just didn't seem appropriate.  Maybe it's just that it wouldn't be right. 
Nonetheless, it was nice to see them.  Even if they don't always see me.  I am not invisible.  I'm just....low maintenance.  It makes me less vibrant in their view.  Less visible. 
I am not invisible.  I am precious.  Jesus loves me.  Hears me.  Weeps with me.  And sends me arms in friends. 
blessings.

Under the Tuscan Sun

Perhaps I should rewatch this movie.  Soak it in.  There's hope there. In moving on.  In knowing that those who love will still love.  And the others will fade quietly and happily in their hearts.  I know....I'm not running away to Tuscany.  But, I am learning to leave my options open.  To dream bigger.  To not limit everything to what I have already done.  I want to hope so big that God can do spectacular things.
I want to be free of the past.  Of his hold on me.  Right now I am trying to live a life that is still in the confines of his impact in my life.
I want to live my life.  Be an example for my kids.  For my daughter.  I want to hold onto them and yet, I know that I have to be able to let go in these upcoming years and that is going to be hard.
Perhaps I could be adopted by a family who always wanted an average middle aged woman?  OK, probably not going to happen.  So, I will dream.  And hope.  And choose peace.  I will overcome the yuck of this room.  I AM overcoming it.
blessings.

Caffeine

I am finding that caffeine...tea and coffee...help a lot with the blahs.  I haven't done any energy drinks for quite awhile.  But, my brain sometimes gets so overwhelmed, and the caffeine helps to clear it.
Simple, I know.  I find that the simple things are what the best.  They help me.  Just doing the little things.  Slowing down. 
I know that life is not any easier.  I can only be glad of this one thing...that I am free of him.  Just nearly. 
And I will keep looking for the future.  Where I'll be going.  How I should move.  The thing is that I don't have family to tie me down.  Or be my stability.  As it is in most of life, the whole strengths are always a weakness too.  So.....I can live a few dreams in the years to come.  I can live by the ocean if I still want to.  I am narrowing down where and what I want to accomplish.  How I want to live. 
Yes, the caffeine helped after the nap.  A lot.  With the gloomies.  Who knew?  I didn't until now.  But I have to remember it on these weekends! 
blessings.

Nap

If you are really struggling and having trouble knowing what to do, take a nap.  It doesn't fix everything.  But, it's not just the avoidance...the rest itself is healing.
Rest.  That's what I have to keep reminding myself.  It's what I'm reminding you.  You are dealing with so much.  The mind, the body and the soul all require rest.
blessings.

Time to Get Off of the Tightrope

I've been trying to be polite.  Trying to walk a narrow line. I have been concerned for others' feelings.  But I'm just going to have to start taking care of me.
Today, I saw one friend going to another's house...all's good with that.  But, I realized that I'm not really invited to houses anymore.  Oh, I can just show up.   I do.  But, thinking perhaps I shouldn't be.  I have been trying really hard to just believe that in at least one relationship, things will be ok.  Today, I am trying really hard to look at it objectively.  If emails and texts aren't answered.  If invites aren't answered.  If there's a sense that I make others uncomfortable.  Hmmm.  Perhaps I should get a clue and not be such a dork.  Neediness drives people away.  And I can't help where I am.  I am needy.  My heart reminds me of my failures.  I get it.
I want to just say what being married to him was like.  But because of this torn feeling, this sense of unrest, I don't know that it's a good idea.  Don't really want to bare my soul to people who are wishing that I'd be less needy anyway.
Never been the popular one, but I've always had good friends.  I used to be a good friend.
Yeah, it hurts.  Yeah, I know that it will pass.  I guess I just need to start here:  know that nobody has an obligation to me.  That nobody needs to feel a certain way or do certain things.  I am disappointed because I hoped that they would show up.  With shovels.  With words of commitment...that they would be able to say that no matter what, they are with me.  I know that I'm an idealist.  And I know that even in this, I'll somehow be ok.  Just tired of walking a tightrope.  Not gong to.  Maybe I'll be alone, but I won't have to be guarded.
I've been doing way too much reaching out.  Thought that was what I was supposed to do.  But, when people aren't reaching back, it's time to grow up.
Love them still.  And they me.  Change is hard.  There ya go, wasn't that profound? ;) y
My life is good.  Somehow I just have to let go and let others do what works for them.  And if that means being a bit on the outside, then that's just how it's going to have to be.  Even if it's holidays.  I just have to adjust.  Get my mind around it.  Pray.  Gather courage.  It's not going to be a pleasant little hike...but the view will be worth it.
blessings.

A Little Time

This morning I have a little time.  I need more.  I know it.  It's not enough to let down.  I have things on my mind and don't have people to talk to.  To bounce it off of.  I need to pray and be still.  I am thinking about whether to keep this house or not.  How long.  What to do to get it ready.  What to do after that.  It's a tough and complex decision.  Living in the house where we raised little ones is difficult.  The room where he has told me such awful things.  I pray over it.  But, I'm alone.  It's not two or three gathered.  It's not a quorum, if you will.  I know God hears.  Yet, there is this prevailing heaviness that lurks.  I realize now that it's the sex, the mean words, the "talks".  I am realizing that weekends have hardness because of this environment.  There are places I avoid in the house...one counter where he sat.  There are things I don't want to do.  So, I need to make a plan.  I need to be purposeful and moving towards what I need to be doing.  For me, for my kids, for others. 
I don't think that I should sell the house yet.  I would end up later with no money.  Because, here, I would have to buy a house and then I would quite possibly be stuck for longer.  I don't want to give up my room because I need the privacy and the bathroom affords me that.  And, in time, I know that the memories will dissipate.  Well....to some degree.  Or maybe not.  The trauma is more than I often acknowledge.  It's hard to go there.  To wonder why I stayed when I felt so deeply uncomfortable, disturbed.  I wanted to do what was right.  Be committed.  But it certainly didn't bring peace.  It certainly didn't help my children to have healthy coping mechanisms. Working on that.  Slowly.  I love them.  They know it.  They love me.  I know it.
But...there's so much to decide.  I know that I shouldn't decide right now.  It just feels like staying here in this house for good will not be good for me.  I could rent it out...but there goes the property value.  But, it's still an option.
I have options.  I am not a victim. I get to decide though it's hard to do so right now. 
The things I know?  I have a good job with benefits and I should hang tight with that for now.  I like it.  God gave it.  Nuff said.
But....this house thing is killer.
And I have to decide how to tell people no.  No, I won't sit with the ex at graduation for my son.  No, I won't be bullied into certain things.  Yes, I expect that they should be supportive.
I need this time.  And more.  Grown up time.  I adore my kids.  But, I can't speak of these things to them.  And  don't have anyone else that seems to be asking or getting that it's an issue.  So, my grown up time will be think and pray time.  And eat some yumy food.  And rest.  And cook. And rest.
I am making it.  I am on the path to recovery.  And it's not easy.  It wasn't an easy choice to choose life.  To choose to become who I am supposed to.  And I shouldn't expect it to be easy.
I am not in a bad place.  Just a knowing that I have to think place.  I'm cooking and thinking about work.  And....just watching some shows and chilling out.  I am taking care of me.  And deciding what my choices need to be.  Do I fix up the house for me or to sell?  What is most important? 
Sometimes it feels like it dd when I was married...that same feeling of just having to figure it out on my own.  Of knowing that it wasn't appropriate to talk to my kids nor others that are his friends.  I guess on that front, not much has changed.  Perhaps the pain is that without thinking about it, I thought that it would?
I am struggling but not down.  Not too depressed.  I am making it ok.  I have people who love me, even if they can't help me with this.
blessings.

Choose

I chose.  I choose.  I move.  I stay.  I have to live with what I do or don't do.  I have to take responsibility for where I am and how I am in my life.  I have to take action.  I have to know that I allowed his behavior.  It kills me.  I did not stand up as I should have.  I wanted to.  I thought that I could.  But, somehow, I guess that I got tired.  Worn down.
He still has that way about him.  He is biding his time.
Well, as of today I know that I won't stay legally separated.  I will divorce him.  I will do whatever it takes for him to have to face that I am done.  Finished.  He needs to own what HE did.  He needs to quit going around being a victim.  He needs to leave me alone.
I get to choose action.  What action.
And I get to choose to be kind.  I will be kind enough to finish it off and not leave anyone wondering...especially him. 
I choose to grow.  To be healthy.  I choose to be the woman I am supposed to be.  Not a victim.  And I choose to do it no matter who goes with me or does not.  I will do what I have to do.  And though it won't be easy, it wil be possible.  And someday it will be in the past.
I choose.  Day by day.  I can't do anything to choose for others.  I choose to love well.  I choose to be friendly.  And I choose to figure out how to make it.  Without excuse.
On my way.
grace to you.

Dearest Friends

To my. dearest friends,
You'll never read this because of where it's written. Yet, maybe I will find peace in having written it.  You know who you are.  You are women who have been in my life for years.  Who have weaknesses and hurts and yet stand strong.  I admire you so much.  I esteem you.  I want to be as strong as I see you being.
I have had so much to tell you lately.  I try to get the time.  And when we get the time, I have a hard time sticking to my guns.  I need to tell you that I really need gentleness. That I need people to reach out to me.  Most of the time I feel like a bother since I have always been the one that does the reaching out, the pulling together.  And....seeing as how I'm so needy now, it makes me feel awkward.
Do you know that I don't get calls to see how I am?  That I don't have other people in the world?  If not for your sweet ladies, I'd be alone in the world except for my kids.  Some of you are right here, some far away.  Yet the truth is that somehow I'm a person that is the connector.  I do the outreach.  Problem when I'm in pain and needing to be loved on.  I write.  I call.  I know that it's not enough.  I want to do more to be sure that you are each ok.
But sometimes....some days....I desperately wish for my phone to ring.  Not to do something for someone.  Just to be checked on.  Invited.
And, I've had words to tell you.  And I have tried.  REALLY tried.  But they just don't get through.  He was a real bad guy to me.  He hurt my body.  Sex was not a thing that felt loving.  It was manipulative.  And in the last years, it was demeaning.  It was all I could do to be in the same house.  I would tremble and shake.
I want you to know how hard I tried.  I want to know for certain that you are my friends.  I am tired of walking this tightrope.  I just want to talk.  But I don't feel like I've been given permission.  I feel like the words I'm hearing are that you can keep things as they were.  I get that.  But, I can't.  It traumatizes me every time.  It's a setback.  It's a crushing thing when he uses you against me.  He knows what he is doing.  He knows that I will walk away before I allow you to be hurt.  He knows that about me.  That's why he keeps pushing in.  Because he knows how to get to me.  The best way is by using people that I care about.  He does it with the kids.  He does it with you.  And I try to be respectful.  And yet....he is being really hurtful.  I need you to see.  I need you to hear me
I have new friends too.  But I NEED you.  I can't tell you how much.
But I don't want to pressure you.  If it's not offered, I don't feel like I have a right to ask for it.  I would do anything for you.  And I don't want to expect things that make you uncomfortable.  But, I know that this whole thing does.  I hate that.
I need so desperately to be heard.  I need a place to cry that's not alone and where I'm actually validated.  It just feels like you want me to find new friends.  That it would be easier.  And so, I struggle.  I hear those words and I wonder why I have no friends who say, "no matter what, I choose you."  And then I feel selfish to even think that.  I have lived so long being treated as if I don't deserve it.
My sweet friends.....just live as you need to.  Grow.  Thrive. But please realize that I am doing the absolute most that I can.  When I say that I can't see him or have him inserted into my life..well that also means that I need not to be asked to do more towards getting along with him or being around him..even for occasions.  It's so hard.  I guess that I'm supposed to be able to do it for the holidays or expect to spend them alone.  That sucks.  I think of Thanksgiving and how we spent it together and now I am thinking that since he's willing to do it altogether and I'm not then I am going to have to be alone.  Please, if that's the case, include my kids.  They will be devastated if not.
I cry often. I know that you don't see it. Or know.  I try not to put you in the middle.  But you are.  Whether I like it or not.  I need you.  I wish I could let you know that.  Instead, I just keep letting you talk about how I should be able to go to things with him there and go to make new friends and go to new churches.  I don't have it in me right now.  Right now, I crave the safe shelter of  those who are bonded to me.  And then....I figure....if it isn't happening, then I must have been a fool thinking that we had that.
I want to talk to you for real.  Tell you the most hurtful things.  I want to get it out and have you love me anyway.  But there's never a chance.
So, here I've rambled on.  Here, I have still not laid my soul bare...but I just feel so solitary.
Like there's nowhere that I'm allowed to lean.  Like nobody else in the world will tell him he's a jerk.  Like there is nobody to stand for me while I am in pain.
But, you gotta know....I'm happy.  I'm going to make it.  Even if it's alone.  I choose to be here.  I know that it's on me.  I know that it's my fault.  My decision.  What you do is your choice.  That's what I need to remember.  That I love you for who you are.  For how you want to live.  And I will be here.  Be there for you.  You are people that have changed my life.  And no matter what.....I will never forget, and I will never be the same.  I love you.
And that makes me horribly sad.