the little financial things

i have had a huge month financially speaking...huge in the way of expenses.  i have a senior.  i have kids pictures that the payment went through.  i had senior pics...which have been slightly under seventy dollars so far.  i am supposed to be ordering the stuff for graduation, but that will have to wait until the end of the month.  college application fees.  i had paid down my credit cards some.  sadly, this month i'll be using them still.  i need to license my kids car.  i need to take my car in for maintenance.  i have a car payment.  i have four mouths to feed.  well, actually seven counting the two dogs and a cat.  i have water and heat.  i had to pay the eye doctors a big chunk of change this month.  it has nearly become amusing that every time i turn around, someone needs money.  ;)
and i could stress and fret.  i do wonder about christmas and about flying my kid home...that airline ticket is first on my list of purchases after pay day!  because he is a gift.
there are a lot of things.  and they are all going to be ok.  in time things smooth out.  getting kids settled in college was pricey.  and it will  even out in time.
i make between three and four hundred less than i was budgeting on.  so...that adds to the mix. 
and yet.  and yet....i see god's hand.  i see his provision.  i see how it all comes together in the right time....time after time.  how he blesses.  how he feeds.  not that i can have everything or do everything...but that there's the ability to look beyond this moment to what he is teaching me, to how he is sustaining, to how immense he is.  how great.  how good.
i could have gone after more maintenance from my husband.  i only took a bit so that in case i ever needed it, i could still negotiate it.  if i took zero, i would never be entitled to any.  no matter what.  but i didn't want to get more.  i didn't want to get even some.  it is enough just to be given my freedom.
i am brave in so many ways.  i don't get to celebrate it with anyone.  i'm sure that most think that it's all just hunky dory.  mostly, they would think that because i firmly believe that god is doing a good thing.  he is making a way.
i am learning how desperately i loathe stinginess.  but even moreso, the act of giving with stinginess.  i'm learning about how god gives.  how he desires us to give with open hearts and hands.  i am learning much. 
i am cared for.  though it can get a little scary.  though i completely laughed when another expense came.  because it has been that kind of month. 
i could take night work for four weeks.  i'd make an extra thousand dollars.  i just don't think that i can do it.  i'd be sooo tired with nothing left for my kids.  so...i'll  just trust that there's a different way.  just because it's an opportunity doesn't mean that it's the right opportunity for now.
i am learning a most basic thing over and over.  i am not in control, in charge, in any way able to make things happen.  and even more importantly.....it's not necessary or expected.  oh, i need to be on time to work i need to do my job well, i need to grow and learn...but no matter what i do, i can't control what may or may not happen.  so, i won't try. i'll leave god's stuff to him
i am blessed.
though that ex can make me crazy still...i am finding that i take away his power when i take away his power in my heart as i continually release the need to ruminate on the pain.  i had to for a time.  i had to come to terms with it.  now....it's ok to let it fade and to still know that it DID exist.  that i'm not crazy.  that he was not nice or giving to me.
i don't have to live there.  i have a new home.  it's called peace.  and laughter.  and openness.  and hope.  there's no room for despair here.  it cannot thrive.  i love my new home. 
blessings.