Though I speak, I am not heard. Though I understand, I cannot explain. I think that I need to practice more. I think that more people need to understand what it is to live this life. I think that christians need to wake up. Men are getting away with horrible behavior. They look good once they feel like they are losing something. They get busy outwardly. They look...godly.
I think that maybe my voice is going to come at some point. I struggle that so many just don't get how deeply wounded I am. That I can't be with him or around him. That knowing that they are hearing his victim status and seeing his charming manner is.....painful for me. Like a punch. Takes my breath away.
Yet, I am learning to choose. I am giving it every ounce of strength that God has given me. To face who I have been. What choices I made that allowed his horrible behavior. And I can say this hear, not in arrogance, but in clear conscience, I gave to marriage, to him, to us....all. For a very long time. Not at the end. But by then, I had already said why. I knew that it was going on a downhill slide and he wasn't willing or, perhaps, able, to make different choices. He used me. He manipulated. He allowed others to speak badly of me. He sexually humiliated me. I am done. But that doesn't mean that I can stop those responses when he is around. Responses to years of feeling his displeasure, his attitude. I wanted to change to make him happy. I wanted to die to make him happy. I just wanted him to find someone better than me that would finally make him settle in and be content. It certainly wasn't me. But why did I let it continue? What needs did I have? What are my deep seated beliefs about God and what He expects of me as a woman? I allowed him to treat me that way by staying. I told him to go. I told him that it was harming me. But I didn't walk away. Not for a very long time after I was able to verbalize it to him. Why? Because somehow it felt as if it was ungodly. I want to use my voice in this world...not as an advocate of divorce, but as an advocate of God's love of all people.....including women....and yes, men....and His desire to have relationship with them. I am hopeful for the future. I want God to use this. To use me.
I don't know that I can tell my friends exactly what I need. I keep trying. I lived so numb for so long in order to just function. I had to separate emotionally. I had to remove myself from the hurt and pain. I cried so often alone. Why don't women in this situation talk...especially christian women? Who should they talk to? Everyone I tried to broach the subject with told me to pray to change. I did. To submit. I did. To be what he needed. I did. To listen to him. I did. To not have expectations. I kept diminishing them. I did all that I knew to do that christian women.....pillars....told me were the godly thing to do. Pray. Love. Do. Be there. Be kind. I genuinely believed it. Tried it. Strived for it. I laid it on me. Not on him. I looked for my faults. But finally, after a very long time, a sinking pit began to grow. A knowing. An inkling. That he liked it that way. That he manipulated to keep being a victim so that I would work to be better for him. And there came a time when I thought that I would disappear altogether if I kept up the behaviors I had developed in order to keep tension from my home. And I began to pray for a way out.
I'm done. This is my voice. And it's too hard for me to see him. Or to hear people talking sweetly about him. Right now, I need support. I need to know if push comes to shove and he says anything or is disrespectful of me then they will stand up. Love me. Choose me. There aren't many that I need it from. But a few. I need to know. I need to hear. I need to have them see the ugliness that I have lived through without covering for him. Without excusing him. Without them trying to make me be more or stronger. I need them to see that I just about didn't make it. That I am strong in faith....not less now. That I am loveable. Though way too needy. I just need......faithful friends. They are all I've got. I don't have a mom and sisters. Gotta live with what is. But what if that isn't? That crushes my soul. And they don't get it.
But, they love. And for now...I'll just remember that and try not to expect anymore than that.
I am going to find my voice. And, I am going to rise up and speak for women. Speak to women who hurt. And some people within the church are going to absolutely hate me. Because I am not going to say that women should allow this. I think that healthy means dealing with it. One day.....one day, my voice is going to come to life. I know it.
blessings.
I think that maybe my voice is going to come at some point. I struggle that so many just don't get how deeply wounded I am. That I can't be with him or around him. That knowing that they are hearing his victim status and seeing his charming manner is.....painful for me. Like a punch. Takes my breath away.
Yet, I am learning to choose. I am giving it every ounce of strength that God has given me. To face who I have been. What choices I made that allowed his horrible behavior. And I can say this hear, not in arrogance, but in clear conscience, I gave to marriage, to him, to us....all. For a very long time. Not at the end. But by then, I had already said why. I knew that it was going on a downhill slide and he wasn't willing or, perhaps, able, to make different choices. He used me. He manipulated. He allowed others to speak badly of me. He sexually humiliated me. I am done. But that doesn't mean that I can stop those responses when he is around. Responses to years of feeling his displeasure, his attitude. I wanted to change to make him happy. I wanted to die to make him happy. I just wanted him to find someone better than me that would finally make him settle in and be content. It certainly wasn't me. But why did I let it continue? What needs did I have? What are my deep seated beliefs about God and what He expects of me as a woman? I allowed him to treat me that way by staying. I told him to go. I told him that it was harming me. But I didn't walk away. Not for a very long time after I was able to verbalize it to him. Why? Because somehow it felt as if it was ungodly. I want to use my voice in this world...not as an advocate of divorce, but as an advocate of God's love of all people.....including women....and yes, men....and His desire to have relationship with them. I am hopeful for the future. I want God to use this. To use me.
I don't know that I can tell my friends exactly what I need. I keep trying. I lived so numb for so long in order to just function. I had to separate emotionally. I had to remove myself from the hurt and pain. I cried so often alone. Why don't women in this situation talk...especially christian women? Who should they talk to? Everyone I tried to broach the subject with told me to pray to change. I did. To submit. I did. To be what he needed. I did. To listen to him. I did. To not have expectations. I kept diminishing them. I did all that I knew to do that christian women.....pillars....told me were the godly thing to do. Pray. Love. Do. Be there. Be kind. I genuinely believed it. Tried it. Strived for it. I laid it on me. Not on him. I looked for my faults. But finally, after a very long time, a sinking pit began to grow. A knowing. An inkling. That he liked it that way. That he manipulated to keep being a victim so that I would work to be better for him. And there came a time when I thought that I would disappear altogether if I kept up the behaviors I had developed in order to keep tension from my home. And I began to pray for a way out.
I'm done. This is my voice. And it's too hard for me to see him. Or to hear people talking sweetly about him. Right now, I need support. I need to know if push comes to shove and he says anything or is disrespectful of me then they will stand up. Love me. Choose me. There aren't many that I need it from. But a few. I need to know. I need to hear. I need to have them see the ugliness that I have lived through without covering for him. Without excusing him. Without them trying to make me be more or stronger. I need them to see that I just about didn't make it. That I am strong in faith....not less now. That I am loveable. Though way too needy. I just need......faithful friends. They are all I've got. I don't have a mom and sisters. Gotta live with what is. But what if that isn't? That crushes my soul. And they don't get it.
But, they love. And for now...I'll just remember that and try not to expect anymore than that.
I am going to find my voice. And, I am going to rise up and speak for women. Speak to women who hurt. And some people within the church are going to absolutely hate me. Because I am not going to say that women should allow this. I think that healthy means dealing with it. One day.....one day, my voice is going to come to life. I know it.
blessings.
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