Busy

I've cleaned and done laundry.  Still so much to do.  Yet, a start.  I've played ball with my sweet dog.  He liked it....a little out of shape.  Both of us. ;)  And I've faced my greatest fears yet again.  Cried?  Yes, but with the place in my heart that doesn't accuse me.  Of not being enough.  Of not being worth it.  That's the part that gets me.  I have been shown for so long that I'm not worth it.  That I'm lucky to have a guy like him that comes home at night and spends his money on us.  You know, it took me a long time to realize that that isn't love.  Holding things like that over people doesn't indicate love.  It indicates control. 
I might ache, but I am still going about my day and how to choose what I want.  I want my house to be a home.  Not just a shelter.  I will keep working to that end.  Though I am tired and overwhelmed, I can still do some.  And then I can be proud of me.  I am choosing to be proud of me.
I am figuring out that I need to let go and let people live their lives.  I am figuring out that at my church home I am easily replaced in people's lives.  What I have a hard time dealing with is what that says about me.  It really isn't the events.  It is more about the fact that I wish that I had done better.  I feel lacking.  But, I am facing the biggest hurdle of all and that is simply living with the facts, with what I am.....and being ok with both.  I am trying to actively take responsibility while NOT actively condemning myself.
Life is full.  And life is good.  I am going to make it.  One moment at a time.  Some filled with laughter.  Some with tears.  Some with sorrow.  Some with joy.  Some with confusion.  Some with certainty.  And I need to be who I am through all of them...actually, I need to be aspiring to be who I know that I should be no matter what the circumstances.  What is inside of me matters.  A lot.
blessings.