Perspective

Though I am in pain and often feel as if I can't share completely openly with anyone, I have a better perspective than I did a year ago.  I am no longer at the bottom of the pit hoping to get out.  I am out.  And the residual pain and scratches and bruises and fears are from that time....but I am not there still.  I don't belong there.  God has put my feet on higher ground.  But what I'm learning is that speaking of these things is hard for me because everywhere I turn, I see him.  He is facebook friends with everyone I am facebook friends with.  Everyone at my church knows him and communicates with him too.  So, part of my pain is that I feel like I'm constantly needing to filter.  I don't want things to travel back to him.  I don't want people I know and love to feel that sense of being pulled apart.  So, I feel like I'm constantly on a balance beam or tightrope.  Trying to be genuine....but not so genuine that it makes others uncomfortable.  I cross the line too often and I don't feel good about it.  I know that it's a problem because nobody can ever just get past having to be with both.  Nobody can ever say, "I'll be done with him if you are done with him."  And it feels petty of me.  And yet....it also just feels like longing to belong.  To be the one people see.  But I will always be the invisible one when it comes to he and I.  And that I don't care about in the big scheme.  It's in the one on one.  In the moments when I just wish that I could say, "do you know what it feels like when someone wants you to...." and not worry about the "line".
But, today I glory in the fact that though nobody will say, "I will be the one to sit with you at church, and the one to have your back....I will be the one who will help you to be strong and won't try to cater to him as well."  Though I don't have that, I am OUT OF THE PIT.   I am finding joy in my work and in my children.  I am learning to do many things.  I am finding that I am smart and that I have a lot to offer.
And I don't have to walk every day.  Sometimes it is enough just to sit still.  To weep.  To hurt.  Because pain is also part of healing.
I am never going back.  As I said two years ago....if I lose every friend I have, I have to go forward in this.  I haven't lost them.  I just haven't gained them as a single friend and not a couple friend.  That's ok.  I just have to let go.  Love them.  Let them love me.  Just how things are.  Just as we can.  And yes, I will always carry the burden of wanting to protect and be loyal...it's just who I am.....and I'm really beginning to like who I am.  A lot.
blessings.