sat down. in a comfy chair. had my bath. probably down for the night. though there are dishes to be done and plenty that could be accomplished. i'm just hurting about how hard it still is for me to believe in me. to love me.
i remembered, while i was soaking in the tub, how "he" just couldn't be with me. ever. unless sex was involved. or going to be involved. i was not a valued person. i was a commodity. i remember how when i would try to be with him, just to be with him...he would just keep walking in another room and back or doing whatever he was doing. and i realized as i soaked how that has hurt me. and is still with me. when i am put aside like that, i struggle. http://artbyerinleigh.blogspot.com/2012/10/31-days-of-scripture-art-journaling-day_10.html
This spoke to me today...her picture...her pursuing what was of value to her.
i am heartbroken not because of who i am, but because it is still so very hard for me to stand up for that woman that i am. i am so easily swayed to think badly of myself. i didn't used to be that way. he REALLY did a number on me. slowly. over time. he taught me that i wasn't worth taking time for, not worth being excited over....that what i had to do was perform.
and when i am hurting like this, i feel that way again. and i mourn the loss of being able to trust that who god made me was purposeful. unique. for His pleasure.
instead i think...."he" was probably right.
no wonder nobody wants to stop just to be with me. if i have nothing to give then why would they?
wellll.....because i am me. and though my voice is small and though i'm having trouble believing it...that doesn't change god's promise nor truth.
but i wish that i was one of "those" people that everyone just likes to be with.....
i remembered, while i was soaking in the tub, how "he" just couldn't be with me. ever. unless sex was involved. or going to be involved. i was not a valued person. i was a commodity. i remember how when i would try to be with him, just to be with him...he would just keep walking in another room and back or doing whatever he was doing. and i realized as i soaked how that has hurt me. and is still with me. when i am put aside like that, i struggle. http://artbyerinleigh.blogspot.com/2012/10/31-days-of-scripture-art-journaling-day_10.html
This spoke to me today...her picture...her pursuing what was of value to her.
i am heartbroken not because of who i am, but because it is still so very hard for me to stand up for that woman that i am. i am so easily swayed to think badly of myself. i didn't used to be that way. he REALLY did a number on me. slowly. over time. he taught me that i wasn't worth taking time for, not worth being excited over....that what i had to do was perform.
and when i am hurting like this, i feel that way again. and i mourn the loss of being able to trust that who god made me was purposeful. unique. for His pleasure.
instead i think...."he" was probably right.
no wonder nobody wants to stop just to be with me. if i have nothing to give then why would they?
wellll.....because i am me. and though my voice is small and though i'm having trouble believing it...that doesn't change god's promise nor truth.
but i wish that i was one of "those" people that everyone just likes to be with.....
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