a place to talk

I feel so much like this.  Beaten down.  Like nobody realizes what it takes to get back up again.  I absolutely know that his charm keeps them from knowing what he has done to me.  And so, I am expected to be normal.  To buck up.  To be ok.  To simply do what I do.
But you know, I have not an extra dime this month.  The last ten days of the month, I have had to not buy AT ALL.  Nothing.  I needed away from him so much that I gave up having him have to help with things or having to pay me alimony after the kids are grown.  And I'm glad for that.  And I'm glad to see how God does such amazing things.
But I don't feel important.  I don't even feel visible.  I feel like I'm never sought out.  As if it's fine  that I am places, but not like the world is brighter when I'm in it or less when I'm not.
And hey, I know how to live there.  How to blame myself for it.  How to think that it's me, not anyone else.
On top of everything else...my son was snotty again.  Why are there noodles with this meal?  I don't want them.  He wouldn't take his brother to the store.  Nor help at all around the house.  He says he's not going to Texas at Christmas...and I think that I need him to.  All of that on top of my broken heart.....about time to close the door and tune out.
But look at that hand on the shoulder.  I know it's there.  I don't deserve it, but it is.  Loving me though I can't pull it together.  Can't face the fact that maybe I'm just not very loveable.
I know that having to do the concert last night with him there...him having money to spend to take whoever wanted to Dairy Queen afterwards...when that was my idea and tradition....which was hotly disputed based on price.  It's just so hard to have to let him shine while I get to tell my kids that they have to wait awhile longer before I buy more cereal.  Don't get me wrong...we have food.  There are just things they are wanting me to get and I can't right now.
I wish....really wish........that I was one of the easy to love people.  Because right now it would feel really good.  You know, the kind of people that others call or reach out to.  The kind of people that are that bright spot in a day and people miss it when they don't see them.   Guess I'm lucky to be as normal as I am.  Looking at what I've lived through.
He was really a jerk to me.