I had lots of time to think this morning. I almost went to church because an old friend might be there, but I didn't reach her by text or phone, so I decided not to risk it. I scrounged up enough money to buy myself a medium coffee and sit alone in a local coffee shop for 45 minutes in a comfy chair.
I had some great realizations today. Things that have been a part of my journey and have been thorns to me...when in fact, I am finding that maybe those thorns don't have the power to hurt me.
I am alone. Period. Nobody at church misses me. The hole I perhaps left, is filled by others who meet the same or similar needs. I am not indispensable. Nobody has an obligation or a reason to make it better. To make me feel better. Each person continues on...living her/his own life. Moving ever forward. Sometimes connected, sometimes flowing onward...maybe to meet up again and maybe not. That may sound hopeless, but really that's not it. I sat in the coffee shop and realized that what is painful is not the truth, but fear of the truth. Or avoiding the truth. Sitting by myself reminded me that though I perhaps am indeed invisible to some, I am not invisible to the living God. He sees me. And when I sit alone, I can still be at peace. I can know that it's ok. That I'm ok. I can discover who I am. How I am. I can keep moving forward. I will be stronger. I will be more faithful. I will be more tender. And I will survive.
Not to say that I don't, won't or haven't mourned. I have, I do, and I will. But lamenting is not about a lack of joy. It is about the truth that even within the midst of joy, there is a knowledge of what has been left behind and what it will take to move forward. I have come a long way. I have a long way to go.
I have also come to the realization that I can't deal with stingy. Not won't...can't. Not in close relationships. It is like putting in a port that drains blood. It takes the life out of me. Not stingy with time. Not stingy with money. Not in those that are close to me. And certainly not in my inner circle....including any significant other. This is a huge revelation. I'm saying that because I have always been able to give. I can make up for the lack. I always just assume that it's what they feel or mean too. But, slowly, it drains me. It makes me weak. It hurts my heart. It destroys me. I watched people at the coffee shop. I could see the givers and the takers. And the best couples were the giver/receivers. I loved seeing it. I am not cynical. It is simply not what I had. Not what I was going to have with him. I saw a man who looked like the contractor we had many years ago. He took advantage of us. And my husband took out his rage on me. In passive aggressive ways. In withholding love. In meanness. He completely used me as his focus of blame. He could have taken it out on the man. Could have taken it out legally. Could have sought help from other men. But, instead, he spent his energy to make me pay. To make me feel irresponsible. I knew that there was a monetary price on his love. That if it cost him that way, he would withdraw his love, compassion, support and kindness. But he would pretend that it was ok. He would want sex.. He would use sex. Sex would become a way to dominate. That stinginess of love, of money, is probably the root of what ended my marriage.
I also realized again that if I don't reach out, others don't reach to me. I'm in a strange place in life. Too needy for most to want to be around me. Yesterday, I unfriended some people on my facebook account. People who simply drain and don't have any investment in my life. I can stand the fact that with acquaintances that I have to do the work. But, again, in those closest, if that becomes the case, then I need to just accept the fact that they aren't the closest ones anymore. That I need to know that I can't fix it all. And that if I'm having to try to fix it all, to constantly keep relationships intact, then really....they have already changed. I don't mean that I don't have to put in effort. I just mean that when the effort becomes one sided, I need to have enough grace, to myself and to them, to wish them well, cry my tears and go on living.
I've grown a lot. Matured a lot. Gone back to the person I was at the core...in a more vibrant, real, mature way than ever before. But it's still happening. It's going to be a very long journey. Parts of it were delayed for way too many years. The one who should have nurtured and cared for the person that I was supposed to become, instead tore her down, made her second guess, made her feel small, gave her no reason to try for things that would make her happy but only him. Too much. Too long. The relationship died. But, I did not. I need to nurture the one that I am supposed to become. I need to forgive myself. I need to move along in life and not cling to what was.
Only a few things are certain in life. One is God. Another is my love for my children. And one more....elusive and hard to believe....but that I will never walk alone. God provides for me. And He knows my heart and soul. He knows my deepest heart. And He knows that while I'm not a popular, outgoing sort, I require a few close people to walk with me. Dry times come. Deserts. But there will be streams. He will provide. Always.
I have come to many realizations. They may not seem positive. But they were for me. To be able to sit with them and not freak out. To simply be. To rest. To know that there's really nobody who checks on me or even knows that I need that......but that's not forever. It has gone on for way too long. I was the reacher. I was the connector. I invited. I cooked. I was hospitable. I genuinely cared about the many that I had through my home. And someday, I'll be there again. But for now, I can't be the one that does all of that. I need to be nurtured. Or I just need to be. It's hard because my kids are suffering in this. They want to have people over or go over to people's houses. But that is from a previous life. I guess that they have to grieve too. That part kills me. I'd like to fix it. But I can't make people meet my kids' needs. So, I will just trust that somehow we will make it through. That they will learn to be stronger but not to give up on others loving them. It's as if they are invisible to people too. Such good kids that they don't get any of the "special" attention. Their dad spends more money on them. They talk about that. It's not what a relationship is built on. But, at least it is something.
Speaking of that....the ex is taking the grandkids to the pumpkin farm today. When we were married, no way was money to be used like that. But...now....well, it's his way of connecting now. He's with so many people in so many places now. My journey is different. I am looking for how I failed in how I chose a man like him. For what I needed or wanted that I failed to see the truth. I am looking at myself and how I want to be and who I want to be in the future. I am letting go of so much and learning to nurture what is left.
I also realized that I may have a hard time doing this house thing, but I will keep trying. It's important to my daughter to stay here. So, I will figure it out. Overwhelming though it is. All 3200 square feet. And a really big yard. I need to just do the best that I can. Sometimes I weep that not one person from my "past life" has said those words...."do you need anything?" Oh well. I'll manage it. I am strong. I may not do it all right, but I'll just have to forgive myself. And be gentle with myself.
It is a good day. A day full of truth. Of a journey to being me. The real me that God made. Hard journey? Yep. Exciting? Double yep.
blessings.
I had some great realizations today. Things that have been a part of my journey and have been thorns to me...when in fact, I am finding that maybe those thorns don't have the power to hurt me.
I am alone. Period. Nobody at church misses me. The hole I perhaps left, is filled by others who meet the same or similar needs. I am not indispensable. Nobody has an obligation or a reason to make it better. To make me feel better. Each person continues on...living her/his own life. Moving ever forward. Sometimes connected, sometimes flowing onward...maybe to meet up again and maybe not. That may sound hopeless, but really that's not it. I sat in the coffee shop and realized that what is painful is not the truth, but fear of the truth. Or avoiding the truth. Sitting by myself reminded me that though I perhaps am indeed invisible to some, I am not invisible to the living God. He sees me. And when I sit alone, I can still be at peace. I can know that it's ok. That I'm ok. I can discover who I am. How I am. I can keep moving forward. I will be stronger. I will be more faithful. I will be more tender. And I will survive.
Not to say that I don't, won't or haven't mourned. I have, I do, and I will. But lamenting is not about a lack of joy. It is about the truth that even within the midst of joy, there is a knowledge of what has been left behind and what it will take to move forward. I have come a long way. I have a long way to go.
I have also come to the realization that I can't deal with stingy. Not won't...can't. Not in close relationships. It is like putting in a port that drains blood. It takes the life out of me. Not stingy with time. Not stingy with money. Not in those that are close to me. And certainly not in my inner circle....including any significant other. This is a huge revelation. I'm saying that because I have always been able to give. I can make up for the lack. I always just assume that it's what they feel or mean too. But, slowly, it drains me. It makes me weak. It hurts my heart. It destroys me. I watched people at the coffee shop. I could see the givers and the takers. And the best couples were the giver/receivers. I loved seeing it. I am not cynical. It is simply not what I had. Not what I was going to have with him. I saw a man who looked like the contractor we had many years ago. He took advantage of us. And my husband took out his rage on me. In passive aggressive ways. In withholding love. In meanness. He completely used me as his focus of blame. He could have taken it out on the man. Could have taken it out legally. Could have sought help from other men. But, instead, he spent his energy to make me pay. To make me feel irresponsible. I knew that there was a monetary price on his love. That if it cost him that way, he would withdraw his love, compassion, support and kindness. But he would pretend that it was ok. He would want sex.. He would use sex. Sex would become a way to dominate. That stinginess of love, of money, is probably the root of what ended my marriage.
I also realized again that if I don't reach out, others don't reach to me. I'm in a strange place in life. Too needy for most to want to be around me. Yesterday, I unfriended some people on my facebook account. People who simply drain and don't have any investment in my life. I can stand the fact that with acquaintances that I have to do the work. But, again, in those closest, if that becomes the case, then I need to just accept the fact that they aren't the closest ones anymore. That I need to know that I can't fix it all. And that if I'm having to try to fix it all, to constantly keep relationships intact, then really....they have already changed. I don't mean that I don't have to put in effort. I just mean that when the effort becomes one sided, I need to have enough grace, to myself and to them, to wish them well, cry my tears and go on living.
I've grown a lot. Matured a lot. Gone back to the person I was at the core...in a more vibrant, real, mature way than ever before. But it's still happening. It's going to be a very long journey. Parts of it were delayed for way too many years. The one who should have nurtured and cared for the person that I was supposed to become, instead tore her down, made her second guess, made her feel small, gave her no reason to try for things that would make her happy but only him. Too much. Too long. The relationship died. But, I did not. I need to nurture the one that I am supposed to become. I need to forgive myself. I need to move along in life and not cling to what was.
Only a few things are certain in life. One is God. Another is my love for my children. And one more....elusive and hard to believe....but that I will never walk alone. God provides for me. And He knows my heart and soul. He knows my deepest heart. And He knows that while I'm not a popular, outgoing sort, I require a few close people to walk with me. Dry times come. Deserts. But there will be streams. He will provide. Always.
I have come to many realizations. They may not seem positive. But they were for me. To be able to sit with them and not freak out. To simply be. To rest. To know that there's really nobody who checks on me or even knows that I need that......but that's not forever. It has gone on for way too long. I was the reacher. I was the connector. I invited. I cooked. I was hospitable. I genuinely cared about the many that I had through my home. And someday, I'll be there again. But for now, I can't be the one that does all of that. I need to be nurtured. Or I just need to be. It's hard because my kids are suffering in this. They want to have people over or go over to people's houses. But that is from a previous life. I guess that they have to grieve too. That part kills me. I'd like to fix it. But I can't make people meet my kids' needs. So, I will just trust that somehow we will make it through. That they will learn to be stronger but not to give up on others loving them. It's as if they are invisible to people too. Such good kids that they don't get any of the "special" attention. Their dad spends more money on them. They talk about that. It's not what a relationship is built on. But, at least it is something.
Speaking of that....the ex is taking the grandkids to the pumpkin farm today. When we were married, no way was money to be used like that. But...now....well, it's his way of connecting now. He's with so many people in so many places now. My journey is different. I am looking for how I failed in how I chose a man like him. For what I needed or wanted that I failed to see the truth. I am looking at myself and how I want to be and who I want to be in the future. I am letting go of so much and learning to nurture what is left.
I also realized that I may have a hard time doing this house thing, but I will keep trying. It's important to my daughter to stay here. So, I will figure it out. Overwhelming though it is. All 3200 square feet. And a really big yard. I need to just do the best that I can. Sometimes I weep that not one person from my "past life" has said those words...."do you need anything?" Oh well. I'll manage it. I am strong. I may not do it all right, but I'll just have to forgive myself. And be gentle with myself.
It is a good day. A day full of truth. Of a journey to being me. The real me that God made. Hard journey? Yep. Exciting? Double yep.
blessings.
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