Not Very Nice

Been working on my not very nice thoughts.  I laughed out loud when I was driving today and I was thinking of how to answer people when they ask me if it's ok with me if they do something with him or have him do something for them....because I get that they feel that need, but I don't really know how to answer.  So, I was role playing in my head.  I heard the question, "would it be ok with you if we invite him to......?"  And I thought, "hell no...would you want me to invite someone that sexually humiliated you?"  Ok, my words were more graphic in my mind.  But it made me laugh.  Because I would never say that.  I try to be nice.  Try to be understanding.  When what I wish I had the right to say is, "just tell him to go screw himself."  That made me laugh again.  Not very nice thoughts, I know.  But it's hard for me to express any of those things to others.  Because deep inside I know that they have a right to their own relationship and own decisions.  And I also know that even if those decisions hurt me, I don't get to decide for them, I only get to decide what to do within my relationship with them.  My total "favorite" is when he asks to help my friend....sarcasm on that being my favorite....but, my favorite mental response.  Because he wants to look good to her.  Because he views her as a way to show me what a nice guy he is.  Because if she is nice to him then I must not have any good reason to be treating him so poorly.  One of the best things I ready in my Lundy Bancroft books was how men who emotionally abuse use relationships that the women are close to in order to hurt her.  Once they are away, they make themselves feel better by being nice to others who are close to her.  Then, in their minds, they can rationalize that the ex had no good grounds to leave him.  It also talks about how those surrounding people are used.  That is the part I hate. 
Now, when people tell me how nice he is, I want to say, "yeah, if you like stingy."  Or, "sure, if being made to feel like a prostitute is your thing." 
I am learning so much.  I'm not afraid that I'm not going to make it.  I'm just sorry that I am going to have to experience so much loss.  I'm sorry that it has hurt others.  But if he even thinks for a moment that I would go back to living with how he treated me....."he can totally just give me a penny for my thoughts on that....oh yeah, he's stingy....".  I'm just thinking that if I can get through a whole week without thinking "jackass" then I'll be getting better.  Hasn't happened yet.  Maybe it did on vacation....but not while we are here.
He is inconsiderate, selfish and a fraud.  I was in disbelief for many years.  Can't blame others who haven't had to live with him.  He's just so damn charming....