No matter what I do, the questions remain constant for me. What will I choose? What is ok with me? What can I tolerate? How much can I bear of him in my life? How much entrance do I allow? I don't know that answers. I know that hearing his name causes my whole body to clench. I know that having the feeling that I owe him for anything makes me feel dirty. Yeah, that's right, dirty. I can't believe that I stayed married to him as long as I did. I am so glad that I'm not married now. So glad that he's gone. But, then, he's not really. Just keeps showing up again. And I have to keep figuring out how to keep my boundaries and space.
He is a part of the lives of people that I care about. So, some things I have to learn to suck up and deal with. And if it makes my eyes water and my legs go weak, well the thing is....I'm strong and courageous. I will make it. It might knock me hard, but I'll adjust.
I am having a rough afternoon because of all of this. Oh, and then getting home and finding out that he is taking the kids for dinner.....I made homemade soup. No checking. No making a schedule. It's...irritating. Extremely. Painfully so. Not just because he does it. But because he has an in with everyone I know. There is not one person that has said that they will just do without him. They have been nice enough to understand that I don't want to do the "together" activities. They have gotten that it gets kind of rough. But there is nobody who has been able to say that they are just with me. That they get how I can't stand being in the middle. Not of conversations...but of always having to judge what to say or not say. What to let them know that I feel or not. Because they are his friends too. It's really just too much. I have no friends that can be that. He is good at ingratiating himself. I just want to quit feeling invisible. Like having needs is not ok. Like there's nobody who will help me. I need to do my room and I have to do it alone. I have a million things and on top of it, Ihave to deal with his sideline stuff. Makes it hard.
I am having a really hard day. Mostly because I have tried to tell others. I tried to explain it to my friend today. I just felt....dumb. Realizing again that I do not have the right to wish that any of them would just pick me. Just know how deep my pain goes and that it kills me to have them on the fence. But that is not my right. At all. I have to learn how to adjust. It's just so very hard. Unbelievably so. Like I'm being suffocated. Can't breathe. LIke I will never get to have a life with people that I care about without him being a part of it. That makes me so very sad. It's like I'm going to have to give up everything because he treated me like crap and I finally said enough. But that I will pay the consequences for saying it......and he will reap the benefits of people not wanting to take sides and in so doing, giving him support.
Too many tears. I'm tired of crying that he makes life so hard. It has been years. I dislike how he behaves. I dislike how he uses things to get to me. I dislike how he doesn't let things be so that I can have a safe place to heal. He has to be part of everything and every relationship. It's not like I force myself into his friendships with the guys. But, he does. He acts like it's his right. And...it is. As long as people want to encourage him and be with him and smile at him and talk with him and interact with him....then, it's his right. Because I don't have a choice for others.
I am so tired of hearing how everyone can be just as they were before. No. You can't. Because I can't be me. I have to build a barrier. And I have to constantly be on guard. And I have to live with the fact that he won. He will not respect any boundaries that I wish for or ask for. Because there's nobody that can make him. And he doesn't respect me enough to do so.
I have tried so hard to be open with our mutual friends that are my very best friends. But it doesn't do any good. And I just keep putting myself in awkward positions. Trying to let them know what I'm going through and it's met with silence. Awkward because I feel like I overstep and am making them feel like they have to choose. This day is a wash. I needed a hug and I couldn't even hug my friend. I just had to walk away. I feel like I am just a bother. A basket case. Nowhere to go. Nobody to call. Pretty pathetic. Maybe I should just quit trying. But they are people that I don't want to let go of. Yet...sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier for them. I wonder if they wish that I didn't make life more complicated by my choice. Because things were easier for others when I was holding together an unhealthy marriage.
I'm so lonely.
He is a part of the lives of people that I care about. So, some things I have to learn to suck up and deal with. And if it makes my eyes water and my legs go weak, well the thing is....I'm strong and courageous. I will make it. It might knock me hard, but I'll adjust.
I am having a rough afternoon because of all of this. Oh, and then getting home and finding out that he is taking the kids for dinner.....I made homemade soup. No checking. No making a schedule. It's...irritating. Extremely. Painfully so. Not just because he does it. But because he has an in with everyone I know. There is not one person that has said that they will just do without him. They have been nice enough to understand that I don't want to do the "together" activities. They have gotten that it gets kind of rough. But there is nobody who has been able to say that they are just with me. That they get how I can't stand being in the middle. Not of conversations...but of always having to judge what to say or not say. What to let them know that I feel or not. Because they are his friends too. It's really just too much. I have no friends that can be that. He is good at ingratiating himself. I just want to quit feeling invisible. Like having needs is not ok. Like there's nobody who will help me. I need to do my room and I have to do it alone. I have a million things and on top of it, Ihave to deal with his sideline stuff. Makes it hard.
I am having a really hard day. Mostly because I have tried to tell others. I tried to explain it to my friend today. I just felt....dumb. Realizing again that I do not have the right to wish that any of them would just pick me. Just know how deep my pain goes and that it kills me to have them on the fence. But that is not my right. At all. I have to learn how to adjust. It's just so very hard. Unbelievably so. Like I'm being suffocated. Can't breathe. LIke I will never get to have a life with people that I care about without him being a part of it. That makes me so very sad. It's like I'm going to have to give up everything because he treated me like crap and I finally said enough. But that I will pay the consequences for saying it......and he will reap the benefits of people not wanting to take sides and in so doing, giving him support.
Too many tears. I'm tired of crying that he makes life so hard. It has been years. I dislike how he behaves. I dislike how he uses things to get to me. I dislike how he doesn't let things be so that I can have a safe place to heal. He has to be part of everything and every relationship. It's not like I force myself into his friendships with the guys. But, he does. He acts like it's his right. And...it is. As long as people want to encourage him and be with him and smile at him and talk with him and interact with him....then, it's his right. Because I don't have a choice for others.
I am so tired of hearing how everyone can be just as they were before. No. You can't. Because I can't be me. I have to build a barrier. And I have to constantly be on guard. And I have to live with the fact that he won. He will not respect any boundaries that I wish for or ask for. Because there's nobody that can make him. And he doesn't respect me enough to do so.
I have tried so hard to be open with our mutual friends that are my very best friends. But it doesn't do any good. And I just keep putting myself in awkward positions. Trying to let them know what I'm going through and it's met with silence. Awkward because I feel like I overstep and am making them feel like they have to choose. This day is a wash. I needed a hug and I couldn't even hug my friend. I just had to walk away. I feel like I am just a bother. A basket case. Nowhere to go. Nobody to call. Pretty pathetic. Maybe I should just quit trying. But they are people that I don't want to let go of. Yet...sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier for them. I wonder if they wish that I didn't make life more complicated by my choice. Because things were easier for others when I was holding together an unhealthy marriage.
I'm so lonely.
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