Being Bare Naked

Tonight I met with my girlfriends.  They are pretty amazing ladies.  I will always love them.  They are the kind of people in my life that I will get up at anytime of day or night.  I will go do anything...even stuff I don't feel like doing.  They are the kind of friends that if someone wrongs them, I am right there beside them....looking for a shovel.  But tonight, for the first time, I realized how alone I am.  I have just thought that the reason that nobody is solely on my "team" or "side" is because I haven't verbalized what I need or how I feel.  And after much praying and trying to breathe and being as courageous as I know how to be,  I spit it out how it feels to have people being neutral.  And there was sympathy that I have no family.  And there was the consensus that I need a counselor....like I have money for that.  And there was the tsk tsking about how hard it will be to let go of the relationships that I've had for 18 years.  But....well, that was it.  And I had to leave.  I had to go home.  I felt bare naked.  Like I had put out there my most desperate need and I found out that my worst fears are true.  So, I begged off because I have to go to work early and I went home.  To cry.  I told them how I feel like I have to walk that tightrope.  I tried so hard.  Gave it what I had.  But, now, I have to just let it go.  I have to find a way to understand it.  I have to just cry it out and get on with life.  The whole "go make new friends" was really hard.  I know that I will, but it was painful to feel dismissed.  Like I should move on.  That I am right not to expect that anyone will be there.  Wow.  How off I was in what I believed about my life.  I sit here sobbing.  Hardly able to take a breath.  And I feel the pain seep in.  I am simply heartbroken.  They are still my friends.  I will always love them.  And still....I will be there for them whenever.  But now I understand that it's not what I can expect from others and that the reason I give it is because for me, it is family.  I guess that this kind of family is all I've ever known.  But for my friends, they have real family.  They have what they need in that area.  It's not their fault that I do not.
So, I will come here and share with you.  I will let you walk with me as I find the grace to walk this road.  As I figure out how to stand up again.  I feel....embarrassed.  And I feel like a bother.  No longer do I have that sense that it would be ok to call in the middle of the night.  No longer do I feel like I should treat these friendships like anything should be expected.  I have to let go of hope or expectations.  I need to understand that people don't say those comforting things when they don't feel comfortable saying them.  And now I just feel so awkward.  Like I've assumed for so many years.  How embarrassing is that? 
I'm having a glass of wine.  Crying.  Loads of snot and all.  Ever been there?  To that place where you have to do what you have to do and you have no offensive line.  I'm like a quarterback alone on the line facing the defense. 
How could I have lived these 47 years and have absolutely nobody that can say that they are for me...just me...not for him.  How can I have missed this?  I thought that I was building those kinds of relationships.  I know that I don't have that many...I'm not an extrovert.  I don't like big groups.  I am better one on one.  But now I guess that I'll learn to be fine as just one. 
I just can't stop crying.  I bolted from our time together.  I ran first to the bathroom to get it together enough to make it out the door. 
I've been there for so many people in my life.  Now, I will just figure this out.  I am stronger than I feel right at this moment.  I am not as stupid as I feel.  It's just the aftermath of the separation.  People don't know what to do.  They are doing their best to cope too.  I know all of those things.  I am very good at seeing those things.  I know that they don't feel any differently towards me. 
My friend online wants to be sure that I have support here.  They want me to have support somewhere else.  I'll just let them all not worry.  I'll be fine.  Somehow.  Crying won't kill me.  And though this is how it is....I'm still so glad to have him out of my life.  It's still worth it. 
But I do feel like I just walked through the city park in the nude.  Though I'm sure that they had no idea.  They didn't know how hard it was for me to put those things out there.  They have no obligations to do anything but what works with their own boundaries.
But I got the distinct feeling that I need to back off.  That at this stage I'm supposed to go find somewhere else to be and make different relationships.  Strangely, I have been so happy with who I am lately, but there is this one thing.  That's not what I do best.  I am loyal.  I stick.  I have a few great friends, not a bunch of shallow friends.  I can't just go out and get those.  If I were to move, at least I could lie to myself that that is the reason why I have to start all over again.  And that is the basis of my wanting to move.  The deep root of it.  Because I don't want to face the fact that the people I view as family view me as a friend and that those friendships are fluid...and unlike family.....can go away.
Wow.  I've had a rough weekend.  I hope that you're doing well.  That your heart is full of hope.  I still have hope.  Because at least I can breathe.  At least I am out from under him....figuratively and literally.;)  Sorry, couldn't help it. hahahhaha.
Thanks for listening.  For walking with me.  I don't know your names.  That's ok.  I hope that in my journey, you find solace.  That you hear that it really can be ok.  You are going to be ok.  You are loved.
blessings.