Renewal

Renewal can come in all forms.  I have a sitting room in my bedroom.  I can sit in a chair and watch the son go down.  I have a sofa to lounge on instead of spending so much time in bed.  I am working on learning to like being in my house.  In my room.  I am being renewed.  From the inside.  It is taking time.  A lot of mistakes.  A lot of missteps.  I don't know how to do it all.  But there is the One who does it.  Who walks with me as all of the stuff processes.  I falter when thrown back into those old emotions....I am damaged.  Wounded.  He did things to me  that lowered my self esteem.  Things that I push back and tend to forget.  And to some degree, when forgiving, that is appropriate.  But to another degree, I have to take those things out and look at them every once in awhile and remember why I made this choice.  Because nobody else understands.  Nor sees.  They get that charming guy.  The fact that he can't connect or give without making a deal....that his stinginess was so deep that it was as if I was losing my mind.  He would constantly let me know how he was the one that was responsible.  He hurt me a lot in how he dealt with our kids....how they wouldn't go to him to ask him for stuff.  They knew that they needed to ask me. 
Renewal.  It comes only with looking at the hard, hurtful things truthfully and letting them go.  But, those residual feelings, those responses, they are well trained.  They are.....responses...unthought out.  They just come.  The fear.  The pain.  The shock.  The confusion.  The whole shebang.
But not forever.  Peace will win.  Joy will win.  They are gifts.  And I will continue to choose to open them.
blessings.