Every single time I think that I've given up as much as I can give up. That I've made it partly to the other side...I get sideswiped. I didn't cry this morning. Not even as I wrote. That is huge progress. But now I have.
Have to continually let go. Actively. Purposefully. And hold on? How is that. I don't know. But I know that it's true. There are some people that I want in my life but that I won't have them for my needs really. I mean....kind of, but not really. I will have them because I know them. Care about them. Appreciate them. But I have to let go of the idea that they will be able to be what they once were. Or..maybe they weren't. I don't really know. I just know that it's like constantly I am pushed to the place of knowing that I shouldn't count on anything. That it's too much to ask. So, these tears, I don't knwo what to do with them. They are profuse. But, again, I come to that place of mourning.....knowing that I still have joy. Deep joy. That there is peace. The circumstances are not easy. But they are just circumstances. I can't fix them. I can't help that my heart is broken and in need. But I can choose joy and I can choose not to let it kill me when others have to walk their own journey.
It's a tough thing to learn about doing for others and having to do for yourself and letting others do for you. It's all Biblical. Giving and receiving. It's all hard. I may have needs that others just don't want to meet. Whether for good or bad. But I don't ever want to be a person that doesn't see and reach for the needs of others. I want to be that woman who sees and cares and shows it. I just have to do it for myself too. Seems like too many people in the world have me first going so well that they have lost sight of how to be kind at work, at home, at church, in the grocery store.
When I was out today, I could count the faces easily that looked peaceful and kind. The others were guarded and distant. How sad. I want to help the world to be a kinder place.
Therein I will find joy in the mourning. Though I lament, I will be comforted by the Comforter.
blessings.
Have to continually let go. Actively. Purposefully. And hold on? How is that. I don't know. But I know that it's true. There are some people that I want in my life but that I won't have them for my needs really. I mean....kind of, but not really. I will have them because I know them. Care about them. Appreciate them. But I have to let go of the idea that they will be able to be what they once were. Or..maybe they weren't. I don't really know. I just know that it's like constantly I am pushed to the place of knowing that I shouldn't count on anything. That it's too much to ask. So, these tears, I don't knwo what to do with them. They are profuse. But, again, I come to that place of mourning.....knowing that I still have joy. Deep joy. That there is peace. The circumstances are not easy. But they are just circumstances. I can't fix them. I can't help that my heart is broken and in need. But I can choose joy and I can choose not to let it kill me when others have to walk their own journey.
It's a tough thing to learn about doing for others and having to do for yourself and letting others do for you. It's all Biblical. Giving and receiving. It's all hard. I may have needs that others just don't want to meet. Whether for good or bad. But I don't ever want to be a person that doesn't see and reach for the needs of others. I want to be that woman who sees and cares and shows it. I just have to do it for myself too. Seems like too many people in the world have me first going so well that they have lost sight of how to be kind at work, at home, at church, in the grocery store.
When I was out today, I could count the faces easily that looked peaceful and kind. The others were guarded and distant. How sad. I want to help the world to be a kinder place.
Therein I will find joy in the mourning. Though I lament, I will be comforted by the Comforter.
blessings.
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