I have to be brave every single day.
Just a little bit ago, my ex-husband basically followed me into my driveway. Waiting to pick up my son. He was supposed to do that at my son's work. But, instead they did it here. Awkward to be on the porch taking my dog out when he pulls in.
My second son asked me to consider going to counselling with his dad. I need to let him know why I can't without making his dad look bad to him. I'm sure his dad would say that he's willing. And perhaps, it seems, already has.....but that's because he is charming. Chatty. Able to do that. But I am not going to subject myself to his lack of basic respect for me. I am not going to worry about what differences we have anymore. And I'm certainly not going to spend agonizing hours trying to talk out what he would never listen to before....when it did matter. It simply doesn't matter anymore. I am finished. All done. Have let go. And am continuing to let go. Toward a place of healing. Even the thought of spending time with him causes regression. This afternoon, hearing that from my son...via a letter....gave me the shakes. Distracted me. Made me tremble.
I won't do it. Even for a son that I love. And I won't make it so that it diminishes his dad in his eyes. Somehow, I have to be truthful but kind. Very kind.
And...on top of all of that, I am figuring out how to send my kids away for Christmas. I got the last two on board tonight. Not an easy thing. But necessary. I've even been emailing with my ex's sister in order to find a place that my one son will stay. She agreed. So...tentatively, we are good to go. Oh, and I have to buy him and airline ticket. He won't drive with his dad.
He won't speak to his dad. I'm not going to go into it here. But I know why. He's told me. So, I have bent over backward to be sure that he goes and has time with his grandpa who is in ill health because I know my son. If anything happened to his grandpa and he didn't go because of his anger with his dad, he would feel so badly. I'm glad he's going.
And yet.....it seems like their dad gets it all so easily. I think about it. But, though he may think that he has "won" something. That he has manipulated in some way. It's simply not true. I have made a decision. In the best interests of my children. Because I love them as I love myself. Because I see them. Because I know. I know what it means for them to belong to a big family. I am glad for them to have that. I am glad to give them the gift. It comes at a great price. One I will never let them know. I will allow them to see my joy for them. I will carry what it means to be a grown up. I will not act as a victim. Period. I am their mom. I get it. I will be strong enough to do this. And brave enough. Because I am
blessings.
Just a little bit ago, my ex-husband basically followed me into my driveway. Waiting to pick up my son. He was supposed to do that at my son's work. But, instead they did it here. Awkward to be on the porch taking my dog out when he pulls in.
My second son asked me to consider going to counselling with his dad. I need to let him know why I can't without making his dad look bad to him. I'm sure his dad would say that he's willing. And perhaps, it seems, already has.....but that's because he is charming. Chatty. Able to do that. But I am not going to subject myself to his lack of basic respect for me. I am not going to worry about what differences we have anymore. And I'm certainly not going to spend agonizing hours trying to talk out what he would never listen to before....when it did matter. It simply doesn't matter anymore. I am finished. All done. Have let go. And am continuing to let go. Toward a place of healing. Even the thought of spending time with him causes regression. This afternoon, hearing that from my son...via a letter....gave me the shakes. Distracted me. Made me tremble.
I won't do it. Even for a son that I love. And I won't make it so that it diminishes his dad in his eyes. Somehow, I have to be truthful but kind. Very kind.
And...on top of all of that, I am figuring out how to send my kids away for Christmas. I got the last two on board tonight. Not an easy thing. But necessary. I've even been emailing with my ex's sister in order to find a place that my one son will stay. She agreed. So...tentatively, we are good to go. Oh, and I have to buy him and airline ticket. He won't drive with his dad.
He won't speak to his dad. I'm not going to go into it here. But I know why. He's told me. So, I have bent over backward to be sure that he goes and has time with his grandpa who is in ill health because I know my son. If anything happened to his grandpa and he didn't go because of his anger with his dad, he would feel so badly. I'm glad he's going.
And yet.....it seems like their dad gets it all so easily. I think about it. But, though he may think that he has "won" something. That he has manipulated in some way. It's simply not true. I have made a decision. In the best interests of my children. Because I love them as I love myself. Because I see them. Because I know. I know what it means for them to belong to a big family. I am glad for them to have that. I am glad to give them the gift. It comes at a great price. One I will never let them know. I will allow them to see my joy for them. I will carry what it means to be a grown up. I will not act as a victim. Period. I am their mom. I get it. I will be strong enough to do this. And brave enough. Because I am
blessings.
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