I am still alive. Still getting up. Still choosing to love my work. Still choosing to get up and interact. I get to choose. Even when it's really hard. NObody can steal from me what is a free gift from God. Only I can keep myself from opening it. Others can cause heartache. They can disappoint. But I can still keep my eyes open and my heart attuned to the goodness of God. And good He is. Hugely good. Even when I can't imagine how life can be ok, He shows me sweet blessings. He whispers comfort. And sometimes, like last night, He just sits with me as I weep and understands my weeping. He understands. That is the part that touches me.
I'm not a person that wants to pay someone to listen to me. If people don't want to hear me, that's ok. Well, not OK, but it's real, it is what is. I can't manufacture a relationship. I can't force there to be something where there isn't something. I can only get up each day and live in a way that doesn't build walls. THAT'S the hard part. I want to retreat to my cave. I feel dumb. I want to go lick my wounds somewhere. But that somewhere would take me further away from what I want and desire in my future life. So, I get up again today. I can't change a thing. I have no control over any of it. All I can control is the kind of person that I choose to be moment by moment in this day. Me. Like Jesus prayed for Himself in the garden. He couldn't control that His friends didn't share His grief or pain...He could only love them and keep being who He was being. Not that I'm even close to being like Him, but I see this ideal that is worthy of pursuit. If the Son of God struggled with these things, then who am I to think that I shouldn't face similar things?
And, I don't have to excuse it. I don't have to make up reasons. I can just accept that it is how it is and forgive. And love. Wholeheartedly. Even if it doesn't feel fair. Even if it doesn't meet my needs. And I can make sure that I don't build up false expectations. I have choices. I choose to be emotionally healthy. I choose to be connected. I choose to overcome my deepest fears. My ex through me for a loop. I always thought that if I practiced the one anothers, if I loved without reserve, if I worked at being open...then....well, therein is the problem. I need to do it without a then in life. The then never came in my marriage. I did those things and he took them and didn't choose to do anything in return. I don't regret doing it. Because I am going to choose who to be. And I am not going to go out and try to choose to be that person who isn't hurt or is super outgoing. I'm just going to be simply me. In my basic form. Unadorned. Those who see me and like me will be here, those who don't, will move on. It WILL hurt. But it will be genuine and sincere. I don't want a game. I don't want to have to convince them.
It will always be hard on me not to have people who initiate reaching out. Who care and check on me just because. It just will be. Because it's how I'm wired. But instead of berating myself, I'm just going to embrace the fact that it's hard and enjoy who I am. I am going to be who I am. I will check on others. I will try not to feel like a fool for being how I am. I will love wholeheartedly and without reserve not for any "then". Just because it feeds my soul to be that person that I really am.
And I will be seen as weird. And I will be misunderstood. And I will be lonely. But I will be true to who God made me and He will use me for His purpose even if I don't really see it or get it. And best of all, though I may not find that others have interest in meeting my needs or being close...I WILL find peace in not having to be some other personality type. I will find rest. For my soul.
I'm getting there. I know it. I have a counselor. It felt too weird to try to explain it. The Counselor came to me many years ago when my whole world had fallen apart. My mother had died. My dad had walked out. My grandparents had moved. My stepmom had told me that I was on my own and to grow up. I know this road. I know how lonely it can feel. I also know how in retrospect, I can see the hand of God clearly leading me and holding me and protecting me. And I am going to rest in knowing that He is doing the same now.
Here I be. Not popular. Not spectacular. But uniquely, perfectly, wondrously, beautifully, fully, me.
blessings.
I'm not a person that wants to pay someone to listen to me. If people don't want to hear me, that's ok. Well, not OK, but it's real, it is what is. I can't manufacture a relationship. I can't force there to be something where there isn't something. I can only get up each day and live in a way that doesn't build walls. THAT'S the hard part. I want to retreat to my cave. I feel dumb. I want to go lick my wounds somewhere. But that somewhere would take me further away from what I want and desire in my future life. So, I get up again today. I can't change a thing. I have no control over any of it. All I can control is the kind of person that I choose to be moment by moment in this day. Me. Like Jesus prayed for Himself in the garden. He couldn't control that His friends didn't share His grief or pain...He could only love them and keep being who He was being. Not that I'm even close to being like Him, but I see this ideal that is worthy of pursuit. If the Son of God struggled with these things, then who am I to think that I shouldn't face similar things?
And, I don't have to excuse it. I don't have to make up reasons. I can just accept that it is how it is and forgive. And love. Wholeheartedly. Even if it doesn't feel fair. Even if it doesn't meet my needs. And I can make sure that I don't build up false expectations. I have choices. I choose to be emotionally healthy. I choose to be connected. I choose to overcome my deepest fears. My ex through me for a loop. I always thought that if I practiced the one anothers, if I loved without reserve, if I worked at being open...then....well, therein is the problem. I need to do it without a then in life. The then never came in my marriage. I did those things and he took them and didn't choose to do anything in return. I don't regret doing it. Because I am going to choose who to be. And I am not going to go out and try to choose to be that person who isn't hurt or is super outgoing. I'm just going to be simply me. In my basic form. Unadorned. Those who see me and like me will be here, those who don't, will move on. It WILL hurt. But it will be genuine and sincere. I don't want a game. I don't want to have to convince them.
It will always be hard on me not to have people who initiate reaching out. Who care and check on me just because. It just will be. Because it's how I'm wired. But instead of berating myself, I'm just going to embrace the fact that it's hard and enjoy who I am. I am going to be who I am. I will check on others. I will try not to feel like a fool for being how I am. I will love wholeheartedly and without reserve not for any "then". Just because it feeds my soul to be that person that I really am.
And I will be seen as weird. And I will be misunderstood. And I will be lonely. But I will be true to who God made me and He will use me for His purpose even if I don't really see it or get it. And best of all, though I may not find that others have interest in meeting my needs or being close...I WILL find peace in not having to be some other personality type. I will find rest. For my soul.
I'm getting there. I know it. I have a counselor. It felt too weird to try to explain it. The Counselor came to me many years ago when my whole world had fallen apart. My mother had died. My dad had walked out. My grandparents had moved. My stepmom had told me that I was on my own and to grow up. I know this road. I know how lonely it can feel. I also know how in retrospect, I can see the hand of God clearly leading me and holding me and protecting me. And I am going to rest in knowing that He is doing the same now.
Here I be. Not popular. Not spectacular. But uniquely, perfectly, wondrously, beautifully, fully, me.
blessings.
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