Have you ever been on a trip where you realize that you not only have gone the wrong way, but that to get where you want to go, you have to go back.....so you can go forward? Road construction. Floods. Blizzards. Earthquakes. Mudslides. Windstorms. Tornadoes. All unanticipated. But, factual. They happen. We don't sit around and worry every time we are going on a trip that we will be thwarted. We simply take it as it comes.
It's like that in life.
This last week, I had a dream. A bad dream. It caught me off guard because it's really the first bad dream I've had since he moved out. At least that I am recalling at the moment. I sleep pretty well. I awaken early, but it's not because of bad stuff....it's just habit and having lots to do. But, right before I went to sleep, I excitedly checked my email just to see if there were any responses to some homes that I am looking at for vacation. But alas, it was an email from him. The ex. My body clenched. My vision swam. I was cold....and it was HOT. That was before I had even opened it. Sad, huh? But, I opened it. Responded. Did what I needed to do. Read a book. Fell asleep. And had a bad dream.
A bad dream about that night from hell. That night when I knew that I don't trust him at all. That he chooses him. I experienced the terror of that night. I was there again. But though it shook me. Though it was hard. It was good to go back. Because it let me see that that is not where I am anymore. But, I did regress some. I was back to wanting to be in my wee little bed where nobody can "surprise" me. It doesn't even make rational sense, but it comforts me. A bed from my grandpa's house. A bed that I slept in and felt safe and secure. Somehow, it helps me.
But, I think that I had to go back so that I can go forward. I had to see that I'm not weak or just needing to hurry up. There were things that harmed me to my very center. And I am allowed to take time to get better. I am needing to be nice to myself about it.
I don't get to talk about it much. I don't guess I want to that much. Because people could really hurt me by not getting it. That's just where I am. But I need to do good self talk. I need to do good praying. :) As if there's bad praying. I need to remember that I didn't travel a short distance, I traveled far and it's work to go back....but I must go back to go forward. Face each fear and pain and claim victory in some manner of speaking. Because I don't intend to stay in the tsuname that had become my world. I intend to get where I am supposed to go via a different route. Yes, it's inconvenient. Yes, it's taking time. Yes, I get weary. But, I also get excited. Nothing like the adventures of a road trip to remember how amazing God is.
So, I was dragged back by a dream. Smacked hard. But, I am willingly and intentionally changing course. And along the way, I will pass the monsters that plagued me. But the victory is sure. My Father goes before me. He doesn't lift me out of life. But He offers strength and hope and peace. I'm taking Him up on those. And I am heading onward.
By going back....to go forward a different way.
blessings.
It's like that in life.
This last week, I had a dream. A bad dream. It caught me off guard because it's really the first bad dream I've had since he moved out. At least that I am recalling at the moment. I sleep pretty well. I awaken early, but it's not because of bad stuff....it's just habit and having lots to do. But, right before I went to sleep, I excitedly checked my email just to see if there were any responses to some homes that I am looking at for vacation. But alas, it was an email from him. The ex. My body clenched. My vision swam. I was cold....and it was HOT. That was before I had even opened it. Sad, huh? But, I opened it. Responded. Did what I needed to do. Read a book. Fell asleep. And had a bad dream.
A bad dream about that night from hell. That night when I knew that I don't trust him at all. That he chooses him. I experienced the terror of that night. I was there again. But though it shook me. Though it was hard. It was good to go back. Because it let me see that that is not where I am anymore. But, I did regress some. I was back to wanting to be in my wee little bed where nobody can "surprise" me. It doesn't even make rational sense, but it comforts me. A bed from my grandpa's house. A bed that I slept in and felt safe and secure. Somehow, it helps me.
But, I think that I had to go back so that I can go forward. I had to see that I'm not weak or just needing to hurry up. There were things that harmed me to my very center. And I am allowed to take time to get better. I am needing to be nice to myself about it.
I don't get to talk about it much. I don't guess I want to that much. Because people could really hurt me by not getting it. That's just where I am. But I need to do good self talk. I need to do good praying. :) As if there's bad praying. I need to remember that I didn't travel a short distance, I traveled far and it's work to go back....but I must go back to go forward. Face each fear and pain and claim victory in some manner of speaking. Because I don't intend to stay in the tsuname that had become my world. I intend to get where I am supposed to go via a different route. Yes, it's inconvenient. Yes, it's taking time. Yes, I get weary. But, I also get excited. Nothing like the adventures of a road trip to remember how amazing God is.
So, I was dragged back by a dream. Smacked hard. But, I am willingly and intentionally changing course. And along the way, I will pass the monsters that plagued me. But the victory is sure. My Father goes before me. He doesn't lift me out of life. But He offers strength and hope and peace. I'm taking Him up on those. And I am heading onward.
By going back....to go forward a different way.
blessings.
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