it has been years since i've known that there would be a person that would hold me. comfort me. hug me....for my comfort, not for some kind of gain. i used to have so many friends. so many guy and girl friends. now, it's always awkward to have a sense that i just need a hug. today i am needy. my heart aches. i received a note in the mail from someone at church that is a man who has been a friend, but is now my exes men's group member. and it's ssooo hard. he's praying for me. trusting that god knows my heart and mind. guess that means he doesn't get it. guess that also is a reminder to me that he has heard the exes versions. the ex who is quite the victim. guess that is why i always had to comfort him. take care of him. deal with his stuff and needs.
and here i am. alone. at night. well, not all alone, i've got my doggies here in my bedroom. but i have an aching heart. i guess it's hard for me to do all of the work stuff of parenting and always have him get to do the playing. the thing is that i've always been the parent and he would jump in to critique or to take part when he had time. i'm not sad not to have him. i'm sad not to have had what i should have had in a partner.
and he didn't give me the check for the beginning of the month. maybe it'll be in the mail. maybe not. don't know. and he hasn't changed his phone. nor his mail. nor his insurance. and he refuses to address the issues. expects me to address the issue for him. the thing is that i am so done with fighting. i don't intend to keep on living in that battle. he likes to be passive aggressive. likes to appear the victim. "oh, she cancelled my phone after i pay her that money so regularly."
and now he gets to take the kids and be the victim in front of his family. single father and all that. my ass. he doesn't father. not at all.
but how to get through the part where i just need a hug. where i feel like i need someone to hold on and hold tight. not sure. struggling with that. i'm sure that it will get better.
tonight, i probably have just needed to cry. or get mad. maybe vent. because this hurts. he hurts me. over and over. and then he acts needy and wants me to make it better for him. and i struggle not to. i'm nice. i want to be nice. but he uses me. and that's not ok.
my heavenly father holds me...i know this. and sometimes i feel guilty that i want arms of flesh to hang on tight. maybe it's missing having family. i think so.
and sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever hug me tight again. guess it is what it is.
blessings.
and here i am. alone. at night. well, not all alone, i've got my doggies here in my bedroom. but i have an aching heart. i guess it's hard for me to do all of the work stuff of parenting and always have him get to do the playing. the thing is that i've always been the parent and he would jump in to critique or to take part when he had time. i'm not sad not to have him. i'm sad not to have had what i should have had in a partner.
and he didn't give me the check for the beginning of the month. maybe it'll be in the mail. maybe not. don't know. and he hasn't changed his phone. nor his mail. nor his insurance. and he refuses to address the issues. expects me to address the issue for him. the thing is that i am so done with fighting. i don't intend to keep on living in that battle. he likes to be passive aggressive. likes to appear the victim. "oh, she cancelled my phone after i pay her that money so regularly."
and now he gets to take the kids and be the victim in front of his family. single father and all that. my ass. he doesn't father. not at all.
but how to get through the part where i just need a hug. where i feel like i need someone to hold on and hold tight. not sure. struggling with that. i'm sure that it will get better.
tonight, i probably have just needed to cry. or get mad. maybe vent. because this hurts. he hurts me. over and over. and then he acts needy and wants me to make it better for him. and i struggle not to. i'm nice. i want to be nice. but he uses me. and that's not ok.
my heavenly father holds me...i know this. and sometimes i feel guilty that i want arms of flesh to hang on tight. maybe it's missing having family. i think so.
and sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever hug me tight again. guess it is what it is.
blessings.
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