there was this time in my life that i went through...it was brief, but i remember every feeling associated with it. it was when i transferred colleges and i had the "adjustment" period. i was an outsider looking in. i wasn't included. i didn't have a group. i didn't have family around....it was 1000 miles from home. i didn't have a church home. i didn't fit in because it was a southern belle school...and i am NO southern belle. i didn't drive a beemer nor a mercedes. and, i actually wanted to be there and my parents hadn't forced me. i was an oddity. different. and strangely unseen. nobody reached out. nobody invited me to church. nobody looked out for me. but i made it. i did well in school. i made great friends. i became involved in things that grew me into a well rounded young woman.
and for the first time in many, many years, i feel that sensation again. unseen. i feel like i have people around me but that somehow there's a disconnect. i feel like i can say what i need or want, but i don't get through. like talking under water. and so, it's easier at this point not to say. because it hurts to not be seen. not be heard. and i'm again trying to just make a new life. not to put expectations on others. i don't get how it is that i am simply that way. that i become invisible. but what i know is that all i can do is live my life. i will not become the needy beggar. i don't want to be her. and i won't become the cynical one. i will be open. i will allow hurt. but i will move on. i will find who and how i am supposed to live.
it doesn't mean that i don't have wishes. it doesn't mean that i don't feel it deeply that even in this time, nobody gets it. life just goes on same ole some ole. there are those pesky tears again. how is it that i have made so little impact in the lives of those around me that they don't know or see? i don't know. i'm guessing that it's just because i've been so invisible for so long.
i'll just live through it. that works. i've done it before.
pray for me. that i will be strong. kind. joyous. peaceful. and patient.
blessings.
and for the first time in many, many years, i feel that sensation again. unseen. i feel like i have people around me but that somehow there's a disconnect. i feel like i can say what i need or want, but i don't get through. like talking under water. and so, it's easier at this point not to say. because it hurts to not be seen. not be heard. and i'm again trying to just make a new life. not to put expectations on others. i don't get how it is that i am simply that way. that i become invisible. but what i know is that all i can do is live my life. i will not become the needy beggar. i don't want to be her. and i won't become the cynical one. i will be open. i will allow hurt. but i will move on. i will find who and how i am supposed to live.
it doesn't mean that i don't have wishes. it doesn't mean that i don't feel it deeply that even in this time, nobody gets it. life just goes on same ole some ole. there are those pesky tears again. how is it that i have made so little impact in the lives of those around me that they don't know or see? i don't know. i'm guessing that it's just because i've been so invisible for so long.
i'll just live through it. that works. i've done it before.
pray for me. that i will be strong. kind. joyous. peaceful. and patient.
blessings.
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