kids out of town. one here, but housesitting for someone. and working. one friend out of town. another with family plans. and here i am. it's not yet 8pm....and i'm in my jammies. not unhappy about it either. it's an ok place to be.
i got the first of the month check early from my ex. he included an extra $300 to pay his $190 towards running shoes and the rest was for "bills". great. sounds so nice, right? but i've paid his cell phone AND car insurance on two cars for three months. um. not enough. and the thing is...he's still not doing anything about it. he says, "i'll give you some money." he doesn't address what i ask him to do. i ask him to change his mail. he asks me to deliver his mail to him. he simply won't do things. he maintains a sense of control. because he knows something about me......that i'm patient. that i'm kind. that i let him walk all over me. yikes. how do i stop???? it's so hard. but it's on me to do.
i'm having a hard time with those little logistics. seemingly small. but very irritating. very troubling.
so...a night alone. kinda tired. didn't sleep well. have my daughter's dog snuggling with me in my very tiny bed. not so comfy. ;) but, comforting, i think.
i am learning to be with me. to be still to not worry but simply do things one at a time.
someone asked me recently if i will move when the kids are out of school. i don't know. but there is a likelihood, i think. guess we'll see where i am business wise and career wise. see what the house market is like. i think that at some point i owe it to myself to follow some of my dreams. to write. to live by the ocean. to choose.
someday. but today...i'm just enjoying the now. this quiet. though it's hard too. learning again that i don't have family to call me nor to visit. that my future life could be very much like this. my kids will be busy. i have to learn to sit in this place. to be ok in it.
and....i think that i will be.
blessings.
i got the first of the month check early from my ex. he included an extra $300 to pay his $190 towards running shoes and the rest was for "bills". great. sounds so nice, right? but i've paid his cell phone AND car insurance on two cars for three months. um. not enough. and the thing is...he's still not doing anything about it. he says, "i'll give you some money." he doesn't address what i ask him to do. i ask him to change his mail. he asks me to deliver his mail to him. he simply won't do things. he maintains a sense of control. because he knows something about me......that i'm patient. that i'm kind. that i let him walk all over me. yikes. how do i stop???? it's so hard. but it's on me to do.
i'm having a hard time with those little logistics. seemingly small. but very irritating. very troubling.
so...a night alone. kinda tired. didn't sleep well. have my daughter's dog snuggling with me in my very tiny bed. not so comfy. ;) but, comforting, i think.
i am learning to be with me. to be still to not worry but simply do things one at a time.
someone asked me recently if i will move when the kids are out of school. i don't know. but there is a likelihood, i think. guess we'll see where i am business wise and career wise. see what the house market is like. i think that at some point i owe it to myself to follow some of my dreams. to write. to live by the ocean. to choose.
someday. but today...i'm just enjoying the now. this quiet. though it's hard too. learning again that i don't have family to call me nor to visit. that my future life could be very much like this. my kids will be busy. i have to learn to sit in this place. to be ok in it.
and....i think that i will be.
blessings.
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