hope

i am full of hope.  each and every day.  it amazes me.  it beats with my heart...actually, i think that my heart beats to it.  and though my health is worrisome, though there are too many things i have left to do, i am hopeful.  i'm looking for my place in southern italy.  my place in the pacific northwest.  i dream.  i plan.  i. hope.  inexplicably.  against odds.  i hope.  always.
it is a blessed gift.  god is real.  he is the instiller of hope.  breath by breath.
and i inhale it.  deeply.  letting it fill my cells.
goodness.
beauty.
excellence.
hope.
yes.
i say yes to hope.
blessings.

recovery

i am having trouble getting back on my feet again.  my hospital stay was amazingly costly and not beneficial at all.  i went on antibiotics and feel better,, but at the end of the ten days, i'm still not even close to "well".  i'm trying so hard, but i am totally worn out.  knocked on my butt worn out.  i fake it pretty good.  i can be polite.  but, today, i felt ill about the thought of going back to school...and i like my job!  i just don't know how i'm going to keep going five days in a row.  really.  and i am determined.  i actually looked for easier jobs today and was applying.
the hospital stay is still hurting me.  a lot.  my veins feel....sore.  My arm hurts where I had the catheterization.  i am totally exhausted.  rest doesn't fix it...though it helps.
recovery is taking time.  and i feel like i'm on a time clock...which is stressful.
but instead, i'm going to breathe and rest i'm going to take the time i have and be thankful that i have it.  i don't have anywhere to complain.  i am just trying to remain upbeat.  trying to be my get'er done self.  and usually, even with the pain and tiredness i have faced over the years, i have been able to pull it off.  right now?  i'm walking on the precipice and hoping not to fall off.
pray for me.
blessings.

content with what is real

i have learned so much.  learned to let go.  learned to be present.  learned to enjoy what actually IS...not what i wish was.
learned.
but there are those quiet moments when grief is necessary.  the fact that there are always going to be those people in our lives that we value more.  those that like us ok, but don't hear our hearts.  or those who push away in seasons.  it happens.  it's life.
and there are choices to make at that point.  i have chosen.  i choose to be content.  i choose to be happy.  i choose joy.  i choose.  but, i also choose to be real with myself.  i choose to allow myself to grieve the loss.  to admit that it IS loss.  to be honest with myself.  and to know that there's not something wrong with me when others don't choose me...or seek me....it's ok.  i am enough.  as i am.  how i am.  what i am.  in no way perfect.  just me.  and me alone is still ok.
i miss having my friends that were family.  sometimes it aches.  but that's how it is.  and it's ok to go on and be happy still.  it's ok to wonder.  truly ok.
and i am peaceful.  full of joy.  hopeful.
i am content with what is real.
what is real is worth facing.
because there is beauty in life.  in the glorious mess of life, there is the best of all beauty.
blessings.

a pic is worth a thousand words

in the last few days, my ex posted his pic with his girlfriend.  yesterday he posted an explanation about the "cute blond" with him.  and suddenly it all fell into place.  i realized that sense that he was never happy with me.  and wishing to do anything so that he would be happy because i loved him.  and he is.  and somehow, though he left a lot unfinished with this family, it's ok.  and, i always knew in my heart that if i was gone that it wouldn't take him long to find someone else.  

so, seeing the pic was a good thing.  a gift.

god is good.  all of the time.

blessings.

church

went into church on sunday to get my kids.  saw people who used to be nice to me.  it was hard with one.  someone i respect.  he was curt with me in my reaching out.  pushed by me.  when i put my hand on his arm to say hello, he barely stopped.  enough to be civil.  his wife enveloped me in a hug though.  sometimes i don't understand the "fairness".  but i wasn't crushed this time.  i was resigned.  i was able to see how i just need to be authentic and let things be.
and as i sit here in the hospital, i wonder, what is the church?  who is the church?  am i still part of the church.  i think so.  i know so.  but it can be pretty tough sometimes to find your place in the family.
i hope that whoever is part of my church is praying for me today.  really do.  but not so sure.  i am stressed.  and yet, i am also at peace.  so weird.  my stress comes from empathy for my family.  i hurt that they worry.  i don't want them to have to feel this.  but whatever happens ever in our lives, my father has them.  he's got it.  period.
lessons from the bed are many.
blessings.

long night

i annoyed a cardiologist today by asking questions.  asking to forego a procedure until we knew if i had something else wrong....you know, since i didn't think i was a cardiac patient until a few days ago.  hard to wrap my mind around.  i don't understand.  even though i've had heaviness in my chest and shortness of breath, it doesn't feel like i should be my heart.
but, tomorrow, i've said that i'd do the test.  it's scary.  i am alone.  doctors won't tell me what to do.  no friends around.  kids can't tell me what to do.  i have to decide.  it does scare me, but being here means i should get information.  i should know as much as possible.  my stomach was biopsied.  my blood pressure is crazy low.
my antibiotics helped me feel overall better.  but still...
it's time to do it most likely.
my prayer has been for wisdom.  hard to just pray alone.  but, it is what it is.  god sees.  god hears.  my family knows i love them fully.  my friends too.
now, if i could just find the hair band that i brought with me to the hospital....
blessings.

through the tears

sometimes my greatest visions have come through the tears.  my tears.  others' tears.  sometimes it takes tears to act as a magnifying glass of the painful things....and the happy things as well.

here i sit.  second bout in the hospital.  sat here with a friend for awhile  it was nice.  she is calm and easy.  sat here a long while just me.  i wished i'd asked my friend to sit on my bed with me.  i need connection.  need comfort.  it's really hard for me to ask for.  but i've been trying to ask for what i need

through the tears, grief spills out.  through the tears, happiness is baptized.  tears are real. they communicate.

i lost it today.  sobbing trying to talk.  trying to be heard.  my tears unlocked a sense of taking care.  my tears boiled over unchecked.  i apologized, i tried to hold it back, tried to stop the current.  but, i could not.  not while living truthfully.

sometimes tears get us to absolute truth.  that moment when everything else is stripped away

through the tears.
jesus wept.
he knew.
he knows.
he's here.
and he sent a friend to remind me.
blessings.

little things

today i heard the words, "you're a bad influence".....granted, i had just said shitty.  it was in context.  it was about my day.  and, seeing as how i'm in a hospital and stressed and sad and whatever....but, later i heard my response, "you'll have to find some better friends."  and i realize that it feels like most of my friends already have and that just maybe it's because of how i am.  maybe saying shitty or having my glass of wine is offensive.  it was an aha moment.  not a great one, but a necessary one.  what to do?  well, i will probably keep saying shitty.  sometimes. i don't curse in every sentence.  or in every conversation.  or even every day.  but, i do curse.  sometimes.  maybe i won't always, but for now, i do.
and if little things push people away from the bigness of the whole of who i am, then i just have to let go.  i spent too long...too damn long.....living under the false piety.  under the realm of how things appear.  i guess i don't appear so savory anymore.
but i'm ok.
it's hours later.  head is killing me.  chest hurts.  i just am bad at telling/calling people in.
i just want to go home.
ok.done whining.  but i wish someone could explain for me.  then i could quit feeling stupid.

keeping short accounts

i am getting older.
and, i am more firmly convinced than ever that i want to keep short accounts of wrongs done or words that need to be said.
i need to say what matters. i need to do it for no other reason than the fact that i never know if i'll get another chance.  i remind myself often.  i would rather err on the side of too much and have something happen to me knowing that my heart towards others was known.  i want the ones i love to understand the depth and solidness of the love.  i want them to know how much and how freely god loves them.  no when or if...he loves them...now...forever.
i want to ask questions.  to see people.
i want to say when i've messed up.
i want to do acts of kindness.
i want to be generous.
and the thing is that i don't want to do it to get anything out of it. well, i want the peace of mind that if the interaction is our last interaction then it was meaningful.  i want the sense of calm that comes to me from expressing someone's value.
people are not valued often enough.  and even when they are, they sometimes don't realize it because it is not expressed.
those that we are closest to seem to get the remnants...the dregs.  not just our family, but our friends.  i want to remember that it matters to give a good and kind word.  i want to show in my life that the ones i know and who are in my circle of influence are truly valued.
and if i die, i want the memory to be that i took the time to say that i cared.  may people say and show that they care while there is still time.
blessings.

crushed but not done

today, my hopes were crushed.  oh, nothing huge.  life is not over.  however....somehow...it was very big for my heart.  i was in need.  i needed not to be a mama.  not to be a teacher.  just for awhile, i needed to be just me.  i needed to have real conversation.  i needed to hear real stuff.  hopes.  dreams.  what's going on.  not work.  not even kids.  just....life.  and i gave it my best shot.  but somehow i missed it.  i reached out.  i tried to ask things that were conversation starting.  but, there wasn't time.  there wasn't reciprocation.  it was like i was trying to force something when it used to be so easy.  and it hurt me.  not in a crying boo hoo poor me kind of way....in a tender spot in my soul.
suddenly, i realized how alone i am.
i single parent.
i am there for coworkers.
i am there for friends.
i am there for my older kids.
i am there.
but i am not seen.
i am truly
alone.
i mean, i have people who tell me to have a nice weekend.  i have people who let me know what they need or help to pick up my daughter.  but as far as any depth.  i don't have anyone who checks on my heart.
i'm learning to take care of it.  i'm learning to love my heart.
to be kind to my heart.
but something in me felt squashed today.  like i had hoped....but it ended up feeling more like assuming.  like i assumed that there would be connection.  i assumed that there would be time.
and there wasn't.
at first i was hard on myself, "what is it about me?  what have i done or not done?  why am i on the outside?"  but then it was ok.  i know that i can only be me where i am. how i am.  i can't fix it all.  i can't be what everyone wants
and it hurts
because i wish.
and i
by nature
keep hoping.
and i keep missing
and i keep thinking that i must be wrong
that surely i haven't fallen away from the view of those who once cared so much.
just how it is.
and it's not that i don't feel loved.
it's not that i feel wronged.
i just feel
unnecessary
to people who used to be my friends.
i don't feel unliked
i feel
fine
but nothing spectacular
i don't feel special or treasured
and that is the root of it.
because i believed that i was.
i believed that i had the best friends ever.
i believed that they would always seek me out.
that they would be a part of my life always.
and they are a part
just differently.
so, i'll just keep loving
and learning
and living
and i will keep hoping
though i will try to get better at not assuming
they don't deserve that
they don't deserve to feel like i have expectations
because i love them
period
how it was
how it is
so
i felt crushed
oh well
i'm not done.
blessings

on being loved

i am loved.  not always first.   not always how i wish.  or dream.  not always as family.  yet, still, loved.  and sometimes it catches me off guard.  takes my words away.  gets my tear ducts moving.  loved.  cared about.  seen.
someone tonight reached out with empathy and kindness about me being feverish and sick.  so very kind.  brought me to tears.  i'm not used to it.
and for thanksgiving, when i thought that my son and i were going to be flying solo, an invite came.  not the first choice.  asked because plans fell through.  but, asked.  and i was nearly unable to respond.  how it could be that i am so blessed.  and i have changed so much.  it's ok that i'm not always chosen.  it's ok if i come later on the list.  it's ok.   i am still loved.
and at work, there are a few that i know genuinely care.  deeply.  not just the professional relationships, but some that see me.  get me.  reach out.  and it is profoundly wonderful.
being loved is soothing. calming.  being loved nurtures my soul.  it comes when i least expect it.
i am at ease with love these days.  i am affectionate and kind.  i give gentleness to others.  i reach out.  i do it without assuming that i'll get anything in return.  and, often, i do not.  that's ok.  i am whole.  i am complete.  god is the other piece.  i am just made more filled by others.  more rounded out.  and i love that.
i wrote to the aunt that doesn't write me.  just well wishes.
didn't get much in return, but it was who i am to reach out.  so, i did.
life is beautiful.  it's short.  i love reaching out.
now, i'm a sick puppy.  need to sleep.
blessings.

home

i got a sub.  went to school and got everything ready.  back home wondering what to do with my sweet dog.  she's not well.  she's lethargic.  she ate last night, but won't today.


so, heard from a friend who has dogs that sometimes they act like this because they are simply constipated.  lucky me.  i got to put a suppository up her rear.  wow.  that was a new experience.  truly.  wrapped that puppy in a blanket burrito with her rump out and did it. i think i've caused her to have trust issues since i got her to come out of her crate by being so nice and kind.  hmmm.  well, we'll have to address that issue later.
now, i have a timer set so that i can take her outside soon.  if it's going to work, it would be nice if it worked OUTSIDE.
i am content to be home where i can decide what needs to be done.
she went on a long walk.  she doesn't limp.  she's not her peppy self, but she trots along at a decent pace.  no running at high speeds which is her norm, but hey, that's ok.
my ex has been engaging me via email.  i succumbed and wrote more than i should have.  i explained why it is so difficult when he is late with his payments.  but, he just doesn't get it.  so, i need to remember that i don't have to be understood anymore and that i just need to state what i need simply and clearly.
he didn't answer my question about whether he's going to get married.  guess it's none of my business.  he did say that quite awhile ago,the pastor had suggested that he ask me what i thought.  so, i returned the question with "what would you have done if i disagreed?"  he said he would have listened to me but that he didn't know what he would have done.  hmmm.   if he is really serious about someone else, he should know exactly what he would do...which is to calmly and kindly tell me that he's in love with someone else.  you can't hedge your bets in relationships.  you can't sit on the fence.  if that's the case, you're not ready yet...and that's not fair to a new person.  but, i didn't say that to him.  it's not my place.  i think that he only asked me because he was told to.  sooooo.....i'll live with that just fine.
i don't mind him dating.  don't mind who he chooses.  however, what he did feels like he was ashamed or something.  it bothers me that he talks about how he had to talk to the kids, but he left out the kid that he needs to build a relationship with.  ah, yet another thing not in my area to influence.
so, i pray.
for my dog.
for my kids.
for the grace to deal with an ex that still simply doesn't get anything about me.  i think that is the only part that hurts.  i gave over 20 years to someone to whom i am invisible for who i am and only seen for what i can be for or give to him.  that makes my heart ache.  so, i pray.  and i walk on.
blessings.

This Day

Wow.  I am so tired.  So beat.  Ex didn't send check again.  Then, when I wrote, it opened a can of worms.  Our old pastor suggested quite awhile ago that my ex should ask me about dating and moving on.  So, eventually, he did.....
About the money....he doesn't know why it hasn't arrived yet.
Daughter was sick today.  She was at school and I was stressed.  Wanted to go get her.
Dog is sick.  Don't have hundreds of dollars for a vet.
School is nutso crazy.
And I am exhausted.
Totally exhausted.
It's the emotional stuff.
So, no tests graded again tonight.  No grades done at all.
So tired.
So ready for bed.
So....on that note, I think I'll go meet my need,
good night.
and blessings.

Dear Ex

Dear Ex,
You wrote and asked me if it's ok for you to go to the next level in your dating.  You referred to my having given you "permission" to date when we were yet just separated.  You said that you had waited months to do so.    Wow, it strikes me now that you waited months when I waited for decades for you to decide that I was worth cherishing.  I waiting for years for you to find value in who I am.  I waited for hours night after night for you to come home after you were off of work.  Hours.  With kids.  Day after day.  And the years before that, in the night, I would lie awake wondering why you weren't home yet.  Afraid that you had come to harm.  Until many years had gone by and then, guiltily, I would wonder if it wouldn't just be easier if you  didn't come home. Divorce wasn't an option.  I lived a life of severe unhappiness.  I lived with someone that I longed to share life with but then found that you "commitment" to me didn't involve any value on my part.  I wasn't held in esteem.  I was treated as if you were ashamed of me.  As, indeed you were.
Now, you want my blessing to move on.  You moved on years ago.  You abandoned me when our children were small.  You lived your own life with your own activities.  You met your obligations but refused to connect with your children and I in an emotional way.  You showed us off.  You took pride in what we accomplished.  You tssked when we failed.  But you did not claim us in your heart of hearts.  Even when you left for good, you did not make room in your life for your children.  You did not give them your heart.  Instead, you looked for sympathy and worked to gather people to be on your side.  You did not own your actions with your children with actions even if you did allude to it with words.  You let me carry the brunt of their pain.  You let me carry the responsibility.  You let me help them heal.  You  continued what you began years ago....you lived as you chose without thought of those you said you loved.  You cared for your own wants and needs without getting involved in the mess that is growing up.  You let outsiders think that you had been simply wronged.  You acted as if you didn't know what had happened.  You didn't own your emotional abuse.  Your lack of compassion for those in your family.  You didn't own the fact that you CHOSE to live somewhere that they were not welcome.  Instead, as was the habit of years, you let me bear the blame alone.  And, I have.
I have spent these years apart not looking for a new relationship with someone else, but for a new relationship with myself.  It has taken this very long time for me to feel safe and more confident.  It has taken a lot of introspection and questioning to help me see what I did to contribute to the end of our marriage.  I have had to see which things were sin and which were simply things that I didn't understand yet....and forgive myself for each.  Now, I am learning to live in the world as a child of God without searching for fulfillment elsewhere in the realm of marriage because I know that I really did do the best that I could at the time.  I know that I thought that you would value me and I was devastated when I saw how you would let me take the fall in front of others to save yourself.  Devastated.  Beyond reason.  Crushed.  Because I gave you my whole self.  And you took it.  And then you let me know that it wasn't really very great.  That you hadn't found me beautiful.  That you found my housekeeping, money handling, and personality shameful.  I wasn't the girl from back home that you had thought you would marry.  I had been a novelty, but more like a souvenir than a treasure.  You put me aside once the newness wore off.  Once you were done showing me off and how you had married someone so "different", I became someone you tolerated.  I was reduced to living life being expected to be thankful that you were so committed.  That you were such a decent man that you did not leave.  That you were so good.
A relationship is not meant to be like that.  It is so much more.
So, in this new relationship, with an old girlfriend, are you ready to make her smile every day?  Are you willing to be your own comfort and wants aside and make her feel like she is worth it?  Are your ready to own what went wrong in your past so that you don't carry it into your future?  She deserves it.  With your family, never hang her out to dry.  Stand for her.  Stand beside her.  If need be, stand in front of her.  Value who she is and not just what she offers you.
If you are ready to do that, move on.
But don't move past.  Remember.  And in remembering, love well.  Love when it's not about what's in it for you.
You are self centered.  No, really, you were self centered with me.  Narcissistic.  Self preserving.  With me, life was all about your wants and needs.  And I'm good at doing that.  But I shouldn't have done it.  And you shouldn't have asked it of me.  So, give her better.
And don't do it at my expense.  Just don't.
blessings.  be free. be happy.  and....
i'm sorry that it didn't work, but i'm happy that we aren't faking it anymore. truth is way better than fake.  even when it's painful and ugly.

faith

faith.  it's turning on the porch light and shoveling the walk just in case.  it's believing that anything can happen without being devastated when it doesn't.  god does amazing things and it's easy to be so disappointed when we are let down.  when our expectations and hopes are crushed.  but, hope is very resilient.  it is painful and awkward.  hope unanswered often leads to embarrassment.  but it shouldn't. there is no shame in hoping.  there is no shame in looking forward to what might  never happen.  i have looked forward to a trip to europe for years.  it might or might not happen and that's ok.  the hope itself brings joy.
so, tonight, in the dark, i went outside and shoveled the walk, turned on the porchlight and looked to see if i had the ingredients for hot toddies.  ok.  no lemons.  well....hmmm.  maybe my faith is not huge since i did not run out and buy some!
but i am happily perched on my clean couch with my crazy dogs.
life is good.  being alive is the gift.
blessings

snowy day

well, it has been a nice day.  snowing most of the day.  beautiful.  peaceful.  i'm home alone.  i like being here.  however, tonight, i was realizing that i wish that i had a friend or two to hang out and watch movies, talk, play scrabble, make cookies.....whatever.  but i also had another realization.  i'm not willing nor interested in being with random people.  i don't feel comfortable with everyone.  if i am going to give up my energy...which i have to replenish with my solitude...then, i like it with people who mean something.  i have to give it so much during the week to dozens of people, so in my free time, i can be choosy.  and that's ok.
i'm not sitting around being grumpy or feeling sorry for myself.  i'm just learning what i need.
it's a good thing.  I gave up what i needed when i was married and that nearly pushed me over the edge.  he got his energy from being around people...lots of people.  and i made that happen for him.  i would function by focusing more narrowly on people, cooking, settling in.  but he couldn't give me what i needed.  he wanted me to do all of the things that fed him and couldn't see me as i was as valuable.  i needed to change.  it was painful.
and it's good for me to know.   because i need to know how to be myself in relationships.
i need to be patient and wait to be seen or have someone want my company as i am.  i need to be sought out as i am, not as people want me to be.  it's hard, because i'm really good at being what people need.  now i need to be just as good to me. i'm learning.
it makes me think about my ex and his dating more seriously.  it doesn't make me angry, nor even sad.  it makes me.....uncomfortable for the woman.  if my ex hasn't taken the time to go through this process of how to allow someone to be herself, he will drain the next person as well.  i only hope that they are a good match so that  she will be ok.  because when he's not happy, life is pretty awful.
it's a snowy day.  extremely cold.  high of 15.  and it's ok.   i like it.
now, i'll have thanksgiving to do too.  i think my one son might go visit a friend while the others go to their big brother's with their dad.  i know that it'll be ok.  sometimes though, i wish that things were different.  i wish people saw how my ex destroyed me.  not so that they would hang out and feel sorry for me, but so that i at least feel....understood.  maybe validated.  i want to know that i can forgive without having swept under the rug what he did.  i did that for years.  made him look good.  covered.  and in these times, i feel the same.  but i'm different.  it's not what i intend.  i forgive.  and if others think it's because he didn't do anything or that i was silly, well, i'll just have to live with that.  but, i'll know that someone sees me when they realize what it costs me.....without me having to whine or complain.
i love thanksgiving.  it's a beautiful holiday.  perfect.  and it will be.  even without the big family meal.  i still have the exact same things to be thankful for. and i am.  and i am still smiling.
blessings

i called it

i always knew that my ex would move on to someone else pretty easily.  he's dating.  and he wrote to ask if he could pursue a "serious" relationship.  and i was so bubbly and overflowing with joy it is crazy.  totally crazy.  but i am so glad that he'll go on.  glad that he won't be faking it anymore regarding me.  the woe is me guy was a fraud.  i knew it.  but, i still had to live with everyone feeling sorry for him.  it was grueling.  and this just makes me thrilled.  i'm sad for her in some ways.  my ex didn't take time to figure out what his part was in the breakup.  he said that he took responsibility, but he did not.  that's ok for me.  it's not so great for a new relationship.  nothing like a charming guy moving on.  good for the one he's moving on from.  not so good for the newbie.  but, she's a grownup.  he went to high school with her.  his mama will be so much happier that he is with a texas girl.  maybe she'll even be lutheran.  that would make it all good.
i find it odd that he asked me about dating after he's been going out for a long time.  the kids know it.  it's awkward.  i feel badly for him.  say or don't say, but don't act like you are doing it right away when you've been dating for a long time.  silly.  he's single.  no reason not to date.
maybe someone counseled him to ask me if it was ok.  or to let me know.  probably because he was discussing getting serious with someone new.  fine with me.  totally.  i could have been so thrown, but i wasn't.  i was giddy.  joyful.  happy.
i knew it. always knew it.  that's how he was.  how he is.  nobody is more important than himself.
and frankly, at this point, i'm glad he's moving on.  it's a relief.
blessings.

good mama

i instituted a day of rest for my daughter a few weeks ago.  she can veg. or hang out.  or watch tv.  or whatever.  she just isn't expected to work.  i encouraged her to take sunday and make sure she was prepared with homework and such earlier.  though she has been busy, as the weeks have gone by, she has embraced this opportunity.  she even seeks to have the dishwasher done on saturday, and her laundry.  it's really sweet.  and i'm a good mama because i saw the need for rest in her.  she lies down on the couch after eating on sunday afternoon and after awhile, she is OUT.  i mean truly out...snoring out.  she takes long sunday afternoon naps.  it's so good for her.  kids are too busy.  too connected.  this is a reboot and reset day.  it helps her heart and mind.  her spirit is lighter.
life is busy around her.  busyness is not a spiritual gift.  it might even be a hindrance.  so, i released her from sunday responsibilities.  well, she did hold the ladder for me today while i took leaves out of the gutters, but that's it. :)
we spent years living in an environment where nothing was ever enough.  now, i am having to start from scratch to create what is truly healthy.
working each day a little bit around the house keeps things tidy.  i am teaching my girl.  she's getting it.
she's happy.  i love seeing her happy.
absolutely love it.
i adore her.
blessings.

thankful....just without a holiday

i am most assuredly thankful.  i see blessings and beauty all around.  so very deeply grateful.  however, after some deep thought.  after two phone calls that changed things.  one that said that some people would be doing something else this year and one that my son wanted to plan something with the kids and their dad this year....well, i started thinking.  and i decided to give the holiday to my kids with their dad. my heart just aches too much to try to make it happen.  though i am thankful and though i said that we'd spend some kind of fun day during the week off.  i mean, two sit down same kind meals aren't really necessary to have a good time.
i just feel like i'm always expected to bounce back and make it happen on everyone's terms.  and the thing is that....i don't have to.  my daughter is thrilled with the idea.  one son seemed like it was an inconvenience, but i don't know why since it was what he asked me.  i just didn't comply with working around and making two thanksgiving days happen.
i love my family.  i love my friends.  but, i also love me, and i don't think that my heart should be forced to sit and act like everything is great when in reality, it's just hard.  my traditions of friends for the holiday got shot.  my friends were my family.  i just don't want to figure it in a new way this year.  i'm not mad.  i'm not even too troubled.  i just know that i want a great week off and i don't want to dread it.
yes, i'm thankful.  yes, i know that my life is truly wonderful.  yes, i see good.  no, i don't want to deny this pain and fake it.  maybe next year it will be better.  maybe by next year i will be more accustomed to the loss.  but for this year, i'm not.  and it's ok for me to be where  i am.  i don't have to fake it.
everyone else is asking/telling what they want or need.  now, i need to remember to do the same.
blessings.

learning......still

i had an epiphany this morning.  again.
as my daughter and i were getting ready to go out to breakfast...as i invited the closest thing she has to an aunt in our state....as i fell out of bed and threw on clothes for our new "tradition"....it came to me.  this going out time is not about eating nor spending money nor being out.  it's a time away from routine and distractions to connect with people.  what i love about first getting to know people is how you take time and go to coffee, breakfast or a late night pie. it's all to do with my personality.  ilove the hanging out, the being in homes, the chaos that is life......but i have trouble in the chaos sharing and  seeing and being seen.  i need the time away.  to give my heart.  to reconnect.  that's what is nice with my girl these breakfast days.  we are away.  we aren't rushing.  we aren't drawn to a phone or an ipad or chores.  we are seated.  ordering.  waiting for food.  eating.  people watching.  present.  and it is something i am going to need all of my life with people who want to be in my life.
for others it's weird.  it's different.  for me it's just part of who i am.  i need to be still with people i care about.  i need to give and receive....to connect.
these epiphany's that come are fun.
so many years i spent finding what others needed and even why.  i spent the time trying to do that and be that.  but now, though there still isn't anyone to give me encouragement about growing and becoming myself, i can do it.
this all came in the aftermath of blundering through yet another relational faux pas.  i made an assumption about an upcoming holiday.  made plans.  talked to my kids.  then, i realized that the arrangements that i was thinking of were based on my assumptions of "family"...of past years.  i assumed.  i thought i understood the relationship.  and when i realized my error, i was totally embarrassed.  and stunned.  and aware that somehow, i had managed to allow myself to think "family" when i had no right.  the thing is that i have no right anywhere.  and so, i forget.  i forget that for others blood means more than the years and that i am not a for sure in the forever realm because i'm not family.  i'm in the "maybe" realm.  i'm in the case by case position.  and that has to be ok.  it is what is true.  but it was humiliating.  the feeling of when someone smiles big, waves, walks towards you and you respond enthusiastically.....only to realize that they were looking at the person past you.  oops.
so, my epiphany was good.  even though i realized yet again that extended family of aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters is never going to be for me.  even though i had to realize that while i have given my whole heart to relationships that have been nurtured over many years.  even though thre's nobody that feels the same way.  even though i felt completely dumb.  i am not dumb.  i am just me.  and there are things about me that are strange or different.  and those who want to be with me will be.  and those who don't won't be.  but, either way, i have to be with me every day and i have to be ok with who i am.
and though i ache with a sense of rejection and of the feeling of shame of having to tell my kids that i pretty much failed on that whole extended family thing and that i was dead wrong on how the holidays would go, i still want to be me.
i'm a nice breakfast companion.
i am good at being present.
i am kind.
i give my whole heart and keep on giving.  even when it hurts.   it's weird, but it's true.  you'd think i'd never risk again.  but it's who i am.  i love my few close people.  i'm not popular.  i'm not admired by the masses.  i don't attract dozens. i'm really only good with a few.  it's because i care so deeply and am so introverted that i can't do it with everyone in the world
so, i'm still learning.  and at moments i get frustrated with who i am because who i am means having to grieve not getting to have some of what i long for.
but i've done my best.  i will keep making choices towards those i love.  even if my love for them says family and theirs towards me says something else.  that's reality..  i can't fill a need they don't have.  i can't ask for more than they want to give. and i certainly don't want fake.
so, i'll cry......even sob.  then i'll pull on my big girl panties and keep on going.
i was made who i am.  i have to be her.  i GET to be her.  but sometimes i wish that there was some outside encouragement along the way...
blessings.
be you.  be brave.  be loved.

finding balance

work is busy.  teaching is a unique career in that you could literally work all of the time and have no time for anything else.  really.
but i have decided to make choices.  and not to feel guilty.  if i work until after 6 pm,then there is no scenario where i should have to ALSO go home and work.  even if it's just a "little grading" while watching tv.
it's ok to just be.  to rest.  to relax.  to putter around my house for my own pleasure.
and teachers struggle with this.  there are unending deadlines.  loads of cares.  but we are nothing without rest and relaxation.
so.
finding balance.
it's my choice.
i want to work hard.
and i want to be whole.
so i choose rest and things that help me grow.
now, i also have to write a novel by the end of the month with some of my students.
no problem. right?
ha.
oh well, we are having a good time trying.
blessings.

live

i am loving my busy, crazy, intense, wonderful life.  i laugh and play so very much.  and i am learning to let go of what is not healthy to hang onto.  of what is not really mine anyway.  and it brings peace.  mostly.
sometimes i still have to deal with my ex. and it's not something i relish.  it is uncomfortable.  i am not someone who likes to leave things unresolved.  so.....while divorce is a resolution....the fact is that i have to leave it without being able to understand what caused him to treat me with contempt wrapped in charm and commitment.  i don't get it. and i don't have to.  it's ok to just leave it. to not make it my responsibility to figure out anymore.
i live.  i give.  i laugh.  a lot.  i share.  i wonder.  i think.  i reboot.  but i don't have to get stuck in the past trying to fix what i couldn't in over 20 years.  i can move forward.  i can be present in the here and now not wondering what horrible thing about me made him behave how he did. because i took the blame.  i tried to change.
but now?  now, i enjoy my daughter.  a whole lot.  she is blossoming.  she is living.
now, i allow myself to be me and i get involved in things that work for me.  i encourage others.  i believe big things.  i spur people on.  it has been delicious to get to be me.  it's so easy not to have to appease all of the time.  i love living.  giving the life that was given to me.
and now...off to another day of living.  blessings!

heart

in my heart is so much.  deep love.  deep commitment.  deep giving.  deep loyalty.  so deep.  i enjoy helping others.  it's pleasurable.  it's in there.  and it's alive and well.  and i show it as i blossom these days.  but some people don't see.  don't appreciate.  don't speak kindness.  some people only want things from me.  and i want to give those things.  i stayed in marriage the same way...giving without finding that i had value to him without having to perform.
so, now i struggle.  i try to use my words.  to say how i feel.  but it comes out squeaky and harsh.  not how i mean it.  it's the pain.  trying to get the feelings past the pain.  it's hard.  words for what i mean are almost impossible. not because they can't be said but because they would be a surprise to others.  they are a surprise to others.  it makes them think i'm mad when i'm just confused.  and hurt.  some people in my current life seem to like me even when i am just me...nothing to give.  just myself.  but then, they are just acquaintances.  so i'm in no man's land.
the people that i love, respect and have allowed to see the depths of my heart need me to be what i was.  and i can't.  i just can't.  i want to be a giver.  i like being a giver.  but i also want to be able to express misgivings in a conversation without feeling badly.  to have dialogue.  it's difficult. not impossible though. i have faith that i'll get through it.  that i'll love still.  even when people don't understand.  or see.
in my heart.  in the most true place.  in the reality.  i love.  and i am loved.  even if i am struggling to figure out how to set my boundaries.  to love others and to also love myself.  to express my needs.  i'm pretty lousy at it but i know that i won't give up.  and i don't think that they'll give up either.because though it hurts me more because it feels like how my ex treated me, i know that it's different.  it's how they learned to treat me because it's how i had to be in life with him.
change takes heart.  some say to give up. they tell me if people don't call or invite me then they are done with me.  but maybe not.  maybe it's just growing pains.  i have heart.  i know the One who heals.  and maybe it will all work out.
heart full of hope.
blessings.

be known

a lot is all mixed up, cattywampus, crazy in my life.  yet, in the midst of all of it, i am being defined and redefined.  i am being seen by others in ways that i had forgotten.  so much good and so much grief all wrapped together.
i am known by people for being genuine.  authentic.  real.  vulnerable. myself.  being visible.  in a world of teaching where people hide and compete, i am known for risking.  and it makes me so happy.  i've come so very far.  at great cost.  with many losses and heartaches.  but still, what an amazing thing to see happen.
i am blessed.  daily.  greatly.
i breathe.  until i don't.  and when that day comes, i want to know that i risked and gave and loved and grew....that i lived deeply....and then i'll be able to say goodbye knowing that god used me as he wished.
love.
blessings.

a little down

today i'm not on top of the world.  not that anyone asks.  i'm ok.  just had a rough presentation...pretty much bombed it.  feeling inadequate in some ways.  i'm shaking that off.  not a big deal.  just areas to grow in.  however, the part that is difficult for me is that there's nobody that asks.  that checks  i'm slowly trying to reach out.  not easy for my personality. too tiring to work at in some ways.
it makes me sad and some days i just have to take time out to grieve.  it is what it is.  

junk food and rest

sometimes being gracious to myself means allowing myself to give in to my whims and cravings.  chips and onion dip.  homemade frosting.  homemade chicken and green chili enchiladas.  twizzlers.  it has been a big foodie kinda day.  and movies.  after four hours of cleaning.  though it doesn't look like it.  doors.  blinds.  counters.  floors.  that's ok, i know!
anyway, sometimes rest is also resting from the worries or troubles of what kinds of foods should be eaten.
rest.
learning
to
rest
yep.
blessings.

risk. dancing. living. going out.

i am kind of tired of risk taking.  it is wearing on me.  i love so many but i have this sense of being outside.  i'm not the just talk about stuff on the fly.  i require time.  and somehow i am not drawing people who want to spend any time with me.  being on my own isn't horrible.  i'm happy.  i just have a hard time with rejection.
yet, i do so many things that are out there.  i risk so often.
it's all about the bass has been going around my school.  and i started it...dancing through the halls.  now, we're going to do a parody.  and i smile.  because it's a huge thing for me.
but i'm sitting on the couch alone still.
i don't have friends that want to sit with me. or have a glass of wine.  or play a game.  or go to a movie. not even anyone who calls just to chat.  just don't.  guess that's just how it is.  guess i should stop asking since it makes me look like a total puppy dog hanging on.
just going to keep living happy.  not worried about it.  just....it was pointed out by one of my acquaintances that it happens.  a comforting conversation.  kind.  a little embarrassing...but not much.
so here i am.
i am dancing.  literally.  crazily.  enjoying.
i am laughing.  heartily.  joyfully.
i am living.
i am loving.
i can't help what others see or choose or do.
but i can decide not to force myself into the position that i feel the pain of being overlooked....forgotten....i can just go on without reaching out.
i can.
but i probably won't.  even though it hurts how it is, it's not who i am.
i'll just be true to who i am while still being careful with my heart.
i'll try.

Dancing through....loss

loss comes in all forms. it can be death.
or divorce.
or health.
or moving.
or empty nesting.
it can be the big things.
but the big things everyone else sees.
it's noted.
there's validation.
but the little things.
the things that sneak up.
unexpected.
lately i've had to face loss.
loss of relationships.
loss of people who care.
who invite.
who include.
who choose to be with me.
who value me for me.
loss.
but it's not seen.
there's no funeral.
no doctor's visits.
nothing to note the passing.

yet.
for the first time in a long time
i'm dancing
oh my goodness
laughing out loud
singing and dancing
in the grief
in the goodbyes
i'm not denying the pain
just choosing to see the beauty.
just learning to love the joy
just
living
just
dancing
and it's really fun
blessings.

mothered.

i've been "mothered" lately.  no, not like that.  nobody taking care of me, making me soup, doing my laundry.  no.  not at all.
more like this....
"mmoootthhher." with a sigh sound emitted at the end of the four syllable, drawn out pronunciation.  ha.  yes, dear daughter? hahahahaha.
i annoy my daughter sometimes.  ok, let's be frank...i annoy her often. i enjoy the dramatic sigh.  the little smile.  the knowing look that her mama loves her.  deeply and completely.
yep, i've been mothered and i couldn't be happier.
joyful.
loving life in the time and place.
it's good.
blessings.

teaching

my best teacher professor ever is not 76 years old.  we somewhat reconnected several months ago, but she was in recovery from a fall.  we have connected yet again this week.  she has turned to me for help on computer things.  it's funny because back in the college days, she was the one who told me to get going on computer knowledge.  she encouraged me to write my poems on a hard drive.  she was a catalyst.  now, she is getting up to snuff with facebook and wants to connect and know what to do.  it turns out that i'm pretty good at writing tutorials.
teaching is teaching.  whether it's a child or an adult.  and i love it.  it's fun to see someone fly.
it's really fun in this case since it means getting to know her again.  one of my favorite people ever.
blessings.

me

How I am is a novelty to me.  I used to know, but these days, I am frequently startled by my own discoveries about myself.  lately i've realized that i live a life that demands me to be more outgoing than i am by personality.  so, i absolutely need a lazy day.  i need time to veg. no demands.  no guilt.  just able to stop and be in my head or whatever.
it's not conducive to being easy for others.  i touch the edge of my bubble.  fingers fumble through a bit.  but, i am wary of getting too busy.  too overwhelmed.  i am such an introvert in every way.  i need time to reboot.  rejuvenate.  i need it.  not just want it.  and it's not bad.  it's not rude.  it's just me.
and those who know me do more than allow it.  they get it.
i am me.
and i am learning once again to like me.
blessings.

Used....in a good way

I enjoy my work.  It's hard and consuming.  It's exhausting and not full of a lot of kudos.  Yet, I love what can come from working with kids every day.  It grows me.  But, there's something else about work...there are all of these adults as well.  And this last week, I found that God has a use for me with them too. Three separate times I have been approached about God, religion and faith this week.  THREE.  Amazing.
First person said, "I wish that I could be like you and have faith, but those people in churches are so messed up."  I said, "That's why it's about relationship and not religion."  She was agreeable.  We still simply just enjoy one another and act like we are 40 years younger.  I just want to be her friend.  Not my job to push her, it's my job to be used.
Second person, "I just don't understand this whole religion thing.  People are so mean about it.  Don't know how anyone can be involved."  I said, "That's why it's supposed to be about relationship and not religion.  People cling to religion to have rules and regulations to make them feel like they are accomplishing something and to keep others 'under control'...especially their kids."  She said, "That makes so much more sense."
Third person, "We've been getting to know each other, and  I was wanting to know more about your family tree."  (those of you who have followed this blog know that my family tree is mostly grafts and a huge gnarly mess)  I was on my way out the door.  I gave a less than five minute overview of my past...from birth to now....and all of the mess, unfaithfulness, fear, lies...whatever.  Then I said, "But the thing is that I never walked alone.  God walked through it all."  She said, "That gives me chills, I want to know more when we have more time."  She is a non religious Jew.  I got a follow up email saying that she had really been thinking about our talk and wanted me to know how she already loved me but felt so good that I would be vulnerable with the truth of my life.
A testimony.  A life lived that points to God.  Period.  It's not about some religious thing written out and planned.  It's about seeing God in our past.  It's about seeing His hand, His provision, His protection and putting it into real words with real friends.  It's not a spiel.  It's an answer.
A testimony is a living, breathing life.  It is the life of which we speak.
I have been used.  Oh, how good it is to be used.
blessings.

give me the words

when i feel happy.
full of joy.
above the clouds.
exhilarated.
give me the words.
to share my story.
to give hope.
to be open.

when i am sick.
ever so tired.
nearly unable to go on.
exhausted.
give me the words.
to share my story.
to give hope.
to be open.

when i am peaceful.
light of heart.
calm of soul.
tranquil.
give me the words.
to share my story.
to give hope.
to be open.

when i am lonely.
not just alone
but friendless
isolated.
give me the words.
to share my story
to give hope.
to be open.

and when i am confused
don't have anyone to talk
to anyway
still
give me the words
to share my story
to give hope
to be open.

energy

energy is a limited resource.  not just oil and gas and coal, but MINE.  i have had inhibited energy and strength for several years.  i take care to eat good stuff.....though i am not a fanatic...still love my doughnuts.  but i have to take care and i have to make choices.  i choose people.  i choose teaching.  i choose laughter and trips.  i view my energy as currency.  i have to spend it.  i have to invest it wisely.  there's only so much.
i give time to my work.  and loads of time to my daughter.  i have been blessed to have the boys gone and to have these two years with just her.  she deserves it.  i can tell that it it nice for her.  she gets to be a little spoiled.  to be an "only" child after being the youngest of five.
i spend my week working and taking her places and keeping house.  i have a deal with her where i'll do most of the work, because i realize that she's busy.  really busy.  but she has to keep her bathroom tidy and help keep the kitchen nice.  sometimes she does. :)
i choose to give my energy to the kids at school and my family and friends.  that's pretty much it.  that's all i got.  and that's ok.  when i do those things, i know that it was worth it.
but i'm going to keep fighting health wise.  not giving up.  not quitting.  too much livng to do.
but some days, the tank is dry.  then what? well, i just rest.  and i don't worry.  and i don't criticize myself.  i just......rest.  period.  and that's ok.  it's good.  it's beneficial.  it's healthy.  it's knowing what i need and doing it.
so, i'm in bed and it's not quite nine.  and that's ok too.  i know what i need.
the greatest part is that i don't have to explain it to anyone.  i don't have to make excuses.  i just simply go when i can and stop when i can't.
energy.
it's precious.  it's limited.
it's necessary to choose.  daily.  hour by hour.
i'm proud to be making good choices.
blessings.

aha moments

i have been struggling relationally...as i mentioned in my last post.  my deep sense of loss often leaves me wondering if what i have to offer is something that will touch people...will help them.  after school on friday, i stood in someone's room and we chatted.  we talk so completely freely.  she is never offended by any of my silliness nor naughtiness.  she just cracks up and joins me in having fun.  she's a bit older than i am so i call us the old ladies.
as we talked on friday, she suddenly stopped and said, "i admire how you can be real and still have your faith.  i just can't do it. i despise what organize religion has done."  (jaw drop).
aha.
 then i say, "i'm not so good at religion, but i need the relationship."  and that was the little moment.  very small.   miniscule even. but suddenly i saw god's hand again in my life.  using me.  just as i am.  no pretense.  drawing someone to his love.
so, though in the midst of knowing that divorce and the fact that i supported another divorce and apparently am viewed as a home wrecker by some churched people, i saw something new.  a stream in the desert. a way in the wilderness.  purpose.  useful to god.  for his purpose.  to bring himself glory.  and it's beautiful.  though i'm just me.  nothing religious.  nothing to write home about.
and the parents of my students are the same way.  they lift me by recognizing what i have to give their children.  it's something that brings me hope.
aha.
things are different.  but i am not useless trash.
yet, i still have longings to have real friends.  you know...people who want to sit on the couch with my boring self and watch a sappy or silly movie.  but for now, that's not to be.  so, i must just walk through the time and do my learning.  i must trust.  i must enjoy the aha moments.  and when need be, i must go ahead and weep.  because that's just how it is sometimes.
sometimes the reality of relationship is that it simply hurts and feels like loss.
life is beautiful.
strange and sometimes hard, but brilliantly beautiful.
and i am blessed.
blessings.  you are cared about.  deeply.  and valuable.  just like you are.

hello.

hi.
sometimes i wish that i could capture that smile that i once saw.  that happiness that showed when you were with me.  sometimes, i wish i knew why that has gone away.  how did it go from no matter what to being simply about what is necessary?  where did the silly go?  i wonder how it is that caring doesn't mean enough and that being willing is expected but not appreciated.  when did communication become about what needs to be done and not about dreams or plans or the heart stuff?  often i wonder what i did.  how i messed up.  at least, i used to.  now, i've chosen to let go of that.  i can only be me.  i can only be sorry.  i can only give my heart freely and then let go.  i miss the easiness.  being wanted.  being sought out for........myself.  i miss being seen.
i have learned to be light.  to let go.  but it doesn't mean that there's not a longing.  a wishing.
i read recently that the ones that won't fight for you aren't right for you.  my ex was like that.  but, i don't expect it in my friends.  i don't expect it because my friends have been so amazing.
i kind of know what must have gone wrong.  i had to take the blame.  it was a huge pile of blame.  it came from inside and outside sources and was laid at my feet.  fully and completely.  it took my very breath away.  i had not done anything harmful intentionally.  but i guess i was me.  sticking up for others.  getting involved where i shouldn't.  i apologized.  but, sometimes, apologies can't  really do much.  not something i can fix.  seems like when i get to the point that i think that i'm not completely responsible, i find myself again in that position.  that position of knowing that i'm being blamed...whether justly or unjustly.....and that there are none to stand for me.  and that is a very tender place in my soul.  i am wounded there because of my ex.  the tears well up, but there is not any place to go for comfort.  most of the people i know have been tainted by the words.  then, they got a good follow up dose from my ex.  frankly, my reputation didn't really stand a chance. and truthfully, i don't care much about my reputation.  but i care about what it has done to my relationships.  i care about how it has diminished trust.  i care about the fact that i lost so much and was not stood up for at all.  by anybody.  nope.  some people were nice enough.  still are.  ok.  but, distant.  and for me, for my personality.  for my heart.  that is incredibly painful.  deeply.
and so i keep going.  i have "friends".  i have work people in my life.  i have some connections.  but, i still feel the loss.
i called three friends today.  my daughter and i were inviting to a girls day.  two couldn't.  one was sick and i didn't ask.  but it prompted that sense of loss again.  that sense that somehow nothing will ever again be close.  that i will never again really be a part.  that, while i get to participate to a degree, the taint of the "rumors" and "accusations" follow continually.  sadly, it does't keep me from loving. from wishing.  from hoping.  because, i am a hoper.  always a hoper.  even if it means hurting.  just how i am.  i don't desire to change it.
oh how i miss so many things.
but i'm ok.  still.  i'm learning to live in what is.  i'm learning that others can't help how they feel and that i can't make it better.  i'm learning.  but it doesn't keep me from feeling the pain still.  and i have learned that you can't explain the loss to anyone.  it just serves to widen the gap with discomfort.
so, i keep walking forward.  i keep choosing joy.  i keep loving life and being happy.   but in the midst of it all there remains that sense of longing for something that was lost.  and i guess i just had to write about it.
good night.
blessings.  you are loved.

Changes

my daughter and i have gone through a lot of changes this year.  especially her.  it has taken a lot of growing up and making good choices for her to make it.  but, she is making it.  her good friend is having to change schools.  granted, she made some poor decisions, but some other things also came into play.  it has been hard for my daughter, but she decided to be supportive and kind to her friend by helping her choose the best new fit and encouraging her as she prepares to head to a new high school.  she plans on still reaching out to her and inviting her to youth group activities.  she knows that her friend is looking for "something" and that she need genuine love.  it has been heartbreaking and heartwarming watching my daughter go through this process.  she has seen some really unkind things happen to this girl.  most of them come from a source of another person my daughter knows.  it hurts her.  the pain shows in her face.  however, she has finally seemed to settle on the fact that some things are out of her control.  she can't help the used to be friend that drinks heavily and gripes and complains about people my daughter loves.  can't help that the girl is two faced and lives a double life.  but she can help her other friend survive.  she can be someone who can be counted on to be kind.  i appreciate her courage.  i appreciate her perspective.  it hasn't come easy.  it has come with a sense of loss.  it has been hard earned.  but the change has grown my daughter into a more mature young woman. i am pleased that she is learning to walk through some hard things.  i am pleased that she knows where to turn.  i ache for her.  some of the losses have been gut wrenching.  some of the betrayals are unbelievable.  yet, she stands.  she walks.  she prays. she persists.  she is becoming a woman of virtue.  the one who betrays can't do anything that harms my daughter ultimately, because my daughter refuses to let it.  sometimes she cries.  but, then she gets up and keeps going.  i am a proud mama.

this day

this day was a blessing.  i puttered.  laundry.  daughter's bathroom.  going slowly.  staying in.  today. .  this day.  being present.  being here.  enjoying it.  as just me.  though i had moments where i wished for something, something that would mean that i was remembered...needed....cherished....it wasn't long living.  not depressing. just noting that it's a different phase of life. a phase of life that demands that i learn to live no matter what others are doing or what they think of me.  it demands that i know that i am loved by god and that's enough.
today was good.  it was beautiful even.  aloneness in the midst of a busy world is a blessing to this introvert.
i realized that i'm able to work in the morning because i have to, but that i really do better when given time to get moving.  i like to just hang out and be still in the morning.  then, later, i am ready to accomplish. life in this stage doesn't work like that very often.  but, this weekend, it was lovely.  wonderful.  i have to shake the "lazy" words in my head from when i was married when i am goofing around in the morning and not getting things done.  i am getting something done...i'm resting my mind and heart.  i am being still.  i am recuperating from the constant giving and interacting.  and when i do so, i am ok.i am better.  i can function well.
this day...this weekend....has been lovely.
i missed my daughter.  i missed that i have no family to ring me up and that nobody else really does either.  but, really, i think that i was actually quite pleasantly content.  didn't have to do anything for anybody else.  just chill and rest.  nice.
i hope that you find how you work best and get that sometimes.  i also hope that you have an opportunity to face the alone square on when you wish that you had friends about.  it gives the gift of being truly thankful for time with friends and not simply dependent.  it's pretty amazing.
blessings.

cleaning out

in the last three years, i have cleared out more stuff than ever before.  yet, every time i turn around, there is still too much!  i have been cleaning inwardly and outwardly.  i have been ridding myself of extra stuff that i hold onto "just in case" and putting aside every little memory thing....every little drawing or writing or project from my kids...or me. :)  i look at my house differently these days.  i am going to make it more cohesive.  pull it together in tone and feeling.  as i become more peaceful, it seems to help in my outward world too.  i went through a kitchen cupboard today that i've been through at least four times before....and got rid of even more.  i need boxes, but i don't want to go out today and lose my momentum.  not that i started early.  i slept late.  i lazed with a book.  i had a big breakfast.  it was a good day.
i'm all alone for the first time in a long time.  my daughter is on a retreat for a couple of nights.  it's good for me to face time alone.  i will be completely single in a couple of years.  wow.  but it isn't as terrifying as it once was.  i see my daughter getting ready.  she talks to me so much more than the boys ever did, and i know that when she goes, she'll still need her mama even as she needs her freedom.  so, i keep looking forward.  and i learn to enjoy today.
i began thinking about a bucket list today.  not writing it or anything.  it's funny, there aren't a lot of things on it.  many i've done.  others are travel that will come.  i am content with my life.
it's funny that i'm content.  finances have been hard lately.  not unbearable, just knowing that in a couple of years, while my daughter and son are still in college, i will get no more help at all from my ex.  so, i'm going to settle in and figure it out.  i don't feel worried.  i feel like god already has it under control and i wonder what he will do.  i look forward to it.  fear has been diminished.  when i was married, life was so stressful...though we had more money...but now, it's at ease.  it's full of faith.  more church and less truth when i was with my ex.
cleaning out has prompted me to see how i have painful parts that still need to be healed in my soul.  i used to think that i had to stuff those and let them suffocate.  now i know that god created all parts of me.  he created my heart with dreams and differences from others.  as i have been cleaning out the old, i am finding that those parts are being revived and sometimes it hurts to mourn all of the time that was lost.   yet, it's also exciting to see how those very things are being used in my life and the lives of others to lift up and change hearts.
i love my life.  i love how i can let things go when i need to.  even things that hurt.
i have had to clean out my expectations too.  i don't have many friends anymore.  i go days and days without calls, texts, emails or anything.  when they do come, they are usually just to ask something or make arrangements.  i used to mourn and weep.  now, i stop, feel sad and then go on with the joy that is a permanent part of my life.  i love my life.  it's fabulously blessed.  so, i'll just wait for the next phase and enjoy this one too.  it's peaceful.  doesn't mean that i don't miss deep connections.  i do.  a lot.  i am not a shallow is enough kind of personality.  but i've learned that i spent way too long being both parts of many relationships.  in order to have a true one, it has to be something that another person wants as well.  it's not my job to constantly work.  it's my job to be myself, to care as i do, to give what i have to give, to encourage or say what i feel.....and to let it all go after that.  it's still hard for me.  i have written, texted, called and done things that reach out and pretty much found that it goes into space.  that means that i just let go. strangely, now, that's ok.  my goal is not to get anyone to respond or connect but to simply be my authentic self without apology.  much nicer life.  it happened when i learned that i also needed to learn to love me as well as others.
i am blessed.  cleaning out reminds me to let go of things that don't matter and that i can't control.  it's good.  i am happy.  truly happy.  and i breathe.  breathing is not something that i take forgranted.  it is a beautiful gift.
blessings.

walking

walking with my daughter through life these last months has been a little bit painful.  she is not your typical drama queen.  as a matter of fact, she pretty much just wants everyone to get along.  but she has been carrying some burdens that are hard to handle for a 16 year old.  she has knowledge of events that she wishes she did not.  she sees things that sadden her beyond belief.  and she found herself taken aside by a teacher today and being advised to stay out of the drama.  she didn't know what the teacher was talking about.   she found out later.  firestorm.  she cried.
life has been pretty hard since this summer. yet, over and over, she has just figured out how to cope.  now, she is just saddened.  and so wise.  "it will pass by.  this is why i want to be a counselor."  in the end, she decided that she will let the drama subside and then offer an apology (though she didn't do anything wrong intentionally) with no expectations.  she also knows that there's a friend that she wants to talk to.  she's known the friend a very long time and has been struggling deeply.  she said that she wants to figure it out since they'll know each other all of their lives.  she decided also to talk to her oldest brother this weekend.  she is having to look for a new support group these days....another stressor on her young heart.
god has hold of her.  she's praying it through.  she's owning what she needs to do and what her responsibility is.  but she is still aching.  she wishes that she wasn't carrying such a burden of knowledge.  she talks to her mama which is nice, but still, she feels helpless.
my prayer is that she will learn to let go of what she can't be in charge of and say what she needs to say.  she cried when i told her that she can be kind, she can own what is hers to own, but that she doesn't have to accept being treated badly.  she is allowed to say that it's not ok.  calmly.  lovingly.
wish i'd been half as mature as she is.
so, we walk.  and walk.  and walk.  through life as a young woman/teen.  and i have to say that it's a beautiful thing.  i love her heart.  i marvel at her insight.  she faces the topics of sex, drugs, studying, relationships, being involved in activities, having a job and everything in between with such a sweet honesty.  she is rather weary of a world where so many young people are dabbling in things that are not the best for them.  it weighs heavily.  she doesn't know how to help them.  but, she does pray.  she does see.  she does love.  a lot.
she'll make a great counselor.
as for me, i'm just blessed to get to do this walking with her.
blessings.

that fine line

there's this line between being open and gossip.  now, some people say that more people gossip, but i am finding that more people are simply saying that they aren't gossiping so that they never really talk about anything of substance.  many christians use this as a way to be shallow.
i don't think that is what was intended.  it's pretty obvious in the bible that jesus talked about tough stuff and about people's choices right out in the open.  i think that whole "privacy" thing is simply a cover up for being religious without being meaningful.  no wonder non christians can't relate.  there's nothing to connect to.  without any problems or relational crap, all of us can look pretty sweet, but it's a sham. the sham is destroying the church.  the world needs real. people need to hear how hard life can be and how good god is in the midst of hard truth.
it's a fine line. i get that.  i just don't get why more people aren't laying out their stories.  real stories. seems like it would make the world a kinder place.
blessings.

starving

i have been shocked by how hungry people are.
not for calories.
for words.
for encouragement.
for a good word.
for a perspective that lifts the eyes up.
god is showing me slowly how he intends to use me.
it's fun to see.
it's exciting to just allow it.
no stress.
no fuss.
no anxiety.
just in his time.
with his words.
with his spirit.
with the way he made me.
it's so simple.
it was so hard for so long.
and now, life is so very very different
my gifts are coming out at school.
my heart is healing.
and i sometimes want to run from the hard things.
to not make anyone mad
or uncomfortable.
but
people are also starving for what is true
what is meaningful
and i have decided that i cant be silent
just because people may not like me
but i can be silent for as long as i should
until it's truly time to speak
that i can do
and am learning to do.
a blessing it is.
i feel filled.

oh. my. goodness.

i live in a pretty happy place.
i enjoy my work.
i enjoy my home.
even though it's messy.
i enjoy cooking
and simply having food to cook.
i enjoy being with my daughter for these precious last two years home.
dearly.
sweetly.
and generally, i can find the happy in a moment.
but some things just irk me.
like kids who are completely dishonest or two faced.
irked.
my daughter and i just had a talk because i have been biting my tongue for months.
not saying.
and no, it's not my daughter.
it's someone else.
but it affects my daughter.
someone who talks badly about adults.
drinks til drunk.
has sex.
lies while acting innocent.
i know it for a fact.
she's done it with me.
i've seen her encourage another to lie as well.
appalled.
really.
and yet, silent.
not my sandbox to play in.
not my circus, not my monkeys.
or
is it?
it's life altering for my daughter.
it has been a huge stress.
and i've walked with her.
encouraged her to stand up for herself.
been near...
but,
i haven't solved it.
but today,
i said something to someone.
and now it just makes me sad.
because in order to really be heard,
i would have to tell all.
i would have to let it all out.
and i'm not willing.
not my job.
i don't think.
maybe.
unless.
well.
it just feels like life is becoming a lie for my daughter.
and that is so hard because we already had to live that way.
for us to live that way now is painful.
i see it in her.
and she's doing it without her best friends near.
wisdom.
i need wisdom.
and kindness.
and gentleness.
but
oh.
my.
goodness.
there be some younguns that should be getting oscars for their performances.
it makes my heart hurt.
i'd rather see kids mess around
mess up
fail
be a pain
and do it honestly
truthfully
when it's sneaky,
it adds such a horrible aspect.
so,
what do you do when your kid is being pushed
and prodded
and forced to be a part
of a big ol
secret?
you pray.
let go.
hang onto your kid.
and support whatever they decide.
and love all involved.
period.
but it sure feels like the blank is gonna hit the fan.
oh my goodness.
yes it does.

thank you

how is it possible to than people for making life wonderful?
how can words make it real?
if i could paint or create, it feels like i could come closer,
but it is nearly impossible with words.
people are trained to discount words.
to change them.
to not soak them in and enjoy them and turn them over in their hearts
instead, they are heard or looked at and put aside.
unlike a painting that draws the eye and heart again and again.
but i don't do paint.
and when i do,
it doesn't create a cohesive memory.
i don't have the skills.
but my very soul longs to be able to say
to show
to give the most genuine and deepest
thank you.
that isn't brushed off.
or taken as flattery.
thank you for making my heart
soar
my mind think deeply
thank you for the way that you stay
especially when i don't know how to connect
or speak
thank you for knowing me
not just what i do or say
but what i mean to be
thank you for letting my dreams matter.
for giving them shape and form
when they still seem ethereal to me
thank you for liking me
even when it's not popular
for confiding in me.
thank you for letting me care about you
in my hesitant
unsure and sometimes silly way
and still bothering to understand that
i'm giving what i've got.
thank you.
you bless hearts all around you.
every single day you are a delight.
thank you.

lover

i'm a lover.  that's what my facebook quiz said.  ha.  i think that it is funny.  until i think about it in context of some other things.  i do love.  and when i'm encouraged and left to be comfortable, when i am believed in.  when i'm not being put down.  when....then, that lover side of me comes to the front. i am good at meeting people's needs.  at showing love.  really good at it.  and i encourage others to become who they are and become what they dream.  so, it's good.  though amusing.
lover.
ha.
single.
celibate.
no dates even.
introverted.
somehow though, a lover.
a relationshipper.
i made up a word.
and it's good.
and it makes me feel peaceful.
because i read a blog about how it's not how we feel about our friends...
it's about whether we are good at letting them know how we feel that matters.
it struck a chord.
it's where i'm trying to grow.
blessings.

create

my word of the year.
it amazes me each year how god gives me a word.
though i don't know exactly why at the time.
this year's word is "create".
and at work, i have found my purpose with that one word.
create a welcoming, kind, encouraging environment.
create a place that people want to work.
create relationships.
create thankfulness.
create.
do it.
turns out....it's my gift.
and it's appreciated.
oh. my. goodness.
how very good it feels to be valued for who and what i am.
how i am.
even though they know i'm weird.
they LIKE me.
it's........
wonderful.
brings tears.
people seek me out.
look to me for encouragement.
ask me to be their mentor.
feel good that i take time to write emails.
or put things together.  they are proud of me.
and it feels good to
create something
great.
god using who i am
to work his plan.
i am content.
blessings.

why yes, i am happy.

i see people that i haven't seen for awhile..or quite a long time...and they comment on how good i look, how happy i look.  and when i look at photos of me, i don't see the haunting look in my eyes anymore.  that look that most overlooked, but i could see.  the fear and troubled feelings.  the falseness of happy.  choosing happy, but not having been able to change circumstances.
i am happy.
exuberantly happy.
joyfully happy.
regularly.
normally.
and it is very wonderful.
why yes, amazingly, i am happy!!!
yipppppeeeeee!!!!

dear

life is dear.
working is dear.
relationships are dear.
the ability to appreciate beauty is dear.
i am growing more and more in the awe of seeing what is dear.
how the simple and nearly mundane are actually the most precious things of all.
the smell of coffee.
the feel of the sun on a face upturned.
work that brings joy.
a random smile.
peace of heart.
i am full of those things that are dear.
in realizing how dear they are,
it sparks the deepest kind of gratitude.
not contrived nor trying hard
intrinsic.
it has become so much a part of me that it is shocking that others don't see.
don't see the rainbow in the sprinklers and marvel.
nor hear the giggle of a child and feel warmed.
see the wiggles of a puppy and belly laugh.
it comes down to a realization that
each breath
each moment
each eye blink
each experience
each heartbeat
each nerve response
each sight
each sound
each and every piece that makes up life
is the most precious of gifts.
dear.
very dear.
and, for me, to use the word dear was a step of epic proportions.
my ex used to use the word "dear" as my name.
but, i wasn't dear to him.
it was actually one of the things that caused the rift to grow.
silly?
no.  i am a person who is moved by words.  to misuse the word,
to make a mockery of it,
to take away the meaning of being precious and turn it into meaning
"am i not good for being so nice to you?"
was horrible.
yet, now,
dear is made new.
all things are made new.
i am becoming whole again.
i am finding the gift of life in all of it's simple pieces to be
dear.
truly dear.
blessings.

exhausted. happy. concerned. content.

too tired is my guess.  left home at 6:50am.  my daughter and i got home at 8:20pm.  long day.  walked home to mail saying i have a bill in collections with a card company that must be a scam..because i never had a card with them.  but it means yet another thing to deal with tomorrow.  then, no check from the ex...again. hard to plan dates to put bills through when he doesn't choose to do what he's supposed to.  but it's not something i can fix, so i am going to choose to rest.
i am happy.
i enjoy my work.
my job.
my teammates.
i love spending time with my daughter.
although some things are troubling her and i wish i could fix them.  but, she's going to get through it. at least she talks to me.  she's  pretty amazing.  someone is talking disrespectfully....to her, but even more what bothers her is about me. sigh.  it doesn't matter. i know it doesn't matter.  but, it's her friends.  or people who used to be her friends.  they are gossiping to others at her school and then she hears it and i know that it makes her feel badly.  she disagrees with what they are saying.  apparently i have too many rules??  seriously??  and i'm annoying because of my rules.  snort.i am one of the least rule oriented parents that i know.  i have high expectations.  i won't settle for less than respect, but rules?  they are pretty minimal.
it was nice to have dinner and have her talk to me.  i wish that i could solve it, but i know that that wouldn't help her in the long run.  it's something she has to work through.  she has to have her own opinions. apparently, she does. she finds disrespect appalling.  you go, baby!
joined pto. i'm the only t.  i like it.
i am finding ways every day to show appreciation. each and every day.  it's so much fun.
i am finding my niche.
so, i'm concerned about money.  yet, sure that the needs will be cared for.  i'm exhausted, but the reasons make me super happy.
life is so very good.  i love my life.  deeply.  wholeheartedly.
blessings.
i need sleep.

prayer

i believe in prayer.  i believe because i believe that there is One who answers.  readily.  kindly.  gently.  purposefully.  he has never let me down.  he hears my groans.  he meets my needs before i know how to do it.  he helped me fix a washing machine today.  really.  he is always more than just there, he is fully present. and that feels so good.  it's like he was beside me today telling me that i could do it and then allowing me to feel good about myself.  i didn't have that in marriage. sometimes i forget how capable i am.  sometimes i get so fearful.  and then, He comes alongside and cheers me on.  he speaks love to me.  he heals my heart.
prayer.  talking to the most amazing friend.  i can't even express it to anyone verbally because it would sound all super christian.  it's not.  it's just a reveling in his presence.  in knowing that he didn't leave me.  in knowing that he is healing my heart and soul and building me back up.
today i was very accomplished.  i did a lot of work.  i did things that i would rather not have to do.  but i did them instead of letting them hang over my head.  and i feel good.  very good.
all because he heard the prayer of my heart as i wondered how i would pay for yet another bill.
go figure....i didn't have to AND i got the benefit of a boosted self esteem.  double win.
blessings.

take care

i have spent the last couple of nights in hotels.  the first was planned.  i'm taking my son to school about seven hours away.  the second night i really wanted to get home.  after 19 miles on the road, i was exhausted.  28..  34.  i kept glancing down at the odometer and being shocked at how little i had gone.  400 to go.  381. 66.  uh oh, this is probably not a good idea.  i stopped in a little town at a mcdonalds parking lot to use the internet.  hotels were expensive that were available.  really expensive...like 800 dollars expensive. so i stopped by a few.  booked.  folks festival was in the cute mountain town.  there were great shops.  it seemed fun.  but i was too tired to even stop for such fun stuff. i drove on.  up and over a pass.  back down.  shaky.  numb.  then i was coming into a dinky touristy town.  it exists for sportsman.  skiing.  rafting.  hunting.  saw a motel.  pulled in.  $77 with a friendly owner and coffee in the morning.  i was giddy.  amusingly so.  since it was built in the 1960's and upgraded in the late 80's.  it was comfortable.  i felt at ease.  i slept.  but more importantly, i rested.  i realized this morning that my tiredness came not only from the 500 miles i had driven in two days and the setting up of my son's apartment.  it came from having been running for awhile.  being needed by many.  i needed to stop.  i needed to get things centered.  to think and pray.  i needed to be a grown up.  i wish i could have had some grown up girl friends with me to enjoy the prettiness.  to eat at a local diner.  but, not this trip.  so, i have rested.  and read.  and slept.  and eaten. cheese, crackers, dark chocolate and a half glass of wine.  it was a lovely dinner.  now, i am hankering for some eggs and bacon, but i don't think that there's such a place around here.  so, in a few minutes, when i'm completely ready and not because i'm rushing, i'll head out and mosey on up the road.  it's long between towns, but the long is beautiful.  jagged peaks and flowered meadows.  gorgeous.  it will be lovely.  especially since i get to do it in daylight.  so happy.
it's the little things.  i am glad that i am learning to take care.  to see me.
boy, those married years did a number on me.  when i first arrived in the parking lot here i was nervous.  then i remembered that i get to choose.  that i need to do what is wise.   that life is not a race or competition.  i should enjoy the moments.
so i did.
blessings.

A Wonderful Day

I have found my niche.  I am an encourager.  A writer.  And I have found my place within my school.  It's a gift. No, not what I'm doing...but the gift of having a place, of being needed.  I have received hugs and emails and cards.  Wow.  All I have seriously done is be myself.  My genuine self.  Wow.  It's so awesome!!

It was a really good day.
I'm exhausted, but the appreciation has carried me.  I am stunned that people view what I do as a gift.  Most of my life my writing and sharing has been "tolerated" or looked at as just something I do, but the people I work with are on fire.  They are excited.  They like who I am.  And I feel so very good.  But it's not really the thing that you can go share with others.  ha.
"Here I am, and I was pretty awesome this week...."
It's frowned upon.

Time for bed.  Tired mama.  One more boy to get to college.
blessings.

Truth

I have my students write letters to me.  Letters about real things.  Letters that tell me what they think I need to know about them, their family, their likes, dislikes, fears, hopes and dreams.  I cried reading them today.  Wow.  Connecting to what it true in their lives is going to help me to be a better teacher.  It's going to help me alleviate their stress.  It's going to help me to build them up.  It's going to help me to teach them.
It amazes me how vulnerable and open most of them are...even after only being together for a couple of days.
I love them.  They know it.  They like being in my room.  They are afraid that they are not smart enough.  Afraid of failing.  Afraid that they won't do well enough in school.  Afraid that their parents won't be proud.  Afraid.  And so young.  Sad.
My work is cut out for me.  I need to teach them some new truths.  Purposefully.  With kindness.  With patience.  With persistence.
I need to show them that they a are loved.  It's more than job.  It's a ministry.  A mission field.
I joke that I'm a "heathen" because things didn't work out at church after the divorce, but the truth is....I know where hope comes from.  And I know Who will provide enough love for these sweet children.
Let the children come to me.....
Maybe, for me, being a little more like Jesus means simply spending my days with His children.
blessings.