Gifted

I always thought that what I had everyone had.  As far as abilities.  It has only been recently that I've realized that I have a gift for helping people to see their talents and abilities.  Helping them to work toward them.  My husband realizes that....because I helped him.  But, what I told him today was that he did not reciprocate.  That what he wants from me is to be more...blah blah blah...and he agreed.  Jerk.
Anyway, I do have a gift.  It's what helps me to see students when I teach.  I am eager to see people excel and accomplish things that bring them deep joy.  Not things that I necessarily like or am good at.....in their own giftedness.  It's also what makes me not take crap from my kids in the areas of their giftedness.  I want them to fly in those areas.
I also teach.  By analyzing where someone is trying to get, what they have so far.  What they need to make it the rest of the way.  It's as natural as breathing for me.
Ok.  Well, feeling like crap is better if I try to remember who God made me to be.  How he made me to be.  Because, there's nobody else to tell me......those tears are so pesky.

Painful

My husband came home yesterday.  He behaves as if nothing is wrong.  He asked me to kiss him.  I started to shake.  "Well, I don't want you to kiss me if you don't want to."  "you could hug me."  I felt the pressure.  I paused.  Then sat up to do it.  It too all I have.
Today he wanted me to go to a town a few miles away to meet up with the in-laws.  I didn't want to go.  At all.  It's always about him having to act like everything is ok.  Treats me all nice and as if nothing is wrong. It cuts deep.  I wasn't going to go.  I was going to exert my right to say no.  But, a friend said that it would be good for me to go.  To see the extended family.  I went.  But, before that, when I was in the front yard and he was saying, "it's almost time to go," I said that I had said maybe.  Then, I paused.  Then, I asked him why he wants me to pretend.  Why we couldn't have had the real thing.  Why he couldn't have cared enough about me to like me for who I am.  Why it didn't matter until he was going to "lose face".  Why my pain meant so little for all of the years that I tried to talk it through, tried to make it good.....and yet, now because he feels like he's going to lose, he wants to make it look better.  I asked him how it was that he doesn't like who I am, wants me to be more responsible, more like him, more what makes him happy.......but it has never been about if I am allowed to be happy.  I can keep the peace.  I am an expert.  I can make it look good.  I can make HIM look good.  I have.  I guess I still have to.  But, I told him that he already lost.  Because though I won't fight.  Though I'm here.....I do not have those feelings for him anymore.  I don't respect him anymore.  He lost my heart.  He crushed it.
Onlookers see the perfect man.  Even those closest.  And I have to get used to it.  I spent a lot of years making everything just right.  For everyone.  And honestly, a part of that I don't regret.  But it become painfully obvious that I don't register a blip on his radar as far as being as important as he is.  He is important to him.  He can't see how anyone else might feel.  How he hurts our kids.  How he has lost not because of how it looks but because there is no foundation.  There is no place to fall back and for me to think that he has my best interests at heart.
I told him what I had to say.  Then I went and visited with the relatives.  Endured the speech about how satanic facebook is and how wrong to use.  How 666 is used on computers.  It overwhelms me.  I smiled and chatted.  Something I hate to do.  Then came the speech on how the cross is a symbol but baptism is not.....my brother in law believes that if you are not baptized you are not saved.  He is the one who told me that if my children died before they made a choice to be baptized then they would go to hell.  Unredeemed.  Ok, then.  Then came the discussion of "why in the world did my son choose the university that he's going to go to."  Didn't seem to believe that it had excellent academic ratings.  Had to hear about another student who went away to a small christian university and then left there to go teach english in the czech republic and told her mom she's going to stay there.  Apparently that was awful.  But, I bit my tongue and smiled.  Hugged everyone goodbye.  Made nice for my kids.  Endured the looks when my nephew and wife were interested in teaching here and I was letting them in on some ideas.  Encouraging a child to make his own way was not acceptable.  Though he is married with a son.  Wow.
I told my husband today that I did a great job with our kids.  I don't regret any of that.  I'm sorry for where we are but it is where we are.  I told him that he should recognize how hard this is for me and how resolute I am to sleep in a living room with no privacy.....the woman who loves time to be quiet and alone.  That I don't picture being married in the future but that I know God can do anything.  And that living with him without our kids at home is not something I could bear.  So, I said it all.  AGAIN.  And I pointed out that I have to keep saying it.  And how hard that is.  Said it just over a week ago.
My very best friend I feel like a failure to.  Her husband was a complete a-hole.  I know I can't compare. I feel like an idiot even trying to talk to her.  And she is friends with my husband.  I have been encouraged by the counselor to do so.  But, I think that I can't do it.  I open my mouth to say, "please just hear me."  "Please just know that I have tried so hard to keep everyone ok."  "I'm just so done."
"So hurt."  "I don't know how to explain it without belittling him.  Without having you take sides.  So, I skirt the edges.  Make it about stupid stuff.  I'm so sorry.  I know that you are his friend.  I know that it's not my right to take that away.  But, the truth is, in this one place in my heart, I wish that I could know that you were my friend.  Mine mostly.  And since I can't ask that, I wonder if I'll lose you.  I wonder if you will not be able to understand since I can't fully explain.  But, regardless, right now, though I disappoint, I have to make sure that I begin to heal.  Or else I won't be around in any decent capacity for anyone in the future.  I care about you.  But, this is the road I am on.  I kept walking away from it for years.  Trying to make it all ok.  Like I said, I'm good at it.  I am not a quitter.  I am not hard hearted.  I just can't keep losing the woman I liked."
Yep, it's painful.  On every front.  But it's better to know that I'm heading in a direction.
grace to all....

Panic

I know that it should not be this way.  I know it, but I can't change it.  I am in a freefall.   He is coming home.  Tomorrow.  And....and what?  And I am not ready.  I feel vulnerable.  I feel ill.  I feel like I feel sorry for him because I so don't want him here.  I had one evening.  One.  Where for about an hour or so I forgot.  I relaxed with the kids. It feels so normal when he's gone.
Ok.  gotta get that sleep.  Somehow.  But, I feel overwhelmed.
God.  Help.  Me.

Epic Fail

You know, sometimes I wish I could get out my oral words quickly and like I need to.  But, today, I was trying....really trying....but, I just can't relax.  I am really worried about something.  About something that I can't change.  That I have no right to change.  But, I wanted to speak it.  I couldn't.
I tried again later, but that moment was not available.
Do you ever wonder if people who you think care about you will think you are a complete failure?
What a hard day.
Perhaps sleep.
He comes back tomorrow.  I almost bawled when I heard.  But the kids were all here.  Hard.  And then I said something and I felt chastised......and.....
sleep is always good.
Today has enough worries of its own.

Got An Appointment. Now What?

It seems like those who think that I'm having a hard time think that a "professional" is going to tell me what to do to make my life better.  I don't think that is the case.  I don't think that it is possible for any person to do that.  I think that what they do is ask questions, lead, guide, hope and help........and know that people have to find their way.  We each must live our own lives.  And take our own responsibility.  Without blaming someone or something for how we are.
It is difficult for me to picture spending much time going to a counselor.....not because I don't adore and respect and admire the woman that I have chosen....but because in the end, what I know is that I have to make choices.  I have to live new.  I have to keep asking the hard questions.  But here's the thing.  I DO that.  Already.  Because it's how I am wired.  It's how I work.  Yes, even about myself.  I know that this marriage has had some good fruit.  These kids are pretty awesome.  People that I couldn't imagine not having in my life.  Who live and give and think and do.........my gift to them is the ability to choose and to think.  Not to be afraid of failing.  To love fully.  To know that life is short and to make amends quickly.  I have done well.  And, that's not bragging.  They are a result of many years of nearly single parenting.
Even now, he works 60 or so hours a week and does extra curriculars.  He is home on Saturday when I run and hide, but he is busy doing projects.  Sad for the relationships.
The thing is that i am going to a counselor but I have to figure out what it means.  What it needs to be for me.  Feels like I'm opening the dam on things.  Worries me to let someone that is on the outside in to the private parts of life.  I don't want to harm him.  But, I want to stop letting him harm me.
Maybe I can keep living in the way we are now.  Quietly knowing that it's not working but letting the kids be ok.  Not sure what is best.  Really don't know.  I think that he will make it hard if I tell him he needs to go.  He has yelled and bawled before in front of the kids.  Blaming me.  Making a scene.  I really don't want that.  I want to be kind.
I loved with such fervor.  In a way that I never knew that I could.  But, loving someone does not make them love you back.  It does not make them want your best.  Sometimes it just allows them to take advantage of the fact that you love so deeply.
But do I really want to explain this to someone else?  I'm not certain.  It seems.....difficult.  It seems....unnecessary.  Because the bottom line is that......I have to figure this out with God.  With His guidance and His plan.  But, if it makes everyone feel better, then I guess I should do my best.
Grace

If I Died

No, I don't want to.  Not at all.  But, I was thinking about it today....if I died, have I made a difference?  Are there those who would not only mourn, but remember who I am?  Would I leave a legacy of faith and of learning?  Who would they remember?  Who would know me?  Who would tell my kids?
This is a driving force in my life.  I want to be known.  I want to be me.  I want to be alive just as I am.
I sang that song growing up......and, while I may have been ok coming to Jesus just as I am, I'm not ok where I am.
I am just so done.  I just don't know what to do about it.
Wait, yes I do.  Wait.  Until I do know.  Until I know the answer.  Until God gives the strength.  Until the right time.  Keep on as I am.  For now.  It's hard.  But, it's where I am.

Ok, I Give Up

I threw away the cards that I had saved that I had given him.  Know why?  Because he has carefully packed away two decades of newspapers, keepsakes from childhood.....and all of the letters from all of the girls before me.  But, he didn't keep the cards I gave him.  I had salvaged them from around the house and put them in a drawer with ones he had given me.  I decided that they were not that important to him. Go figure.
But, this going through is seriously hard.

Stubborn

I finally understand something about myself.  What many perceive as stubborn in me is actually when I'm too hurting, too overwhelmed, too close to completely going over the edge to do what someone wants or is asking.  Strangely, I am often compliant.  Often willing to do what others suggest or want.
But, there is this time when I just CAN'T.  Like now.
I'm being asked to find a counselor.  The idea is good.  I am on board.  I get the benefits.  But, I simply don't have what it takes to do it.  I got up my courage to think about talking about this stuff.  I confronted the counselor in person.  I did everything that I possibly could....all I can think is that she either doesn't have time or is looking to "give" me to someone else.  I appreciate the complexities that she would face if she took me on as a client.  But I really am hurting.  I feel........abandoned.  Like a failure.  I have tried to keep my word.  Tried for 10 days.  And I still mean to.
But, this week is so freaking hard.  It was supposed to be easier, but it's like I live in constant dread.  And how do I tell anyone?  I'm supposed to be glad that he'll be home soon.  Everyone assumes it.  Asks me at church.  Nobody knows how much it takes fro me to go to church.  To face those people whom I love, knowing that I am a failure to perform.  By choice.  That I could continue the game.  But I won't.
I found a couple of loving cards that I had kept from my husband today.  I kept them.  Though that was hard to do.  They were brief moments in an overall main idea that I wasn't enough.
I wish that he would simply stay in Texas.  Really.  Not kidding.  I just can't face the thought of it all.  And that I am always going to be the "mean" one.  The failure.
I'm not stubborn.  I'm not obnoxious.  At least....I wasn't.  It came with time.  With fear.  With covering my feelings.  Now, how to get back to being a person that I can admire.....

The Reality Is....

I called for the last time to leave a message with a counselor today.  That makes 5 calls that I've left messages plus two where I did not.  So.....you see, I have given the effort.  I have only so much emotional energy to give to such a task.  It's like I run pretty empty and the smallest things make life even harder. It's sad, but a reality of my current state.  I can't keep hoping and trying to hope for this "safe place."  It feels like it doesn't exist for me.
The thing is that in reality, I'm learning and coping without a counselor.  I am accepting my responsibility.  I am learning that I am the only one that can decide for me.  Though my husband thinks that he can.
I am slowly growing stronger and learning to take care of myself.  I am wading through the years of memories, hurts and good things, to find truth and balance.
Emotionally, I am a pretty healthy person.  At this point.  Awhile back, I was a complete wreck.  Facing life with him forever felt like a death sentence.  It overwhelmed every piece of my being.  It had been mounting for so many years and it finally had nearly completely covered me.  I was drowning.  But, now, I am learning to take care of me.  Learning to say what I need.  Learning to do what I need.  Learning that even the hard things are possible.  Like when he corners me with, "but, I love you."  And I don't respond with the same words.  I know what he is doing.  I am wiser.  Not cynical, simply, I realize the pattern and I don't want to play it anymore.  I'm done with that part of life.
I need to find good work.  I wonder what God has for me.  Maybe I'm not a great teacher?  Maybe it's some other direction?  I'm not really sure, but I know that I want to do it.  I want to move forward.  I want to put time and energy into growing into a person that I am proud of.
The reality is that I want to be a positive, happy, adventurous, fun loving person.  Though I'm not a party animal nor a crowd lover.  I like quiet times.  I like the computer and writing.  I like pondering.  I am not the person that my husband wants, and I want to quit heading in a direction to please him and more in a direction where I can actually like myself.  The reality is that I like getting to decide.  I have spent too long trying to please.  Trying to conform.  Trying to keep peace.  Trying to make sure that everything looks good and that everyone understands him.  I have been an interpreter for our children and I won't be anymore.  That's what I know.  I know that I need to have a life.  A real life.  That I need to learn how to be happy.  For real.  Not just trying to look happy to keep things ok.
This week was supposed to be good having him gone.  And, there is some relief.  Except it's like living under a sentence.....because he's coming back soon.  That thought totally overwhelms me and paralyzes me.  I have so much I want to do, but I'm so scattered as to where to start because I won't be able to finish.  Because I might get tired.  Or run into a problem.  So, I'm afraid to start.  Afraid.  That's it.  I'm tired of living afraid.

Tired of Trying

You know, I thought that I could go and talk to someone.  Get some help.  Figure things out aloud.  I thought that somehow maybe someone had or would hear me.  But it turns out that the truth is that people don't want to be involved in the messy, stinky harshest parts of life.  They want to remain unscathed.
So, frankly, I think I like how it was before.  I liked it better not assuming that anyone would be "on my side"......on my team.....there for me and not having to be fair to him too.
I am discouraged and hurt.  I am wanting a better day today, so I am writing this here to get it out.
I had my hopes up.  Getting them up makes for a much further fall when hurt comes.  I hate that.
I still have lots of hope.  I still know that my decisions are mine alone.  I am still learning how to be strong. Hot to believe that I am worth it.  I have to do it even with no person walking with me.  It's so stinkin' hard.  So hurtful.  So amazingly lonely of heart.
But, the truth is that it is better than living in the place of denial.  I would rather be here, alone, than back trying to please the man that was supposed to be the one who loved me and stood for me and was on my side.  Oh, wait, I get it...it was supposed to be him, and there's nobody else going to do it if my husband doesn't.  Nobody else will particularly find me worth it.
Ah ha.
Oh well.  I am still going forward.  Yesterday I started looking for houses in Oregon again.  Because it's hard to think that I am in a place where he has half of everyone...not just everything.  I know it's selfish and wrong.  I just want someone who is the one who hears me and me first.  Who wants to see me.
Ok, I'm done.  Have to get to work.  Busy day.

Confusion

So, there's this person who seemed to understand my words and heart.  But....well...today, it was as if she was trying to say something different.  But, then I had to go and get to work and she has been unavailable since.  I think that I am learning that I just have to figure it out.  I have to go with what I really believe.  I can't simply wait for any sort of validation.  That's hard.  Not that someone has to tell me what to think.  Or what to do.  It's just difficult to feel alone.  Not heard.  Not understood.  And so, I will simply try to wait and learn and do what I have to do.
Still, I don't think she means harm or has any intentions that are not good.  I don't think she will be angry with me.  I just had enjoyed a small time of being heard.
Regarding a counselor.  I am ready to go but scared as well.  It feels overwhelming to dig into saying the hard things.  MOstly what I want is to just get better from here.  I know where I am.  I know where I want to get.  So....I need help and encouragement to get there.
That's the thing...I am in desperate need of encouragement.  I feel like talking to my friends hurts them.  I have really tried.  Really been putting it out there and trying to be truthful without being rude about him.  Here come tears.  When do I just get to break down and not give a damn what everyone else needs?  Never.  Because there are too many hurting people in the world.  And I care about that.  Deeply.  Though I think people don't know how much.  My heart breaks for the pain.  But, I've gotta figure out a way to share too.  Because I also am among the hurting.
Gotta run.

Reasons

There are so many reasons in the world to make things work.  To put myself and my needs aside.  Thinking of it makes me cower down inside, but there are these parts of me that just don't want to cause any trouble.  To not cause any worries.  To simply shrink away and live a life that isn't good but that causes the least amount of trouble.
I look at others.  It's easy.  Put myself aside.  Tonight I just want freedom.
He messaged me a relationship confirmation on facebook.  aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!
Nobody knows how nuts it is making me.  How hard it is to try to become the normal person I should be in the midst of who he is.
He has hurt me so deeply and yet, sometimes, what I seem to hear is that it doesn't matter.  That I should just rally and make it work.  That the godly thing is to do so at all costs.
I don't know.  I am no scholar.  I just know that God has a plan.  That he meets me where I am and how I am.  That He never demands that  I pretend.  And I need that kind of life.
I look at how much hope there was in my heart and how crushed it is now.  I was looking at pics that make me cry.  I remember how much I wanted to be accepted.  How much I wanted to be chosen.  But he doesn't have that ability.  Even now, he just keeps bungling along acting as if tomorrow everything will be fine.   It's driving me crazy. How many ways do I have to say something?  But, I guess that I should not be surprised.  He has never been able to hear me.  I have tried so many different ways.
I spent so much time learning to compliment him, to say thank you.  Teaching our kids how to be respectful of how he works so hard for his family.  But he just has never seen me for those things.  He wants to make it work for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.
I told a counselor today that I didn't expect to be married for the next year.  I'm sure it shocked her.  Her face showed it.  It has been so long coming and I have spent so much time processing it.  Back at the beginning of this blog, it was so raw.  So full of all of the ugliness and pain.  Now, it's more of the journey.  More of how to make it.  More about pondering what to do.
Do I stay here and do as I am doing and keep the rest of the people's lives stable?  So many others who need this to be ok.  I wish it was ok.  I'm just not willing to go back to how it was.  And I don't trust him to make it better.  To care for my heart.  He always has to be the needy one.  The one to be taken care of.
I can't say that I know what to do.  I know that I worry my friends.  I know that nobody wants life to change.  It's uncomfortable.  But, I also know that I will honor those friendships and all commitments that I have made.  If I have to I'll sell this house and give him the money to go buy a house.  That would be hard.  Seems like a lot of changes for my kids.  But, he will need a place to live.  Or, I can take over payments of our rental house and not take any money from him......so that he can go buy a house of his own.  I know, seriously, I am still trying to work it out for him.
I have learned that the saddest place to get is not angry.  It's this place of numbness.  Of being unassociated.  He doesn't miss what he never bothered to know.  He keeps behaving as if it's all ok.  I have been telling him for years and years and years......I can't live like this.  Being the one to blame.  The one for whom he feels shame.  I'm just....done.  But, can I still stay here and make this work to keep the world on an even keel?  Maybe so.  I will try.  And I am strong.

Precedent for Happy

Psalm 68:3

But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.

In a court of law things are done and gotten through by finding a precedent....a previous time that a decision was made that is/was like what you are looking for.

So, imagine my lovely joy when I found the word happy in the Psalms.  My husband uses happy against me.  I think that it's considered wrong to want to be happy...by him, I mean.  And, I agree that joy is something deeper, something unchanging and something that abides through all circumstances.  But lookie there, the Psalmist says happy AND joyful.  Yea!!!!

It seems dumb, but knowing that God gets this part of my heart that simply wants to FEEL happy...though I know that feelings are a response to emotions and circumstances......makes me so exuberant.  I wanted to do a little jig.  Scream, "nana nana boo boo," at my husband and wave my verse around.  Mature, right?

But that is how I feel.  And I'm a person.  Not an animal with no feeling, no emotion.  I don't live my life based upon what I simply want each day.  But, over the long haul, I truly believe that if we are walking the path that God sets before us then we will experience happiness within it.  Even in the pain  Because when we learn to be glad and to rejoice before Him, He helps us to find the happy.  He is my peace.  He is love.  He brings joy.  But He even cares about my happiness.  

I like that.  It stills my soul.

My husband seems to be the variety of christian where if you aren't suffering then you must be doing something wrong.  Well, at least if you are everyone else..  He doesn't seem to mind everyone working to make HIM happy.  

On a different note, hearing my kids that remain home begin to vent some frustrations about their dad is a little eye opening.  A little painful.  I try not to dog pile.  Yet, I want them to know that I see.  Hard line.  Want to be an honorable mom who helps them to be kind and forgiving.  But, still, it is interesting how they are feeling freer to speak and to say what bugs them.  And yet, they too, try to be respectful.  I feel badly about their pain.  I don't know how to fix it.  Perhaps I can help my just acknowledging it.

Sadness and Joy

It's funny how sadness can be a part of joy.  That in the moments of feeling the joy of finally breathing, I can be sad that life isn't turning out how I dreamed and hoped.  In my dreams, I was enough.  And, frankly, in reality, I am enough too......it's just depending on who is making the valuation.  But, those little residual painful pockets exist even during these days of having some freedom.  I'm still sleeping in the living room.  But I am working on getting my things moved around and more convenient for myself.
Tomorrow I am bailing out of town to take my son and the extended fam to lunch/dinner for his birthday.  It's a good thing too because I don't want to sit home and risk having to entertain my in laws.  The very thought horrifies me.  So, I will have a good time without worrying.  No phone calls.  No drop ins.  I am so relieved.  Of course, they went right by our house today and didn't stop......so, maybe they aren't interested either.
Nobody tells you when you are young how complex life will be.  How difficult it will be to be true to who you are and yet giving and kind.  I never knew.  Never even dreamed.  I so looked forward to growing up. To being safe.  To being able to decide.
I still do.
Yep, there's that bit of the melancholy residing...but, overall, I am just happy for a very good day.

Motivation

Getting going for the sake of getting going.  Not to please someone.  Not to be known for being a certain kind of person.  Not running away.  Not hiding out.  Simply doing the things that I would like to do or get done or receive pleasure from.  Not easy.  Doesn't seem like it should be that hard.  But it is.
I am finding simple pleasure in being able to wake up at any time and be awake to read or write knowing that I will be "allowed" to sleep in the morning without anyone to make me get up or staring at me.  Or bothering me.  He gets up early on saturdays and makes a lot of fuss in the kitchen cleaning up, making his oatmeal or egg.....sits where he can see me when he eats.  I spend these days feeling like I can't move or I'll be expected to get up.
And nights are the same.  Have to be "asleep"  or I have to be available to him.
But, I am happier being in the living room than I was being in the  bedroom.  I am not all better with this arrangement, but it is better than it was.  When someone talked about going into the bed and climbing in with him again.....I actually shuddered.  My stomach tightened.  Never again is my thought.  I will never again put myself in the place where I am that vulnerable to him.
But do I just say that this is it and please go?  Or do I leave it as it is for the sake of the others around?  I really don't have an answer.  It troubles me that way.  I could sell the house.  But, I don't feel like that would be good for my kids.  Not yet, at least.  But, times are changing.  I am changing.  I am willing to figure out how to make it on my own.  Not without my kids.  And, I don't want to argue about them.
The other night, before he left for his reunion trip, he was laying on the guilt about how only one of the kids was going to go with him.  How hard it was that his FAMILY wasn't going with him.  How he might never have another trip with his kids and family.  I told him that they had a choice when I went on a trip too.  He said that it was because I had a beach house to go to.  Well.  Guess that solves that.  They didn't want to be with me.  Just like the beach house.  He continued on about how he didn't get to go and how he wasn't invited.  At least this year he didn't get to include that I cost him money.  Although, he keeps saying that I should spend it on more practical things for everyone.  That trip and every other one like it  that I've done are a part of what has kept me sane.  But, more than that and even deeper, they are my gift of specific memories for my children.  My legacy to them of going away and resting and enjoying and doing the simple things.  Seeing the area.  We don't go and spend a ton of money.  Or do all of the touristy things.  We do some.  We choose which ones each person really wants to do.  It's so easy to travel with the kids.  So easy to breathe and relax.  We get up and take it a day or two at a time.  Sleep in.  Take naps.  Take walks.  Read books.  Watch movies.  Play games.  Listen to music.  Sing songs.  It's just comfortable.  He makes me incredibly and horribly uncomfortable.  Life has been hard around him.  For the duration it has been hard.  Not to say that I didn't love him.  But to say that I thought that he would reciprocate love and acceptance.  That he would find me worthy.  Instead, he found me shameful.  Instead he has left me to "protect" myself when the hard times come.  And I simply can't go back.  He was talking about a vacation and all I could think was that he was getting more than I felt like I had to give by simply being in the room.
So, it is hard for me to feel genuine motivation.  Not the kind that is spurred by doing something because he is coming or because he's not around and I can.  I am rather sick of having my thoughts and actions completely ruled by him.  By his desires and expectations.  I want to actually get to wake up on a day and see how I feel about things.  Who knew that that could become soooo very difficult?  Who knew that I wan't going to be allowed the simple pleasure of being myself?

Gone

My husband left yesterday with one of our kids to go to his family reunion.  I am glad that they have the reunion.  I am glad that he is gone.  It has taken a full 24 hours to realize that he is gone and I have some time.  My first instinct is to rush around and do all of my stuff.  But, I want to savor the moments.  Do what I need to do.  Enjoy each unstressed breath.
But, I am a little bit irritated because his brother and sister in law and nephew and his wife and her parents and the baby are going to be near our home this weekend and he told them that they could stop by on Sunday.  I really need time.  Not to have to be strong or answer tough questions or play nice.  I need time to breathe.  Besides, my one son will be 20 this week and we were going to go out to a restaurant with our local gang.  I just can't do this.  So, I'm going to have to say so if they call.  And be unavailable if they come?  He said that they were going to go to church with us.....great, but his brother hates going to our church.  Always complains.  We aren't Lutheran and his view is that nothing else will do......ssssoooo.....AWKWARD.
But, I can be strong enough to deal with that.
I also want to paint and do some things I want done around the house.  Strangely, my husband left a huge amount of instructions regarding "his" garden....to water and not to let it die.  Snort.  We won't.   But, I couldn't believe that he was able to ask it knowing that he doesn't give a rip about what I need.  Oh well.  That is why I am where I am.
I was wondering today why I'm not so angry but I realized that it's because I quit caring.  I gave up.  I put in so much for so long and finally I just couldn't anymore.  That must be hard for him.  Because no matter what he does, I'm not up for being "won" back.  I had to get to this stage.  I had to finally feel safe.  Too many years of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Too much time of wondering what would be the next thing that I did wrong.
On to happier moments.

Dropping Like Flies

What is it about people around me?  They are all rushing to the divorce lines.  Great.  Now I feel like some kind of follower.  But, there has to be something about why.  Perhaps we have all worked to raise our kids, happy or not, getting along or not....and then we finally just can't stand it anymore?
One couple I have most lately heard of, the woman found another man.  Yet she and her husband still live together.  Seems....um....awkward?  Unusual?  Maybe he is more gracious than I would be? Probably.  He and the kids (both girls) are going to go live in an apartment.  I can see why she was unhappy.  It hit me awhile back hearing them together.  But, I am still surprised by the enormity of the amount of changes they are going to go through.
I understand more.  Judge less.  Though I don't think that divorce should be the first option, I totally understand
Maybe I am less spiritual.  But, perhaps I am more?  Perhaps I understand more of how it feels.  How painful things can get.
But, it is odd to think that many of the people that I knew in my thirties as marrieds are now divorceds.
Life is strange.

Trepidation

The word trepidation always seems to come with the word fear.  I wonder why.  It means alarm, trembling, being troubled......quaking.  I think that I deal with more trepidation than I do actual fear.  The sense that I am not at rest.  Quivering.  Quaking.  Shaking.  Getting cold.  Getting hot.  Feeling overwhelmed.
It's sad to me that my life has come to that.  And happy that I have awakened to notice that it happened.  That I have lived more years trying to make things work than with things working.  That I have put aside being happy or peaceful for simply trying to keep the peace.  I want to live a new life.  I need a new -tion word because trepidation just isn't doing it for me.
Elation.  I want to live feeling charged up.  Not beaten down.  I want to live in hope, not in constant wondering what will go wrong.  I want to live ready to get up and go, not wondering where I can hide out.  I want to have adventures and not be forced to feel as if every difficulty is the end of life as I know it.
Yes, elation.  It reminds me of inflation.  Of breathing.  To be elated...filled up with good.  Good thoughts. Good habits.  Good hopes.  Good dreams.
Still, I want to whine in this little part of me.  Because he has done so much to harm who I am supposed to be.  And doesn't care.  That he used sex to make me feel like a prostitute.  That he withholds affection and compliments unless he thinks that he'll get something.  And yet a part of me thinks, maybe he'll change.  Maybe I'm being unfair.  I have a lot of things that are wrong too.
And yet....herein lies the difference.  I have spent the 20 years together believing in who he is and who he can be.  Encouraging his abilities.  Helping him push to try to do things that he'd be good at....like missions trips.  Singing.  Trying to allow him to see all of his God given potential.  I have seen his love of sports and have never hindered him from playing.  I have seen who he is and encouraged him to grow in those things.  To find joy and pleasure.
He does not reciprocate.  He does not see my strengths and help to grow them.  He sees me as the one who isn't as good as he is.  Not as responsible.  Not as busy.  Not as organized.  Not as frugal.  Not as smart.  Not as disciplined.  Not as....good.  That is his base belief about me.  He has said it.  Told me.  He has told me that he "prays to love me."  Nope.  Not good enough.
I am going to move from this trepidation to elation.  To looking forward.  Looking up.  Looking around. Not being afraid and hesitant.  Being bold and confident.  Being strong and courageous.  Being kind and giving.  I am going to be me.  Inside and out.
Make way!  Here comes..........ELATION!!!

When I Stumble

Today is a good day.  I feel brave.  I feel proud.  I am going to remember this day when the hard days come back.  Wen I start second guessing and wondering if I shouldn't simply go back and try to fix it all....I'm going to remember that I need to face up to who I am supposed to be.  And do that.  And perhaps I'll even be able to quit apologizing.  Quit feeling like I'm in the way in the rest of my world.  My husband has trained me in that too.
He used time when I'm away to do the things that he believes I should do better or differently.  Points it out to the kids.  He doesn't realize how often I speak with them, I guess.  How I hear what he says.  How, though he may act all meek around me, I know that it's simply a show because of what happens when I'm not around.
The hurt look and the dear.  yuck.  Enough already.  This morning it was "what kids are going to go with me to **** to visit my family.  Only one is going for sure.  The others I have been trying to convince.  Graduation wore hard on all of us.  The pain that they suffer when their mama is made fun of and talked badly about does not go away easily.  And though I can forgive his mother for not liking me, they are having a hard time swallowing the things that they are told and hear.  Especially since they know me better than nearly anyone in the world.
So, my self esteem is like a barometer....changes all of the time.  It has been so low.  But, I get to choose.  I get to live a new life.  Though we are both still here.
And, when days or hours come when I stumble, I'm going to remember how good it is to be free....to know the truth that I have value.  That my value is not determined by him.  And from there, I'm going to do my best to dwell less and less in the self loathing.  I'm going to move along.  I'm going to be strong.  I am braver than I give myself credit for.

I'm Braver Than I Think

A few days ago I told my best friend that a good friend from the past told me that I need to make a counseling appointment.  I could have kept that info to myself.  I could have done a lot of things.  But, I risked and told my friend because I know that she has wanted me to go as well and would help me to get to it.  She checked in on my progress today....what do you know, it hadn't even crossed my mind!!!
So, after a walk and some doggy play time, I came home to message the counselor.  But, alas, she has her facebook down for the summer and I didn't know her email address.  Safe, right?  I tried.  No deal.  I got online and looked up the church, found the counseling center, found her number and.......gasp.......I called it.  I even left a message which included the best times to reach me.
This is hard for me for a number of reasons.  My husband is so tight with money....and I don't really even want him to know that I'm going.  He will think that I should be going to get fixed to make things all better for him.  And, maybe that is what happen.  I can't really say.  But, I know that for now, I just need to go and talk to someone without worrying about what I have to say.  There's the rub.  The counselors at my church know my husband.  Well.  They admire his singing. They love that he works with the sunday school.  And I feel small.  I feel like I'm going to face more guilt.
The thing is this....I am finally brave enough that if that does come, I will take a stand.  I will go somewhere else.
One other thing.  There's this guy counselor at the same place that took sides against a friend of mine.  I don't know if I can face seeing him there.  We went to sunday school together.  We were supposedly friends, but he never ever got it.  I keep getting the message from him that forgiveness is for all things for all times.  But, while I think that I can forgive, I'm not sure that's how I want to live....with someone who demands that I extend unlimited grace without reciprocating.  Who has no clue what it costs me to live trying to make him happy.
But, I've taken a step.  I'll continue to do it one step at a time.  And....eventually, I will get to the top.
Scared and yet relieved.  Gives me a sense of control over my own life.  Less sense of hopelessness.
So....here we go.

Emotional Paralysis

It's really funny how knowing that my husband is going to be gone frees me up.  I am starting to think about the things I can do and enjoy while he is gone.  The things I can do around the house.  How I won't be making him think that I'm trying to curry his favor.  Because, I'm not anymore.  Don't need his favor.
Well, ok, I wish that it would have been that he actually liked me for who I am, but he doesn't, so I'm going to have to get over it.  But when I say he doesn't he tells me how brave and good I am.  Funny how maybe that has given him the feeling that he could leave me to fend for myself.  That he didn't support what I needed or wanted.  Funny how when people I loved died, he barely mentioned it.
He was angry after my grandparents were both gone because I put the money I got into our house (that I also got from my grandparents.) It finally came out that he had planned on "retiring." That grated on me.  A lot.  He had never mentioned it.  He just assumed that he could do as he pleased with any money we ever get.  With his parent's inheritance he can retire.  But, that will probably be a long time off.  I won't be around to spend it.  I'll be beaching it.  And loving it.  I'll be enjoying every breath.  I will live in joy and peace.
When he is around, I am paralyzed.  When he goes, I am better.  I discovered it by accident over the years.  A sad but true fact.  He is damaging to me.
I need to remember that when I get so down on myself.

Leave it Behind

It's easy to bring the garbage along with me in my life.  The stuff that my husband has done.  Or not done, as the case may be.  But the thing is that we just don't match.  I do not meet his expectations.  I do not fulfill his desires.  And, when I try, it so goes against who I am that it is like a wrecking ball going through my very soul.  And, I could stay.  Work some more.  Work harder.  But in so doing, I believe that I build up bitterness and store away my pain.
It is in this letting go time that I am learning to forgive.  Learning that I don't have to be angry or irritated in order to want to be free.  That I am allowed to have feelings and emotions and needs and desires.  That my dreams and ways of doing things need not be diminished. I am not responsible for someone else's behavior.  Nor for making them look good.  It does not reflect badly on me if he behaves badly.
I am LEARNING....present tense....not have learned.  And it is quite a journey.  But it is a journey of saying good bye.  I realize this more and more as time goes by.  As much as I hate doing it.  As awful as I feel.  This life is dangerous.  It sucks away joy and hope like the sun soaks up the sprinkles of rain.  And...over time....my life has become nearly a desert.
I want to travel.  To live near the ocean...or, nearer, at any rate.  I want to teach so that I have months to travel.  I want to use and have extra money to do so.  Even if it means skimping on other things.  I want to have beauty in my home but not necessarily complete tidiness.  I want to feel free to breath.  And live. And to not always be doing the wrong thing.
And if he calls me dear again, I shall absolutely choke.  I have been pleasant.  Kind.  Say good morning etc.  But, there is no relationship.  And I do not have what it takes to build one.  I spent 20 years trying to give him that.  Trying to build where he tore down.  Trying to make something deep and meaningful where he was content with superficial and fake.  And I can't do it anymore.  It's time for me to go on and live my life.  With the accent on LIVE.  I've been so into pleasing.  Into melting into his world and his desires.  Whether it was what to eat, where to go or about sex.  I became a non-entity.  And, in this standing up of me, he feels confused.  Because I won't go back to how it was.  He wants me to make his world right by staying and accepting that it is my lot in life.  That a good christian woman would not even think of walking away.  Then, I'm not good.  But, I am christian.  And loved by my Creator.  My daddy....who adores me though I have never come close to being like Him.  And that will have to be enough.  The fact that He sees where I am and weeps.  That He knows how I have been used.  Abused. Not hit.  Nope, he wouldn't stoop to that.  That would be "wrong".....besides, he knows that I'd call the police.  But the constant guilt.  The constant reminders about money and how I am not frugal enough.  The constant viewing of my shortcomings.  Well, good news....he won't have to do it anymore.
I wonder sometimes if God will punish me.  Seriously.  You'd think I was Catholic.  That maybe He will keep me from success or keep me from prospering.  I wonder.  That's what I hear at church.  That's what I hear from some really good people   But, I am learning to know Him a little bit better.  He doesn't just see the outward signs of divorce.  He sees the inward.  My husband divorced me a long time ago.  And though nobody else may see, God does.  And He weeps for it.  But, He is not out to get back at EITHER of us.  My husband will answer and so will I, but not because of punishment.  Because God is holy and has to burn away sin.
So, here I am.  Trying to figure out how to leave the badness of it all behind me.  To learn to see what was good and cling to that.  And move on.  I used to do that while trying to STAY.  But, it just gets worse and worse.  He has been different in a creepy way lately.  Trying to make me think that he is different.  But, he's not.
He leaves on a trip in a few days.  I can't wait.  Wish it were longer.
But, how do you tell someone after 20 years that you are done?  And have them accept it?  Because I've tried and he simply refuses to allow me my choices.  Guess I should pray on it.  Timing.  Wording.
Remember, others walk where you are walking.  No matter how rough the road gets, yo uare worth loving.

This Day

Today I might try to make church service with my kids.  I love going with them, but my husband always is there at that service.  So, today, he has to go to first service because he is giving blood during second service.  So, I am reservedly hopeful.
I love praise music.  I love the time of connecting.  Well, I did.  But now, it's just so difficult.  My life as others see it is a sham.  It's as if they think they know me...people who have not spent the time to see me.  As if they think that my life is perfect and that I am so lucky.  When he sings at church, the women swoon around me telling me how happy it must make me.  What would make me happy would be for the whole thing that I've striven so hard to have to be real.  I don't need fake.  Don't need a mirage.  I need sustenance.  And I wonder if I'm willing to give him another chance...Chance one million and two.  And, I don't think that I am.  Even though it makes me hard hearted.  Or unforgiving.  I'm neither actually.  I have a very tender heart that longs not to do harm.  I see people.  I see him.  But he has trampled on my hopes, my dreams, my personhood for twenty years.  I have had moments of thinking that it could actually be alright.  I am nothing if not hopeful.  Hopeful to a fault.  I have kept thinking that "eventually" it would all be ok.  That I would cease being so wrong in his eyes.  That he would choose me over his mother.  That he would actually ever hear me.
Even now, he will not hear me.  He chooses what he wants and how he wants it and then acts all passive, but he is not.  He is selfish.  Life is all about him.  Always.  Period.  No kids nor wife has ever changed that.  What he wants.  How he wants it.  And he would say that look at all he has had to give up.  All of the times he has had to be so uncomfortable.  Screw him.  I am done feeling sorry for a grown man who just won't grow up and face what it is to put anyone but himself first.  And then live like he is God's gift.  He never used to read his Bible.  Ever.  Nor pray with his family.  Except at meals.  He has never given one iota of spiritual leadership to his kids.  Well, except for being a sunday school teacher....but really, that is about him.  In the setting of his own home, he has nothing to give.
He works his butt off.  Really.  But he will never do what anyone else needs.  Unless the person is outside of our home and it will earn him accolades.  And, sometimes, even then, he will guilt them or be condescending.  He will say to them how they could do the job.  Or how they should have taken care of it.  Or any of a thousand things that mean, "aren't you lucky I am willing to give you my time and expertise to dig you out of this?"
And all of that gives me the creeps now.  I know that others are probably blind to it.  Probably so happy that he is such a good man that he shows up to help or whatever.  But I know that he keeps a list.  He wants to be and believes he is better than others.  He proves it by doing things.  And, conversely, I have quit doing anything for him.  I have given up trying to look good.  He tries to act like it doesn't matter, but the anger simmers just below the surface.  He is trying to pull me back into his orbit.  Into feeling sorry for him and how hard his life is.  But I'm done.
I want out.  I need out.  I need to be the person I was created to be.  If it didn't affect so many people, I'd be gone tomorrow.  I'd pack and be done.  Seriously.  I am so finished.
But who do I tell that to?  How do I disappoint the teens and the friends who depend on the consistency of what there is?  It may not make ME happy, but it makes others happy.  That is truly difficult for me.  The hardest part of all.
And he won't walk away.  He won't make it easy.  Because he has to look good.  He has to be righteous.  So, it's going to be on me.
I really did try.  Above and beyond.  And pray wholeheartedly to change.  And to be kinder.  More understanding.  To be willing to do all that he needed.  From house ot sex.  And all it got me was self loathing because it was never enough.  Ever.
Can I live like this until my daughter is grown?  I just don't know.  One year down.  Five to go?  My heart shrivels and hides and trembles.  It is wearing on me horribly.  I think that is not going to work.  Though I wish it would.  I wish that I could save all of those that I love from the pain of separation and change.  But I can't.  Eventually it will happen.
I want to be spiritually sensitive.  Aware of the right times.  I want to be tenderhearted.  Not toward him alone, but toward the many people who are affected.
I want to be prepared.  I don't want to run into something and have been foolish.  Because I really don't want his money.  Really desperately don't want it.  I've begun to view it as his money because of his training.  It wasn't mine.  Ever.  His.  To lord over me.
So, work.  I need good work.  Consistent.  I need to be ready to do it and do it well.  I need to be able to do interviews.  That is one reason that it's so hard to stay.  My self esteem plummets nearly daily.  But these last few days, I have strengthened my resolve.
I am still afraid.  I know that I can end up alone.  Completely.  Without friends.  But, there are people all over the world.  I'm sure that some of them will find me worth knowing.  Worth understanding.
Maybe.

Life Isn't Fair....duh

My husband is quick to help everyone.  Everyone else, that is.  Always has to look good.  I used to think "oh how nice."  But now, I see the show, the fakeness.  God forbid he should ever help with what I need help with.  Not without a fuss or making me feel like crap.  I have waited on anything I wanted done around the house for years.  But he starts project after project.  Oh well.
I'm just frustrated today.  Feel obligated to keep him around so that he can help everyone else. 
I am hurting.  Should just shut up.
Or....maybe I SHOULD talk.  Just can't decide.  Have come so close to using my words.  Losing my friends.....another loss.  Can I do it?  A friend says I'll make it anyway.  Hope she's right.

Blessings in Disguise

I know, from experience, that many things that don't seem good at the time turn out to be good.  Word is that this is called "a blessing in disguise."  I've had a lot of those.  These kinds of blessings tend to come with strings attached....like having to wait, wondering, hoping, wishing, praying, desiring, giving up, giving in.....they come HARD.  I am kinda hoping for a blessing or two not in disguise in my life right now.  I am weary.  Tired.
I found a friend/mentor from my past on facebook recently.  She knew me as a child.  We were chatting.  Nothing deep.  Until it was.  She cut to the heart....have you ever considered divorce?  And I shook.  And tear came.  And it took me quite awhile to respond......fear.  Finally reconnected with someone whom I respected, admired and actually felt like got me....and here I am, a failure.  Finally I typed it.....I wanted it to have smaller font...."yes".  And the fear gripped me.  I shook.  I thought, great, here comes the lecture, the shoulds, the biblical talk.  But it didn't.  She asked wise questions.  She took the time to hear me.  And she told me that I needed to talk with my friends.  And that they might leave.  And that they might choose him. But that if they did then I would make new friends.  That I would be fine.  That I had gone through hard times before and been taken care of and that I would survive now too.  She told me that I have a right to be happy.  To make choices.  To feel hopeful and valuable.  She didn't tell me to get divorced.  She didn't tell me to stay married.  Instead, she told me how to live.
I wanted to share it with someone.  But I feel so stupid.  Everyone else has mamas to tell them stuff.  To be there.  Siblings that show up.  I don't.  And I haven't for a long time.  She got how my grandma was in my life.......wow.  I didn't have to try to explain.  She knew how it must have been.  She said that I reminded her too much of my mother.  I said that I didn't remind her enough of her.....I failed to meet the grandeur of her memory.
But whatever comes, this reconnection sparked a hope in me.  A feeling of taking a breath.  For that I am so thankful. It wasn't a blessing in disguise.
Now, this not getting the job thing.....I'm having trouble seeing it as a blessing, though I know that it will be exactly the right one at exactly the right time.
Today I looked for jobs in other states.  Maybe I should start over.  Probably not.  Probably just hurt feelings about my job search here.  But, it felt freeing to think of being somewhere where he isn't.  Where I don't sit as I am now, tense and wondering at what moment he will walk in.  He is inexplicably absent again tonight.  While I don't care.....I shudder wondering when he will walk in.  I am so tired of it.  I want my room.  I NEED a room.  But, I have what I have.  A place to live.  Being with my kids.  Loving them dearly.  I have good friends.  Though I generally have been not saying the hard stuff.
I am not yet sure if she's right.  But, maybe so.  Maybe simply knowing.  But, the thing is....making people feel a sense of having to choose or of feeling like I want them to blame....well, it seems icky.  I want them to form their own opinions.  I want them to do as they need to.  So......I keep walking basically alone.  And it hurts.  It's like constantly holding my finger in the dyke.  It wears me out and more water just keeps pushing through.
The best part is that she said that she would pray for me every single day.  Another breath of relief.
I know that it's a small seeming thing....but it helped to give life back to my hurting soul.

Being enough

Ha...just as I wrote the title, a commercial for extenze came on and said "it's not about being enough, it's about being more..." hahahahhaha.
I am suffering from a very diminished sense of esteem.  I know what causes it.  I know truth.  And yet....it still plagues me.  It still steals my peace.  And, it keeps me from doing and being who I was made to be.
How is it that I allowed so much time to go by?  How did I think it was going to turn out?  Without the kids I wouldn't be here.  But.....keeping them well and at peace matters to me.  But living with him when they are gone sickens me.  I told him more than a year ago......without them, our home is not.
I need encouragement.  Period.  Right now it's not enough to know it for myself.

Jobs

I love teaching this summer.  I adore the school that I am at.  I had an interview there for a full time position yesterday.  It was an ok interview.  I used to be a confident interviewer.  Try as I might now, my confidence isn't what it once was.  I get nervous and have trouble remembering what is important to me to say......I have been beaten down more than I knew.  I mean, I knew it, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to overcome.  I tried so hard to be calm yesterday.  To simply pray and do my best.  But, there was this part of me whispering that I wasn't good enough. That they wouldn't want me.  That there were 163 applicants and I wouldn't even make the top three.
BUT, I did get an interview.  And a lot of people didn't.  And I did get a chance to say what I needed to.  Though I kind of have a hard time talking about my good points.  It is so hard.  LIke sickeningly hard.  I want to be better.  I want to live and grow and feel like I'm worth it.
I wish that I could just walk away from him.  Just say good bye.  He is not healthy for me.  He is dependent but not uplifting.  And...frankly, I see how he treats others......hmmm.....perhaps he would be happier with them?  I don't wish him bad.  I don't wish him to be unhappy or miserable.  Well, ok, I have thought that if he ever did die of the coronary that supposedly he's going to have (he says) then it would be a lot easier to deal with than a divorce.  Losing a spouse to death is religiously acceptable.  To divorce, it's shameful.  Yikes.  My live has become something I don't want it to be.  And I've said so.  Told him what I want.
But, if I can't even get a job and I don't want his money.....
well, maybe I need to look other places.  Maybe I need to consider what else I can or could do.  I don't want to uproot the kids.  Though I could use a change of scenery.  I can manage to get them raised.  I just need to work.
Oh, please, God.....the right job for me.....let them see the way I can teach and now how I interview.

garden

I like being in my garden.  Today I sat on my big porch on the day bed...ok, laid...behind the lace curtains. I was resting before it was time to go with the kids on a walk.  I fell sound asleep for about 20 minutes.  Very nice.
But, my husband does his garden thing...a thing he has never even taken pleasure in.  And he is making me feel crappy.  He works hard.  Don't get me wrong.  The man works incessantly.  At work.  At home.  At play.  All of the time.  It's just that he's always so busy proving how great he is that he doesn't have time to see how good anyone else is.  I'm weary.
I still love my garden.  I'd love it more if he wasn't around to make me feel lousy about it....well, maybe i wouldn't love it more, but I'd be able to relax and enjoy it more.
He likes someone else.  He doesn't like me.  I can tell when he likes people.  I don't measure up.  Oh well.

Feel better

He's a jerk.  There.  I said it.  Now I feel better. ha.  I keep blaming me when he's a jerk.  When will I quit. I gotta own my stuff and NOT his.
But, maybe he's not a jerk for others.  This confounds me.  aaarrrrrrrggggghhhhh.  So, does that mean that it IS me???

Tender of Heart

There are aha moments when I realize that people don't have a clue that I have a very tender heart.  Toward children, toward spiritual matters, toward people in general.  That is why this time of life is so hard.  I like to be tender hearted.  I like to make things better.  I like peace and I like to see people be comforted and happy.  But.  I know.  I never used to allow myself the BUT.......not at any cost.  Though I believe that it is good and right and spiritual to lay down my life, to put others first, to see to their needs as I would my own, God never intended for it to be INSTEAD of my own.  He never meant for me to cease existing so that another person could shine....He wants that only for himself.  That I would allow Him to shine.  His needs. His desires.  AHA.
And that has never happened in my marriage.  He has a lack of his own goals and his lists of do nots are immense.  Without a doubt, if you could work your way into heaven, he'd be a ten thousand miles ahead of me.  Unfortunately for him, ten thousand miles is a drop in the bucket toward true perfection and Godliness....soooo.....we are both in the same boat.  Need a redeemer.  But the thing is that I accept that redeemer as enough.  Don't feel like I have to negotiate and work harder to make things better.  I simply have to hang onto His truth that Jesus was enough to cover ALL of my life.  The bad.  The things I view as "good".....which, maybe aren't really good.
I need to step back and take time.  I need to learn once again what it is to hear the voice of my Father.  He called me when I was very young.  He walked with me for so long.  And then......even in that I began to struggle.  To have to perform.  To feel as if I weren't doing enough.  Wasn't a good enough wife.  Wasn't meeting his needs well enough.  He has questioned my spiritual walk a few times.  Wondered why I've become so hard hearted.  It's not hard...it's resolved.  I am resolved to no longer allow him to strip me of my identity in Jesus.  Though I may not look it or seem it or have it all together, I have been redeemed.  Bought.  Treasured.  Counted worthy.  And I don't have anything to prove.  There is no report card.  There is simply learning to love and walk with the One who paid the price.  Of learning to keep on walking the path.  Even a child can do it.
My heart is so tender.  And lately it has been tragically pained.  It's as if I can't see any worth in me because of how he has treated me.  Because of what he has done to me.  Because of what he thinks of me.  But....oh yeah....he doesn't get to determine my value.  Thanks be to God!!!!

Bed

Sad to kill time til I can respectably go to bed.....and then have no bed to go to.  I am truly struggling today.  Can't seem to step out of the quicksand.
I want to clear out the clutter of my house.  Never allowed to throw things away.  ALWAYS a big deal.  Apparently I'm wasteful.  Possibly.  Not sure.  But, maybe.
Nobody to talk to.  Nobody to write to.  So, I sit alone writing to strangers.  Hoping that if you find this that you will know that hope is for you.  That joy is for you.  That these times of life when you are abused, misused, and treated unfairly are not because you are bad.
So, that said, I'll simply try again tomorrow.

Fields. Matches.

I used to have some pretty good ways of relieving stress.  I used to burn my friend's field out in the country.  Tonight, I simply lit some snakes on the patio...ok, about 30 at a time.  It wasn't as satisfying.  Made me wish for a field to burn.
Alas.  none.
gotta run.

Escape Artist

Here I am figuring out if I could travel.  Looking for ways to find some time to look forward to so that I can survive the now.  The sad part?  I only returned about 3 weeks ago!  I need to do something.
I guess I keep hoping that he'll move out....that he'll get it and allow me that one grace.  I want to clean my room.  But I don't have one.  My part of our old room is in complete disarray.  It's horrible.  I can't even force myself to be in there to do it......
Ok, perhaps I should do something.  But a part of me doesn't want to because I feel like I have always HAD to do certain things to make him happy.  To keep the peace.  And if I do it, he comes home and acts like all must be ok...even moreso.
Hope I don't hurl.

Motivation

It's hard for me to get motivated.  Gotta pay some bills.  Get some stamps.  Do some cleaning.  It's SOOO hard for me to do it at home.  At school, I get stuff done.  Here, it's like an invisible vaccuum sucks out all of my hope and keep me from moving.  It is the most bizarre thing.  I feel lethargic.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel like crying.  I think that I am suffering a form of depression here in my home.  I dread him coming home.  I dread having to make small talk of any sort.  I hate fake.  Despise it.
He was upset that I didn't want to go to a missionary meeting with him last night.  He wants me to still live his life.  I am not that willing anymore.  I want to putter on my home.  Paint my kitchen.  Paint my bathroom.  Regrout.  Fix up the ceiling.  Replace the bulb.  I want to lay on my bed on the porch and simply be.  I want to actually live in my home.  But I'm frozen.  Kept from producing.  Don't get to choose.  Kills me.  Hope not literally.  But, sometimes I worry for my health because of the extreme amounts of stress that have been put upon me.  Without outlet.  Without the undeniable support of family.  I will be fine.  I just have to make it...love my kids.  God has granted me this long, I pray for longer.  Then, I pray to be free.  But, sometimes, I wonder why I wait.  My one son asked me that about 6 weeks ago.  Why do you stay?  He doesn't treat you well.  Sigh.
He's cheap.  He's narcissistic.  He's prideful.  He's mean spirited.  He's pitiful.  And he covers it all with a laugh and charm.  Now I'm shaking again.  How will I ever survive?  What will it take???  How can I do it???
I bawled this afternoon.  A teen wet his finger and wiped off my mascara later on.  I wonder if he knew that it was from crying.  I hope not.
Now I sit here.  Waiting.  Dreading.  Any minute.  He'll walk in.  I don't have anything to do.  Nothing to make me invisible.  Trying to work here makes me open to comments.
He is growing a garden.  Keeps the chickens out.  There are those tears again.  Why do I have a sense of wanting to salt water his garden on the sly?  That's not me.  I wouldn't really do it.  But, he has been such a complete a hole about my garden all of this time and it's like he rubs my face  in his doing it.
Ok, when contemplating getting mad and doing something about it, I feel a spark of life.  But, I want to keep the peace for five more frickin years.  aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Maybe

I am not the person my husband wishes I was.  I am not who he pictures as being a good and responsible person.  But he knows people who are.  People that he is kind to.  People that he seems to enjoy without trying.  With me, it seems that he is always trying to love me....as he put it.

I know that it's strange not to feel jealous or anything like that.  I am totally over that.  It's like a sense of clarity comes.  A sense of relief in knowing that I'm not the one who makes him happy and that fixing that isn't my job.  

I have toyed with jobs in other places.  With divorce in the now as opposed to in the future.  I have toyed with it because it seems a waste of his life to be tied down with someone that he struggles to simply love.  Ridiculous, actually.

Maybe I am.  I see it in people's eyes.  Sometimes.  I'm probably a little hard to love.  Ok, maybe a lot.  I don't really know.  For me, I'm just me.  But for too long, I tried to be that other she....the one who did what he thought was good and right.  And, it has damaged me.  

And I can't fix it.  I don't have a place to speak it aloud, so I get to wonder if somehow I am just such an odd person that perhaps I don't deserve love?  Not worthy or something.  He makes me ill at this point with acting conciliatory.  But there's always the barb.  Unfortunately, his behavior has made me ultra sensitive to others.  Meaning that I have to simply realize that the people in the rest of my life don't know what I'm going through on a day by day basis and that their random remarks or behaviors really have very little to do with me.  That's hard because I am so very tender.  

Amazing how 20 years of being isolated has left me just that....without a safe harbor.  I wonder if that was intentional.  How he didn't allow me to go to the people to visit in TX.  How he didn't encourage those relationships for me.  Hmmmm.  And yet, now, he wants me to be close to people I don't know who he feels are somehow "on his side."  

I am lonely.  But while not ok with it I'll live.

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if I were not here.  Not like a death wish, but how people would relate and how it would be.  Today I realized that perhaps my husband would find the woman he actually loves and love her....dearly.  Maybe.  I don't know if he can.  But I have seen the potential.  The care.
I know it's weird, so I won't talk on it much, but the thought does cross my mind.  I wonder if he would be able to finally be happy.  What if I were to up and move (I won't....I adore my kids.) and give him the freedom to choose.  I know he would.  I know that he has that desire.
But, could he put himself aside?  I wonder.  Because if he could....then, I guess it means that it really is simply me.  How sad that is.
I love my family but this stress is pretty intense.  Makes me more tired than should be expected.  But, I'm going easier on the junk food.  Making a point to pay attention.  Now, I must exercise more.  More water.  More walking.  And I've gotta do some situps.  Because of me.  Not to make someone else happy.  Because I want to wear clothes I like.  I want to feel comfortable in my pants.  I want to feel more confident.  I don't.  My self esteem is suffering greatly.
One place in my life that I have leaned, and today I felt stupid.  Needed a hug so badly.  I just have such a hard time getting what I need.  I am so gun shy.  It's like I trust and yet I don't take anything forgranted.  I have good friends.  Yet, I wonder about so many things......
Like how I will be able to let him share them freely.  He does.  Ingratiates himself to others.  Always has.  Kills me now.  Knowing that I'm the oddball.  That I'm the one that people will view as wrong and strange.  I have to learn to hold my head up anyway.  To not give up.  To not worry about it.  But, the fact that there's not one person on this earth that is simply with me.....well, I guess that says it all.
Ok.  Gotta go before I cry.  Kids are here.

Sunday Morning

Put on my new dress.  To garden in.  Got ready to take the kids.  He decides that he is ready on time today and I don't need to make a second trip....I usually take the kids and he goes later.  To church.  Then he asks me what he should tell people about why I'm not at church.  Why I'm not in sunday school with him.  He asks me why.  He puts on that very innocent face that says, "I'm just so hurt and I don't understand why you aren't coming."  Funny, he never noticed I was gone until last week when he went to a sunday school class and people asked about me......and now that it's about him and what he has to say and how he feels, it matters.  Just so weird.
And people smile.  And judge.  And don't get it.  And still push to make it be how they want it.  And force issues.  And take sides.  And I want no part of it.  I don't have a need to pull apart the fragile place that the church body meets.  That would break my heart.  I would rather walk this road all on my own with God in the front than to pull down the other in my "family".  Remember that song, "though none go with me, still I will follow.....no turning back, no turning back."
Some days I just want to turn back and pretend.  But I can't because that time has passed.  There is no foundation.  It would be like deciding to live in a condemned, dilapidated house.  I tried ot build a house.  A sturdy one.  Then, later, I tired to do the remodel.  He just seems to like the illusion of what looks good.
I feel sad for him.  How he is going to tell his parents and family the whys of my not coming escapes me.  Divorce and separation are the BIG sins.  Right up there with mashing the potatoes wrong.  I mean, it's huge.  Bigger than lying or hating or anything else you can imagine.  Soooo....I'll just leave him to it.  Seeing as how they like him.
But, this is Sunday morning.  Used to be my favorite day.  There come those pesky tears again.  And why is it that I always have to cry alone....oh yeah, because otherwise I disrupt the comforting illusion that makes people feel good that I married the perfect man.  He'll tell you so himself.  All of those women in the past that would pick the losers when he was a "nice, normal" guy.......aaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!!  What a shame for them.  I got to take home the prize.  But, just like the carnivals, the prizes are not always what they seem.  Sometimes they turn out to be dangerous.  Sometimes they turn out to be cheap.  Sometimes they make you cry.  Yep.  No wonder I don't really play carnival games.  What was I thinking marrying someone 6 months after laying eyes on him?  Why didn't I have the guts to say, "nope."  There were those moments.  But, everyone was right there telling me how lucky I was.  How good he was.  What a blessing it was for someone like me.
Well, I guess he's the one that lost out.  Because the "someone like me" is back and she is sick of taking the crap.  She is not going to fight.  Not going to fuss.  But she damn well will stand.  Firmly.  Courageously.  And as beautifully as she can. ;)  Because goodness knows that when women feel unacceptable, they try harder to look good.  Why is that?
But this week was SSOOO hard.  And I ate like a pig and ballooned up like a bloated cow.  So, back to living MY life and not giving over that power.  Not letting him make me feel like forcing food into my gut to alleviate the empty hole.  The place that knows that I am not enough for him but that he would rather pretend than fail.  Bleck.  Hate it.
I need to get to doing my things around the house.  But, he's always here when I am now.   Ick.  I just want to have the freedom to breathe for awhile.  I want to paint.  And I want to enjoy.  And I want ot give blessings to people.  Even him.  He needs to go live his life and quit trying to make me be some other woman that would be more acceptable.  And he can go please his mama.  That brings him the most joy.
Ok, guess I've ranted enough.  Have a couple of hours of joyously empty house!!!  Thank you, God, for understanding my heart and my soul right where I am and how I am.  You are enough.

Good With the Bad

Today was a very nice day.  Except that part of it being nice meant that I fled my home.  Again.  I was only guilted once by my husband....about what I planned for dinner.  He just doesn't get it.
He opened my mail.  My credit card bill.  He made a point to let me know that he didn't know that I had a credit card.
I opened my goodwill purchases.  I was shaking.  Trying to be "nonchalant."  Feeling sick to my stomach. He scares me.  Not that he'll hit me.  Not that I would expect that.....it's something different.  A way of stealing peace as a means of control and punishment.
But I have to fight against that.  I have to learn to lean somewhere else.  The whole thing about the woman who wrote to me on facebook to make sure I was coming to the men's group retreat.....he allows me to be set up that way.  He makes it so that it's hard to say no.  But, I've practiced and it is getting easier.  I have spent so many years hoping that everyone would be happy with me.  Hoping that I wouldn't be a colossal failure.  Even now, it just feels like I suck.  Like there's no way that I am going to be allowed to be happy.
I set my mind for the long haul of getting my kids growed up.....yesterday.  To get them all to at least 18.  But boy, it seems like a million years.  Less than 5.  But so far off.  Yet, there's peace in knowing that I won't have to argue over kid stuff or anything like that.  But can I sleep in the living room for another three years while I await my fourth son to go to college?  Not so sure.  But I can't go back.
Not having anyone to talk to proves difficult on my heart, but at least I don't feel guilty about the constant bad mouthing.  But, feeling this pain all alone is not so great.
Can God be my stronghold when I am so finished with trying to please someone who is so completely mean to me?  Who can look at others and see but not me?  Who uses me.  Who simply doesn't bother to know me.  I don't know.  I think so.  He seems to hear when I pray.  He seems to comfort me.  But, I am not so proud as to say that I'm in the right.  I just think that He must realize how messed up this world is.
And I look and know that others will think that I should make it work.  That happiness isn't what life is about.  I get that.  But, peace, truth, hope, joy, love.....aren't those?  And frankly, I have found them scarce in this marriage.  I used to get out of the car and walk.  Go out of the room.  Try to simply survive.  Now, I realize that nothing I ever did reached him.  He has never cared if I was hurt or needy.  He just cares how he feels.  About if he has needs.  And I can't make anyone else understand that.  And, I don't have to.  My life.  My decisions.  My choices.  My mistakes.  My merits.  However it goes, I have to live purposefully and the best way that I can.  Not with the goal of making others get it.  But with the goal of His renown.  I hope that my life will be redeemed to do that.  Because I have allowed this hurt to go on for too long.  That can't be honoring.  Can it?
He has gathered allies.  He is popular.  How I will ever stand with my head up, I don't know.  But then, God is the lifter of my head.  He will be my portion.  My redeemer.  My comforter.
I still wish that I could just say to people that it's not so great.  Oh well.  Life is not always fair.  I am learning to live with it.

Out of the Woodwork

Funny how some people that I don't know that well out of the blue give me advice and wonder what God is teaching me.  On facebook.  It's weird.  It went something like this...
Hey _____! Hope your summer is going well and you are enjoying the time with your kido-s! Looking forward to having you and _____ come up to the cabin on the 23rd with the rest of the men's group. It will be nice to have some girl time too with all of the wives. Blessings for your weekend........... What is God teaching you these days?
You might wonder why that was "weird"...well, I have never had a conversation of substance with this woman.  I have heard her speak.  I have seen her.  She apparently is the wife of one of the men in my husband's secretish men's group.  I did respond that we wouldn't be there because he would be at a family reunion.  Creeped me out.  I responded:

• ____will be in Texas at a family reunion with a couple of the kids. So, I don't think he is going to make it. But, thank you for the invite.
• And, I am looking forward to a quiet, restful weekend.
• Hope that you are as well. 
• Oh, with some school stuff thrown into the mix and kid craziness that is the beauty of having teens.
• What is God teaching me? To wait for Him. His time. His wisdom. His plan. And.....that He does indeed have a plan.
• What about you?
  And then......back from her:
  Well, .............. feeling like I'm in the middle of a hurricane knowing the eye will come, then the storm will resume, then it will be all over, except the clean up! Dealing with issues of the past and my mode of operating with relationships that hurt and threaten. How I self protect and why, and what would God have me do. The family historical baggage and my own unhealthy ways of dealing with relationships that threaten me feel overwhelming at times and I just want to run. The reality that we pass on our wounds to our kids is not a happy thought for me. I hate the work, but I really want my kids to be free of these harmful patterns.......so..... onward we go. Other than that, birthday parties, reunions, showers, company, cabin things, watching animals, listening to the river, talking to God, praying for my kids, ..................how is that for starters? 
  Hmmm.  I wonder what they talk about in those men's meetings....and more, I wonder why it seems that someone I don't even know wants me to come and spend girl time with other "girls" that I am clueless about.  But, bottom line, I wouldn't go anyway.  I've already told him.  I guess he has just not mentioned it.  
  It hurts me that so few spend the time to get to know but seem to pry...not want to know me...but know how to fix things.  How to make me be the wife I should be.
  Today I realized that I will work hard to make it through the next few years.  I do not want any fighting or lawyers fees.  None.  I want to file and be done.  Don't want his dollars.  Don't want his "sorries."  I just want him to let me be.  To finally be able to breathe.  To not be anxious and distressed about his coming home or coming in when I'm trying to rest or go to sleep.  He looks in on me at night and it creeps me out.  I know that I'm married.  But he lost my trust.  And I won't even go into the reasons why......
  because it's the weekend and I'm going to relax.  

Rainy Days

Everyone says, "dance in the rain."  But, it seems to me that most people forget that the storms can be cold and that you get wet when you dance in the rain.  It has become a trite little saying that means little to some people other than having a happy attitude in the hard times.  Today it rained.  Stormed.  Came down hard.  And, what I have to say is that really dancing in the rain is freeing, a hard decision, not running from the wet cold feeling, but embracing the moment.  It's not easy.  It takes a decision.  A commitment.  But, it is truly wonderful.  It increases awareness.  Tingles the senses.  And, frankly, brings deep, silly laughter to the dancer....and probably to any who watch the antics.  But it's not trite. It's not easy to dance when things are hard.  It's easier to curl up with a book or a movie or just a blankie over my head.  To hide.  To step back instead of to step into it.  But, rain came today.  I danced. Now I need to remember to do it in the other times.  The "real" times.
Don't know if I can.  So beaten down.  And stressed that those around me get to have this good relationship with him...that he gets to keep having that even though he has been a butt head.  A true butt head.  And continues to be.  I mean, seriously, if he could ever face the fact that he blew it, it would go a long way.  Instead he is still intent on winning.  I'm not a prize.  I'm not to be won.  I won't be tricked again by the sob stories from now or his childhood.  I listen to him talk to his extended family now and I can tell that he is re-establishing bonds.  So they will stand by him.  When they speak of me, he allows the degrading.  Embraces it because it bolsters him.
So, this is my storm.  I've got to somehow get off of the couch and DANCE.  By getting a job.  By getting the clothes that make me feel prettier.  By doing the things that honor without malice but also without guilt.  What a fine line.
And I have to learn.  Simply have to learn....that the rhythm is changing.  I've never had much sense of rhythm.  So it's hard for me.  The rhythm will change as I not only have to let go of someone that I used to trust, but also of those who choose to stay with him.  To side with him.  To continue a close relationship with him.  And I can't begrudge them that.  I wish that I could make it all better for them.  I also wish that I had family or anybody that would be the person/people that I could tell my heart.  I just have to dance.  Even if I dance alone.