Painful

My husband came home yesterday.  He behaves as if nothing is wrong.  He asked me to kiss him.  I started to shake.  "Well, I don't want you to kiss me if you don't want to."  "you could hug me."  I felt the pressure.  I paused.  Then sat up to do it.  It too all I have.
Today he wanted me to go to a town a few miles away to meet up with the in-laws.  I didn't want to go.  At all.  It's always about him having to act like everything is ok.  Treats me all nice and as if nothing is wrong. It cuts deep.  I wasn't going to go.  I was going to exert my right to say no.  But, a friend said that it would be good for me to go.  To see the extended family.  I went.  But, before that, when I was in the front yard and he was saying, "it's almost time to go," I said that I had said maybe.  Then, I paused.  Then, I asked him why he wants me to pretend.  Why we couldn't have had the real thing.  Why he couldn't have cared enough about me to like me for who I am.  Why it didn't matter until he was going to "lose face".  Why my pain meant so little for all of the years that I tried to talk it through, tried to make it good.....and yet, now because he feels like he's going to lose, he wants to make it look better.  I asked him how it was that he doesn't like who I am, wants me to be more responsible, more like him, more what makes him happy.......but it has never been about if I am allowed to be happy.  I can keep the peace.  I am an expert.  I can make it look good.  I can make HIM look good.  I have.  I guess I still have to.  But, I told him that he already lost.  Because though I won't fight.  Though I'm here.....I do not have those feelings for him anymore.  I don't respect him anymore.  He lost my heart.  He crushed it.
Onlookers see the perfect man.  Even those closest.  And I have to get used to it.  I spent a lot of years making everything just right.  For everyone.  And honestly, a part of that I don't regret.  But it become painfully obvious that I don't register a blip on his radar as far as being as important as he is.  He is important to him.  He can't see how anyone else might feel.  How he hurts our kids.  How he has lost not because of how it looks but because there is no foundation.  There is no place to fall back and for me to think that he has my best interests at heart.
I told him what I had to say.  Then I went and visited with the relatives.  Endured the speech about how satanic facebook is and how wrong to use.  How 666 is used on computers.  It overwhelms me.  I smiled and chatted.  Something I hate to do.  Then came the speech on how the cross is a symbol but baptism is not.....my brother in law believes that if you are not baptized you are not saved.  He is the one who told me that if my children died before they made a choice to be baptized then they would go to hell.  Unredeemed.  Ok, then.  Then came the discussion of "why in the world did my son choose the university that he's going to go to."  Didn't seem to believe that it had excellent academic ratings.  Had to hear about another student who went away to a small christian university and then left there to go teach english in the czech republic and told her mom she's going to stay there.  Apparently that was awful.  But, I bit my tongue and smiled.  Hugged everyone goodbye.  Made nice for my kids.  Endured the looks when my nephew and wife were interested in teaching here and I was letting them in on some ideas.  Encouraging a child to make his own way was not acceptable.  Though he is married with a son.  Wow.
I told my husband today that I did a great job with our kids.  I don't regret any of that.  I'm sorry for where we are but it is where we are.  I told him that he should recognize how hard this is for me and how resolute I am to sleep in a living room with no privacy.....the woman who loves time to be quiet and alone.  That I don't picture being married in the future but that I know God can do anything.  And that living with him without our kids at home is not something I could bear.  So, I said it all.  AGAIN.  And I pointed out that I have to keep saying it.  And how hard that is.  Said it just over a week ago.
My very best friend I feel like a failure to.  Her husband was a complete a-hole.  I know I can't compare. I feel like an idiot even trying to talk to her.  And she is friends with my husband.  I have been encouraged by the counselor to do so.  But, I think that I can't do it.  I open my mouth to say, "please just hear me."  "Please just know that I have tried so hard to keep everyone ok."  "I'm just so done."
"So hurt."  "I don't know how to explain it without belittling him.  Without having you take sides.  So, I skirt the edges.  Make it about stupid stuff.  I'm so sorry.  I know that you are his friend.  I know that it's not my right to take that away.  But, the truth is, in this one place in my heart, I wish that I could know that you were my friend.  Mine mostly.  And since I can't ask that, I wonder if I'll lose you.  I wonder if you will not be able to understand since I can't fully explain.  But, regardless, right now, though I disappoint, I have to make sure that I begin to heal.  Or else I won't be around in any decent capacity for anyone in the future.  I care about you.  But, this is the road I am on.  I kept walking away from it for years.  Trying to make it all ok.  Like I said, I'm good at it.  I am not a quitter.  I am not hard hearted.  I just can't keep losing the woman I liked."
Yep, it's painful.  On every front.  But it's better to know that I'm heading in a direction.
grace to all....