Reasons

There are so many reasons in the world to make things work.  To put myself and my needs aside.  Thinking of it makes me cower down inside, but there are these parts of me that just don't want to cause any trouble.  To not cause any worries.  To simply shrink away and live a life that isn't good but that causes the least amount of trouble.
I look at others.  It's easy.  Put myself aside.  Tonight I just want freedom.
He messaged me a relationship confirmation on facebook.  aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!
Nobody knows how nuts it is making me.  How hard it is to try to become the normal person I should be in the midst of who he is.
He has hurt me so deeply and yet, sometimes, what I seem to hear is that it doesn't matter.  That I should just rally and make it work.  That the godly thing is to do so at all costs.
I don't know.  I am no scholar.  I just know that God has a plan.  That he meets me where I am and how I am.  That He never demands that  I pretend.  And I need that kind of life.
I look at how much hope there was in my heart and how crushed it is now.  I was looking at pics that make me cry.  I remember how much I wanted to be accepted.  How much I wanted to be chosen.  But he doesn't have that ability.  Even now, he just keeps bungling along acting as if tomorrow everything will be fine.   It's driving me crazy. How many ways do I have to say something?  But, I guess that I should not be surprised.  He has never been able to hear me.  I have tried so many different ways.
I spent so much time learning to compliment him, to say thank you.  Teaching our kids how to be respectful of how he works so hard for his family.  But he just has never seen me for those things.  He wants to make it work for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.
I told a counselor today that I didn't expect to be married for the next year.  I'm sure it shocked her.  Her face showed it.  It has been so long coming and I have spent so much time processing it.  Back at the beginning of this blog, it was so raw.  So full of all of the ugliness and pain.  Now, it's more of the journey.  More of how to make it.  More about pondering what to do.
Do I stay here and do as I am doing and keep the rest of the people's lives stable?  So many others who need this to be ok.  I wish it was ok.  I'm just not willing to go back to how it was.  And I don't trust him to make it better.  To care for my heart.  He always has to be the needy one.  The one to be taken care of.
I can't say that I know what to do.  I know that I worry my friends.  I know that nobody wants life to change.  It's uncomfortable.  But, I also know that I will honor those friendships and all commitments that I have made.  If I have to I'll sell this house and give him the money to go buy a house.  That would be hard.  Seems like a lot of changes for my kids.  But, he will need a place to live.  Or, I can take over payments of our rental house and not take any money from him......so that he can go buy a house of his own.  I know, seriously, I am still trying to work it out for him.
I have learned that the saddest place to get is not angry.  It's this place of numbness.  Of being unassociated.  He doesn't miss what he never bothered to know.  He keeps behaving as if it's all ok.  I have been telling him for years and years and years......I can't live like this.  Being the one to blame.  The one for whom he feels shame.  I'm just....done.  But, can I still stay here and make this work to keep the world on an even keel?  Maybe so.  I will try.  And I am strong.