Sadness and Joy

It's funny how sadness can be a part of joy.  That in the moments of feeling the joy of finally breathing, I can be sad that life isn't turning out how I dreamed and hoped.  In my dreams, I was enough.  And, frankly, in reality, I am enough too......it's just depending on who is making the valuation.  But, those little residual painful pockets exist even during these days of having some freedom.  I'm still sleeping in the living room.  But I am working on getting my things moved around and more convenient for myself.
Tomorrow I am bailing out of town to take my son and the extended fam to lunch/dinner for his birthday.  It's a good thing too because I don't want to sit home and risk having to entertain my in laws.  The very thought horrifies me.  So, I will have a good time without worrying.  No phone calls.  No drop ins.  I am so relieved.  Of course, they went right by our house today and didn't stop......so, maybe they aren't interested either.
Nobody tells you when you are young how complex life will be.  How difficult it will be to be true to who you are and yet giving and kind.  I never knew.  Never even dreamed.  I so looked forward to growing up. To being safe.  To being able to decide.
I still do.
Yep, there's that bit of the melancholy residing...but, overall, I am just happy for a very good day.