Put on my new dress. To garden in. Got ready to take the kids. He decides that he is ready on time today and I don't need to make a second trip....I usually take the kids and he goes later. To church. Then he asks me what he should tell people about why I'm not at church. Why I'm not in sunday school with him. He asks me why. He puts on that very innocent face that says, "I'm just so hurt and I don't understand why you aren't coming." Funny, he never noticed I was gone until last week when he went to a sunday school class and people asked about me......and now that it's about him and what he has to say and how he feels, it matters. Just so weird.
And people smile. And judge. And don't get it. And still push to make it be how they want it. And force issues. And take sides. And I want no part of it. I don't have a need to pull apart the fragile place that the church body meets. That would break my heart. I would rather walk this road all on my own with God in the front than to pull down the other in my "family". Remember that song, "though none go with me, still I will follow.....no turning back, no turning back."
Some days I just want to turn back and pretend. But I can't because that time has passed. There is no foundation. It would be like deciding to live in a condemned, dilapidated house. I tried ot build a house. A sturdy one. Then, later, I tired to do the remodel. He just seems to like the illusion of what looks good.
I feel sad for him. How he is going to tell his parents and family the whys of my not coming escapes me. Divorce and separation are the BIG sins. Right up there with mashing the potatoes wrong. I mean, it's huge. Bigger than lying or hating or anything else you can imagine. Soooo....I'll just leave him to it. Seeing as how they like him.
But, this is Sunday morning. Used to be my favorite day. There come those pesky tears again. And why is it that I always have to cry alone....oh yeah, because otherwise I disrupt the comforting illusion that makes people feel good that I married the perfect man. He'll tell you so himself. All of those women in the past that would pick the losers when he was a "nice, normal" guy.......aaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!! What a shame for them. I got to take home the prize. But, just like the carnivals, the prizes are not always what they seem. Sometimes they turn out to be dangerous. Sometimes they turn out to be cheap. Sometimes they make you cry. Yep. No wonder I don't really play carnival games. What was I thinking marrying someone 6 months after laying eyes on him? Why didn't I have the guts to say, "nope." There were those moments. But, everyone was right there telling me how lucky I was. How good he was. What a blessing it was for someone like me.
Well, I guess he's the one that lost out. Because the "someone like me" is back and she is sick of taking the crap. She is not going to fight. Not going to fuss. But she damn well will stand. Firmly. Courageously. And as beautifully as she can. ;) Because goodness knows that when women feel unacceptable, they try harder to look good. Why is that?
But this week was SSOOO hard. And I ate like a pig and ballooned up like a bloated cow. So, back to living MY life and not giving over that power. Not letting him make me feel like forcing food into my gut to alleviate the empty hole. The place that knows that I am not enough for him but that he would rather pretend than fail. Bleck. Hate it.
I need to get to doing my things around the house. But, he's always here when I am now. Ick. I just want to have the freedom to breathe for awhile. I want to paint. And I want to enjoy. And I want ot give blessings to people. Even him. He needs to go live his life and quit trying to make me be some other woman that would be more acceptable. And he can go please his mama. That brings him the most joy.
Ok, guess I've ranted enough. Have a couple of hours of joyously empty house!!! Thank you, God, for understanding my heart and my soul right where I am and how I am. You are enough.
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