A three day weekend

I should have slept in this morning, but my mind keeps wondering what I can be off and doing.  Wow.  That's too bad.  To not feel pressed.  To not feel troubled.
Yesterday I bought my son a phone.  I wonder how that's going to go over.  It was not expensive.  He'll be 15 soon.  And, the service is available because a friend has an open line.  But, though he might or might not tell ME, I'm afraid of what he'll say to his son.  Hope he is kind and excited for him.
I like this weekend.  Want to celebrate freedom.  Not from a person so much.  It's hard to explain.  From manipulation.  From shaming.  From feeling like a total failure in his eyes.  Just not living with it day to day.  It's so draining.  Yet, maybe this is just how it needs to be right now.  The whole world looks on and seems to think I'm so lucky.  Maybe I am a horrible person.  Even if I am, this horrible person needs to learn to breathe and stand and live and enjoy WITHOUT feeling constant, gnawing guilt.
So, I will keep trying, within my circumstances to do so.  Because maybe....well....I'm afraid I think.  That because he's so popular that when I finally stand up I'm going to be left out of the friendships.  That I'm the one that is going to be facing the snickering and whispering.  Seems nearly as wearisome as this. And, I don't want it to hurt my kiddos.
So, I get up to face another day.  Embracing it as wholeheartedly as I can.  Cherishing.  Determining to live.