Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if I were not here.  Not like a death wish, but how people would relate and how it would be.  Today I realized that perhaps my husband would find the woman he actually loves and love her....dearly.  Maybe.  I don't know if he can.  But I have seen the potential.  The care.
I know it's weird, so I won't talk on it much, but the thought does cross my mind.  I wonder if he would be able to finally be happy.  What if I were to up and move (I won't....I adore my kids.) and give him the freedom to choose.  I know he would.  I know that he has that desire.
But, could he put himself aside?  I wonder.  Because if he could....then, I guess it means that it really is simply me.  How sad that is.
I love my family but this stress is pretty intense.  Makes me more tired than should be expected.  But, I'm going easier on the junk food.  Making a point to pay attention.  Now, I must exercise more.  More water.  More walking.  And I've gotta do some situps.  Because of me.  Not to make someone else happy.  Because I want to wear clothes I like.  I want to feel comfortable in my pants.  I want to feel more confident.  I don't.  My self esteem is suffering greatly.
One place in my life that I have leaned, and today I felt stupid.  Needed a hug so badly.  I just have such a hard time getting what I need.  I am so gun shy.  It's like I trust and yet I don't take anything forgranted.  I have good friends.  Yet, I wonder about so many things......
Like how I will be able to let him share them freely.  He does.  Ingratiates himself to others.  Always has.  Kills me now.  Knowing that I'm the oddball.  That I'm the one that people will view as wrong and strange.  I have to learn to hold my head up anyway.  To not give up.  To not worry about it.  But, the fact that there's not one person on this earth that is simply with me.....well, I guess that says it all.
Ok.  Gotta go before I cry.  Kids are here.