The Reality Is....

I called for the last time to leave a message with a counselor today.  That makes 5 calls that I've left messages plus two where I did not.  So.....you see, I have given the effort.  I have only so much emotional energy to give to such a task.  It's like I run pretty empty and the smallest things make life even harder. It's sad, but a reality of my current state.  I can't keep hoping and trying to hope for this "safe place."  It feels like it doesn't exist for me.
The thing is that in reality, I'm learning and coping without a counselor.  I am accepting my responsibility.  I am learning that I am the only one that can decide for me.  Though my husband thinks that he can.
I am slowly growing stronger and learning to take care of myself.  I am wading through the years of memories, hurts and good things, to find truth and balance.
Emotionally, I am a pretty healthy person.  At this point.  Awhile back, I was a complete wreck.  Facing life with him forever felt like a death sentence.  It overwhelmed every piece of my being.  It had been mounting for so many years and it finally had nearly completely covered me.  I was drowning.  But, now, I am learning to take care of me.  Learning to say what I need.  Learning to do what I need.  Learning that even the hard things are possible.  Like when he corners me with, "but, I love you."  And I don't respond with the same words.  I know what he is doing.  I am wiser.  Not cynical, simply, I realize the pattern and I don't want to play it anymore.  I'm done with that part of life.
I need to find good work.  I wonder what God has for me.  Maybe I'm not a great teacher?  Maybe it's some other direction?  I'm not really sure, but I know that I want to do it.  I want to move forward.  I want to put time and energy into growing into a person that I am proud of.
The reality is that I want to be a positive, happy, adventurous, fun loving person.  Though I'm not a party animal nor a crowd lover.  I like quiet times.  I like the computer and writing.  I like pondering.  I am not the person that my husband wants, and I want to quit heading in a direction to please him and more in a direction where I can actually like myself.  The reality is that I like getting to decide.  I have spent too long trying to please.  Trying to conform.  Trying to keep peace.  Trying to make sure that everything looks good and that everyone understands him.  I have been an interpreter for our children and I won't be anymore.  That's what I know.  I know that I need to have a life.  A real life.  That I need to learn how to be happy.  For real.  Not just trying to look happy to keep things ok.
This week was supposed to be good having him gone.  And, there is some relief.  Except it's like living under a sentence.....because he's coming back soon.  That thought totally overwhelms me and paralyzes me.  I have so much I want to do, but I'm so scattered as to where to start because I won't be able to finish.  Because I might get tired.  Or run into a problem.  So, I'm afraid to start.  Afraid.  That's it.  I'm tired of living afraid.