Jobs

I love teaching this summer.  I adore the school that I am at.  I had an interview there for a full time position yesterday.  It was an ok interview.  I used to be a confident interviewer.  Try as I might now, my confidence isn't what it once was.  I get nervous and have trouble remembering what is important to me to say......I have been beaten down more than I knew.  I mean, I knew it, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to overcome.  I tried so hard to be calm yesterday.  To simply pray and do my best.  But, there was this part of me whispering that I wasn't good enough. That they wouldn't want me.  That there were 163 applicants and I wouldn't even make the top three.
BUT, I did get an interview.  And a lot of people didn't.  And I did get a chance to say what I needed to.  Though I kind of have a hard time talking about my good points.  It is so hard.  LIke sickeningly hard.  I want to be better.  I want to live and grow and feel like I'm worth it.
I wish that I could just walk away from him.  Just say good bye.  He is not healthy for me.  He is dependent but not uplifting.  And...frankly, I see how he treats others......hmmm.....perhaps he would be happier with them?  I don't wish him bad.  I don't wish him to be unhappy or miserable.  Well, ok, I have thought that if he ever did die of the coronary that supposedly he's going to have (he says) then it would be a lot easier to deal with than a divorce.  Losing a spouse to death is religiously acceptable.  To divorce, it's shameful.  Yikes.  My live has become something I don't want it to be.  And I've said so.  Told him what I want.
But, if I can't even get a job and I don't want his money.....
well, maybe I need to look other places.  Maybe I need to consider what else I can or could do.  I don't want to uproot the kids.  Though I could use a change of scenery.  I can manage to get them raised.  I just need to work.
Oh, please, God.....the right job for me.....let them see the way I can teach and now how I interview.