Gone

My husband left yesterday with one of our kids to go to his family reunion.  I am glad that they have the reunion.  I am glad that he is gone.  It has taken a full 24 hours to realize that he is gone and I have some time.  My first instinct is to rush around and do all of my stuff.  But, I want to savor the moments.  Do what I need to do.  Enjoy each unstressed breath.
But, I am a little bit irritated because his brother and sister in law and nephew and his wife and her parents and the baby are going to be near our home this weekend and he told them that they could stop by on Sunday.  I really need time.  Not to have to be strong or answer tough questions or play nice.  I need time to breathe.  Besides, my one son will be 20 this week and we were going to go out to a restaurant with our local gang.  I just can't do this.  So, I'm going to have to say so if they call.  And be unavailable if they come?  He said that they were going to go to church with us.....great, but his brother hates going to our church.  Always complains.  We aren't Lutheran and his view is that nothing else will do......ssssoooo.....AWKWARD.
But, I can be strong enough to deal with that.
I also want to paint and do some things I want done around the house.  Strangely, my husband left a huge amount of instructions regarding "his" garden....to water and not to let it die.  Snort.  We won't.   But, I couldn't believe that he was able to ask it knowing that he doesn't give a rip about what I need.  Oh well.  That is why I am where I am.
I was wondering today why I'm not so angry but I realized that it's because I quit caring.  I gave up.  I put in so much for so long and finally I just couldn't anymore.  That must be hard for him.  Because no matter what he does, I'm not up for being "won" back.  I had to get to this stage.  I had to finally feel safe.  Too many years of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Too much time of wondering what would be the next thing that I did wrong.
On to happier moments.