Rainy Days

Everyone says, "dance in the rain."  But, it seems to me that most people forget that the storms can be cold and that you get wet when you dance in the rain.  It has become a trite little saying that means little to some people other than having a happy attitude in the hard times.  Today it rained.  Stormed.  Came down hard.  And, what I have to say is that really dancing in the rain is freeing, a hard decision, not running from the wet cold feeling, but embracing the moment.  It's not easy.  It takes a decision.  A commitment.  But, it is truly wonderful.  It increases awareness.  Tingles the senses.  And, frankly, brings deep, silly laughter to the dancer....and probably to any who watch the antics.  But it's not trite. It's not easy to dance when things are hard.  It's easier to curl up with a book or a movie or just a blankie over my head.  To hide.  To step back instead of to step into it.  But, rain came today.  I danced. Now I need to remember to do it in the other times.  The "real" times.
Don't know if I can.  So beaten down.  And stressed that those around me get to have this good relationship with him...that he gets to keep having that even though he has been a butt head.  A true butt head.  And continues to be.  I mean, seriously, if he could ever face the fact that he blew it, it would go a long way.  Instead he is still intent on winning.  I'm not a prize.  I'm not to be won.  I won't be tricked again by the sob stories from now or his childhood.  I listen to him talk to his extended family now and I can tell that he is re-establishing bonds.  So they will stand by him.  When they speak of me, he allows the degrading.  Embraces it because it bolsters him.
So, this is my storm.  I've got to somehow get off of the couch and DANCE.  By getting a job.  By getting the clothes that make me feel prettier.  By doing the things that honor without malice but also without guilt.  What a fine line.
And I have to learn.  Simply have to learn....that the rhythm is changing.  I've never had much sense of rhythm.  So it's hard for me.  The rhythm will change as I not only have to let go of someone that I used to trust, but also of those who choose to stay with him.  To side with him.  To continue a close relationship with him.  And I can't begrudge them that.  I wish that I could make it all better for them.  I also wish that I had family or anybody that would be the person/people that I could tell my heart.  I just have to dance.  Even if I dance alone.