Tender of Heart

There are aha moments when I realize that people don't have a clue that I have a very tender heart.  Toward children, toward spiritual matters, toward people in general.  That is why this time of life is so hard.  I like to be tender hearted.  I like to make things better.  I like peace and I like to see people be comforted and happy.  But.  I know.  I never used to allow myself the BUT.......not at any cost.  Though I believe that it is good and right and spiritual to lay down my life, to put others first, to see to their needs as I would my own, God never intended for it to be INSTEAD of my own.  He never meant for me to cease existing so that another person could shine....He wants that only for himself.  That I would allow Him to shine.  His needs. His desires.  AHA.
And that has never happened in my marriage.  He has a lack of his own goals and his lists of do nots are immense.  Without a doubt, if you could work your way into heaven, he'd be a ten thousand miles ahead of me.  Unfortunately for him, ten thousand miles is a drop in the bucket toward true perfection and Godliness....soooo.....we are both in the same boat.  Need a redeemer.  But the thing is that I accept that redeemer as enough.  Don't feel like I have to negotiate and work harder to make things better.  I simply have to hang onto His truth that Jesus was enough to cover ALL of my life.  The bad.  The things I view as "good".....which, maybe aren't really good.
I need to step back and take time.  I need to learn once again what it is to hear the voice of my Father.  He called me when I was very young.  He walked with me for so long.  And then......even in that I began to struggle.  To have to perform.  To feel as if I weren't doing enough.  Wasn't a good enough wife.  Wasn't meeting his needs well enough.  He has questioned my spiritual walk a few times.  Wondered why I've become so hard hearted.  It's not hard...it's resolved.  I am resolved to no longer allow him to strip me of my identity in Jesus.  Though I may not look it or seem it or have it all together, I have been redeemed.  Bought.  Treasured.  Counted worthy.  And I don't have anything to prove.  There is no report card.  There is simply learning to love and walk with the One who paid the price.  Of learning to keep on walking the path.  Even a child can do it.
My heart is so tender.  And lately it has been tragically pained.  It's as if I can't see any worth in me because of how he has treated me.  Because of what he has done to me.  Because of what he thinks of me.  But....oh yeah....he doesn't get to determine my value.  Thanks be to God!!!!