Today was a very nice day. Except that part of it being nice meant that I fled my home. Again. I was only guilted once by my husband....about what I planned for dinner. He just doesn't get it.
He opened my mail. My credit card bill. He made a point to let me know that he didn't know that I had a credit card.
I opened my goodwill purchases. I was shaking. Trying to be "nonchalant." Feeling sick to my stomach. He scares me. Not that he'll hit me. Not that I would expect that.....it's something different. A way of stealing peace as a means of control and punishment.
But I have to fight against that. I have to learn to lean somewhere else. The whole thing about the woman who wrote to me on facebook to make sure I was coming to the men's group retreat.....he allows me to be set up that way. He makes it so that it's hard to say no. But, I've practiced and it is getting easier. I have spent so many years hoping that everyone would be happy with me. Hoping that I wouldn't be a colossal failure. Even now, it just feels like I suck. Like there's no way that I am going to be allowed to be happy.
I set my mind for the long haul of getting my kids growed up.....yesterday. To get them all to at least 18. But boy, it seems like a million years. Less than 5. But so far off. Yet, there's peace in knowing that I won't have to argue over kid stuff or anything like that. But can I sleep in the living room for another three years while I await my fourth son to go to college? Not so sure. But I can't go back.
Not having anyone to talk to proves difficult on my heart, but at least I don't feel guilty about the constant bad mouthing. But, feeling this pain all alone is not so great.
Can God be my stronghold when I am so finished with trying to please someone who is so completely mean to me? Who can look at others and see but not me? Who uses me. Who simply doesn't bother to know me. I don't know. I think so. He seems to hear when I pray. He seems to comfort me. But, I am not so proud as to say that I'm in the right. I just think that He must realize how messed up this world is.
And I look and know that others will think that I should make it work. That happiness isn't what life is about. I get that. But, peace, truth, hope, joy, love.....aren't those? And frankly, I have found them scarce in this marriage. I used to get out of the car and walk. Go out of the room. Try to simply survive. Now, I realize that nothing I ever did reached him. He has never cared if I was hurt or needy. He just cares how he feels. About if he has needs. And I can't make anyone else understand that. And, I don't have to. My life. My decisions. My choices. My mistakes. My merits. However it goes, I have to live purposefully and the best way that I can. Not with the goal of making others get it. But with the goal of His renown. I hope that my life will be redeemed to do that. Because I have allowed this hurt to go on for too long. That can't be honoring. Can it?
He has gathered allies. He is popular. How I will ever stand with my head up, I don't know. But then, God is the lifter of my head. He will be my portion. My redeemer. My comforter.
I still wish that I could just say to people that it's not so great. Oh well. Life is not always fair. I am learning to live with it.
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