It's easy to bring the garbage along with me in my life. The stuff that my husband has done. Or not done, as the case may be. But the thing is that we just don't match. I do not meet his expectations. I do not fulfill his desires. And, when I try, it so goes against who I am that it is like a wrecking ball going through my very soul. And, I could stay. Work some more. Work harder. But in so doing, I believe that I build up bitterness and store away my pain.
It is in this letting go time that I am learning to forgive. Learning that I don't have to be angry or irritated in order to want to be free. That I am allowed to have feelings and emotions and needs and desires. That my dreams and ways of doing things need not be diminished. I am not responsible for someone else's behavior. Nor for making them look good. It does not reflect badly on me if he behaves badly.
I am LEARNING....present tense....not have learned. And it is quite a journey. But it is a journey of saying good bye. I realize this more and more as time goes by. As much as I hate doing it. As awful as I feel. This life is dangerous. It sucks away joy and hope like the sun soaks up the sprinkles of rain. And...over time....my life has become nearly a desert.
I want to travel. To live near the ocean...or, nearer, at any rate. I want to teach so that I have months to travel. I want to use and have extra money to do so. Even if it means skimping on other things. I want to have beauty in my home but not necessarily complete tidiness. I want to feel free to breath. And live. And to not always be doing the wrong thing.
And if he calls me dear again, I shall absolutely choke. I have been pleasant. Kind. Say good morning etc. But, there is no relationship. And I do not have what it takes to build one. I spent 20 years trying to give him that. Trying to build where he tore down. Trying to make something deep and meaningful where he was content with superficial and fake. And I can't do it anymore. It's time for me to go on and live my life. With the accent on LIVE. I've been so into pleasing. Into melting into his world and his desires. Whether it was what to eat, where to go or about sex. I became a non-entity. And, in this standing up of me, he feels confused. Because I won't go back to how it was. He wants me to make his world right by staying and accepting that it is my lot in life. That a good christian woman would not even think of walking away. Then, I'm not good. But, I am christian. And loved by my Creator. My daddy....who adores me though I have never come close to being like Him. And that will have to be enough. The fact that He sees where I am and weeps. That He knows how I have been used. Abused. Not hit. Nope, he wouldn't stoop to that. That would be "wrong".....besides, he knows that I'd call the police. But the constant guilt. The constant reminders about money and how I am not frugal enough. The constant viewing of my shortcomings. Well, good news....he won't have to do it anymore.
I wonder sometimes if God will punish me. Seriously. You'd think I was Catholic. That maybe He will keep me from success or keep me from prospering. I wonder. That's what I hear at church. That's what I hear from some really good people But, I am learning to know Him a little bit better. He doesn't just see the outward signs of divorce. He sees the inward. My husband divorced me a long time ago. And though nobody else may see, God does. And He weeps for it. But, He is not out to get back at EITHER of us. My husband will answer and so will I, but not because of punishment. Because God is holy and has to burn away sin.
So, here I am. Trying to figure out how to leave the badness of it all behind me. To learn to see what was good and cling to that. And move on. I used to do that while trying to STAY. But, it just gets worse and worse. He has been different in a creepy way lately. Trying to make me think that he is different. But, he's not.
He leaves on a trip in a few days. I can't wait. Wish it were longer.
But, how do you tell someone after 20 years that you are done? And have them accept it? Because I've tried and he simply refuses to allow me my choices. Guess I should pray on it. Timing. Wording.
Remember, others walk where you are walking. No matter how rough the road gets, yo uare worth loving.
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