Home Alone

One son went to a friend's house.  Two others are at church.  Husband at choir.  Me?  I'm home....planning on sleeping very soon.  I need a good night's sleep.  I am exhausted beyond belief.  It's about all I can think about.  Tired.  Besides for the weary. The not having a good night's sleep simply wears me down.  I sure liked my trip to the coast.  Slept in a bed.  SLEPT.  Loved that.  Really.  It felt so very good.  Went to bed at night.  Read.  Wrote.  Fell asleep when I wanted.  Didn't have to turn off the light and cover my head and fake so that I wouldn't be bothered.  It was really good.  Perhaps that is what has made coming home so hard.  That and all of the stuff that there is to face.
But, there is hope.  And I can choose to enjoy these little moments.  I am going to sleep early, I hope.  Yes, it's because I want to be asleep when he arrives...but, being alone and in a quiet house and having it dark...quite nice.  I'll take the good things to heart.  And hold the others at a distance.
grace to you.

Trauma and Drama

You know, I don't like drama.  It's so....wearing.  What's the use?  Why not just do what you need to do?  Say what you need to say?  And move on.  I don't get it.  But, my life seems to be a private drama these days.  It's like I have to live through things that get me stirred up.  That hurt me.  That make me have to continuously be on guard or feeling exposed.
And yet, there is a part of me that is simply very thankful.  I am thankful that I finally see.  That I finally get it and know that it's NOT normal.  That what I have been living through is not what should be expected of me.  Not at all.  That I have a right to expect peace.  Calm.  Acceptance.  Kindness.
I'll tell you.........the emails are going to be tough right now.  A lot to work through.  A lot to figure out.  Need to set dates.  Plans.  Money.  It's hard work.  It's painful.  Anywhere that he has felt me giving an inch, he rushes in with another three or four things that he wants......it all comes down to him wanting to continue to rule and control my life.  Give me space but not really.  Say the words but stay present.  And in our kids' lives, yes!  In mine, no!  And every email has to have a little dig at how he wants to be together.  Rip off the bandage.  Rip off the scab.  Let me bleed.  Hard to heal when he won't let me be on that front.  He still wants what he wants.
And he pulled out the big guns with using his father.  His dad will turn 80 this summer.  And his dad has been kind to me.  And I won't be going to TX for the party.  And husband says that he doesn't know how his dad is going to take it (our separation) because he always liked me.  And I want to say..."well, just tell him how lousy you treated me and allowed me to be treated."  Just tell him what a jerk you've been....I edited to jerk out of kindness. ;)  But it was used against me.  "Look what you are causing."  And it's true.  I am stopping something that should have stopped a long time ago.  I asked for it to stop.  I begged.  I explained.  I wept.  But he had no interest.  None.  Making it good had no place....until it became inconvenient for him.  And suddenly, he wishes it were better.  Wow?   Really?  Or just because it's about him?  I think that the second is true.  He wants what is good for him.  And I am good at making him feel safe, secure, encouraged.Not lately though.  And he wants that back.  He wants that good part of me for himself.  And that's just too bad.
I don't like that he has forced me into building a wall, but build it I will.  Because, for now, I need to be safe and sheltered.  I need to be cautious to whom I raise the gate.  Not a hardened heart....a kept heart.  By the Keeper of hearts.  I will be safe.  And he won't like it.  But, he's going to have to adjust.
grace to you.

The Right Words

He is emailing the right words.  And it hurts.  Because with it he is also prodding me to give him an in.  To work on an us.  He is telling me I'm the right woman.  And I feel...kinda sick.  I don't feel better, I feel......like if that's so then why only when you think that you have lost everything.  I said that I thought that we could do big family events still...he wants much more.  It'll all work, but I am shaky and have a headache...yet, he is using good words so I should be feeling good?  I don't get it.  And how come now?  And why does it make me shudder?  Like when it feels like someone is watching you.  Weird feeling.
Sometimes what would have been the right words at some point in time are not the right words in this moment.  He wants to keep friends.  I get that.  He wants to be the guy who stays.  I get that.  But he doesn't get that I can't give him what he is asking for.  I can't steal back all of those years.  I can't somehow magic away the fact that he has disregarded my needs, dreams, hopes and self for so very long.  And I can't promise to make it better.
Why is it always at night???? AAAArrrrrggggghhhhhh.  Have to sleep.  Need to work.  So uptight.  Gotta rest.  Pray.  Remember.....I don't have to figure it out.  I'm not in control.  I just need to rest.  And take it one step at a time.
grace.

Left Hanging

For all of my marriage it seems that battles go like this:
If I have something to say, I say it.  A need.  A hurt.  Then, hours go by of how I'm unfair, didn't word it right, didn't think about it enough (ha...that's impossible for me) , am being unkind, am being unfair, am being hard hearted.  A game of twisting words ensues.  I am worn down.  I am absolutely at my most vulnerable and then he "gives in"....cries, apologizes, says he loves me.  And I am left having to be the one to make it right.  And, that happened today on a grander scale.  He responded well to my email.  Says he'll do it.  Even if he has to stay up late since he works so late, he will let me know ideas about church, kids etc.  And that he will look for a place to stay.  And I am left.....deflated?  Like I had to fight so hard.  Push so long.  Beg.  Plead.  Then it's just left for me to see how good he is being.
And....what I really realized was the other part of the story.  When he does that, when it is all over.  I fix it.  Normally, I would have said, "no, that's alright, you don't have to figure that out." or, "no need for you to stay up late after you worked."  But this time, though I did email back, I am letting him follow through.  I did say that I don't expect him to make all of the sacrifices.  That I don't expect that we have to go to different churches...though, I might end up needing to....that I am willing to be creative with how to meet the kids' needs.  I thanked him.  And I'll let him look for a place.  I didn't send him ideas.  Or links.  Though I have several that I've already looked at.  I'm used to being the protector/caretaker.  And I need not to be.  This is part of what needs to grow and change.  And he can do it.  I know he can.
I talked to someone today about doing furniture for her shop.  I like doing it.  And, with the house a place that I can function, I think that I could do it.  Not sure how fast I'll recover and feel up to it, but I have had the urge to do some furniture creating.  Seems like it is time.  And maybe it will provide me with some money too.   Right now I am just trying to be positive.  Trying to figure out how to provide for my family when the education I have is a couple of decades old.  But with subbing and perhaps a little test grading on the side, I think that I'll be ok.  I know that I've always been taken care of by my Father.  I guess a part of me is scared that He won't want to help me through this.  It's like I carry this baggage about whether He will still love me.  Though I've come to the place that I see how much deeper and greater His grace is than I can imagine or believe.  I still.......struggle with it.  Because I know that I do not in any way deserve it.  It is simply His gift to me.
So, he answered.  I am happy about it.  And have that left hanging feeling simply because I have had to give so much emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual energy to the whole thing.  And then he just reverses.  It's something that messes with my brain.  And my heart.  But, at least now I recognize it.  And I can remind myself that it's not mine to fix.  Or explain.  Or even completely understand.  Mine is to get through this.  To learn again how to love the woman I am.  To give her a chance to sparkle.  Right now she feels pretty tarnished and shabby.  But the thing is....I always see the beauty in the tarnished silver.  It appeals to me.  So, I think that I will be able to be ok.
I do wish he wasn't coming here tonight.  It makes me antsy.  It's so very hard to go through this with him in the same house.  Killer.  Painful in a huge way.  But, if nothing else, I am learning how strong I am.
grace to you.

email to a spouse

Husband,

I have given your notes, your words, your actions, your desires, your hopes, your wants a lot of thought.  Agonized.  Prayed.  And I understand what you are asking.  I understand your point of view.  But, it does not work for me.

It has been too long.  At this point in time,  I need to focus on healing me and not be pushed to be healing the relationship.  I don't mean it unkindly, but the relationship weight has always fallen on me.  I have always had to make it work.  I have had to become someone else or change who I am.  The ways in which you have treated me run so deeply that it's not a quick fix.  And being in the same house is truly destroying me.  My health is suffering more than ever.  My sleep is worse than ever.  Because you disregard it when I tell you what I want and what I need and how I feel.  It simply becomes a negotiation.  And I don't have it in me to keep on negotiating.  

While I understand how you feel about the kids and both of us being here, I believe that we can handle it maturely and kindly if we choose to.  We can both let them know that both parents love them all and that this affects them but isn't about them.  I believe that living apart can be healthier for them at this point in life.  The stress level will reduce in their parents.  Our attention will be able to be more centered on them and how to make good decisions for them.  Kids all over the world have parents that live apart for various reasons.  They are not destroyed.  What destroys is having to try to choose or always feeling panicky wondering what is happening.  I feel like that is what is happening right now.  

I don't want to battle.  Yet, I can't give in to what you are asking.  Your being here hurts me.  You have hurt me.  And I can't say when or how I will heal, but I can say that I need a chance to do so.  I can't give you promises of when I will or if I will be ready to work on us....because an us needs to be two I's and I feel like I disappeared.  When I express what I need or how I feel, you simply disregard it and tell me how I should be feeling.  Or that my words are not worded right.  Or that it's not fair to hurt you.  You are not a safe place for me to share who I am, what I hope to become or how I feel.  And honestly, you never have been.  Our life has revolved around you.  You would let me say my stuff, but you were really only engaged and active when it had to do with you.  I know that these things hurt, but these things must be addressed....not by us, but by you.  I have my own things to address and learn to do better.  

Your being here is hurting me.  I've said it over and over.  I've asked you to leave.  I've told you what I need.  I've been as clear as I know how to be.  But you have had to deal with it with having your options.  Let me tell you about your latest option and how it feels to me.  Moving into the boys' room initially struck me as a bad idea, but I didn't know why, so I camped on it, thought about it and worked it through.  It means that they would be giving up privacy that high school boys deserve.  It means that you would "own" the room.  That just seems off.  Yet, I gave it so much thought and prayer because of the person that I am.  I thought, "oh look, he's trying to help and do something and I need to be kind and try to meet him partway."  But do you understand that you didn't really meet my needs at all with that offer?  It didn't address how day to day life would work.  How the boundaries would look.  How church would work.  It didn't address how we would communicate about the children.  How life could get to a normal state.  A new normal.  It didn't address the space and separation that I've asked for.  All it gave me was a room.  It didn't honor the needs of MY heart that I've laid bare before you though it is a very painful place.  Though I feel like a failure.  It didn't address what is happening and how bad things are, what it mostly addressed was how you hope that everything will be better between us.  

Frankly, a letter like that years ago would have gone a long way.  If you could have heard me then.  Remember when I said "Our youngest has six years to go and then I'm done...."?  Well, now she only has four more years.  Two whole years have gone by.  There has been no action.  There has been no change.  You are working on you but what you don't understand is that there is no indication in the way you hear me or respond to my needs.  We are not equal partners.  In order for things to work, I have to give up what I need or feel.  And for a long time, I regarded that as my christian duty.  But I am to die to Christ.  Not to Husband.  I am to live abundantly.  Joyfully.  Fully.  But I can't.  You want me, but it doesn't feel like a good kind of wanting.  It feels like you want to keep me like a bird in a cage and see me or admire me when you want to but never let me do as I was created to do and be.   You want to hear me sing.  You want me to make you feel good.  And the thing is....I wanted those things to.  That is who I am.  I LIKE bringing pleasure to people.  It blesses me.  But with you.....it began to harm me.  Because it came at the cost of being able to be myself.  

So....all you can do is ask forgiveness?  That you have done.  And I have told you.  I DO forgive you.  But I will not forget.  And I will not live this way anymore.  I CAN'T live this way anymore.  As odd as it is, when praying, I know that moving forward is the way that God is leading me.  Not in an unkind way, but in order to show you compassion.  Because if we were to continue living in this way, eventually I would only hate you.  I would become a bitter wreck of a woman.  As it is, I am grievously wounded.  I must heal.  I don't know how to make you understand.  Therein lies the problem.  This is exactly why I need the separation.  Because I can't ever get through with my deepest feelings.  I don't know how to make you hear me.  And it is driving me crazy to hear how you love me yet feel how you disregard me.  They don't mesh.  So I am begging you to find somewhere as soon as possible to stay.  Friend's houses.  Hotel.  That is your job to figure out and yet I keep trying to.  And when we get a tax refund, we will find you a house or an apartment with a pool....that would be fun with the kids.   But I'm asking for you to do it absolutely as quickly as possible.  Each day is wearing on me.  And pushing me further away.  Because each day makes me know how you are not hearing me nor seeing me.  

I am sorry for you to have to read this.  I hurt for you.  I know that it will cut deeply.  And I have wished you no pain.  It is why I cover for you, protect you, sacrifice my feelings instead of yours.  Please help me in making this as easy for the kids as possible.  Please.  

wife

How Scrabble Works

Scrabble is a really fun game.  It challenges the mind with vocabulary obviously, but also with strategy.  Playing on good spots is paramount.  One letter played greatly can yield more points than five or six letters played.  But, there's another part too....you have to be willing to block.  To take less points sometimes in order to keep the other person/people from utilizing a great spot.  Keeping the board "tight" also helps...that means playing things really close together and leaving as few intersection places as possible.
I like Scrabble.  Yet, I enjoy it for the fun. For the pretty words that come out that we don't see that often.  I enjoy the competition.  Somehow though, I like best to open the board.  To play in a giving way.  Which kinda defeats the competition, right?
But not really.  By playing those longer words and keeping the board open, it helps me as well.  And the thing is that I enjoy the "pretty" words.  So, I play to win.  Unless I find that I simply care more about "winning" in beauty or keeping the board open.  I get to choose.
In my life as well.  I get to choose.
grace to you.

Taking Time

I'm glad that I have been and am taking my time with my "process".  Though it's crazy hard too.  I need the time to grieve.  It washes over me sometimes when I least expect it.  Grieving continuing to try if nothing else.  It's just a hard thing.  And yet, the more time I take, the more certain I am.  I kind of thought that I would back out, back up or change my mind.  But I more and more completely see that how I have been living is unhealthy.  And, I see the good ahead.  Yes, even for my kids.  Though it would have been nice to have kept them in a one home family, we can still keep them loved by two parents.  We can still give them stability.  Well, I can.  Even better when I can actually get a decent night's sleep.
I'm happy that this process has been a process.  As painful as it is.  Because it allows me to work through my thoughts and feelings.  It allows me to be mindful.  To face each problem each question each step.  But I'm kinda ready for it to be over.  I'm tired.  It takes a lot of energy to think things through.  To decide.  For sure.  Finally.  Now I just want him to move out.  Like...tonight.
But I realize that he has to process too.
grace.

When Goods Collide

Doing good.  It is important.  It is a life's goal.  For doctor's, it's "do no harm."  It is at the core of my belief system.  Not that it buys favor, but that the One I follow is good and that I should follow in that.  I should serve. I should obey God.  I should obey my government.  I should submit to my husband.  I should put others before myself. My body is a temple.  Love others as myself.   And...actually....I agree.  I hear it all of the time.  But what people DON'T address often enough is what to do when choosing between two goods.  It's always presented as choosing between good or evil.  But sometimes, the huge decisions are made when deciding between two things that are considered good.  Two things that are important.
Right now, I am choosing to love myself.  But I don't want to do it in a self centered manner.  I want to do it with compassion and kindness.  The problem that I am facing is that my husband believes that I should be showing HIM love.  Putting him first.  And...he's absolutely right.  Kinda.  It is true that in marriage putting the other first is huge.  It causes a union.  Not just physical, but mental, spiritual and emotional as well.  We do not have that union.  It has finally come to me.  If I don't put him first then we have no union because that is our vortex.  That is where we cross....in how I have treated him.  And when I finally got to the point years ago where I knew that I "couldn't be like God to him,"  "couldn't keep giving without any input," he began laying on more and more guilt.  But, finally, I see.  My choice to love myself comes not out of selfishness.  My decision to care for myself does not step on my ability to love him.  He did that by choosing not to do the same.  By always putting himself first.  It's imbalanced.  It is destined to fail.  And, the truth is that the only true hope of reconciliation is NOT for me to keep on putting him above myself but in my learning again that I HAVE a self and loving her.  Because I can't love others very fully if I can't love myself.  I can't care for their needs if I'm not caring for my own.  But all he can see is the part where I a supposed to love him and stay with him and give to him and treat him with respect.  And I did give that my best shot.    But he never read his part.  It's like having a play going on where one of the character's parts is simply missing.....the further you get into the play, the less it holds together or makes sense.  And I tried to "cover" for his part.  To believe that my job was to work with what is and to make things work.  But what I'm learning is that it's not my job to hold everything together.  As a matter of fact, it's not even a possibility.  If someone doesn't want to give....willingly, from the heart....then honestly, there's not a relationship.
I have been nearly destroyed.  And even now, as I say what I need, I find no compassion.  I find anger.  I find selfishness.  I find expectations.  No empathy.  No understanding.  Apologies, yes.  But no listening to what I am saying.  And that is wrong.  How did I miss that?  How did I think that it was ok for him to negotiate everything that I would ask?  To always get something in return but never give when he expected me to be the giver.  I have worked around his schedule.  I have watched him add thing after thing after thing without any consideration for anyone else's schedule.  I have seen him blow off looking for another job when his current job demands 70+ hours a week.  I have seen him criticize...not constructively....within our family.  And only give kudos when trying to impress.  He doesn't get it.  And I have explained in every way that I know how.  I have NEEDS.  Yes, wants too.  But I have NEEDS.  And I deserve to have the needs of my heart met without being belittled, taken forgranted, humiliated nor treated with contempt.  Period.  Except I never put the period.....until now.  And that is why he is in such a tizzy.  Because I am not negotiating anymore.  I am saying.  Telling.  Not asking.  And without promises nor conditions.  He wants a carrot...."if I do this, then when can I expect for you to go back to normal?"  He wants me to heal the relationship when I need to heal myself.  Not because I am selfish.  But because without myself, I can't have a relationship.  Without me, only he continues.  And the only One that I am supposed to die to self for is God Himself.  And when I do so, He makes me more who he made me to be.  He doesn't take away who I am.  He created me.  He glories in me.
And in my husband.
Yes.  Goods can collide.  I am living in the impact zone right now.  And it's not easy.  But it has helped me to clarify.  I don't owe him.  God is not angry with me and able to be used against me to keep me in line.  That's not how He works.
I feel like I'm waking up from a very long sleep.  A little disoriented, but looking forward to a new day.
grace to you.

Enabler

I have frequently been accused of being an enabler.  Funny how I can be.  And yet, how much I totally am not.  With my kids, I am strong.  I expect them to carry what is age appropriate, to do what is honorable, to show respect, to own it when they mess up.  I don't enable bad behavior.  And, with one of my friends, I am accused of being an enabler....because I am willing to wait on her.  But, what others don't know is that it's not enabling, it's balance.  Our friendship has a balance of what we give and take.  Not equal.  Not in the way that some would measure.  We don't get each other coffee the same amount of times.  We don't do the same number of favors.  It's different than that.  It is about sensing need.  About meeting what feeds the soul.  And for each of us, those are different things.  I am perfectly willing to "do" for her and she is perfectly willing to give what I need.  It is healthy and fine.  But, I've come to realize that I have enabled bad behavior from my husband.  I didn't create the bad behavior.  I didn't make him selfish.  But, on the other hand, I could have said no earlier.  It's just that in a marriage, it's as if I've had to "make it work."  And finally, all of these years later, I'm wondering if anyone can really "make" a relationship work.  It works when two people mutually respect one another.  When they are mutually willing to hear and see and do.  Otherwise, it becomes one person carrying the load while the other walks happily along...until the one gets too weary to do it.In our case, it's worse than that because not only was I supposed to carry the load, I got to hear how I was doing it wrong while carrying it.
I want to keep the part of me that enjoy bringing pleasure to others.  Not simply pleasing.  Different than that.  Knowing people.  Seeing what brings them pleasure and joy and peace deep within.  And being willing to go there.  To give that.  I like that about me.  No, I can't make everyone happy.  But, bringing happiness to others does bring me joy.  I like it.
Yet...it's all about balance.  Yep.  My word of the year.  Balance.  Not equal.  Not "fair".  But balanced.  You can't measure it.  But you know when all is balanced.  The world stops spinning.  The pain stops.  Rest is easier.  Smiles are genuine.  Tears still come, but not all of the time.  Those relationships that are balanced are precious.  And while most relationships have to be cultivated, I'm beginning to think that I've been trying to grow something that isn't really there in my marriage.  It's impossible to grow sunflowers with dandelion seeds.  So, I will not enable the destructive behavior anymore.  Nor excuse it.  Nor keep feeling like somehow it's my responsibility.  It's not.  Period.  I smile as I write it.  I know me.  It's going to be a lot harder than that.  But, I can use the words.  I can speak them to myself.  I can grow strong enough.  I am growing strong enough.  I deserve kindness in my life.  And it's sad that that simple thought amazes me.  Shocks me.  That it feels so novel.  When it should be so basic.  How sad for me.  The woman I am deserves  to actually expect that.  Wow.  I'll keep you posted.
grace to you.

Trapped or Protected

When I went to church yesterday, I got myself in the middle of a pew with people on both ends.  Protected from the possibility of my husband coming and sitting right beside me.  It helped.  Because it was a tough day.  But, as the service went on and he would be looking at me from up in choir, I began to feel rather ill.  This is becoming a hallmark of when he stresses me these days.  Pain in back and side.  Up my neck.  Horrible, sharp pain in my head.  I was getting increasingly uncomfortable.  And then, my friend was going to leave after worship to go to her sunday school class.  She leaned over to ask me if I would be ok.  At that moment, it was like all hell broke loose in my body.  The pain increased.  I was stunned.  I said I wasn't fine.  That's huge for me.  I immediately regretted it.  Because she should do what she wants and needs to do.  However, suddenly, my "safe" place felt like a trap.  I couldn't easily get out.  I was having that cold, sweating feeling.  Stuck.  Trapped.  Hurting.  Scared.
But something good happened.  Something that I realize has happened way too infrequently in my marriage.    After I said that I wasn't fine, I wrote my friend a note and told her to go ahead and go.  That she should do what she needed to. Because, though she is very kind to me, it is not her job to carry all of my current garbage.   And, in my marriage, my husband wouldn't have looked back.  I like to let people have or do what they need.  He likes to do what he wants. He would have walked away.  He has done so many times.  But, my friend is so much kinder.  She stayed.  The love I felt was beyond description.  It was healing to my hurting soul.  She thought of me and my heart.  She saw me.  She got the depth of my hurt.  And though she can't make it all better.  Though she isn't responsible to fix anything.  She did what she could.  She stayed beside me and helped me make it through.  What a picture of friendship.  Amazing.  A gift.  I am thankful.
grace to you....I gotta go take kids to school....

Joy

Joy is my heavenly gift.  It's not something that I should feel badly about wanting or expecting in my life.  Yet, it is.  My husband has a way of making it sound....sinful.  Worldly.  Wrong.  Being happy or finding joy.  Not right if it doesn't mesh up with his belief system.  But God wants to be my joy. To give me abundant joy.  Not just scraping by.  This marriage feels like a life sentence, not a union.  I feel caged.  Trapped.  Troubled.  Belittled.  Uncared for.  He does not step up and meet my needs when I express them, he simply tells me how I am wrong for feeling that way.  And I feel stupid because I keep thinking that if I say it clearly enough or enough times that it will somehow make a difference.  It never has.  But, I keep believing in him.  In a way that he has never believed in me.  How pathetic is it that even at this point I am still waiting for him to "get it"?  That I still hope that he'll be able to take his eyes off of himself long enough to see how distraught and troubled I am.  It's not going to happen.  I have to tell myself that and try to believe it.  Because who I am sees what people can be.  Who they could become.
I have a plan.  And it involves pain and change.  I have to let go of my hopes and dreams for him.  That's hard.  I have never wanted to give up on him.  Just wanted to not give up on me either.  So, this is a change of mind for me.  It's going to have to involve a change in behavior.  And it's hard because this part of me is something I like about me.  But not in this case.  In this case it is bad for me.  Dangerous.  It has nearly stolen who I am.  So.....I'll do something different.
I am brave.  I can pass over a hundred semi trucks in a day in high winds.  I can face classrooms of unknown children as a substitute.  I can walk in the very dark back yard without a flashlight. ;)  I am full of all sorts of courage.  He doesn't understand where he is pushing me to.  But he's not going to like it.  He thinks he has me pushed against the wall.  Trapped.  I've been here many times and I've always chosen him, the marriage, the family unit over my own self preservation.  Well....now I choose me.  And the kids.  And my home.  And a life.  I choose to get him out of a place in my heart that he doesn't belong.  He doesn't belong there though he says it's his right......because he does not keep his part of the oath in cherishing.  In loving.  In caring.  He never has.
I choose joy.  This like of constant crap is getting to me.  Onward.  Serve papers.  See what comes next.  It can work.  I can't keep believing his self serving reasoning.  I have to reason for myself.  Prayerfully.  Wisely. I have to trust myself to follow a good plan. I have to change the habit of being there to "protect" him.  I need to protect me.  He never reciprocated that protection.  He didn't have my back.  He just wants me to stay where I am so that I can keep taking the bullets for him.  No can do.
Off to a good day.
grace to you.

The Morning Comes

I had very little sleep.  And I tried to hide behind my computer after I got ready in the bathroom, behind a closed door.  I took a shower last night to avoid the fact that after I went out for awhile and it was late, I came home to him in the living room where I sleep playing his singing part on the piano.  I basically hid out in the bathroom until he finally went to the bedroom and closed the door.  Then I was awake forever.  Too much to think about.  I woke up early as well.  And, I would have gone back to sleep but about  then he was up and I had gotten up to use the bathroom. He offered me breakfast.  I declined.  I "hid" behind my computer.....like I was saying.  But, he showed up.  Gave me a run down of what he would be accomplishing today.  Walked away.  I took a little breath.  Then he came back and sat down on the couch.  Asked me if I had gotten his note.  I said yes and that I was thinking about it.  I told him that he had taken 11 days to get it to me and that I deserved some time to think it over.
I realized what bothered me when I woke up this morning.  About his note, I mean.  It's that it does not address in any way what I have been asking for.  His offer, his big sacrifice....doesn't address how to have boundaries.  How to let me feel separated.  It doesn't indicate that he would give me time alone.  Where he would eat.  Who would cook his meals.  It doesn't address church.  Nor events.  It doesn't give me time.  It doesn't give me what I have asked for.  At all.  It simply gives me a bedroom to hide in.  But what if I actually want to live?  To heal?  To not be wondering if he's outside the door.  Or if he's in bed yet.  Or if I can go spend time freely with the kids.  If I can sit in my living room and enjoy a book without him coming and destroying my peace.  His offer makes him a tad uncomfortable but gains me very little.
You know, I was realizing this morning if when I had managed to get out what I really needed...when I put it to very clear words.....IF he had heard me and made a plan and DONE something about it.  I actually might have been able to feel differently eventually.  But his choice is to keep pushing.  This morning is record.  Now it's taxes.  And giving it to him instead of sending it on to my step mom.  He says since she is kind enough to do it for free.....yikes.  What a mooch.
gotta go.  he's driving me absolutely over the edge.
grace.

The Struggle

It is hard for me to say exactly what I want or need.  Hard for me to put myself "first".  Really hard.  But, I know that it's important.  To sometimes listen to what I need and desire.  To respond to how I feel.  But what is bothering me is that no matter how many times I tell him that I need this time.  That I don't know what will come.  That I don't want to be married at this point.  That I am too wounded to go on like this.  That it makes me ill.  That I need space.  No matter how many times or how many ways.......it never sinks in.  It always comes back to what he might get out of it all.  How he wants things to be.
I absolutely shudder to saying yes to him living in the boys' room.  Not because it's not a polite offer.  If that were the point.  But the point is that I need SPACE.  Time away.  Not running into him in the hall.  Not having him act like I'm supposed to be behaving towards him in a certain way.
He is using so many things right now.  It makes me ill.  He is being more chummy with our one son.  Especially in front of me.  When people are around, he acts all like everything is normal.
But it's not.  It's not ok.  I'M not ok.  And I don't know what to do so that I can get ok because he won't hear me.  I don't know how to make him understand.  I don't even care if he understands anymore, I just want him out.  And the more he pushes, the less likely it is that I will ever recover.  I say these words.  I tell him how I feel.  I tell him what has happened.  Over and over and over and over and over and over.  But he just keeps saying that he hopes that I'll forgive him and that our relationship will be healed.  Right now, I need to heal.  Me.  My heart.  My soul.  My mind.  My emotions.  I need to dream again.  To breathe again.  I need to get out from under this constant, daily ordeal of trying so hard to be nice.  It's wearing.  I believe in being civil.  In kindness.  In politeness.  But I need time away to actually know what I want in the long haul.  Right now, I want a divorce.  Without a doubt.  I keep thinking...only four years until the kids are raised.  But I don't want to wish those years away trying to get past it so that I can finally breathe.  I want to savor them.  To enjoy this phase of life.
And I'm not.  And the damage he is doing is worse than ever.  Because he won't hear me in my moment of greatest need.
And yet, I don't know how to keep answering the same question over and over again.  I don't know what to do when he keeps throwing out problems with what I need.  And how it just can't work.  And how he is right to fight to stay here.
My poor brain.  My poor heart.  I have been through a lot.  More than I can even begin to put to words.  But he makes me feel like it's just stupid.  And then he acts all nice.  And it confuses me and makes me so crazy.  I just want to live peacefully.  I want to cook meals and eat with my kids.  I want to be happy.  And he makes me feel small for that.  For allowing my feelings to have a part in my decision.  But I am a "feeler".  And a thinker....but I have to feel balanced.  I have to feel safe.  I have to feel loved.
It's a struggle.  I want the struggling to end.  I want to rest.  I NEED to rest.
grace.

Processing

Today is a cooking day.  A thinking day.  A resting day. And...a processing day.  Though much of me is trying to avoid processing his note simply because I just want to enjoy my day, another part is trying to deal with it and put to words why it makes me so crazy.
He makes assumptions that I can't seem to get him past.  That he won't acknowledge.  That being in the same room is what the problem is...when it goes so much deeper than that.  Being in the same place just simply adds to my constant stress in trying to cope.  He constantly mentions that he hopes that we can get back together.  I know what he's saying.  I get it.  But it is like he keeps turning what I need back around to him and what he wants.
He says that he wish that he would have stood up for me.  That all he can do is ask forgiveness.  But that is not true.  He can live and change how he treats people that he says that he cares about.  Just asking forgiveness or feeling badly....even when it IS genuine....it's not enough at this point.  If it had happened earlier on without needing to go to such extreme measures and vast amounts of pain, then it might have worked.  But as it is now,  the time to heal is going to take however long it takes.  And it's just too hard for me living in the same place.  I do think about what he is asking.  Sleeping in our boys' room.  That seems more awkward than him sleeping in the family room.  He wants to do that so that he can use their closet and bathroom.  It seems inconsiderate to them.
I am having a really hard time dealing with the requests that I accommodate him.  I know that isn't kind.  I'm not proud of it.  Yet, I just want for once to say what I want/need and have it be ok.  I want for once for him to be the one inconvenienced, troubled.  The one who goes out of his way to make what I need happen.  I know it's not likely.  But it's hard to say how hurtful it is that over and over I see how he just continually returns to what he wants.  What he needs.  What he thinks.  Him.  I don't figure into his equation.  Oh, he wants me back.  He is sorry that he didn't cherish me.  But, isn't cherishing something that comes from deep inside?  Isn't it regarding those whom we value?  Esteem?  And if we do, doesn't it follow that it shouldn't always be work and effort to show that cherishing?
I wish that I could snap my fingers and have him peacefully away for awhile.  Would truly help my heart.  Ok, what I really want is him gone without a date of when he is going to come back.  Like..ever.  I don't know if I would feel that way if he would have been able to give me the space and time to heal that I'd asked for.  It has been a long time.  It's not the first time I've asked.  He says he's sorry that he didn't offer me the bedroom before.....of course, that only came after I pointed out how hard it is to live in a living room.  How he lets me make the sacrifices to get what I need.
My empathy ties me to him.  I easily understand how and why he feels as he does.  But I have to break away enough from that emotional tie to allow myself some room.  If my kids weren't here, I'd move.  In a heartbeat.  But for now, I have to plan for them.
grace to you.

Asking To Stay

He finally wrote me a note.  Handwritten.  Asking to stay.  To live in boys room or family room.  Hard.  Says all he can do is ask for forgiveness.  I get that.  But all I can do is wait to heal.  And it's not going to be easy if we do it that way.  How would there be boundaries?  But would it be better for the kids?  Kids who are going to be gone soon.  But he also says that it is his hope for us to be together.  It's subtle, but it hurts me.  The constant assumption that I can and should just get over it.  I've tried that for so long.  I've "gotten over" so many things so many times.  And now here I am....in that shaky, tight, ultra vigilant place.  On my couch.  Terrified.  Knowing what I want.  Knowing what I feel obligated to try.  I hate that he can't just hear me.  Ever.  And give what I need.  It's always a deal making thing.  Here I am.   Home at last.  And I feel sick.  Literally.  The tightness in my chest and neck aren't probably too good.  Nor the churning in my gut.  The tingling in my toes.  The coldness in my fingertips.
And of course, this note came just as he knew that I was heading to "bed"....put it on my computer while I was in the bathroom changing.  How many times have I asked that it not be then?  Not right before I need to sleep.
Tears.  Torn from deep inside.  Silent.  In my no privacy place.  Why does he choose to steal my sleep by dumping his requests and needs on me when I am the most tired?  He could have written while I traveled.  While there was some distance and time for me to reflect.  To read it when I wanted to.  I feel distraught.  Like he stole what good I was given by this time away.  How does he do that?  Does he plan it?  I don't get it!!
He told me how well things went while I was gone.  How our daughter...who just turned fourteen....cooked.  How well the kids did.  He doesn't parent them.  He wants their respect but he acts like their equal when it comes to who is most needy.  He wanted to know what was for dinner after I drove home over 300 miles today....I'm just so done.  And I know they are nitpicky stupid things.  But they are all of these little things that add up to a whole.  An attitude.  A habit.  A belief system.
I just wish I could be warm.  Have my purse by the door.  My shoes ready to go.  Heater on.  Back to sleeping in my pants and sweater.  Oh....and socks.  I hate sleeping in socks.
Hope I don't throw up.  Hope my head doesn't explode.  Or my heart.  Hope I sleep tonight.  Because I am soooo tired.  What a sad place this is.  And I'm not sure how to get out.  I'll keep praying.  Looking.  I will be wise.  Because.....believe it or not......I can make good decisions.  And I will not be ruled by the guilt and pain that hounds me.  I am courageous.  Doing this with him constantly in the same house takes a lot of fortitude and bravery.  And I have come this far.
Yet, he still thinks that saying he is sorry is his part.  I'm glad he said so.  I'm sad that there is no change towards being who he could be.  Compassionate.  Empathetic.  On a team.
The pain in my neck is intense?  Talk about a stress attack!  Welcome home.......
On another note....seeing my kids was awesome.  They saved their school papers for me to sign.  Their high school schedule papers.  They waited to talk to me.  You know, he doesn't even know that he doesn't know.....he has missed so much.  Maybe it's the feeling sorry for him that binds me?
Not sure.  Gotta try to sleep.  Or at least turn off the lights so that I don't feel like a fish in a bowl.
grace.  always plenty of grace.

100 times over

I passed semi trucks on a very windy, snow blowing road for over 300 miles today.  I passed over 100.  And I was thankful for the courage to do so each time.  Thankful to be able to brave something that is scary.  But necessary.  I kept remembering that the reason that I am a courageous woman is not because I am foolhardy, but because I truly KNOW that I am led by God's hand.  I know that He holds on even when I go bumbling off in the wrong direction.  He pilots my life.  And for that I am thankful.  I had confidence in Him.  But in order to do something about showing my confidence in Him, I had to show that I had confidence in me....to drive well, to make good decisions.  And I do.
I have lost much confidence in my own life these years.  And lately I am struggling because I seriously don't know what else to do....if you point blank tell someone what you absolutely need and they totally disregard what you say while saying how much they care for you....it's awkward at best.  Painful at worst.  This is painful.  I can't keep saying the same things over and over.  Beating my head on the wall.
I KNOW that I need the time.  I don't know what it will look like.  It is true that I don't know how long I'll need.  It's true that it's not easy.  It's true that it will be difficult for everyone.  But those facts don't change the fact of what I need.  But apparently I'm not supposed to have the choice in his world.
Yet, this week I was with others.  And I realized how good people are to me.  How they see me.  Hear me.  How I don't have to fight or feel badly if I feel something.  If I have a thought.  Or an idea.  I realized how easily others forgive me.  How they talk to me.  Listen to me.  How they share who they are.  And it blessed me.
And it made it 100 times harder to come back to this.......mess.  The non-married life while co-habitating.  Oh, yes, we still have paperwork.  But we aren't married.  He refuses to hear me.  Yet he always wants me to hear him.  The disparity is too great.  I am too raw.  I need him to go away.  For a time at the moment.  But every moment that he fights me on it, it causes me to step another step away.  To retreat more completely.  Not that I can go much further anymore.  I do wish that it could have been different.  But now....I just want it to be over.  To quit rubbing my heart raw.  To let me get better.  To breathe.  To not shake and shiver and tremble.
A 100 times over I passed those trucks today.  And I can do this home thing too.  One truck at a time.  One decision at a time.  One moment at a time.  But I'll tell you, I'm needing more than a little break at the moment.  I am worn out.  I wish that he could understand that if he cared about me then he would actually meet my needs.  My genuine heart needs.  Without rehashing constantly.  Without arguing incessantly about how I'm wrong.  I totally might be.  But it's still what I need.
grace to you.

Remind Me Who I Am

Jason Gray sings the song "Remind Me Who I Am".  Every time I hear it, I turn it up and I remember.  I soak it up.  I have suffered.  I am hurting.  My body is exhibiting the hurts of my emotional pain.  And I don't know how to reconcile it all.
My kids are at home with their dad while I traveled.  And they are running out of food.  And that makes me so very sad.  Painfully so.  Though I know that it's true.  He will do anything to make a point.  He was mad that I was going.  He will allow our kids to suffer to make his point.  That hurts me more than anything he can do to me or say to me....and those things cut deeply.  Maybe I needed this day.  To be "stuck" again.  To remember exactly how it has always been.  How sad.  I remember the first time when the kids were really little and he had them for the evening and hadn't made sure that they had something to eat......and somehow this was my fault.....I hadn't told him what to do.  I was furious.  And said so.  Told him he had kids and he was a parent and that HE was also responsible for feeding them.  If that meant a trip to the store or McDonald's or whatever.  He had to figure it out.  But he doesn't figure it out.  He likes to be a victim.  Likes to make it that he doesn't have what he needs.
He has made me feel so badly about me.  It's important for me to remember not to be angry but to be strong. To remember who I am.  Who I really am.  Not before him.  But in reality.  And in reality I have good things. And I have bad things.  I have gifts.  I have weaknesses.  I make good decisions.  And I make bad decisions.  But I have to learn again to live able to forgive myself.  I have a really hard time now.  I fight against it.  For awhile I had given in.  Had fallen so far into believing the bad about me that I forgot to be nice to me.  To believe in me.  That I was created with purpose.  And that the purpose is beautiful.  Even though I am not perfect.  I don't have to be.  And I can't keep trying to please.There's only One who deserves that kind of attention in my life.  My husband is not my God.
I just heard on klove radio....."practice random acts of courage".  It's going to take great courage for me to go on the path that I need to walk.  But I do need to walk it.  I want to be a witness.  An example to the greatness of a God who loves.  That cares and makes good even of my great weakness.  I want to walk forward with a separation to please God??? That sounds crazy to me churched self.  And yet, it is definitely the direction He is pushing me.  That I keep coming back to.  And I find it terribly strange.  Yet every door that opens goes that way.
I somehow bought into his beliefs about me and took them as my own.  And it is WORK to change it.  Hard work.  Very hard work.  Learning to get out from under that cloud.  Learning to believe again in what I choose for me.  For my kids.  I hurt for them today.  How dare he treat them with such disregard?  How dare he make THEM feel as if they aren't worth more than that?
They are.  I am.  He doesn't get to choose that.
grace to you.

A love beyond belief....

 For nas high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his osteadfast love toward pthose who fear him.

Stranded

The sun is shining.  God did not send a big snowstorm and snow me in....at least not where I am.  However, the roads ahead are CLOSED.  Wind.  Snow.  Might have to stay another night.  That is a nice thing.  To me.  Forced vacations are lovely. Enjoyable.  I've had a few times of being "snowed in" when staying in the mountains.  And I loved it.  My husband wasn't there.  And I got a reprieve.  I love that.  A sense of peace washes over me.  Can rest for another day.  A gift from my Father.
I feel just like I do on snow days from school.....woot woot!!  Happy.  Joyful.  Wanting to rest and relax.  It makes me happy to do so.
In a perfect world, I would actually be happy to go home and see my husband.  Time away would be ok, but time together would be better.  It has never been that way.  Ever.
Something began very early on that caused me to begin to have a feeling of unrest.  I feel torn down.  Like he doesn't care at all.  Does he?  I really don't know.  In his mind, I think that he does.  But he can't get that going out of your way for someone is important.  That giving people what they need to thrive is not an option. That kindness doesn't look like doing just what you want and calling it good, but rather seeing what is indeed good for them.  He doesn't even see me.  Not at all.  Unless he is uncomfortable.  Then he tells me how I shouldn't feel.  Or shouldn't think.  How sad for him.  Because this woman that he first met is actually a really wonderful woman.  Vibrant.  Creative.  Fun.  And now all he has from her is her profound wish not to be with him...........he hurts her.  Hurts more than he benefits.  That's sad.  There is grief.  And yet, more, there is looking forward to a time when I don't have to constantly try to figure out how to work around him.  Being stranded helps....but how nice to be stranded and have a forced vacation where I actually wanted to be there.  Not going to happen.  Oh, I know it CAN....but not without my say so.  And I don't want to say so anymore.  His possessiveness, his jealousy, his unkindness, his standards.....they aren't love.
grace to you.........from my blessedly stranded self.

My Emails

My email inbox is full of travel emails.  Where to get the cheapest rates.  Where to go.  When to go.  Hmmmm.  Think there's a theme?  If it weren't for my babies, I would be gone  I know it.  Because the only time I really function is when I'm away.
The thing is that being with him caused a driven aspect in my life.  I'm not particularly..........driven....I'm more relaxed yet directed.  I like to get things done...but I really like to see what happens along the way as well.  I became driven because it made him......happier.  Now I barely function when he's around.  Even the thought of him being around.  I don't want to BE with him.  Don't want to have to go back to a house that he's at.
Time to get moving this morning....but with care for my heart.  Listening to how I feel.  I don't want to end up how I was the other night.  That scared the bejeebers out of me.  Hope that I didn't need those bejeebers.
grace.

See it Wiggle...See it Jiggle

Shaky today.  Yep, again like jell-o.  I asked God for the biggest snowstorm ever.  Just to have time.  For what?  I know that it seems like putting off the inevitable.  But what I have learned is that I CAN power up.  But it's not by an act of my will....well, not an act of my will alone.  It's basking in the presence of the One who knows me.  Who gives me strength.  It takes courage to be truly powered up.  Not simply just plowing through...though there is a fair share of that too.  Mostly it's about remembering what I know to be TRUE....because I go into a place where my husband tells me things and twists my words and it is quite a trial.  Gotta get on that armor.  Even jell-o like girlies can be protected by the armor.  But I also have to give myself time to do it.  It's weird how I can't just force it or rush it.  But thinking about it, putting on armor in the old days took time.  It took help. It was specially made for each person.  Right now all I want to do is snuggle back under the hotel covers where I stayed last night and wake up when I do.  It feels like I live so much of life being expected to.......you name it.  And in the time since I haven't been in my room, I really don't get much time to simply, truly rest.  But, that's ok, it was worse when I was in the room with him.
Just thinking of that caused a cold chill to travel head to toe.  The dread of that time stays with me.  Oh, there were good times when my kids came piling in.  Loved that.  But you know, staying in bed if sex wasn't going to happen was never supposed to be an option......I remember early on saying that that was hurtful.  And he certainly wasn't staying if he wasn't getting any.
I feel kinda.........sick.  Going back after breaking away is getting harder and harder.  Not easier.  I thought that it would.  But having done the hard work.  Having faced what causes me fear.  Having dredged it up....well, it's all out and about now and not neatly sealed in some back room of my mind and heart.  So, it hurts much more.  And the fact that he won't simply man up and figure out a way to make it happen...just hurts more and proves that I'm not worth it to him.
I should speak this out.  Tell people when I feel so very crushed.  Vulnerable.  Troubled.  Absolutely ill.  About going home.  But it's not an easy thing to do.  How my head pounds.  And my knees feel weak.  And I feel sick.  And my body feels numb.  It's like I go into shock.  It's a terrible feeling.  And I usually carry it all alone.  I don't htink that I should.
Hard morning.  But glad I got to rest.  I couldn't have done it last night.  Not at all.
I'm thankful for a friend who listened when I said I needed to stop.  And for snow that closes highways.
grace to you.

Gotta Remember

I had the greatest weekend.  I felt...invincible.  Good.  Strong.  Connected.  Able.  And then I began the journey to head home.  And...this worry began in me.  But, I kept fighting it back.  Reminding myself that I can be strong.  That I can do so much.  That I have shown over and over courage when others don't even see or know what is happening.  But, still....that unrest was there.  And then HE texted.  No big deal, right?  Yeah, I told myself THAT too.  But it didn't really feel that way.  It felt like being suffocated.  Drowned.  Traumatized.  I can't even begin to explain why.  Maybe because he suddenly intruded, uninvited, into my serene place.  And I knew that I had to go back.  That he is going to try to "talk" to me about his plan....after I asked him to WRITE. Hes' an editor/journalist......how hard could it be to jot it down in an email?
But in my heart I know that he doesn't really want to "talk".  He wants to convince me that I am wrong.  That I need to stay....or rather, let him stay.
And yesterday, with all out vengeance, my body rebelled.  The stress got me.  I don't know what it was...that pain that was as intense as any labor I've ever had.....right in my back under my shoulder blade.  I mean...bad pain.  Not a twinge.  A gripping, "I can't shake this nor pretend that I'm fine" pain.  That's unusual.  I hurt often.  Stress does do that....but, most of the time, I cope just fine.  Not this time.  I didn't drive.  I didn't pretend it was fine.  It was AWFUL.
And I realized that there is something that I am going to have to remember on this journey.  I am fragile.  I am much like a recovering addict....I need to keep myself surrounded my my "group"....I need to do my "work"....I need to nearly daily review why I am where I am and what I can do about it.  Though I am strong, much of my strength is in the ability to know that just glorying in a moment of courage will not sustain.  Reading books.  Talking to people....and this is still very hard.  Being open.  Writing every day.  Listening when I am scared, traumatized, nervous....and not diminishing those feelings.  They ARE THERE.....and I don't have to stuff them back in.  Instead, I can look at why.
For instance, I remember the first time that I went away with the kids without him.  And even way back then, I remember having the same doubtful feelings when I was supposed to be returning.  The uneasiness.  It's not new.  It's my ACKNOWLEDING it and giving it validity that is new.  Every single time that I return to "him".......I tense up.  I am scared.  My whole body tightens.  At this moment, I am having trouble typing the words as my arms draw in and my fingers curl.  I am scared just thinking about it.
And I don't know how to talk about it.  He will make it about him.  What he did "for" me.  How I wasn't there.  He had some way of saying things to make me feel lousy.  And...also....I won't have a place again.  No bed.  No room.  No time to just rest.
I really liked this weekend.  It was good for me to see what I can pursue for my future.  But even in this moment I can feel the twinge in my gut/back.  I need to take care of me.
As I drove today I just wanted to scream.  He has hurt me so badly.  I just wanna be done so badly.
Not sure my body can survive the drama and trauma.  And he will be sure to bring it on.
grace to you.

Primping

Marriage took away "me" time.  I don't do the things I would normally do when I am around my husband.  The little primping things.  Nails.  Eye brows.  Face masks.  The little things that feel so good.  I'm always on edge.  Always running.  Always closed  down.  Retreating.
I realize it when I'm away.  Like this weekend.  Face mask.  Nails filed and buffed.  Toe nails painted.  Legs shaved.  Nice long shower/bath.  Little things.  But things that show me that I'm relaxed. Comfortable.  At ease.
Not rushed.  Getting away.  Struggling.
I have lived like that for so very long.  Finally seeing the differences in how I behave is helping me.  A lot.  I am becoming more and more comfortable knowing that I can't live with that stress anymore.
I need me.  One plus one will always make two....quote from Leo Buscalgia.  And each one brings something to make a marriage more.  Better.  Fuller.  And continually grows.  And learns.  Not in my case.  I was supposed to become......him.  Or at least simply an offshoot.  But I am not.  I am one.  Always.
I can JOIN, but I cannot meld.  I have to remain myself.  And if he loved me.. .really for  real loved me....then he would want that.  Sadly.....he doesn't.  He regards it as selfish.  He mopes when I do things for me.  He grouses.  He grumps.  And that's too bad.  Because I was worth keeping.
And I'm worth rediscovering.  It has been a hard but good adventure!
On to more adventures!
grace.

Games

I play Scrabble and Words With Friends.  I like to play.  Some people play to play.  Others play to be the best. Some people play to learn.  Others play to keep the board to themselves....never open "good" spaces.  I just play.  I like to play.  I like to do it fast and do the best I can.  I win some.  I lose some.  But I get better.  And I have fun.  And I NEVER worry about it.  EVER.
Some people take everything so seriously.  EVERYTHING.  Birthdays.  Games.  Appointments.  There is no levity in their lives.  I know that they are just different from me...but I can't help feeling a little bit sorry for them.  I was playing Words with a woman tonight.  She freaked at how far behind she was.  Thing is....I didn't even know what the score was.  I had to go check. Then, I resigned the game and started a new one to make her feel better.
Same lady is planning on coming a thousand miles to take me out to coffee now that she knows I plan on being separated.  Hmm.  That won't be comfortable, now will it?
I am stronger.  I don't like games.  Only card games and board games.  The emotional ones are too draining.
I don't know how to end this one with my husband.  It's  a lot more difficult than it seems....not even just emotionally....just all of the physical stuff that has to be done.  It's daunting.
But, he is playing games.  He told me he knew what we should do.  Prayed and thought.  Told me he had wanted to talk to me but that he could write to me if I wanted.  I said that would be better....ha.  He's waiting to TALK.  No email.  I hate that.
I have to go back knowing that it awaits me.  And he knows that.  That kind of game I can do without.  For all of my life.
grace to you.

The Wooden Heart

I look for heart rocks at the beach.  Love it.  My son has gotten me to go down these steps to look three times so far.  It's fun....and kinda chilly in Oregon in February.  He's fun.  I found a heart.  I thought at first that it was one of the black rocks.  But it was wood.  Charred wood.  Smoothed by time in the surf.  No coal smudges from touching it.  Soft.  But...burnt.  Like me.  Not what it might have been.  But, something beautiful.  Something worth looking at.  Worth holding onto.  It's a special little memory of my time at the coast this time.  Very appropriate.  Burnt.  Damaged.  Thrown about.  Beautiful.
Great truths come from little happenings.
blessings.

Realization

I come to the coast.  My energy is up.  I feel like me.  I have had a couple of walks....90 steps to get down...90 to get up.  I haven't fainted.  I've cooked.  I've cleaned up.  Easy for two. ;)  This is the first time in so long that I feel free.  I feel comfortable.  At ease.  I am so thankful.  And.....I realize.
I realize that it's not simply being at sea level.  It's being free from the obligation to make things right for him. From the fear of his showing up.  I get to.......be at ease.  That is a gift that most take completely forgranted.  Not me.  I relish it.  I soak it up.  I sense the hugeness of what it will be to be this way as the norm.  I would actually be me.  Strong.  Full of life.  Able.  Fun.  Joy seeking.  Giving.  Encouraging.  And being given to as well.  I look forward to those days.  They will come.  They are coming.  Because I am choosing them one at a time.  I am able to make good choices.

grace to you.

Awake Early

Well, I get to wake up and then go back to sleep.  I get to choose.  I have a door on my room.  Pillows and blankets on a BED.  I have so rarely slept in a bed in nearly two years that people would be shocked.  It's a wonderful thing.  People take it for granted....feeling comfortable....feeling safe.....feeling accepted.  I don't.  I know what it feels like to constantly have to wonder what is coming next.  I know how it feels to be kept off center....given a sense that you are not enough...BUT that you have to stay because that is right.  I know how it feels to not have a place....even in my own home.  And because I know....it has changed me.  It has shown me how to give to people.  It has shown me what I need to do to get back to a place in life where I feel safe.  Where I don't have to practice breathing, but rather, I breathe.
That seems pathetic in some ways.  There are parts of me that wish that I had never gotten to this point.  That I had left much sooner.  Yet, I had to grow in my own time.  I had to give as many opportunities as possible.  I don't give up easily. I like that about me.  So I will just realize that with that comes the consequence of sometimes being misused by others.  That's ok, it always brings the pleasure of seeing people grow and learn and become amazing people.  It also gives me the chance to do the same.
Working on not regretting the past.  There's this part of me that wonders why I stayed after he told me he was ashamed.  And why I believe the false apologies.  And why I allowed it to keep on cycling.  It just took me a long time to define it.  I remember calling it a "rut"...a "habit".....I remember knowing that there was never a time that I could just talk to him reasonably about anything that really bothered me without a battle....without being guilted, having my words twisted, his crying, his feeling put upon.  And, occasionally, after hours, he would manage to apologize if I didn't give in.  As a last ditch effort.  But by then...it didn't mean anything.  It was a moot point.  He had already torn me down.  Shown me how little he respected me.  By then, it became a way to make me feel obligated to "forgive"....which in his terms means forgetting what had happened.  And I bought into it.  I believed that is how I was supposed to be.
And now I don't.
And that makes him mad.  Makes him sad.  Makes him........unsure.  Because he no longer is in control.  And he continually tries to "reason" me back to his way of thinking.  "Why have I decided after all of this time?" "Why won't I forgive?"
And you know, his questions are many but they finally have showed me something......he doesn't take any responsibility for the past behavior.  He still wants to take all of that time and make a last ditch apology and have me fall over in thankfulness and forget about it.
The fact that I won't.........he holds that against me.
I get it now.  Finally.  And that in itself has freed me.
My book says that some people free themselves a little at a time.  Trips.  Learning.  Getting away.  That's me.  I've been leaving for a long time.  Before I could even say why.  And I remember the horrible of feeling of when I had to go back to him....it was never joyous.  I never got it.  And now I do.
I celebrate all of the now I dos."  Because I have grown.  Because I am courageous.  Because   I am a decent and kind person.  For those who take the time...I am a good friend.
I am not like everyone else.  I'm simply me.  And finally I am remembering how much I love her.
blessings. 

The Coast

Here we are.  At the coast.  Happy.  Nice to be with my son.  He is pleasant to be with.  We are vegging.  TV.  Computers.  Tide.  Wind.  It's beautiful.  Our house sits up on the side of a hill right by the ocean.  Seventy three steps down.  It's beautiful.  We hear the waves.  We walk frequently out onto the balcony to feel the wind...to smell the ocean air.  nice.  Truly.
And while there is much on my mind, I am mostly just here enjoying.  Need to rest.  And this is the time.  And I will enjoy it.  Though there is so much that I could worry about.  But....why?
I have a life to live.  And while I grieve, I am also ready to live past it.
I want to have a life.  Get a life.  A real life.  Where I don't spend every day stressing.  I realized as I got on the plane to come on this trip that I spend an incredible amount of time and energy on making things ok.  On  making my husband feel better.  He doesn't do the same for me.  I am going to choose to relax.  I am practicing how to breathe.  How to feel.  How to stand.  How to relax my jaw.  My face.  My arms.  I'm learning.  I have to think about it.  Working on it.
And this will be a good time to do so.
blessings.

What I Owe

My husband has a way of letting me know that I owe more than I am giving.  And, in this time of pulling away, he is sure to point out how I owe it to our kids.  Owe it to God.  Owe it to our friends.  Owe it to him.  Owe.  Frankly, the only debt I have is to love.  That's God's view.  I can never pay God back for who He is nor what He has done.  I can't say thank you enough times.  And He doesn't mind.  He sees the thankfulness of my heart. He knows me.  He knows my heart and soul.  And He has declared me good enough....not on my own...He was willing to make up any deficits.  Love that.  My husband feels like I owe.  But I am not in his debt.  He did not own me.  Nor did he have the right to behave as he did.  He does not get to choose for me.  He does not get to make decisions regarding me.
One plus one always makes two.  Even in marriage.  Yes, one in a united front is the goal.  That's not the kind of one my husband has wanted...he wants us to meld into being him.  He cannot celebrate the differences.  Just as in the military, the squad is united AS one...but they are not REALLY one...they are many different gifts and talents brought together to vanquish a common enemy.  One plus one equals two.  I almost lost my number.
Driving tonight I realized how little he has given.  How much he has assumed.  How I have allowed religion and others...and especially him....to tell me that the best thing to do is to give more and more and more.  That dying to self meant giving up everything about myself.  No, it means dying to SELFISHNESS.  Not to who I was created to be.  Hmmm.....let me see....who hasn't learned how to be a PART of a family?  Doesn't co-parent.  Doesn't co anything.  Hmmm.  I have been so wrong.
Not anymore.  I am having an awakening.  I am growing stronger and stronger.  As I read.  Learn.  And...as my faith grows again.
I don't owe him anything.  he owes me for how far I have spurred him on.  For cheering for him.  For believing in who he could become.  For encouraging him.  For giving him great kids.  For covering his ass.  And it makes me angry that he doesn't even get that.  That he only sees that I am not going to KEEP doing it.
hmm.  jerk.

Cleaned out my purse...

Ok, I'm ready.  Purse is cleaned out.  Ok, have to pack a few of the necessities in the morning, but other than that....I am ready to roll.  Yep.  What adventures await?  Shopping?  Resting?  Lots of driving for sure.  Reading?  Oh, that reminds me...bought myself a book for Valentine's Day....;)
Got my kids the traditional day after the fact Valentine's candy.  That began when my daughter was born on Valentine's Day.  It means....much larger box of candy.  They like that.
Have a little cash for the trip.  Put all of my change in my piggy bank...still not as full as it was before it had to be donated to the general fund, but it's getting there.
I am waiting in anticipation.  For the fun.  For the stillness.  My son is pretty laid back.  Think we'll grill one night.  Something easy to eat will be our goal. ;)
And my friend will see her mama.  And that is a special thing no matter how old you get to be.  There are so many times that I wish that I could sit down and talk with my own mama.  Have her love on me.  But, though I can't, I have to say, I have been blessed by many to love me in my life.  And to love.  People who know how to love.  And who love me.  Well.  Generously.  Without holding back.  I haven't had that in my marriage.  It has been "if" love.  It has been "when" love.
Ok, I am so very tired.  And my hope is that he doesn't try to have a big conversation tonight.  He hasn't asked.  So, it wouldn't be polite for him to assume that I would want to.  He can't just barge in anymore.  He doesn't have that right anymore.
Life has changed.  I have changed.  I gave so much.  It caused me to grow.  But.....he is just beginning his first steps of knowing what that feels like.  I wish him well.  But I can't carry him through.  He is going to have to walk that road without my strength.
And I am taking a trip.  And he isn't happy.  And he is trying so hard not to say so right now.  Because he wants to impress me with how he has changed.  I'm not buying it.  I hear his controlling questions.  His intrusiveness.  His jealousy.  I wish that he could wish me well in the times in life when I actually get something that means something to me.  He can't.  He wants what anybody else had.  Always.
Purse cleaned out.  Bag packed but open.  The day is coming.  I am glad.
grace to you.

My Bag is Packed and I'm Ready To Go...

I realize that I have spent the last many years surviving by running away now and again.  Often to my trouble....as he is not understanding nor kind about the time that I need away.  And yet....how I long for it.  Desire it.  Not from everyone.  Specifically him.  I mean, who doesn't love a day or so all alone?  But this is different.  This is a feeling that I've had for a long time.
We went to the east coast a few years back.  He came.  But he had to fly back early.  I could hardly breathe until I dropped him at the airport.  I didn't walk in to the airport.  I dropped him at the drive through. This speaks volumes.....but he doesn't even know me that well...to know that I always like to walk people in.  I was so glad that he was on his way and that I was finally able to relax.  It has been like that for so very long.  It's as if I am constantly waiting to catch a breath.  To have a few moments to remember who I am.  How I work.  What I really think.  What I really want.
Reading this book, one of the things about whether you should go is if you feel lost and like it takes hard work and effort to find who you are again.  It sounds so.....worldly?  Yet, it resonates with me.  I've seen people get lost.  Women who begin to disappear.  Actually, I was pretty good at spotting them these years...perhaps because I knew it from my own life?  I always have to ACT like everything is ok at home.  Like it makes me happy.....living as he does.  I have to make the best of it.  Or, rather, I DID.  But now, I won't.  I won't have the papers served to him while I am gone because I know what the safe shelter lady said...I don't know what he will do.  He might say that I left the state...left him and the children.  He might lock me out of my home.  No, I will wait.
I think that I will find one of my heroes to deliver the paperwork.  The women that I know are STRONG.  Who can be frank but not unkind.  Thinking on it.  Praying on it.
I leave tomorrow.  Yes!!!
I am going to the coast.  This is the view from the house that I will be staying in.  I can almost hear the crashing of the waves.  The woman who owns the home is so......nice.  What a blessing.
There are times that I feel like God is going to refrain from blessing my life.  My choices.  My hopes and dreams.  Because I am not willing to live like this anymore.  And, my husband has let me know that I won't be living in God's will.  That I won't be giving my children what they deserve.  I know what he is saying.  And I wish that I could give them what they deserved.  But, he never joined me in that.  In all of these years, we could have truly given them what they deserved..  It is true  But is ISN'T my fault.  His decisions have brought me here.  And saying sorry at the last minute with an eye to how long it will take me to allow things to get back to "normal" doesn't hold much weight.  He changes to buy favor.  He changes to lure me into being and doing what he wants.  Bottom line, he doesn't really change.  Change takes hard work and a lot of time.  As does trust.  And the thing is that I do not trust him anymore.  I might again someday.  I can't really say.  I don't even think about it much.  Mostly, I think about who I need to be as a person.  How to survive.
And you know how I said that I was afraid that God wouldn't bless me?  That He would withdraw favor?  I want you to know that in my heart and soul, I know that isn't true.  Because He keeps showing me with every step.  Even when I have to hunker down and not work or take a day under a blanket.  He doesn't quit blessing me.  He holds me close.  He is a husband to me.  A father.  A comforter.  And most recently, today, after I read my chapters and figured out that I indeed have cause and indeed am at the point of no return, I wondered anew.....will He leave me to figure it out on my own?  And I went on the website that has sub jobs and there was a request for 2/29-3/5.  Not only that....but the request came from a man who completely intimidated me last year and made me feel less than professional.  We have crossed paths this year.  I have been in his class for an hour when he had a meeting.  Yet, he CHOSE me.  Wow.  It was huge.
Yes, I'm ready for this time away.  I am in desperate need of it.  I've been fighting the battle on the front lines and I need a bit of leave so that I can come back refreshed and finish what I've started.
God loves me.  Provides for me.  Hopes for me.  Gets me.  Doesn't give up on me.  And is never ever disappointed in me nor taken by surprise.  It might be a hard time for me, but never think that I am down and not getting up.  I am up and going higher up.  That marriage pit has held me back.  I know that it's not that for everyone, but it has been for me.  Like a life sentence.  Not a joy.  Not a gift.
Except for the kids.  True gifts every one.
grace to you.

Deep Breath

Went back to reading my Lundy Bancroft book.  Much better.  Nearly done with it.  Yes, you guessed it, I should go......took working through all of the chapters.  Having the chance to judge my responses in the exercises.  I know that it's time.  Now.....how to do it remains a bit of a mystery.
There are chapters for that too. ;)  But I am simply reveling in the lightness that came over me as I realized that the people who wrote the book actually got where I am...how I feel...what I wish...how hard it is....how strong I am....how much I have carried.  I can't ever explain to anyone how much I have carried.  How his apologies don't make it right.  How he never gets that he doesn't give...not just 50/50, but he doesn't give.  He takes.  And, beyond that, it has forced me to spend years taking care of his needs, trying to keep him happy, keep to myself what I need in order to allow peace at home.  He has been.......destructive!!!
And yes, I am angry.  Very angry.  Because he took all that I gave to him and now he wants to finally say, "oh, dear, i finally get it and so now you need to let me try to be better...."  and I don't want to.  No matter what anyone thinks.  Blech.
Yes, I can care and love.  And I can have boundaries.  And I deserve more deep breaths.  Been holding it too many years.
Wow.  That feels good.  Hope you are proud of me.  I know that I sure am.
grace to you.

Intense

I have been too intense.  It worries people around me.  It's funny because in some ways, I am so much better than before, but by letting my feelings show, by talking about what is going on....well, it's not what people are used to with me.  I am not used to it either.  I like looking at the good.  Living in the joyful moments.  I am kind of a bummer right now.  So....it's something that I can choose to change.  I don't choose to hide.  But I don't choose to be a constant, annoying drip either.  Balance.  My word.  A gift for me...and for others.
I am strong.  People are not used to seeing my complete weakness.
So many little things that I've hidden for so long.  How hard it was to do so many things.  And now....I don't make myself do them anymore.  But all of this change shakes other people's lives as well.  Consideration.  Kindness.  Understanding.  These must be a part of the path that I walk.  Along with learning that I can also be firm, decisive, and....I get to decide.  Yes, balance.
I've swung too far in "sharing".  In being open.  It can hurt people.  People who have their own things, own roads, own trials.  I long to be empathetic.  Loving.  Right now, I feel surrounded by the immediacy of what I must do.
So, I must do it.  I wish that someone could help me.  That someone could get how hard this is.  Serving papers will mean that he has ten days to respond.  And if he is feeling "threatened"....then that means hard times for the kids and I.  Because he is still here.  But if I don't, it means that I have given in completely.  I want to see what he has to write.  But it has been two days.  He wants to talk.  He wants to convince me.  He wants to make me empathetic towards him.  And I just can't put myself in that vulnerable spot right now.  And he doesn't respect that.  Which is sad...but, not surprising.  Because, if he did, chances are good that I wouldn't be to this point.
But, I must take a breath.  Or at least try.  And live more internal again.  Because everyone doesn't need to experience the crap.  I love them too much for that.
On to a good day....because tomorrow I leave for a nice trip to see my son.  Gotta pack.  Woot woot!
grace to you.  

I Always Wished

I always wished that my husband would get how to be the great dad to his daughter.  I wish that he would have brought her flowers or balloons or a special card today....her birthday and Valentine's Day.  I wish that he would give her that thing that her heart longs for.  That adoration.  That care.  She reads on facebook and hears at school how some dads treat their daughters so special.  And hers doesn't. I wish that he could have done that.  But he won't.  Because it doesn't give him something.  He only gives when he thinks he is getting.  He doesn't even realize it.  It doesn't even cross his mind to do that special thing.  And I've coached and tried.  But, I can't cause him to see how important she is.....I can't cause him to see how important I am.
So, I've wished and prayed.  But I am thankful that she and I are close and that she has brothers and good guy friends to meet her needs.  They won't fill it all, but they will help.
Tonight was good.  Hope he doesn't try to talk.  I'm too tired.
grace to you.