Filled

Breath fills my whole being.  Your breath, Father.  I breathe You in.  Great, gulping gasps of the freshness of You.  I have always remembered You.  And yet, put that deep connection with You aside in order to please You.  Somehow I was way off.  My desire had been to please You.  It appeared that I had to give up every ounce of who I was in order to do that.  And I kept trying.  Kept asking You.  Kept fighting to manage it.  To become someone who really had the great marriage.  I never wanted fake.  I wanted to honor You in all parts of our lives.  I wanted my family to serve You.  To KNOW You.  To honor You.  But it wasn't that way.  And yet, I was led to believe that submitting is the answer.  If I would only submit to my husband then You would honor that and make things right.  Yet......by doing so....I dishonored You.  And for that, I am responsible.  I come to You to thank You for showing me again, step by step, what it is to live move and have my being in You.  For being here.  Even though I thought that You might abandon me.  You are faithful though I fall apart.  You are faithful though I was willing to walk away even if You hated me.  Because I couldn't go any further struggling to be me...and being pushed to be someone else.  I couldn't live a life that belonged to someone else.  Except for You.  It has belonged to You.  You have given me breath and strength and power.  And though I am not just far from perfect, but often simply perfectly sinful....in thoughts and in deeds, in lack of doing in motivation...that has deterred You not.  You have pursued me.  ME.  Not just someone else that You wish I could be.  The genuine me that You know that I am no matter what is happening nor how I am behaving.  For that, I am so very thankful.  You have given me this time.  This healing time.  Genuine healing.  To the soul level.  Who would ever guess that spiritual awakening could come on the seat of a lawn tractor?  Yet, You meet me everywhere.  You startle me with Your powerful love.  You provide everything I need.  And You know me very well.  You know the needs of my very heart.  The deep places.  The need to connect.  The need to hear the answer, "yes."  And YOU do that.  For me.  I am so giddily, joyously thankful.  For You have not abandoned me.  Instead, You have filled me.  Given peace.  Hope.  Joy.  Love.  Lasting and strong.  They were there all of these years.  And I wanted so badly to share those parts of who I am with my spouse.  He rejected me.  He viewed me as irresponsible and weak.  You know that I am both of those things often.  Yet, You see my purpose in Your plan.  As You made me.  Thank You for this moment of clarity.  Of understanding just for an instant Your great love.
Thank You. Thank You.  Thank You.