home. sweet home.

oh my.  i am here in my own bed.  my windows open.  fan going.  just awake.  the house is still silent.  everyone is worn out from the big drive yesterday.  and i am absolutely reveling in not only being home but in the newness of being home being a good thing.  i drove home with anticipation.  i was excited.  it was not the first year...last year was.  but last year was still difficult.  and last year held the scared feeling of having to get a lot done in order to start a new job in just a few days.  but this year was sweet feeling.  i loved being on vacation.  loved the sand between my toes.  loved the sun shining down on me.  loved the pretty rocks.  loved the company.  and when the time came....i loved the feeling of coming home.  i traveled on many trips without my ex.  escaping.  recharging.  trying to get it together enough to make it through a whole year more.  and the feeling as i would drive home.  i never knew that others didn't have such a sinking, troubled, scared, uncomfortable feeling.  i usually felt sick.  i would tremble the closer i got.  should have gotten a clue that something was not right, don't you think?
but THIS year.  the sweetness of coming home.  so different.  what people always meant by how vacation is good but coming home is too.  yes, it is.
i loved my trip.  i will continue to pursue a life at the coast for my next phase of life.  but for now, i am going to revel in this gloriously free feeling.  i am going to sit and be thankful.  i am going to smile and be glad.  because home has become safe.  not perfect.  but safe.  good.  relief.  in a way that you can't understand if you never felt the panic of having to go home.  not getting to go home....having to go home.  but if you have, or if you are...especially if that is where you are.....i want to say that there is hope.  things can get better.  choices have to be made.  no, i don't mean you have to get a divorce to be happy. well, for me, it didn't hurt.  but boundaries have to be set.  truth has to be spoken.  and you have to face what really is and how you really are being treated rather than just faking it and making it all seem ok.  a reality check can help to make a life that is good and peaceful in reality and not a farce.  you can go home and have a sense of peace and wholeness.  i know.  i didn't think it was possible either.  i thought that my life would have to end for me to get any peace.  to get to be happy.
i came home.  in so many ways.  blessed.
blessings to you.