Got up very early. Got my kids off on their trip. Put my dogs back to bed. And myself. Got up at 10:30. Practically unheard of. Because the voice of responsibility calls me hard normally. People need things. Have to take them places. Cook. I have things to do. Not today. Today, I told the voice to shut up...I have time to rest. And I need to allow myself to do so. So...I did.
And I might go see a movie tonight. It's hard for me. I've been wanting to go, but there isn't really anybody who wants to see the same movie....my kids aren't interested. So, I'm taking a deep breath and thinking of going alone.
It felt like life changed a lot when I got divorced. But really, I don't think it changed much at all. Just because I decided to be visible didn't mean that people suddenly noticed that something had changed. Their expectations would remain the same. And while that may be hard on me to some degree, I can't really expect anything else. They had a long time to get used to me just being a part of the scenery that was useful, helpful, but not really someone that they reached out to. People got used to me doing the inviting. Making the effort. Trying. I so desperately needed their input in my life. Who they were. I needed the diversion from the pain that was my marriage. But now, I guess I'm just not willing to keep pursuing. I was silly to do so in the first place. Friends are not people that you have to hope and wish that they would show up. They just do. I got so used to not being worth it in my marriage that I didn't notice that much. It did nag at me sometimes. Noticed that I did the inviting. That being included was rare. I did the calling, that being called was unusual. I blew it off.
And now I won't blow it off anymore. But, I also won't be continuing down that road. It's painful. A constant reminder that I am not on their mind. That I am not someone that they are worried about. I went through a divorce. Have had some horrific times of pain. Don't get calls seeing how I am. Don't get meals. Don't get people coming to make life easier. And that is reality. So, I need to look at reality and see how I want to live differently in the future. I want to be kind. I want to give. I want to include. But I will no longer live my life where it's me doing those things. One day, I invited someone somewhere and when they said yes, I was speechless for a moment. And in that moment, it hit me......I've gotten so accustomed to continually putting myself out there, continually reaching out, continually wanting to build a relationship that I hadn't really looked at reality. They are doing that elsewhere. I am maybe a diversion. Or a help in times of need. I am loyal and to be counted on. But, as for being the one that they think of, worry about, pray for, call, not so much.
So, today I rest. And today I face that reality is ok. It beats bullshit. And today I go ahead with baby steps. And today I begin to take back my wreck of a house. Yes, on my own. And today I pray for what will be. Someday. And I rest in His love. And today.....is actually a very very good day.
Guess my introverted personality has a good point. Being here is ok. Introspection is healing for me. And reality is good. Gives me a starting point so that I can map out how to get where I want to be.
Praying about that job opening. About a house. About lots of things. And that is the hard part. Nobody that prays with me. Now that? That brings tears.
blessings.
And I might go see a movie tonight. It's hard for me. I've been wanting to go, but there isn't really anybody who wants to see the same movie....my kids aren't interested. So, I'm taking a deep breath and thinking of going alone.
It felt like life changed a lot when I got divorced. But really, I don't think it changed much at all. Just because I decided to be visible didn't mean that people suddenly noticed that something had changed. Their expectations would remain the same. And while that may be hard on me to some degree, I can't really expect anything else. They had a long time to get used to me just being a part of the scenery that was useful, helpful, but not really someone that they reached out to. People got used to me doing the inviting. Making the effort. Trying. I so desperately needed their input in my life. Who they were. I needed the diversion from the pain that was my marriage. But now, I guess I'm just not willing to keep pursuing. I was silly to do so in the first place. Friends are not people that you have to hope and wish that they would show up. They just do. I got so used to not being worth it in my marriage that I didn't notice that much. It did nag at me sometimes. Noticed that I did the inviting. That being included was rare. I did the calling, that being called was unusual. I blew it off.
And now I won't blow it off anymore. But, I also won't be continuing down that road. It's painful. A constant reminder that I am not on their mind. That I am not someone that they are worried about. I went through a divorce. Have had some horrific times of pain. Don't get calls seeing how I am. Don't get meals. Don't get people coming to make life easier. And that is reality. So, I need to look at reality and see how I want to live differently in the future. I want to be kind. I want to give. I want to include. But I will no longer live my life where it's me doing those things. One day, I invited someone somewhere and when they said yes, I was speechless for a moment. And in that moment, it hit me......I've gotten so accustomed to continually putting myself out there, continually reaching out, continually wanting to build a relationship that I hadn't really looked at reality. They are doing that elsewhere. I am maybe a diversion. Or a help in times of need. I am loyal and to be counted on. But, as for being the one that they think of, worry about, pray for, call, not so much.
So, today I rest. And today I face that reality is ok. It beats bullshit. And today I go ahead with baby steps. And today I begin to take back my wreck of a house. Yes, on my own. And today I pray for what will be. Someday. And I rest in His love. And today.....is actually a very very good day.
Guess my introverted personality has a good point. Being here is ok. Introspection is healing for me. And reality is good. Gives me a starting point so that I can map out how to get where I want to be.
Praying about that job opening. About a house. About lots of things. And that is the hard part. Nobody that prays with me. Now that? That brings tears.
blessings.
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