People Watcher

This morning I have done a little baking.  Coffee cake.  New recipe.  Hey, it's vacation.  I even cleaned the kitchen with a good attitude!  Happy to not have to go anywhere or be too worn out to make nice meals.  I like nice meals.  As I listened to my Taylor Swift panodra station, I got to thinking....as is my habit....and I had an epiphane.  I finally know why I"m a people watcher and why I can see so much.  I spent much of my life on the outside looking in.  Not a family of my own.  Always watching, seeing, viewing....but they weren't mine.  I got used to receiving pleasure vicariously.  Got used to seeing what others pass over and note not.  And it still brings me pleasure.  Though, I have to admit that there is a bit of pain associated when I have that realization that I remain the "outsider" often.  That I have friends...but my friends have real family....and when the time comes, that family is more "real".  Whether they have out of town guests come from far away or simply just having a family party and tradtions, I am not a part of those things.  There is a boundary.  It is just there.  It's just a fact.  Not something I'm thinking that I have to change, just something that I can call it what it is so that it pains me less.  And it helps.  It helps me to know why I people watch.  To fill a need.  Yes, I reach out.  Yes, I love.  Yes, I have my kids.  But I can never replace having my own family.  I thought that it was possible for a long time.  I thought that others felt as I did.  But finally I realized that they can't.  They don't know how it feels for those friendships to be all you have....no real family to fall back on.....and that's ok.  I'm glad that they don't know.
So, I will return to my post. Watching and recording in my heart those things that matter.  I think that I WILL buy myself an awesome camera.  That's also what brings me pleasure in photographing.  Catching then moments that stay with us all of our lives.  Holding them for others.  Though, I was caught off guard the other day when I was told that I had taken too many photos.  It takes me so many efforts to catch the "right" look, the right moment.  I was embarrassed.  Almost ashamed.  Because it's a vulnerable place.  Not able to share in the time itself, but able to catch it and give it back to someone else.  Maybe I do it because I know that those moments can come to an end all too quickly?  I don't know.  Probably though.
I am a people watcher.  I see looks and body language that others completely miss.  I get how people are feeling.  I see deeper.  I learned.  And though it may have been because of sadness and pain, that troubled time can be used to share something wonderful.  I can use it to show others.  And, while it will never give me the people that feel that way towards me, it will give me the pleasure and deep satisfaction that it doesn't only exist but is there for the people that I love most.  That is something that brings me much joy. To see those I love being loved on.  Yes, it is a joy with a searing pain as a side effect...but...totally worth it.  Like child birth.
blessings.