This last year has pushed me. And pulled me. And trained me. And tested me. This last year has seen some people who are simply mean to me. But, this last year is not the worst year of my life. This last year has actually been a relief as well. A healing time. A time to take a breath after a long time of holding it.
No, the worst year of my life occurred quite some time ago. And now I realize why.
I have a very different personality type. I'm great at empathy. At understanding. At seeing things. I get it. I am a one person or a couple of people at a time kind of person. I am a person who has had friends and been a good friend. But, I'd never really shared all of my heart. The cracked places. The reasons for the cracks. I shared what makes me tick. My deepest hurts and fears. I shared what makes me laugh. I trusted. Absolutely. And I heard things and I learned things. Nobody had ever had an interest in knowing before. And having that gift was something more precious than anything I've ever been given in my life. It was like God reached out and said, "I know what you long for and how you need to be known, here you go, a friend for the journey." It was like He reached through a friend and showed me how He got who I am. I was so blessed.
But, as will happen. Especially when you're me? Well, I really did something that was hurtful. Not purposefully hurtful. The intent was totally good. To stand up for. To be a voice for. To protect. Those are a part of me living as much as blood or breath. But, I said that I would do something that was unwanted. And in that instant, everything changed. And I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed. I was crushed. I was hurt. I was mortified. But, a charade had to begin. Others were involved. The other person didn't say anything. Nor did I. We just went on. And I mourned that year in a way that threatened to undo me. I cried. I ached. Eventually, I apologized. But I can't say that it made everything better.
It's still the person I trust more than any other. Who still knows the whole shebang. Who stays when others walk away. Who forgives.
But somewhere along the way, I have had to learn that all of that meant more to me than to the other. That the pain that I experienced was mine because of how I am. That I will never fill that place again. It isn't in me. But I have also learned that others go on. Find others. I am.......different. Ok, I already knew that!:) Ever so often, I am taken back there. To that time. That very sweet time. When I knew. I knew that someone chose me to know and it was a treasure. And the ache begins to form in my soul. Of knowing that I blew it. And wondering how it is that that could have been. When I meant good. Meant to give a voice. To make stronger. And then, comes the reminder....that my worst year was not theirs. They moved on. Gave that same sharing and giving to others. Because other people are that way. They can share with many.
I had forgotten a bit. It came up again. And I somehow feel like I'll never be the same. Because now I know me better. And I understand how I work. And I know that I am not fickle with my caring, friendship nor love. But, I especially am not fickle about sharing my dreams, thoughts, hopes, and deepest words. And I will never regret. But I will always miss it. Always. For my whole life.
The worst year of my life was a direct result of the very best part of my life. A time of not just giving. Of not just sharing. But of being known. For real. Genuinely. To my toes. And of getting to know. To be trusted. Shared with. It was as amazing as the final shine of the sun as it sets. A precious gift to be cherished.
Getting reminded that I blew it was a bit crushing. However, finally, I have peace. I actually like who I am. I am going to be ok. I disappointed, but I'm not a disappointment. I was given a fabulous gift. I love that. And though others see my frailty and my bitchiness and my knack for screwing things up, they don't see everything about me. And I'm not going to sit around and defend myself. I am a bitch. And I guess I might as well learn to be ok with that.
blessings.
No, the worst year of my life occurred quite some time ago. And now I realize why.
I have a very different personality type. I'm great at empathy. At understanding. At seeing things. I get it. I am a one person or a couple of people at a time kind of person. I am a person who has had friends and been a good friend. But, I'd never really shared all of my heart. The cracked places. The reasons for the cracks. I shared what makes me tick. My deepest hurts and fears. I shared what makes me laugh. I trusted. Absolutely. And I heard things and I learned things. Nobody had ever had an interest in knowing before. And having that gift was something more precious than anything I've ever been given in my life. It was like God reached out and said, "I know what you long for and how you need to be known, here you go, a friend for the journey." It was like He reached through a friend and showed me how He got who I am. I was so blessed.
But, as will happen. Especially when you're me? Well, I really did something that was hurtful. Not purposefully hurtful. The intent was totally good. To stand up for. To be a voice for. To protect. Those are a part of me living as much as blood or breath. But, I said that I would do something that was unwanted. And in that instant, everything changed. And I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed. I was crushed. I was hurt. I was mortified. But, a charade had to begin. Others were involved. The other person didn't say anything. Nor did I. We just went on. And I mourned that year in a way that threatened to undo me. I cried. I ached. Eventually, I apologized. But I can't say that it made everything better.
It's still the person I trust more than any other. Who still knows the whole shebang. Who stays when others walk away. Who forgives.
But somewhere along the way, I have had to learn that all of that meant more to me than to the other. That the pain that I experienced was mine because of how I am. That I will never fill that place again. It isn't in me. But I have also learned that others go on. Find others. I am.......different. Ok, I already knew that!:) Ever so often, I am taken back there. To that time. That very sweet time. When I knew. I knew that someone chose me to know and it was a treasure. And the ache begins to form in my soul. Of knowing that I blew it. And wondering how it is that that could have been. When I meant good. Meant to give a voice. To make stronger. And then, comes the reminder....that my worst year was not theirs. They moved on. Gave that same sharing and giving to others. Because other people are that way. They can share with many.
I had forgotten a bit. It came up again. And I somehow feel like I'll never be the same. Because now I know me better. And I understand how I work. And I know that I am not fickle with my caring, friendship nor love. But, I especially am not fickle about sharing my dreams, thoughts, hopes, and deepest words. And I will never regret. But I will always miss it. Always. For my whole life.
The worst year of my life was a direct result of the very best part of my life. A time of not just giving. Of not just sharing. But of being known. For real. Genuinely. To my toes. And of getting to know. To be trusted. Shared with. It was as amazing as the final shine of the sun as it sets. A precious gift to be cherished.
Getting reminded that I blew it was a bit crushing. However, finally, I have peace. I actually like who I am. I am going to be ok. I disappointed, but I'm not a disappointment. I was given a fabulous gift. I love that. And though others see my frailty and my bitchiness and my knack for screwing things up, they don't see everything about me. And I'm not going to sit around and defend myself. I am a bitch. And I guess I might as well learn to be ok with that.
blessings.
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