it was a restful day. yet i still got things done. i began in my room. going through paperwork. deep sixing things. tomorrow i will face the "memory" boxes. they are always hard and i didn't want to start there. i want to narrow down what i keep as far as clothes. stuff. not memories.
but i did stuff today. and i rested as i wanted to.
now i am getting ready to go to the movie i've wanted to see. frankly, it doesn't sound like so much fun alone. but i'm thinking that it's time to get moving in my life. if this is how it is then this is how it is. no victim status. simply reality. just need to move on. quit waiting for things to change and change myself instead. i am the only one that i can change. i am the only one that can choose to do what i want to do. and this is a movie i've wanted to see. five dollar day!!! yes it is.
one day maybe i will be seen. one day maybe i will not be invisible. but for now, i'm just going to have to love me. do what is important. even if it means doing it on my own.
the hardest part is not having anyone to have words to share. but that has been a long time. it'll be ok. i'll be ok. sometimes i just get tired. and sometimes i wonder why it all happened.
i remember pre marriage. i remember having friends. and while they weren't all close. or deep. they were there. they called. we did stuff. they remembered things that were important in my life. they included me in their lives and i included them in mine. it was...natural. but it's not anymore. i like people. i'm just too tired to keep on being the one that tries to make a bond. i'm learning that if it's not there, it's not there. you'd think that it wouldn't have taken me 20 years in marriage to figure that out, but it did. like i've said, i'm loyal. i stick. but i've learned that there comes a time to keep my love and care but to let go. to let them be free. not hate. not giving up on them. i didn't give up on my ex. i wised up. he didn't love me. he used me. and that is very different. and i became accustomed to being used. to being cared about "if" i did something or "if" i was something. and now, after doing the really hard thing and saying that i wouldn't live that way anymore, i realize that i need to not live that way anymore. even with others. i need to grow up and put on my big girl panties and go out and have my life. though it may often be alone. i'm not the best at social. i like to be with only a few. that's ok. i keep remembering.....who i am is ok. and i don't have to hurry up and find people. i CAN'T. not while being myself. so. a movie. no big deal.
sure.
blessings.
but i did stuff today. and i rested as i wanted to.
now i am getting ready to go to the movie i've wanted to see. frankly, it doesn't sound like so much fun alone. but i'm thinking that it's time to get moving in my life. if this is how it is then this is how it is. no victim status. simply reality. just need to move on. quit waiting for things to change and change myself instead. i am the only one that i can change. i am the only one that can choose to do what i want to do. and this is a movie i've wanted to see. five dollar day!!! yes it is.
one day maybe i will be seen. one day maybe i will not be invisible. but for now, i'm just going to have to love me. do what is important. even if it means doing it on my own.
the hardest part is not having anyone to have words to share. but that has been a long time. it'll be ok. i'll be ok. sometimes i just get tired. and sometimes i wonder why it all happened.
i remember pre marriage. i remember having friends. and while they weren't all close. or deep. they were there. they called. we did stuff. they remembered things that were important in my life. they included me in their lives and i included them in mine. it was...natural. but it's not anymore. i like people. i'm just too tired to keep on being the one that tries to make a bond. i'm learning that if it's not there, it's not there. you'd think that it wouldn't have taken me 20 years in marriage to figure that out, but it did. like i've said, i'm loyal. i stick. but i've learned that there comes a time to keep my love and care but to let go. to let them be free. not hate. not giving up on them. i didn't give up on my ex. i wised up. he didn't love me. he used me. and that is very different. and i became accustomed to being used. to being cared about "if" i did something or "if" i was something. and now, after doing the really hard thing and saying that i wouldn't live that way anymore, i realize that i need to not live that way anymore. even with others. i need to grow up and put on my big girl panties and go out and have my life. though it may often be alone. i'm not the best at social. i like to be with only a few. that's ok. i keep remembering.....who i am is ok. and i don't have to hurry up and find people. i CAN'T. not while being myself. so. a movie. no big deal.
sure.
blessings.
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