Go Gently

Life is changing.  And it is really hard.  This whole church thing has been simmering for more than the year and a half that he's been gone.  It's hard to have my focus be in the right place.  It's hard to not have support.  It's hard to feel exposed and unsafe in a place where I should feel the most freedom to come as I am.  And, it's hard to even consider not going to church with my kids.  An ache that travels through my body.  Yet, going to church just to say that I did it has little appeal.  I know that I'm strong enough to show up now.  In the beginning, I couldn't do that.  I know that I might shake or struggle, but I can make it.  But, what is my end goal?  What is the purpose of "church"?  How do I worship when my ex is on "display" every other week?  How do I relax and focus on ministry and my part in the church when the only thing people care about me right now is that I'm not going back to my husband.  I mean, he's made it evident that if I would just repent then he would get back together with me.  He wears his ring.  He has connected with the vast majority of our old friends.  He has people pray for me.  For his marriage.  The same people that I want to go to church with and say, "God is doing a new thing.  He is making streams in the desert and paths in the wilderness."  See the dilemma?  Maybe a night church.  There's a place called the refuge.  But it's a little bit of a drive.  They do things together.  They eat together.  It's smaller.  It's community.  It's people who find that they don't have a place....misfits.  That's what I feel like at church.  Even with my besties.  Like a misfit.  Like it's awkward and I am a distraction when I'm there.
My ex won't make it easy.  I've tried for the every other week thing...but then he sits close by.  And comes right over afterwards.  And is mingling with the people I would mingle with.  It's just troubling.  When I give him his time, I butt out.  And I know that he takes advantage of that.  And he pushes me by making me uncomfortable.  By making a show of not sitting WITH me, but sitting a pew removed.  I get that crawly feeling of my hair standing up and I shiver.  He makes me really uncomfortable.
But I am going to go gently towards newness.  Just take a break for my heart and soul right now.  Just pray through it.  See what is next.  Go gently for my kids.  So that they don't feel like I don't love them.  So that they know that I value worship.  Go gently for my friends.  Yes, those friends that just can't really be my friends anymore as well as those who are there for the nitty gritty.  Change is painful.  And they don't need the burden of making it all better for me when I go to church.  They need to focus on what is important to them.  And seeing as how I don't have family...it has made it a little bit rough.  No "home" church to go to.  Though I thought this morning of going to my grandparents church.  Talk about a drive!  Nearly and hour.  But I wouldn't be at home there either.  My grandparents are gone.
Go gently.  Those are the words whispering in my soul this morning.  I can go fearlessly.  I am cared for.  Though I feel alone, that's ok.  Though I long to be pulled into an embrace.  Though I wildly wish that there was a person on the face of the earth that had the words, "I really need you here at our church...you are valuable to me and I want to worship with you...."....ok, not those words, but the sentiment that I have value there.  I am not going to live my life being a taker only.  Even in church.  And while I don't have it in me to do a million things, it would have been nice to have been included in something.  To have the staff note the fact that life must be hard.  Was a time when a grocery card would have been nice.  God worked it all out though.  As He will now.
Can't keep just going and acting like my life hasn't changed.  Can't live my life somewhere where my story has to remain closeted.  But can't picture setting down roots where my kids are not.  I know where they will get married.  And take their kids if they live here.  This is huge.  So.  I will go gently.  And courageously.  And I will be kind to me.  And others.
blessings.