Somehow

Somehow it is tiring in my life.  The having of people who are willing to bring up the times and the assumptions that I am a bitch.  Or was a bitch.  Or did something wrong.  Or bad.  I have lived and messed up.  More than some.  Less than others.  Hurt many without meaning to hurt any.  Wanted to be loyal.  To the ones I've made commitments to.  Yet somehow.....in the weirdest ways, you find what others really think of you.  And in that moment, I feel the shame that I have tried so hard to push away in the last year.  The shame that my ex used to keep me "in line".  That you had to be good enough.  Had to do things right.  Had to earn love.  And that really, he was being nice to stick around and be so committed.
And yesterday, again, something happened that stuck a sword of that shame into my heart.  Deep.  To the core.  And it was such a quick jab, that at first, I didn't even recognize it.  Didn't put up any defense.  Just let it hit home hard.  And then, I couldn't even figure out why I was reeling. Trying to breathe.  Hurting.  Oh.  I've been hit by shame.  Inadequacy.  Shown once again how many times I've been the cause of things that go wrong.
Yet somehow, this time, I looked and realized that I'm in good company.  Yes, I've screwed up, yes, I'm a mess, yes, I've really blown it so many times.  But this time, I saw.....I'm not alone.  But the way that I am alone is in those who defend me.  I defend those I care about to others who try to diminish them.  And I realized that I don't have that sense of protection.  I let people treat me just like my ex did.  No protection.  No defense.  No standing up for.  So.  I need to change that.  I need to give my past grace.  Just as much as I do to others.  I need to not judge my worth based on people thinking that I'm worth defending.  I need to figure out how it is that it seems like people are doing me a favor by tolerating me.
I find this wearying.  I lived through so much.  Managed.  Yet still, that little voice whispers, "maybe you really just aren't worth it."  I don't want it to.  I want to fight back.  I want to change.  But sometimes, I just have to rest from trying to become the person, the woman, I long to be.  Sometimes, I just have to curl up, let it hurt for awhile, wish it wasn't this way......and let myself cry.
And THEN, I will move on.  And love well.  And give.  And keep going. Even if I'm not good at letting people seeing how I love.  I know me.  And though I haven't done well in the past, maybe I will do better in the future. And maybe I won't.  I am not certain. But I do know that I will love and do my best.  And I will pray.  Encourage.  Hope. Give my life away.  Spend it lifting up when I can.  Believing in others when they don't believe in themselves.
And yet, I may still end up alone in many ways.  And unprotected.  And no behavior nor desire may change that.  All I can change is how I view myself.  I have to choose.  I have to choose if being me is worth it.
It is.  Because while I may not have people around who fall over themselves to be my friends.  I like me.  The real me.  The tender me.  And I don't want to go back to the person I had to try to be when I was married.  Even if it remains that nobody is around to tell me the good.  I will learn to tell myself.  To read the words of the One who created and to remember that though I am not all that I wish, I am simply me.  Used to show His glory because of my weakness.  My flaws.  My frailty.
I choose truth.  I choose real.
And that's hard.
Somehow, I always thought that there would be someone who would stand for me.
There is.  Me.
blessings.