At this moment

At this very moment, halfway through the month, my blog has received as many hits as it has ever received in an ENTIRE month.  It is a blessing.  Not because of numbers...but because I know that there are a lot of women who search the internet looking for someone who gets it, who understands how much they want to make it work but how something just isn't right.  I remember looking.  It was horrible.  Every christian site seemed to serve to let me know that I needed to try harder, be more respectful, endure more.  Unless he had sex with someone else, then it was ok to think of separating with an eye to reconciliation.  I don't believe that cheating is the worst form of unkindness in a marriage.
As I step a day at a time into this new place...and trust me, it is SLOW going....I find that I am overwhelmed with how much I've been through and how desperate I had become.  I am hurt by his apologies which serve to make him feel better but never address the fact that he has spent years looking only after himself.  That he took my dignity and used God to remind me of what I owed him.  God is not to be used.  Not to hurt people.
So, today, I'm thankful.  Because when I began, I just wanted to write so that maybe even one person could feel like someone resonated with them, feel a little less alone.  You are not alone.  I am not alone.  It's sometimes a lonely walk.  And very hard.  But we are beloved.  Even now.  Still.  Even in the shame.  The heartache.  That is what amazes me most.  He sees my shame for having allowed things that I wish every day that I had stopped....but I did it in trying to be a good christian wife.....and He weeps with me.  HE gets it.
love and hugs and blessings.