I look around and realize how many people have no clue how life has been. How it is not a trauma that he is not here when I am sick or just any day for that matter, but a gift. And I wonder what I contributed to cause this.
And I think I know. I guarded his reputation. I fought battles on my own. I allowed him to treat me badly without bringing it to light for others to see. I allowed it by my silence. All trying to be honoring. But it doesn't honor. It was a false sense of what is right to do.
And now, in this moment of being pretty dang sick, it took me time to go to the doctor. Always hearing his voice.....because it was always such an issue when the doctor bill came. Comments and observations. Going to have to cut back on other things because I had to go to the doctor. But now I realize...that was never the case when he needed medical care.
So, going to the doctor was a hurdle that I needed to jump. It's weird the silly fears that develop...that aren't silly at all because they have been created and cultivated over time. And though they are of silly stuff, the very real, very serious part is that he created them.
And when I was at the doctor yesterday and so many were with a spouse, a friend, a parent, a child, I thought I'd feel sad about that. But I looked inside and felt...relief.
I hoped and prayed and loved and gave. I wanted to have a marriage that lasted. But now I know that I wanted it at all costs. And that was a downfall. There should be expectations in how someone treats another. A marriage, a real marriage, not a sham, allows two people to feel safe and valued. Instead, it's like I spent all of my time making him feel safe, important, and loved. Without getting it in return.
I have exact memories of where we were when I would tell him that I needed him to get help regarding how important his family was to him...to go away for awhile and pray.....to seek counsel.....to decide. What he always decided had to do with him and not me. Not us. He wanted to be comfortable. And if I had to be uncomfortable for that to happen, then so be it. And I behaved that way too. Like doing that made me a christian wife.
I still believe in putting self aside. Just differently. Not in solo. Not in marriage. Because that just causes hurt. To both parties.
I went wrong. But he hurt me. He hurt our kids. Our kids are always trying to perform. My son finally said the other day about a food, "I don't like this, I don't want to eat it." He wasn't rude, just factual. And it made me realize the thumb that we have lived under. To always clean your plate. To never waste anything. Good things. But they were somehow twisted. To let us know that he was the monitor, the example, and the rest of us had so much to learn.
I get creeped out sometimes just allowing thoughts of certain moments to enter my current place. I have to...in order to sift through them and deal with them. But looking from this safe place, I realize how deeply damaging so many things were....are. My sons avoid going there except for on the weekend when they know they are supposed to. No extra invites are being accepted. And when the one comes home...I get to deal with his anger. That's really fun. (sarcasm. ;)) But I know how it must feel. Not to get to just start new and be able to feel good about yourself. To have a dad for whom you are a show piece. I get how it hurts. How they want to be good. To do well. But how there's a part that wants to blow it all off and say, "see, do you love me now, dad?" Because he calls to see how they have performed. And that is sad. So much already lost. And on this front, I fought valiantly for years. Even to the day he was leaving. "Take your daughter on dates. Hug her. Tell her she's beautiful. Let your sons win. Let them feel manly and amazing. Let them see how you lift them up. Let them feel your pride." But he just.......can't.....or won't. It takes away from him. Maybe he is so needy that he can't give to others? Not really sure. But he sees him.
I went wrong. Not intentionally. Went wrong doing what could have been very good in a healthy relationship. But now, I have to heal. Even though the way I did things means that he has never been "caught" or viewed being the bad guy. Oh well.
I'm not here to get people on my side. I'm here to survive. To learn again to serve the One who made me. To allow myself to be beloved. I'm here because it was finally time. So, I won't regret the past. I will learn from what I have done wrong. And I will cry for what hurt. And I will walk on. Letting go.
blessings.
And I think I know. I guarded his reputation. I fought battles on my own. I allowed him to treat me badly without bringing it to light for others to see. I allowed it by my silence. All trying to be honoring. But it doesn't honor. It was a false sense of what is right to do.
And now, in this moment of being pretty dang sick, it took me time to go to the doctor. Always hearing his voice.....because it was always such an issue when the doctor bill came. Comments and observations. Going to have to cut back on other things because I had to go to the doctor. But now I realize...that was never the case when he needed medical care.
So, going to the doctor was a hurdle that I needed to jump. It's weird the silly fears that develop...that aren't silly at all because they have been created and cultivated over time. And though they are of silly stuff, the very real, very serious part is that he created them.
And when I was at the doctor yesterday and so many were with a spouse, a friend, a parent, a child, I thought I'd feel sad about that. But I looked inside and felt...relief.
I hoped and prayed and loved and gave. I wanted to have a marriage that lasted. But now I know that I wanted it at all costs. And that was a downfall. There should be expectations in how someone treats another. A marriage, a real marriage, not a sham, allows two people to feel safe and valued. Instead, it's like I spent all of my time making him feel safe, important, and loved. Without getting it in return.
I have exact memories of where we were when I would tell him that I needed him to get help regarding how important his family was to him...to go away for awhile and pray.....to seek counsel.....to decide. What he always decided had to do with him and not me. Not us. He wanted to be comfortable. And if I had to be uncomfortable for that to happen, then so be it. And I behaved that way too. Like doing that made me a christian wife.
I still believe in putting self aside. Just differently. Not in solo. Not in marriage. Because that just causes hurt. To both parties.
I went wrong. But he hurt me. He hurt our kids. Our kids are always trying to perform. My son finally said the other day about a food, "I don't like this, I don't want to eat it." He wasn't rude, just factual. And it made me realize the thumb that we have lived under. To always clean your plate. To never waste anything. Good things. But they were somehow twisted. To let us know that he was the monitor, the example, and the rest of us had so much to learn.
I get creeped out sometimes just allowing thoughts of certain moments to enter my current place. I have to...in order to sift through them and deal with them. But looking from this safe place, I realize how deeply damaging so many things were....are. My sons avoid going there except for on the weekend when they know they are supposed to. No extra invites are being accepted. And when the one comes home...I get to deal with his anger. That's really fun. (sarcasm. ;)) But I know how it must feel. Not to get to just start new and be able to feel good about yourself. To have a dad for whom you are a show piece. I get how it hurts. How they want to be good. To do well. But how there's a part that wants to blow it all off and say, "see, do you love me now, dad?" Because he calls to see how they have performed. And that is sad. So much already lost. And on this front, I fought valiantly for years. Even to the day he was leaving. "Take your daughter on dates. Hug her. Tell her she's beautiful. Let your sons win. Let them feel manly and amazing. Let them see how you lift them up. Let them feel your pride." But he just.......can't.....or won't. It takes away from him. Maybe he is so needy that he can't give to others? Not really sure. But he sees him.
I went wrong. Not intentionally. Went wrong doing what could have been very good in a healthy relationship. But now, I have to heal. Even though the way I did things means that he has never been "caught" or viewed being the bad guy. Oh well.
I'm not here to get people on my side. I'm here to survive. To learn again to serve the One who made me. To allow myself to be beloved. I'm here because it was finally time. So, I won't regret the past. I will learn from what I have done wrong. And I will cry for what hurt. And I will walk on. Letting go.
blessings.
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