I've gotta' quit clicking open my email before I go to bed. Really. There it was. The response to my uncarefully worded email from this morning. Written about when I would be getting ready to go to bed...which was generally the time he chose to deliver concerning news. And, it wasn't great news. Not bad...just that he totally doesn't get it about the money situation. That he spent the whole tax refund to be sure that he wasn't in debt and then, can't pay me the part i was supposed to get umtil he pays off the last of all credit card charges from the last month.....but he wants to take care of us and do what we need. And if our son is coming home soon he could help pay for it but it would have to be spread over months. How many things are appalling about that??? That he doesn't even know when his son is coming home? Out of school? Having finals? Or that I ALREADY GOT THE TICKET!!! I didn't ask him to pay for it. Or to figure it out. Or to agonize over it. All $135 I did. Yep. That's right. To bring my boy home for the WHOLE summer. Yippee!!!!
And he doesn't want to talk about me turning the rental house over to him....because it's not an asset. Ha. He is being all nice and constantly reminding me of how it's both of ours....in hopes perhaps that I will share the house I own. Aint happening. I get 20% of his retirement...which is currently 2500. Yes, you read that right. It's a matching fund. Investment. Anyway.....I can have it "if I want it", but it will take a long time to get it out. Got that.
I just prayed that I would be given inspiration for how to provide for my family. To do something that brings joy. That I was made for. Don't know how that is going to look, but I am sure looking forward to my heavenly daddy taking care of it. Because this whole other thing is ridiculous.
Know what's funny? I barely remember my last Starbuck's. I used to go often. An escape in the mornings. Look...separation is a savings plan.
How can he not see that by spending the money to keep himself "safe"...he makes it harder on me. Not on the kids, because they won't know about it. Me thinks that he does know. That he's smart enough to know. That it is his way of maintaining control still. That's fine. In two months it's finalized. Then, I'm done with these conversations.
He certainly wiggled around about the rental house when I said that I didn't want to have to constantly be negotiating...and that if this current work that he's going to do would be too much money, then he would just take care of it. Wow. Really? It's fifty bucks, dude. Get over yourself.
The thing is though...he sees him. He is central. So in some way, it makes sense to him that he should do with the money as makes him comfortable first. In his world. A world that feels like quick sand that I am struggling to withdraw from.
Emotions. Sex. Money. They all work the same for him. And the bottom line is that they hurt me. But strangely, I keep trying to find the good. Not saying that he doesn't have good, I just mean that instead of just leaving it at "it hurts me," I try to find how it's MY responsibility. And there are plenty of things that are and were. But the majority of them.....came as an offshoot to the basic way he treated me. Dumped stress on me, always made me feel like I should be insecure, would wait until I was exhausted and then begin a battle. Now, I see...he's insecure. He has things too...but the thing is that he has taken those things out on me. But I realize...he has or hasn't done the best he can. Probably he has. Just doesn't even see how turned to self he is. But, I need to be safe. Emotionally as well as physically.
And somehow I've got to figure out this money thing so that it's not an ongoing thing. And I've absolutely got to remember that his ideas and thoughts don't have to rule me anymore. I have no need to be afraid. I am. My body responds. Reacts. Just seeing his email address. But then, seeing the charming words with the twists......sounding so good and pious. And yet....so far off. My boy who was closest to him...turns out....maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was just trying. Because three separate times I've tried to get him to call his dad or do something in an evening...play Mario with him or whatever....and he has declined. Completely. Emphatically. Tonight, he even said that his dad was never home by then anyway. Hmmm.
Life is changing. My biggest concern is to do well with the kids. To keep a firm but very loving grip. Kind...but not a pushover. They need me to have boundaries. And I told them tonight that I had to do that although right now, I just want them to like me and that makes it hard. That I need not to worry about that and to be their mom. Tell them what to do and when to do it and to take care of any bad attitudes, tones of voice or arguing. Interestingly....I think it was a God given time.
But on the other hand, I have to get the money together. Can't call in the extended family. I am going to just keep praying. I can't even just tell people around because then it would be like telling HIS story. All my friends...are his friends...well, mostly. I'll just try to get a clue about exactly what I am supposed to do in my part of God's plan.
The email freaked me out. Kept me up. But it won't keep me up all night. Not this time. I'm leaving that garbage with the One who knows already. And I'm claiming that in Him I can both lie down AND sleep. I'm going to just relax as best I can and let the whole thing take it's course with the finances. Whatever happens...that's just how it is. No point stressing.
good night.
grace.
And he doesn't want to talk about me turning the rental house over to him....because it's not an asset. Ha. He is being all nice and constantly reminding me of how it's both of ours....in hopes perhaps that I will share the house I own. Aint happening. I get 20% of his retirement...which is currently 2500. Yes, you read that right. It's a matching fund. Investment. Anyway.....I can have it "if I want it", but it will take a long time to get it out. Got that.
I just prayed that I would be given inspiration for how to provide for my family. To do something that brings joy. That I was made for. Don't know how that is going to look, but I am sure looking forward to my heavenly daddy taking care of it. Because this whole other thing is ridiculous.
Know what's funny? I barely remember my last Starbuck's. I used to go often. An escape in the mornings. Look...separation is a savings plan.
How can he not see that by spending the money to keep himself "safe"...he makes it harder on me. Not on the kids, because they won't know about it. Me thinks that he does know. That he's smart enough to know. That it is his way of maintaining control still. That's fine. In two months it's finalized. Then, I'm done with these conversations.
He certainly wiggled around about the rental house when I said that I didn't want to have to constantly be negotiating...and that if this current work that he's going to do would be too much money, then he would just take care of it. Wow. Really? It's fifty bucks, dude. Get over yourself.
The thing is though...he sees him. He is central. So in some way, it makes sense to him that he should do with the money as makes him comfortable first. In his world. A world that feels like quick sand that I am struggling to withdraw from.
Emotions. Sex. Money. They all work the same for him. And the bottom line is that they hurt me. But strangely, I keep trying to find the good. Not saying that he doesn't have good, I just mean that instead of just leaving it at "it hurts me," I try to find how it's MY responsibility. And there are plenty of things that are and were. But the majority of them.....came as an offshoot to the basic way he treated me. Dumped stress on me, always made me feel like I should be insecure, would wait until I was exhausted and then begin a battle. Now, I see...he's insecure. He has things too...but the thing is that he has taken those things out on me. But I realize...he has or hasn't done the best he can. Probably he has. Just doesn't even see how turned to self he is. But, I need to be safe. Emotionally as well as physically.
And somehow I've got to figure out this money thing so that it's not an ongoing thing. And I've absolutely got to remember that his ideas and thoughts don't have to rule me anymore. I have no need to be afraid. I am. My body responds. Reacts. Just seeing his email address. But then, seeing the charming words with the twists......sounding so good and pious. And yet....so far off. My boy who was closest to him...turns out....maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was just trying. Because three separate times I've tried to get him to call his dad or do something in an evening...play Mario with him or whatever....and he has declined. Completely. Emphatically. Tonight, he even said that his dad was never home by then anyway. Hmmm.
Life is changing. My biggest concern is to do well with the kids. To keep a firm but very loving grip. Kind...but not a pushover. They need me to have boundaries. And I told them tonight that I had to do that although right now, I just want them to like me and that makes it hard. That I need not to worry about that and to be their mom. Tell them what to do and when to do it and to take care of any bad attitudes, tones of voice or arguing. Interestingly....I think it was a God given time.
But on the other hand, I have to get the money together. Can't call in the extended family. I am going to just keep praying. I can't even just tell people around because then it would be like telling HIS story. All my friends...are his friends...well, mostly. I'll just try to get a clue about exactly what I am supposed to do in my part of God's plan.
The email freaked me out. Kept me up. But it won't keep me up all night. Not this time. I'm leaving that garbage with the One who knows already. And I'm claiming that in Him I can both lie down AND sleep. I'm going to just relax as best I can and let the whole thing take it's course with the finances. Whatever happens...that's just how it is. No point stressing.
good night.
grace.
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