Well, let's see...I've given birth to five children, one breech, sustaining fourth degree lacerations, one with an emergency c-section of which they began cutting in a place that I had a "window' in my epidural....yes, you are understanding.....I was AWAKE and I could FEEL it. Not cool. I've had migraines that have taken me to the hospital. And migraines that should have. Just saying that I'm acquainted with pain. But this shingles thing is owie ouche ewie aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!! Want to sleep, but when I do, my eye swells more. And did you know, you turn in your sleep. And if you lay upon that side of your face.....again.....ooooowwwwww! Wake up at 4 am and my eye is so swollen that I go to look and can barely see my poor little eye ball. Getting up. Heat and ice. Taking pain/anti inflammatory meds through the night. But, no denying.....it HURTS.
But at least I am not of a mind to feel sorry for myself this morning. It's a good thing to face....that there is pain. That here I am, on my own, to take care of it. And though it's intense. And though it makes the time go by a bit slowly. And though I am so very tired. And though it's hard to bend over and reach down...because the blood goes to my head and increases the pressure. Though all of that.....I am more content on my own. Does it make me feel sad? Sure. Does it make me like a disappointment? Oh yeah.
Does it make me cringe that my choice is affecting others? Every day.
But, this pain...this all consuming, brain numbing, nerve wracking..literally....sleep stealing, energy depriving, debilitating pain.....THIS pain is so much easier than the pain I was living in. That was life destroying. That was more than I should bare. Loving shouldn't be the thing or the place that causes regular, intended, grief and hurt. It should not be the place that makes me feel like a failure. Unworthy. Scared. Always on edge. It shouldn't be. But it was. And coming to terms with what was.....has been deeply and intensely painful. It has also been freeing. I feel like a car has been lifted off of me. The joy and exuberance of having survived is immense. I want to keep surviving. I want to thrive.
So, yeah, I hurt. And, yeah, I'm alone. And, no, nobody is running to my rescue. Nobody really even notices. No big deal. part of my learning....to take care of me. Yes, and of my cherubs. But of me too. I'm learning.
Although, I have to say that I'm giddy not to have to cook dinner tonight. Literally giddy. As giddy as I can be with a puffy, oozing tears eye. Yes, the pressure on the tear duct causes it to drain tears. Yes, they hurt too. Yes, it's a lot. Thanks for asking. ;)
But I'm making it. i still have a sense of humor. I still help as I am able in my little world. I just know....it will pass.
blessings.
But at least I am not of a mind to feel sorry for myself this morning. It's a good thing to face....that there is pain. That here I am, on my own, to take care of it. And though it's intense. And though it makes the time go by a bit slowly. And though I am so very tired. And though it's hard to bend over and reach down...because the blood goes to my head and increases the pressure. Though all of that.....I am more content on my own. Does it make me feel sad? Sure. Does it make me like a disappointment? Oh yeah.
Does it make me cringe that my choice is affecting others? Every day.
But, this pain...this all consuming, brain numbing, nerve wracking..literally....sleep stealing, energy depriving, debilitating pain.....THIS pain is so much easier than the pain I was living in. That was life destroying. That was more than I should bare. Loving shouldn't be the thing or the place that causes regular, intended, grief and hurt. It should not be the place that makes me feel like a failure. Unworthy. Scared. Always on edge. It shouldn't be. But it was. And coming to terms with what was.....has been deeply and intensely painful. It has also been freeing. I feel like a car has been lifted off of me. The joy and exuberance of having survived is immense. I want to keep surviving. I want to thrive.
So, yeah, I hurt. And, yeah, I'm alone. And, no, nobody is running to my rescue. Nobody really even notices. No big deal. part of my learning....to take care of me. Yes, and of my cherubs. But of me too. I'm learning.
Although, I have to say that I'm giddy not to have to cook dinner tonight. Literally giddy. As giddy as I can be with a puffy, oozing tears eye. Yes, the pressure on the tear duct causes it to drain tears. Yes, they hurt too. Yes, it's a lot. Thanks for asking. ;)
But I'm making it. i still have a sense of humor. I still help as I am able in my little world. I just know....it will pass.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.