I am really working...learning...trying....to have my voice. But it's a hard thing to do. I can feel those other feelings. That thing that I'm not allowed to have needs or be heard. That I am to make things right. And today, I really tried hard. I had something to say. I thought that I could. But sometimes....when the time comes....that voice....gets hoarse. I hear him in my head still. Though I actively pursue truth and not his opinions.
It's good to listen to christian music. To have enough quiet time. To simply rest more. But the thing is that I don't want to STAY here in this space. I don't want to spend my life explaining. I don't want to have to keep figuring out the really hard things....like, why did you come in my house when I specifically asked you not to? I don't want to feel the feelings of how unjust it is that he gets to walk around and look so right when he steps on any boundary I try to have. It's so hard to choose who I am going to be and not have response feelings to who he is being. I don't want to live in response to that anymore...yet, here I am. He really hurt me. All of the texting this morning. Acting as if I wasn't bringing the children to church. That was weird enough. But then with yesterday and his being in the house. That was so hard. I feel..abused. Like he is just going to keep on doing what he was doing in different ways. I despise that. At least sex won't be an issue. I won't have to endure that humiliation. And it certainly was. Devastatingly so. And he uses each little hook he gets in my life as a continuing competition. So weary of it. Still going to have to wait for the kids to be grown....yikes.
Today was the first day that I just wanted to say exactly why. TWICE. To two different people. Thankfully, I have practiced for a long time not doing that. Because it wouldn't make me feel better about myself. It would make me feel cheap and small. But, the thing was....one of them was with my son. Instead, I told him that he could be angry with me. He could choose not to respect me. But that he would not treat me disrespectfully or talk to me how he did. It was right after he had been with his dad. Instead, I took responsibility for my decisions and choices. And told him that I would simply love him regardless of how he feels. That I would help him get ready for what is coming next. That I needed him to speak about what was wrong instead of just making general disparaging remarks. And that I am a human being and that I can be hurt. I'll just work away at it honorably. But there for a moment....I desperately wanted to take the easy way out. I wanted to feel justified. And....I do feel like what is happening is just. Not happy. Not good. But just. Yet...I don't want that to be a burden that my children carry. That's probably why I hesitate to tell others...because word could get back to my kids. If I am already hearing what my husband has said...well then, it doesn't take long.
But how do I have my voice and remain silent? It's horrible. But it won't always be. I wrote to him. That is progress. Whether it changes anything.....doubtful. Well, except that he will tell people how he's not allowed to just show up or whatever.
I'm just tired of the whole thing.
blech.
grace.
It's good to listen to christian music. To have enough quiet time. To simply rest more. But the thing is that I don't want to STAY here in this space. I don't want to spend my life explaining. I don't want to have to keep figuring out the really hard things....like, why did you come in my house when I specifically asked you not to? I don't want to feel the feelings of how unjust it is that he gets to walk around and look so right when he steps on any boundary I try to have. It's so hard to choose who I am going to be and not have response feelings to who he is being. I don't want to live in response to that anymore...yet, here I am. He really hurt me. All of the texting this morning. Acting as if I wasn't bringing the children to church. That was weird enough. But then with yesterday and his being in the house. That was so hard. I feel..abused. Like he is just going to keep on doing what he was doing in different ways. I despise that. At least sex won't be an issue. I won't have to endure that humiliation. And it certainly was. Devastatingly so. And he uses each little hook he gets in my life as a continuing competition. So weary of it. Still going to have to wait for the kids to be grown....yikes.
Today was the first day that I just wanted to say exactly why. TWICE. To two different people. Thankfully, I have practiced for a long time not doing that. Because it wouldn't make me feel better about myself. It would make me feel cheap and small. But, the thing was....one of them was with my son. Instead, I told him that he could be angry with me. He could choose not to respect me. But that he would not treat me disrespectfully or talk to me how he did. It was right after he had been with his dad. Instead, I took responsibility for my decisions and choices. And told him that I would simply love him regardless of how he feels. That I would help him get ready for what is coming next. That I needed him to speak about what was wrong instead of just making general disparaging remarks. And that I am a human being and that I can be hurt. I'll just work away at it honorably. But there for a moment....I desperately wanted to take the easy way out. I wanted to feel justified. And....I do feel like what is happening is just. Not happy. Not good. But just. Yet...I don't want that to be a burden that my children carry. That's probably why I hesitate to tell others...because word could get back to my kids. If I am already hearing what my husband has said...well then, it doesn't take long.
But how do I have my voice and remain silent? It's horrible. But it won't always be. I wrote to him. That is progress. Whether it changes anything.....doubtful. Well, except that he will tell people how he's not allowed to just show up or whatever.
I'm just tired of the whole thing.
blech.
grace.
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