God has been persistent in His journey with me. Staying. Loving. Nurturing. Teaching. He has seen me angry, forgiving, grieving. He has seen me weep until I cannot hardly breathe. And heard me laugh with deep joy. But through it all...He has never changed. He has been, is now and always will be the One that deserves my very life.
When I wonder why I am where I am. When I grieve with a heart of pain and questions, He doesn't condemn me. He sits with me there. There in that place of pain. Of having to let go of what might of been. Of "if onlys". There are many things that I wish. But my wishing, my verbalizing, my desires, my hopes, my faith, my prayers...none caused them to come true. And there are some things that weren't important.
But there is this place that was important. This concept. This basic belief. That God values each of us. Not because of what we do or how, but because He is God. Living in my marriage eroded that sense within me. I turned from that over time as I struggled to maintain a relationship with one for whom the kids were never quite good enough, for whom I was never quite loveable...but, he was "trying". Always being made to know that he was good and that I was so lucky to have him. But I finally know that what was happening was wrong. It was not God's design. It was not His plan.
I went into marriage with the excitement that would come from having a prayer partner, a co-encourager, a laborer in the kingdom. I was so jazzed for what God would do. And He has. He has brought me a long way. Like going to the desert...the wilderness....for a time...and now, it's as if He is bringing me back home. That is where the relief comes from. From soaking Him up again. Seeing hope in what He can be in my life again. Because what had happened was that I didn't have a life of my own. Not in a selfish manner...but in a manner that it had gotten to the point that who I was was being stripped away as it was not convenient for my husband.
That's not ok with God. He loves me. He sees my sin. He sees my gifts. He sees my strengths. He sees my weaknesses. And He still has a plan for me.
My story feels weird still. Like a failure......but not....like a story with a twist. That when it all looks really lousy, the Knight comes and saves me. The real One. The One who always will. Who will never allow me to be misused nor will He want His name to be used against me.
My story is that I hid it well. Tried to live like it was ok. I find now, looking back, that it built a lot of anger. Especially for what he chose to do regarding our children. Or not do. And now, I am freer from that. Free from having him take away hope each and every day. Free to grow toward God once again. It still freaks me out when people assume that if he says he's sorry then I'll let him move back home. The sorry doesn't fix damage. And my forgiving him doesn't either. In this kind of situation, the only thing that really helps is to let go and let God have His way with each of us. Because I believe that His first priority is relationship with Him.
So...that's my story. I'm learning again how to relax and let God love me. How to sing joyfully unto the Lord with ALL my heart. Having a broken heart curtailed that.
I'm barely into it. It'll take time. That's ok. He has all eternity to teach me.
Your story counts. Whatever it is. Wherever you are. He adores you. Really. And He has a plan that is uniquely for you. And blessings that He can't wait to show you.
My prayer is that your eyes will be opened and that You will see the way back to the trail towards Him. Even if it involves hard choices. It's worth it.
blessings.
When I wonder why I am where I am. When I grieve with a heart of pain and questions, He doesn't condemn me. He sits with me there. There in that place of pain. Of having to let go of what might of been. Of "if onlys". There are many things that I wish. But my wishing, my verbalizing, my desires, my hopes, my faith, my prayers...none caused them to come true. And there are some things that weren't important.
But there is this place that was important. This concept. This basic belief. That God values each of us. Not because of what we do or how, but because He is God. Living in my marriage eroded that sense within me. I turned from that over time as I struggled to maintain a relationship with one for whom the kids were never quite good enough, for whom I was never quite loveable...but, he was "trying". Always being made to know that he was good and that I was so lucky to have him. But I finally know that what was happening was wrong. It was not God's design. It was not His plan.
I went into marriage with the excitement that would come from having a prayer partner, a co-encourager, a laborer in the kingdom. I was so jazzed for what God would do. And He has. He has brought me a long way. Like going to the desert...the wilderness....for a time...and now, it's as if He is bringing me back home. That is where the relief comes from. From soaking Him up again. Seeing hope in what He can be in my life again. Because what had happened was that I didn't have a life of my own. Not in a selfish manner...but in a manner that it had gotten to the point that who I was was being stripped away as it was not convenient for my husband.
That's not ok with God. He loves me. He sees my sin. He sees my gifts. He sees my strengths. He sees my weaknesses. And He still has a plan for me.
My story feels weird still. Like a failure......but not....like a story with a twist. That when it all looks really lousy, the Knight comes and saves me. The real One. The One who always will. Who will never allow me to be misused nor will He want His name to be used against me.
My story is that I hid it well. Tried to live like it was ok. I find now, looking back, that it built a lot of anger. Especially for what he chose to do regarding our children. Or not do. And now, I am freer from that. Free from having him take away hope each and every day. Free to grow toward God once again. It still freaks me out when people assume that if he says he's sorry then I'll let him move back home. The sorry doesn't fix damage. And my forgiving him doesn't either. In this kind of situation, the only thing that really helps is to let go and let God have His way with each of us. Because I believe that His first priority is relationship with Him.
So...that's my story. I'm learning again how to relax and let God love me. How to sing joyfully unto the Lord with ALL my heart. Having a broken heart curtailed that.
I'm barely into it. It'll take time. That's ok. He has all eternity to teach me.
Your story counts. Whatever it is. Wherever you are. He adores you. Really. And He has a plan that is uniquely for you. And blessings that He can't wait to show you.
My prayer is that your eyes will be opened and that You will see the way back to the trail towards Him. Even if it involves hard choices. It's worth it.
blessings.
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